I read the control article and a lot of it resonated true. I from the male side, and by actions my wife from the female side.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5055_qa.html


Can someone with a better understanding than I explain the nuances between dependent and interdependent? This is the most critical portion of the article, and I can't get my hands around what actions needs to happen to switch from one to the other.

Extropy,

Ya'know, this thread caught my eye because of the word "identity" and being a SAHM, I feel as if I have lost mine!! Identity and mind, that is. Like fictional Sally, in the article, I am college edumacated and had the promise of a good career. Unlike Sally, it was MY idea to stay home - I believe children come first and really need their parents at home, more than ever before in history. But I also feel controlled and overly dependent, and often not respected, oh and definitely underappreciated..

Anywaysss..I read the article and at first thought, hmm, what's not to understand?! Is this guy one of those incompetents from that other thread..just kidding.. It did seem straight-forward at first, until the last few paragraphs. If you are giving the grocer $50 for groceries and that is clear and interdependent, both are happy and need the other, customer/retailer relationship. Okay, but, put that concept into a marriage and who decides what everything is worth and how do you even begin to POJA that, esp. the little stuff.

"Well, I picked up your dirty towels and underwear today, so you owe me at least 20 min. of conversation."

Yeah, but I stopped for bread an milk on the way home from work, which is essentially your job really, so I get a 30 min blowj@%"...

Well, you get the picture. And the feeling like a prostitute and cleaning lady thing- or from the man's side (I should say financial supporter's side, man or woman), feeling like a paycheck..

So, now, I don't really get it either.

Sorry, just wanting to add.
jls

Glad I wasn't the only one who is missing the point in that article.

That mirrors my situation in many ways. She's been a SAHM for 7 years, and she handles all of the finances and otherwise "runs the house". She got a part time job for some adult interaction and made it clear that that was her money, but my money was ours. ($200/month, so it was no biggie)

But in leading up to her being a WS, she has made similar statements that lead me to believe she feels she has no identity and feels controlled. I make no demands on her, but I suppose it can be implied by us falling into the typical roles.

So my question is how do I avoid this situation in the future? Right now she is going out with the girls 2 or 3 nights a week, hasn't broken off contact with the EA guy, and is unsure what she wants to do. I'm plan A-ing it, but this speaks so directly to my situation that I can't help but think I'm missing out on something.