OK, my WS still wants a divorce and she is in a EA and I don't know if her playboy friend knows how deep she is in it. She works with him and he is currently seeing 3 women (4 if you include my WS) She has done this before and in 1995 (first time) I contacted the OM and he told me he knew she liked him as she called all the time. He was a gentleman and told her to stop contacting him and she came right back to me.

I am getting so tired of this. She won't talk about the problems and just wants a divorce. Should I contact this person at work (playboy guy). Should I tell him about her infatuation with him? I have proof I can show him. I can tell him about the others. At this point, what do I have to lose?

Need advice everyone.


See a brief overview:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037014

Need advice on this one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi, BHINWI

Tough call.

You might tell him that she is married if he doesn't know. If you tell him more, you may just enable him to be a stronger predator.

Please let us know what you decide.

Gimble

Gimble, He knows she is married and getting a divorce. She become smitten with him her first week on the job. She talked about him constantly and the rest was down hill. Actually telling him may be a good thing. He may go for it and move on. (Or he may have already got it and has moved on).

Would like more advice on this one please! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keith,

I've read through some of your posts and the link you have in your sig.
If her EA's are every few years, yet you keep taking her back, it seems to me like she just knows you will be there when she's ready to come back!
Is it a similar situation each time? I haven't read through ALL your posts so I don't know the whole story, but I am wondering what you have done each time to let her know that this is not okay?

BHIWI
Sorry.... but the OM is not there to help you. Evidently he is getting what he wants if what you say is true that he is involved with several women and already knows your WW is married. I think you need another approach here......right now I don't have any suggestions. I'll follow your posts though and try to gain more insight. I have to agree with Suzy at this time.....if this is an ongoing problem and you take your WW back each time it is possible that your WW feels that you not only accept but may "approve" of her behavior.

Okay, BHINWI.

You wanted some advice.

I will step outside of the MB philosophy for a moment and tell you what I would do. Understand, this is what I would do given your situation. What you should do is still a matter for you to decide.

I would contact the other man, and tell him that you are kicking her out, that you are done, he can have her, and that you expect she will be knocking on his door for a place to stay.

Then you can tell him of her past issues, and of any medical concerns or STD's.

When she gets home, have her bag packed.

Gimble

I contacted the OM this morning. This is the person that my WS talked about constantly, then she became withdrawn. This is the person that she sent a suggestive email to, that I intercepted before it was sent (I am an IT person) so he never got it. This is the person that she broke down one night and told me she was so attracted to him.

I spoke to the OM for nearly a half-hour. He acted angry at first and then I got him to open up. He said there is nothing going on. He said that my wife is going through something horrible but he said it is not because of him. He spoke in depth of what he has seen in her, that she is very troubled and in despair. He did not believe me when I said she was infatuated with him and that is why she is ending our marriage.

I told him of the other 2 times she did this (1995 and 2000). I told him how she would suddenly meet someone and immediately want to end the marriage. At first he did not believe me and then I told him details about it. I told him how the first man started contacting me because my wife was infatuated with him. I told him more details. He then started to believe me and said this entire thing is strange. He spoke with me in depth about his relationships (he has lots of them).

He was very sincere with me on the entire thing. He said that he felt it was wrong that I called him but her understood why. I do believe him. This matches her behavior from the last 2 times.

I hope he does not tell her I called but what can I do?

Now where am I at? I have a wife that wants a divorce for reasons I may never know. She is leaving a wonderful husband, home and putting our kids through hell. She will not go to MC with me but she is going to IC. What can I do? She wants this divorce.

I am so sad today...

Well, you've already called him, so that's done. I would have suggested a simple confrontation letter, cc'd 2 your W, along the lines of the sample letters on Penny Tupy's website: www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

I think you should tell your W about the conversation with the OM before he does (if that's possible).

Be truthful and honest with her about how you feel and what you did and why.

You can't control what she does, only she can. But you can burst the fantasy bubble a little.

I don't think the OM is so sincere as you say he is. If he's having multiple relationships, he's a very shallow, manipulative person. PROTECT YOURSELF.

best,
-ol' 2long

Keith-

I agree, since you've already contacted him, I would tell her you did.....might get at least some embarrassment miles out of it that way.

I don't think it's over Keith, I think that your wife is acting like every other WS, and I think that the repeated instances of EA's is just something that's broken not getting fixed over and over. That doesn't make it right, but that's what it looks like.

My WH had another affair, 6 years ago, he ended it, I buried it..............we never FIXED it, hence the situation we are in now.

Do you have the funds for a relationship coach?? I know that 2long suggested a letter from the save your marriage central site, I don't know much about it, but I know that they have relationship coaches there to help people with their situations and they also have intermediaries....I can't afford it, but I bet it would be worth the time/money.

You obviously love your wife, and of course she's not gonna go to MC right now....but you have the upper hand in knowing what a WS will likely do, and even better if you've got someone to bounce your ideas off of and that could give you suggestions that had a basis in tried and true fact <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (Not that you don't here, just thinking someone that does it everyday may know a thing or two we don't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

You're doing much better, btw, Keith.......you were so devastated to begin with, Chin Up.

-Caren

Caren,
I still believe she is a WS, she has ALL the signs. But it is such a fantisy EA (not that they all aren't) but I do believe this guy. I believe him because it is like the other times.

The first time in 1995, I did everything she asked for. We moved, I changed my habits, I became a more understanding person.

In 2000, she would not go to counseling so I went. I told her that her behavior was unacceptable.

Now this. She wants a divorce. She is leaving me for a relationship that does not exist. She tells me I am the best husband and father in the world. But she has left me.

Now wonder I am going crazy.

Keith-

Are you sure you're on track with the right OM?

Maybe she's throwing you off....or maybe it started out as him and ended up with someone else.

-Caren

Caren,

It did start off with this guy for sure as an EA. I do believe he doesn't know that she has an EA for him. I believe that because of the evidence I found AND that she has done the same thing before with other guys and they did not know what to do.

Her new friends at work set her up with a guy that is going through a divorce and they went to a XMAS party together. That is all I know so she may be with someone else now. I just don't know.

I think it is time for me to step back and just take care of myself. I am so mentally exhausted from this (since last May) that I need to think about myself.

Caren - How are you doing?

Keith

Hi, BHINWI.

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson?

I think that it ultimately contains the answer to your dilemma.

That or a STRONG Plan B.

I know that you love your wife, that is glaringly obvious.

This is her 3(+) time. It is not time to give up, it is time to finally do something about it.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

It is on order and I will read it this weekend. Thanks for your support.

Keith

I don't feel great Keith, thank you for asking though.

-Caren

Gimble, I just want to slow down the divorce and give it time. That I can do.

Hi,
Just a nudge Keith. If you are slowing down the divorce, you still need a plan as to how you are going to take charge of your situation, or you are setting yourself up again to see the same thing happen as what happened three times before. It's time for a reality check for your WW.

As Gimble said....Strong Plan B is a definite consideration for you. Give it some thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BHINWI:
<strong> Gimble, I just want to slow down the divorce and give it time. That I can do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand. but there is something that you should know.

You can decide to take a try at fixing your marriage. That is going to require some very hard work, and some very hard decisions. It has the potential to give you a real marriage back. It also has the potential to finish off, what you have now.

If you decide to just wait it out, by doing only the minimum, you may not like what you get back. In all likelihood, it will be worse than what you had before, and will still probably end. It will just take longer.

You mileage may vary, of course, and the decision is yours to make.

All the best,
Gimble