I am having one of those days when I am not sure how to feel.

I want my marraiage to work out, but then I wonder if it makes me weak to give in to her A, like she is getting away with it. I am not afraid of being alone. I have a place to go with some notice. finances will be ok. (child support for 1) will tighten things up but manageable.
but that is not what I want.

somedays I feel like if I forgive her I am saying I am not worth enough to the marriage. (Why would she do this?) especially with her past, and with what was happening before "the night".

Am I less of a man to give in? Does she feel like she can walk over my feelings? I know what she did was wrong on every level. The selfishness, the disregard for our marriage, family, values etc. I can't even imagine the emotions she could have to disregard everything. Even what it does to the OM family.(W and 3 young kids). She has always been family oriented,(has a close family, I do not) Does she look at me as weak for staying? Sometimes I do,and then other times I see myself as bigger than the A for wanting to stay. I try to look at the pro's and cons and I think the pro's win, but the cons are real heart busters.

The fact that talk of A is not even possible yet doesn't help. I wonder if I can go on without knowing details and mindsets. I just don't know, and that in itself is destructive to me.

W is out of town w/ son for the week and It is hitting me today for some reason.

I guess I am just venting, but I am afraid of what kind of man she thinks I am, and I am the type that doesn't care what people think, I am who I am, like it or leave, doesn't matter.(a lot of years of being alone)

I feel empty today, and days like this are becoming more frequent and I don't like that.

Wish I had someone to call and talk to besides the counselor. Nobody knows about this. People just think I am on a good diet! ha ha.

I can keep rambling but don't want to bore people with nonsense.

going to go help daughter make some cookies I think.

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

HNH,

Come sit and talk with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know just how you feel..and I can tell you, that very predictably when my husband is away my love feelings..security..and desire to reconcile diminish greatly. Even now.

What I suspect is wreaking havoc is the big gashes in the bottom of the tank carved out by this A business..without constant care it all flows out.

When she is with you..and good to you..despite your misgivings..I'd bet you have more hope, yes?

Do not despair..I think I even posted a thread about this.

Tell me what you think.

Noodle

HH,

You are not weak. You did not bail out of your marriage when you had a perfect excuse to do it. You are strong and you are fighting for a good cause, YOU and YOUR FAMILY. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do, I understand you completly since we are going through prety much the same things (my d-day was 12-04 too). If you are worried about days like this one then you should talk to your doctor and see if you can get some antidepressants. I think they did a wonderfull job with me, but they do take some time to kick in. When I feel bad like this I do the following.

- I have 2 12lbs weights and I start excersicing.
- Think of a nice way to surprise my wife when she gets home.

Hang on there.

SM.

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnheart:
<strong> sm, i am on some AD right now. I didn't want to but had some issues that this is supposed to help with and also to straighten the coaster ride out a bit. 2 months man, what a trip. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Other issues??? Let me guess ... Premature Ejaculation? LOL, same here, I think they are doing a good job there too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

sm, i am on some AD right now. I didn't want to but had some issues that this is supposed to help with and also to straighten the coaster ride out a bit. 2 months man, what a trip.

noodles, here I am, lets talk. I love some of your threads, the few I start end in a quick death, so I just kindof jump to others that have more interest and seem to have a following. seem to have good advice on them.

I still haven't really found a story similar to mine, they all seem to be extended A's. Maybe mine is somewhat original, probably not but still seem to not get the response of those with drawn out A's.

__________________________________________________
When she is with you..and good to you..despite your misgivings..I'd bet you have more hope, yes?
__________________________________________________

Yes, I do have more hope when we are together, but sometimes I wonder if it is because she really wants to be with me or if she would rather be here than let her family and friends know that she had an A. I think that would devestate her more than the A. I am probably wrong, but it is just one thought of many.

Something that I have never said, whether relevent or not is I don't know if the A is hitting me as hard as others is because every serious relationship I have been in, I have been cheated on. Maybe deep down I feel this is normal, I just never believed that W would ever do this. It is just mind and Heart blowing. This is her second m and her first one was not good, and he cheated on her. but she rationalizes that her marriage had been gone for years so it didn't affect her the way it should I guess. I don't understand. She still says to friends that we appreciate each other based on what we went through. (Ya right) at least one of us does.
I feel like, well, I just go numb some days.
But I have to stay positive, that is one of her issues w our marriage, I am to negative, so now I try to leave all negativity at the door.

Here I go again rambling, sorry. I think I am going to go to the store and buy a puzzle for the daughter and I to work on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want my marraiage to work out, but then I wonder if it makes me weak to give in to her A, like she is getting away with it. I am not afraid of being alone. I have a place to go with some notice. finances will be ok. (child support for 1) will tighten things up but manageable.
but that is not what I want.

somedays I feel like if I forgive her I am saying I am not worth enough to the marriage. (Why would she do this?) especially with her past, and with what was happening before "the night".
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hurtnheart: Very good topic! Not long after D-day - I spoke to a professional counselor who asked me what caused the "weakness in your character that makes you try to stay married to a lying, cheating... woman". I was quite surprised as this guy was supposed to be pro-marriage. That was my last session with him and I chalked it up to him having a bad day or perhaps he saw something that I didn't. (Which could be the case as we did end up D'ed!) However; I did not appreciate the message from this guy as whether to stay and keep trying should be my decision w/o judgment!

So, your post is a good one - even when it comes to counselors!

FR

I agree... very good topic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the "weakness in your character that makes you try to stay married to a lying, cheating... woman". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something I struggle with every day.

Does it take more strangth to stand up to a challenge, or to walk away?

Which shows more character, running away from one's problems or confronting them?

You can leave, anytime you want to. You have been given every reason to.

It would not necessarily show weakness to do so.

However, staying and giving your best, knowing that it may not be enough...that is a whole different kind of strength.

Don't ask me why, but it has been my experience that giving of yourself, over time, doesn't lessen you. Rather, it makes it so there is more of you to give.

Strange but true. Go figure, huh?

All the best to you,

-OAK

Actually it takes more strength to walk away. People only say it takes more strength to stay and work it out because it sounds noble and they are comforting the BS. If you think I am wrong then see if you can walk away without looking back while still being in love with someone.
It is easy to walk away when you don't care. It is easier to stay when you do care. It is hard to walk away when you do care. It is hard to stay when you don't care.

The reality of the threads on here prove my point. The BS fights for the marriage and the WS fights to leave based on the above feelings and relationship dynamics.

Actually it takes more strength to walk away. People only say it takes more strength to stay and work it out because it sounds noble and they are comforting the BS. If you think I am wrong then see if you can walk away without looking back while still being in love with someone.
It is easy to walk away when you don't care. It is easier to stay when you do care. It is hard to walk away when you do care. It is hard to stay when you don't care.

The reality of the threads on here prove my point. The BS fights for the marriage and the WS fights to leave based on the above feelings and relationship dynamics.

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site. I am currently nine months pregnant and am due any day now. Since I became pregnant my sex life with my husband has diminished somewhat. He says that he is afraid to have sex with me now know if he will hurt the baby. While I know he has a low sex drive as it is, I've always been understanding to this. I suggested him to use the different methods that are available to him but he says he doesn't want to take any type of medication. Just recently I discovered that he is using viagra. He works very long hours, but when I call him at work he is at his company. During the w/e's he runs his errands but tends to return late. The only thing I can think of is that he is cheating or he looking at pornography. I'm not certain how to address the situation because I was snooping in his things. Right now I'm extremely angry. Pleae advise.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Keepmvn4wrd:
<strong> Actually it takes more strength to walk away. People only say it takes more strength to stay and work it out because it sounds noble and they are comforting the BS. If you think I am wrong then see if you can walk away without looking back while still being in love with someone.
It is easy to walk away when you don't care. It is easier to stay when you do care. It is hard to walk away when you do care. It is hard to stay when you don't care.

The reality of the threads on here prove my point. The BS fights for the marriage and the WS fights to leave based on the above feelings and relationship dynamics. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A decision is made based on an analysis of the costs and benefits from each alternative. I decided to stay with my wife because I loved her and that benefit made it worth the effort for me to stay. Staying was not the easy way out, it had the greatest costs but also the greatest rewards.

keepmvn,
__________________________________________________
The reality of the threads on here prove my point. The BS fights for the marriage and the WS fights to leave based on the above feelings and relationship dynamics.
__________________________________________________

my situation, W is not fighting to leave. has showed some guilt. Want this to work. So are you saying that she does find me weak? I kindof get what you are saying, but this is based on her not loving me. Even though an A is a big red flag, that has not prompted her to leave or even threaten to leave. IMO, leaving would be easier, but does that mean I'm a weaker person if I chose to leave?
I know everyone is different, every story has different personalities, so one way does not work for all situations.

I am just having a lonely day, and needed some support. need to vent, and just confused on my feelings today.

Noodle, what happened to you?

Sorry!

Kids..life, ya know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Uhm..yeah..I see what KM4 meant and I largely agree.

There IS a power dynamic involved..and it is NOT always strength that makes one stay..not always strength that makes on leave. Case by case basis, no?

I think in this regard..your wifes remorse..is about HER..it is not about you..not about your strength..not about your marriage.

What you'd need to do..is detach yourself from your feelings and truly WEIGH the cost/benefit of either choice.

Are you staying because you are too weak to leave?

Are you leaving because you are too weak to stay?

There are so many variables at play that I can hardly answer that Q for myself..much less for any other person.

I can tell you definitively that there have been periods of time where I DID stay out of weakness..and times that I stayed out of strength.

How about them apples? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Off to the store..go go gadget legs!

Noodle

Are you staying because you are too weak to leave?
As I said, I don't have a problem being alone so I don't know if leaving is a problem. Do I want to? No If that what it takes in the end so be it. I will always love my W. In fact, She is the ONLY woman I would marry. She is the only reason I did get married in the first place. You all might not believe this but it is true. So take it for what it is worth.


Are you leaving because you are too weak to stay?
If I choose to leave, it is because the R is not able to be corrected to both of our liking. I know that will take some time to figure out.

But it still does not make my feelings any better today. I am confused as to why I am feeling this way.

KM4, what did you end up doing? staying or leaving?

I talked to my wife tonight, she said she misses me and is ready to come home. She is at her folks with our son, work related. She will be gone all week. It is hard. Bad timing. I know she put us in this position, but it will take both of us to get out of it.

At the last IC appt. we went over how to ask questions of W, and I am going over them, but not sure what I want answered first. I am not going to inundate her with a bunch of questions, just a couple to try to get a dialogue open. The problem is, I don't know if she is ready to talk yet. I think she thinks I can just go on with out discussing the A. I know I can't so I just have to wait and see. We have MC on Sat. morning so hopefully I can regroup by then, and have a positive feeling going in.

new title

^

Hi H-n-H,

How are you doing this morning? Has your W gotten back from her trip yet? I know that the weekends are really slow and wanted you to know that I'll be around for a couple more hours if you want to talk about anything...

Semper Fi,
RIF