Rif, good morning,
Ya, the wife got back yesterday. It was a good evening. It was good to see her. Things have been pretty calm lately. Have MC in a few hours, so might stir things up a bit. I was just on here looking for a letter I wanted to copy to give her, and can't remember what thread it was on. So I am just reading as I look. What is amazing (in a sad way) is by reading some of the stories on here, My sitch, all things considered, isn't that bad. Not that I like any of this A crap, but,we are not seperated, No real fog games, we are loving to each other, we still have our issues, but they are all workable. Does this make sense?
How are things w/ you?

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

Hey H-n-H,

I'm doing great... I still have a couple more hours left in my day, then I'm going to call it a night...

Glad to see that you guys are going to MC...

^

Hey HNH,
I also wonder if I am just being weak in staying! Well, I know I have little self-esteem, so I knows that factors in as well.
I hope you are feeling better today. Everyday is different isn't it? In fact, every moment is a new experience for me. My D-day was 12-19-04, and I am riding the rollercoaster daily just as you are. I mentioned to someone that I feel like I am in the twilight zone on a rollercoaster that never stops! Today is a good day, but I was where you were yesterday. I wish I would have seen your thread then. Sometimes misery loves company <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Well, I am rambling now, just wanted you to know that people are still here and hoping you are doing well!
True

tts, thanks for the words. Yes, each day is different. The majority of my down time is when she is not present. We have had a really good week,(even though she has been gone) when she came back, I saw my wife!! it was nice to see her smiling face.
It seems,sometimes, that I/we are farther ahead than most people at 2 months, but our story is so different than most. I haven't read to many like mine which is kind of hard, It is hard to relate to some of the drawn out 1-3,4,6,year long A's. I sympathize,I mean an A is an A. But I know I could not stay and deal with a drawn out A.
I get down, mostly when I wonder if she will ever really apologize or if she really feels remorse about the A. not that she hurt me, but about the A itself.
Yes, my self esteem has always been on the low side as well, but not to what it is now, and I don't think the W understands that what she did, did not help in that department.
Just need to learn to cope better with the down days. No one to talk to, that doesn't help. almost no one knows our sitch. Absolutly none of her friends and family know. only a couple of people know on my side, just no one I can have open discussions with. Makes it hard. That is why I like this board. you never know who is going to have some advice that makes you go Wow, that is so me right now.

thanks for the vent!!!

???

Hurt, just wanted you to know that most people I'm close to don't know about H's A either. It is a very strange experience to have the people who are close to us have no idea about something that impacted our lives so greatly. For me it has diminished a certain intimacy I had with my family especially. However, in our case I think it would have hindered our recovery if they had known. I would have told if H had not dumped OW. Hang in there. CV

Noodle, you're a gem and your insights are wonderful. God bless you.
HNH, there is no "flaw in your character" that keeps you married to a lying, cheating woman. The flaw is in the lying and cheating, not in the faithfulness.
I do not choose to stay M because I am strong or because I am weak, but because I choose honor, faithfulness, fidelity, and all of their relatives. That is the kind of life I want for both of us, always have, and still do. My FWW chose otherwise, however temporarily. I am not responsible for her choices and she is not responsible for mine. I am proud of that choice and my perseverance in the face of her A. Quitting - in my case - is for the weak. I will not be defined as weak. I choose to remain faithful because that is who I am.
stilltuff, FBH, 53
fww, 51, classic conflict avoider
2 1/2 yr EA/PA (the "soulmates" b*** s***) with the usual OM slimeball type
M 5/4/1974
D-day 8/22/1984
1 son pre-A
1 son, 1 daughter post-A who look like ME
a VERY SLOW, glacial pace recovery, but I'm still here

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtnheart:
<strong> I am having one of those days when I am not sure how to feel.

I want my marraiage to work out, but then I wonder if it makes me weak to give in to her A, like she is getting away with it. I am not afraid of being alone. I have a place to go with some notice. finances will be ok. (child support for 1) will tighten things up but manageable.
but that is not what I want.

somedays I feel like if I forgive her I am saying I am not worth enough to the marriage. (Why would she do this?) especially with her past, and with what was happening before "the night".

Am I less of a man to give in? Does she feel like she can walk over my feelings? I know what she did was wrong on every level. The selfishness, the disregard for our marriage, family, values etc. I can't even imagine the emotions she could have to disregard everything. Even what it does to the OM family.(W and 3 young kids). She has always been family oriented,(has a close family, I do not) Does she look at me as weak for staying? Sometimes I do,and then other times I see myself as bigger than the A for wanting to stay. I try to look at the pro's and cons and I think the pro's win, but the cons are real heart busters.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, you captured so much of what I used to feel when I went through the betrayal. It is like you read my mind with what you posted. I don't think there is a BS here who has not thought exactly what you posted. Even the ultra zealots here (I mean no offense) have had to had your thoughts.

I think there came a time ***for me*** (after the second betryal) that I felt staying would make me less of a man. I could not live with myself if I let her do this to our marriage again. This is different for all people. You will see this run the gamut here...from other children being born to continued false recoveries to eventual recovery.

I don't know what I am trying to say to you. I guess I am just saying I know how you feel. YOur feelings are normal. We have all had them.

Goodluck in the recovery process.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hurtnheart,

I agree with lemon, you have done a very articulate job of expressing an emotional barrier we all go through( and to be honest, it has been in my mind for the last 2 months). While I greatly admire lemon for his courage, my own courage waxes and wanes on almost a daily basis.I have had no contact with my WW for 4 months but I can't get the "or for worse" portion of my vows out of my head.

LM, Thanks for your words and thoughts, I have read your story and am just amazed at the man you are. I agree, if this happens a second time w/ me, than I am gone. I have told her this, point blank! Her A was a one time PA. busted her the day after. no contact since. But I respect your opinion greatly. Thanks

^

^

Well, I searched this thread out because I have been feeling like this again, and I hate it.
Why do I feel like this after 5 mos?
Is it a sign of weakness to allow myself to go on with the M knowing everything I know now. I am finding myself doubting myself. Is this natural, I almost feel like a loser for sticking around but I really do not want a D.
feeling lost today.