Hello all, I jumped over here from the EN boards after one post. (I can link that post on this thread if anyone is interested)

First I'd like to say that I Love my H with all my heart and I truly, 100% beleive in our marriage.

My H had an internet affair (no physical contact)which started in December. Prior to this we had been under extraordinary stress, relocation, unemployment, miscarriages, to name a few. My husband was the one unemployed for several months and slipped into a cave (very uncharacteristic). During this time he became very attached to the internet. It wasn't until the EA started that he tried to tell me how unhappy he had been with us - prior to that he gave me no indication that he was so doubtful about our marriage, quite the opposite actually.

Anyway, NC was established on 1/30/05 on his own terms despite my request for it to be done on my terms. So as you can imagine I still do not feel safe. I am not sure if we are in Plan A or recovery because I do not feel 100% safe yet. I am open about my doubts and lack of trust. He mostly tries to reassure me but is usually just very defensive. He remains openly ambivilent about his feelings on staying in this marriage.

Well, today I found a TM she sent him on 2/20/05 which said "can you talk?" We were together that night. When I told him I knew they were still in contact, he asked me why I thought that was the case - so I told him about the TM. He swore up and down he didn't even know it was there and there has absolutely been NC on his part. He's obviously lied before but he seemed genuinely surprised this time, besides if he knew about it he would have just erased it because he's been giving me ready access to his phone. He also cancelled his e-mail account in front of me (although I'm suspicious he has opened a new one, though I have no proof).

One of the big problems, is he doesn't see it as an EA, although he admits it isn't right. There is definetely a lot of minimizing and justification on his part despite my attempts at explaining how this has made me feel. He keeps trying to get away from it as our big problem and tries to bring it back to me, or his lack of attraction for me....yada yada,yada. I keep getting different stories.

I'm not sure what to do, I feel stuck between plan A and recovery. I think I am doing a good job at avoiding LB and so far he is in withdrawal, not allowing me to meet his EN. I've thought about calling the OW and confronting her, but then it just sounds ridiculous. Any thoughts?

My thought would be that there isn't NC. I would put a keylogger on the computer.

Just my thoughts.....I think you're plan A.

-Caren

Thanks for your opinion Caren.

What is a keylogger? I know I need to find out more, I just don't know how.

Nope - sure doesn't sound like recovery.

What it does sound like is a WS still dabbling with justification and still not being fully accountable. He even sounds like he's still in the fog a bit.

It shouldn't be up to you to just trust that there's no contact. Although he has taken some measures to be accountable, much more can and needs to be done.

My WH is a serial adulterer. Each time he got caught fooling around he insisted on doing the recovery his way...

I should have insisted on full accountability, us sending a letter together to the OW telling them he would have no further contact, counseling (MC & IC), discussion of emotional needs, etc.

It sounds like you are just in Plan A.
Continue with Plan A for a little while.
Do the best Plan A you can.
But then go to Plan B if he's unwilling to follow ALL the recovery procedures.

Is he willing to read and discuss the book Not Just Friends? It would help clarify what an emotional affair is and how his emotional affair was highly likely to lead to more.

The part about the recovery being on his terms is a major red flag IMHO.

Also, who have you exposed this to so far?
Have you discussed exposure with your WH?
If so, please be very careful and keep in mind that discussing impending exposure without following through ASAP can be dangerous (even if your WH has no history of violence or mental illness). Even if exposure has not been mentioned by either you or your husband, he may be worried about you telling people. And sometimes previously mild-mannered people do crazy things rather than risk having their embarrassing secrets revealed.

Exposure is a key part of Plan A and is very effective at making sure the affair ends sooner rather than later. If the OW is married be sure to expose to her husband too.

Your WH will also have to agree to go to counseling.

The terms of recovery are not something you should allow your husband to dictate or even to bend a whole lot. But you'll get to that part when you decide to go to Plan B.

Meremortal, you are right about my WH justifying and denying accountability. He has a hard time with that anyway, nevermind an issue of this magnitude. He is hot, cold lately but becoming more cold - not mean, just distant and withdrawn.

I feel like I don't even know where to start to insist on all aspects of recovery on my terms without it coming across as a demanding LB. I have not really been able to talk with him about the MB principles because he is often so closed off to the possibility of a solution. He also hates that fact that I keep trying to "problem solve". I reassure him very lovingly that I am very interested in staying and working on this marriage but that I need his participation too. I've explained that my lack of trust is not impossible to overcome if he is willing to his part of the work, and he has to want to earn that trust. Right now, I don't think he's very interested in working at all - yet he's still here.

WH is not willing to read any books, I've been reading tons myself though. He has also refused MC. He's just not working with me very much at all.

I have thought about exposure only today. I know he would hate for his mother to know, he even told me recently when we were in a temporarily connected state. I have also thought about telling our very close friends (married couple), of whom the husband was his best man. I would never tell my parents though, because it would only hurt us more in the long run should we be able to get through this hurdle, so I have to protect that relationship for my own sanity.

If I were to expose, are you saying I should tell him before I do or after? I feel like telling him before would be a threat.

NO - do NOT tell your WH you are considering exposure. That could be dangerous. Whatever you do, don't appear to be threatening to expose! And anyway, it's highly unlikely he's going to agree with you that it should be done. It's much better to just do it. I think I remember it being advised as one of the first things you do in Plan A?

As far as telling him after you expose, well I guess he'd find out pretty quickly on his own, depending on who you expose to. I don't remember reading anything here about doing the exposure in the presence of the WS, but I guess if you could do so in the presence of a relative or friend you trust really well, that might be an option? Most likely he and maybe even the OW will be furious after you expose the affair, so be very careful afterwards. Maybe then would be a good time to have a friend or relative with you - the first time exposure is discussed with your WH AFTER doing it?

Have you read the suggestions at this site for Plan A & exposure?

Also, there are several message threads about exposure.

What feelings/fears have prevented you from telling anyone so far?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What feelings/fears have prevented you from telling anyone so far? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*I am a very private person.

*I have always believed in keeping our marital problems between the two of us and not bringing in outside influences.

*I have also been protecting him, because in the beginning I really believed he would quickly realize what he was doing and that would be that.

*I am embarrassed that I couldn't keep a healthy marriage. Failure has never been an option.

I suppose I had too much faith in him, but I used to think that was a good thing.