As always I post when I am feeling down about things.

I am coming up to a year since D-day and I have changed for the better. I am in all sense of the word a single mom – and managing to handle it all. I look great thanks to the infidelity diet. Now that my wh does not live here any more we have a good routine. I am more in tune to my kids – the poor things lost a normal dad this year and mom was in and out also but I am back now (most of the time).

I guess I am still in plan A. I haven’t lb’d since December. When my wh and I talk we don’t argue anymore – now that the A is out in the open the anger towards me is no longer there. He says he doesn’t want to end our marriage. He says that he and OW are no longer in a PA – I doubt it.

I am at another cross road today – I have posted before that I think my wh is bipolar – so I have been “putting up with” an A but also a lot of strange behavior. I received a tm from him 2 days ago at 1 am – He misses me –thanking me for seeing his brother off to NC for more Marine training. (he could not find the time to see him at all while he was on a month leave) Well I didn’t reply—my way of testing myself on a plan b and maybe some sort of game playing also.

I will not get into much detail – that will come with the auto biography – my wh bought a Takeuchi (bob cat) in August so he could take down an old barn and search for ancient rocks (the strange behavior part). Well he put the entire barn in our yard. Now he is moving it to our investment property where he is living now. He borrowed a friend’s old dump truck to load the stuff up – well they showed up last night at 12:30am trying to get it started until 5:30am. I did not acknowledge he was outside – nor did he come in to say hi or anything (the feeling down part).

Part of me wants to make contact, the other just wants to wait and see, and on a deeper level I need something to change. Can I continue like this – (a few days w/ the family, SF and then he is back to I assume her and a bachelor type life. Am I abandoning him if he is truly sick? I feel like I have a big L on my shirt (limbo).

Anyway thanks for reading.

tdr

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: tdr ]</small>

I want what I guess I can't have. My h back - the one that goes to bed a 10pm and works during the day. The one who can finish a task - not start a big mess and not finish it. The one who does not sleep all day and work outside digging stuff up all night. The one who does not hang out with weirdos and who sleeps with a 24yrold twit.

I can't tell you how frustrated I am with my wh. I enrolled my 7yr old into baseball -- and he is so behind in hitting and catching because he does not have a father to practice with. Now I am filling: I bought myself a mit and I watch what the coach tells him so we can practice -- I just wish he had a dad who was there for him.

tdr

I know what you mean about the missing dad and having to fill in. That really touched my heart. How can they miss precious time from their kids life. They are only that age once.

You have been doing a plan A for over a year...and you still don't see it? What are you waiting for?

TDR,

R U ready to get on a plan that will help you?

I can see WS is trying to keep some contact with you but he still chooses to remain as a WS. Is that what you want?

If you are ready for a plan, let us know. Also it w/b good to let Steve H know as well. If you are dealing with A and bi-polar symptoms Steve w/b a great help. The 2 problems intertwine enough to drive the sane mate insane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

take care,
L.

not gonna say a thing on what plan your in cause i sucked big time at plan b...lol

i am gonna comment on the baseball issue. good for you getting the mitt and getting into it. when i was little i was one of the first girls to ever play little league baseball---i am the one who plays all the time with son and have taught his friends more tricks than the coaches!!! lol

if your not comfortable asking the coach for help---look for another mom who knows what she's doing with baseball and ask her! we are around...lol good luck

I know it is Plan B time. The year -- it has taken me almost that long to get Plan A right. I was in denial for about 7 month of that year -- and every time I would find evidence to the contrary -- I would cry and plead or get pissed off, try to kill myself - leave him for 4 or so days. In November I sent him a plan b letter which he refused to read. In December I finally exposed the A to OW's mom and the S##t hit the fan -resulting in a 3 week RO against my h and no dad at Christmas for my kids.

January - we are talking & SF he came out of the fog slightly. He even started filling out the EN questionare. I must say the it is easier to Plan A when you are separated. I have totally improved my self -- which is plan A.

OK I will start with rewriting my Plan B letter. But (there is always a but) besides being scared I have issues with the Plan B. Ok here it goes don't hit me too hard.
1) my need for just a little contact -- ok ok I know I will get over that (its been 4 days since I got a tm from him and I am starting to waiver)
2) the strange behavior part has resulted in 3/4 of an acre of my back yard a dug up mess--mud mud mud mud.
3) no set visitation -nor do I feel comfortable sending my kids to his house which is gutted out and disgusting. No mutual friends or family who would be the go between. Could we tm contact on matters of kids and finance?
4) we own 3 properties and all need work -- at my house I been living in a 5 year unfinished remodel.

Alright that is it for now -- I probably can tackle each one of those myself. But it helps to just write down my fears so I can tackle them. I am almost there really.

Thanks for listening.

tdr

the strange behavior part has resulted in 3/4 of an acre of my back yard a dug up mess--mud mud mud mud.

I think you need to enlist WAT and 2long...they have alien dectector helmets...and can weed out the aliens from the real aliens...

they are experienced and professional....
and probably cheap.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> don't quote me on that though....

anywho back to earth...

this is where BS fog is evident...

Am I abandoning him if he is truly sick?

yeah that type of thinking ..is fogged up on your part...as if you have the power to heal him
or the power to change him..

even if ..even if he is bipolar...you can't do a thing about that till he does....and much better off excusing riduculous behavior in the name of a condition that is treated with medication....

1) my need for just a little contact -- ok ok I know I will get over that (its been 4 days since I got a tm from him and I am starting to waiver)

so exposure to his chaos and fog..helps you how..
makes you feel good how..
serves what good purpose in your life how exactly...

tell me one good thing about contact with him within the context of plan b....because if your plan is contact during plan b...don't waste your time...because no matter how much a need it fullfills in you...it enables him to have access to you and to continue to choose a path of disrepect...

tell me why you will allow and accept that...
tell me why you would instruct your own son to seek such choas from their spouse when he is your age...

holes in the back yard..
lord have mercy...that boys got rocks in his head...

ARK

tdr, when you say you are leery of Plan B, I wonder why you are not more leery of completely losing your H? Why aren't you MORE leery of divorce?

Because that is where you are headed after a long state of limbo where he is allowed to have his needs met in 2 places. He would be a fool to give up that arrangement. He can probably linger on for YEARS like this, getting his needs met by 2 places, while he very slowly and gradually withdraws from you and draws closer to her.

However, if you go into Plan B before he has completely withdrawn from you, you might just give him some motivation to come off that fence. He doesn't KNOW that the OW can't meet all his needs, and at this rate will NEVER KNOW IT. Essentially, you are enabling his affair.

Have you exposed to all key people in your lives?

Insanity=doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

(((((((((((tdr)))))))))))

It probably is time for you to go into Plan B. I spent a lot of time reading about it last night. SH recommends a limit to A, like 6 months.

I really feel for you having a flipped out WH. It's a good thing you don't have neighbors to complain about his noise and your backyard. Too bad you can't get your remodel finished. I'm learning how to fix more things all the time.

Before he was even WH, my kids can count the amount of times their dad played ball with them on one hand. He tried with DD once and got bursitis in his elbow and never did again. I've often wondered how different it would be if he had encouraged them more with team sports. The sports my boys have liked best are individual performance sports that are part of a team.

Hang in there. It's a good thing we've got each other.

For your questions...

1...no contact means less contact to almost none...acting like you dont care about WH or anything to do with him.

2. I dont know what that mud stuff got to do with plan B so no answer here.

3.Yes only on kids and finance...but you must be strong in this matter...all conversation STRICTLY on kids and finance...all conversation SHORT AND DIRECT...dont get caught into talking more than that

4.Since you have been living there 5 years...what is 1 more year? It can wait a little longer...go dark on WH...take the time to find yourself and to decide what exactly YOU want in life...take a break and learn to focus on yourself.

take care