I do not know where to start. I feel so sad today and all of the sudden I can not stop crying. It is all getting to me now after so long that I have not cried. I can not even see well while I type tonight.

I am tired of his WH games and fog. He must have had lots of good love units in my love bank because even after all this I still love that [censored] (Am I allow to say that here?English is my second language so I am not sure if it is an acceptable insult to use in public).

He was back home acting a lot better and all of the sudden decides he wants to be alone becuase when he is with one can only think about the other. What the heck is that! Knowing that he has the freedom now to talk to her as if I did not existed it is killing me inside. Ordered HNHN in tape by his request. He says he can not deal with what he is feeling. (withdraw symptoms). I do not know how to help him.

Why does he does that? Never mind! I will answer that one myself. Because I let him do it to me.

I tried Plan B without success a few times before. I failed at NC. He always gets to me somehow. I know all his tricks by now.

Take it easy with the 2x4's because I have no helmet. Oh well, what the heck! Go ahead! I can not hurt anymore. already hurting too much today.

Does he has a clue of the pain I am in? He says he is staying away becuase he claims knowing how much he hurt me already. (it took him reading my diary to find that out).

I failed at Plan B. I felt I have had it at one point. Mentioned divorce. He went nuts! called everyone we knew crying his heart out (only they believe him his crocodile tears). Begs for a week. Reads my diary. Decides wants to be friends. A week later sleeps with OW again. That is how sorry he was.

I did a great plan A. Do not have the strenght to attempt plan B again. Not now. Deep inside I want to but I feel too weak today to think clearly.

In laws have spent so much money on their own way of trying to "save" the marriage (taking me to a "Lady" to light candles, start mantras, say prayers, etc). I figure I give it a try to not say I did not try it. Do not know how to tell them I am going to plan B his behind after all they have done/spent.

I am just hurting too much today. Feel like I am back to square one but with the experience of the mistakes done on my bag this time.

Maybe tommorrow I will see things better.

I am following Caren's and David's plan B. Taking notes but can not seem to get to it. How can you guys do it!?You have fallen of the wagon and hopped back on. I fell off and stayed off.

I should have come here for support while attempting Plan B before. Maybe that is the difference.

My eyes are going to be so puffy tommorrow and I have to run errands. Take baby to Doctor for that cold he can get over it. Take Step son to his mom that actually came back to life and wants to see him for school break (all yearround school).

It does not matter what I do or try to entertain myself with, I can not stay away from thinking about him. I have not cried in a long time like this. I will blame it on the time of the month approaching(that is also out of wack because of the stress). I know, more information that what you need. Sorry, I am just going 100 miles an hour here.

Maybe I will go to bed and try to get some sleep. Yeah right! Thanks for listening. It is good to have "strangers" that will listen in time of need. Thanks guys! Love

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: love of a lifetime ]</small>

Sorry you are feeling so down - but it is perfectly normal. I didn't start feeling really good for almost a year after D-day. Now (2years post D-day, I hardly think of WH.

Hang in there and come here and vent. We understand.

{{{{LOAL}}}}

Hey, I hope you are feeling a bit better. I am so sorry for your pain and what you are going thru. I had a day like that not too long ago when i couldnt even get up off my bathroom floor i was crying so hard and so badly. You will feel better, its funny , when you think about the same things over and over your mind begins to get tired , and you start to think of other things. Do you have any interests to take your mind off your problems, at least for a little while?

I think after reading your message, I feel like crying too. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry.

Tomorrow, start with a list of all the things you will be accomplishing during the day. Stick to the list. Keep busy. In a good point, try and start thinking about what you are going to do about all this. NOT what you are going to do about WH, but what are you going to do to make yourself happy.

You may want to think about seeing a counselor if you aren't already. Perhaps depression is hindering your ability to move forward.

Be strong...it gets better if you can get there. And please stop saying to yourself "I failed at Plan B." Think only about why it didn't work and what corrections you will make next time to make it work if that is what you decide. I can only imagine how hard it is though. I'll pray for you tonight.

You will never get better if you dont stand up and fight for yourself.

If you dont do anything then you will always feel emotionally wreck. Go for counseling. Do something.

Take care

Dear Love,

What you are feeling is about at the right timeline. The adrenaline from the shock of the A is wearing off. Reality of it all is setting in and you don't like where you are. Typical.

Now the solution to help you is to do some MB homework (reading books: surviving an affair, his needs/her needs and even love must be tough), take the EN questionnaire, get with a good mc or better yet call Steve H @ MB, visit your doctor for AD suggestions, get STD tested (if A is still active), secure your finances and home, create a support group and expose the A.

What is still left undone on your agenda? Your ENs are screaming to be met and they are not. Please read about the 5 stages of grieving in my sig link.

Hope this helps. If you need help with a plan after working on your agenda, let us know.

take care,
L.

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 05:11 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Believer-thanks for your support. It feels good knowing I am not alone.

Shelly_3- I have interests that keep me busy but not with my mind away from WH. It is sad how addictive they are.

Gentlsoul-I am sorry I made you feel like crying too. I have been thinking what to do to make myself happy. I am getting a F/T job and start getting ready for Plan B. Thanks for your advice and support.

Zizzycool-I will stand up and fight again! I need to plan ahead better this time. Focus more. Can’t afford a counselor and that is why I spend lots of time in this addictive good web site.

Orchid- I read HNHN, SAA and Love Busters. I exposed the A long ago. I can not think of anyone not knowing. As soon as I get a FT job with medical benefits I am getting tested for STD’s. Will not use AD. Last night was a bad day out of many good ones I have been having. Working on the finances. I run all the “numbers” at the house but do not work. Looking for a job right now. WH has been financially supporting me all this time and claims he wont leave me in a bad financial situation but who can believe him anymore, right?! I think I am back to the anger and depression stage. Thanks for your advise. Always welcome.

I am feeling a bit better this morning. I had an awful night. Nightmares like crazy. Ex: A Kangaroo took my baby from his crib and dropped him in the livingroom! What the heck was that. And that was just one example of many weird stuff last night.

I was thinking what triggered last nights episode on me. A SPIDER did it. I was going to sit in my computer (in my bedroom) to get to this website before going to sleep and saw a HUGE spider over the drapes rod between my computer and bed. Argghhh! I am not afraid of spiders normaly but this thing was big and not like the usual type I see and kill all the time in my house (live in middle of orange grove). I ask how could I get rid of it. Got a broom and started planning quickly. If I hit it, it may hide behind the drapes and I will never find it. If I swing a it, it may end up behind the desk or the bed. So I figure if I make it come towards me it will be a better idea. I get the broom and kind of poke at the spider with the broom bristles from the bottom to make it climb on the broom. IT DID! Woo Hoo! So I pull it towards me. Drop it on the floor. BANG! BANG, BANG..the thing still walking around the floor.BANG BANG! still walking but now with less legs..BANG BANG BANG. Alright! I managed to kill it.Yeah!

Then it all hit me. I usually call my WH for stuff like that when he is around.
I should have felt proud I did it on my own and "protected" myself and children from a nasty bite. No! I started feeling angry at my WH for not being here to "protect us", then I felt sad and it just went downhill from me from that point on last night.

Amazing what can trigger an emotional "panic" attack.

Oh well, got to go get ready for today errands. be back later to check on the postings. Have a good one. Love

You will get better once you start focusing on yourself.

I was a stay at home mom before WH drop the bomb on me. The next day i knew immediately that i needed to get a job. Its important so that you wont feel like you are dependent on WH. I think that is the first thing you must do.

Put a hold on plan B. Keep doing plan A until you find a job...but make sure that is your main focus for now and nothing else.

I dont know about other BS but for me...i knew i could not go into plan B until i found a job because that gave me a lot of security to know i dont need support from WH.

Now i can say i still want WH but i dont need him... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Zizzycool- I am trying to hold on plan B until I find a job because I think keeping busy will keep me better on Plan B. I am not sure I can hold it for much longer. I am hurting too much with him wanting to be "alone" so he can not hurt me or OW. Sounds to me like big fog and babble. That is his way with not making a choice and being able to talk to her and me openly. I want to plan B so bad but do not feel ready yet. I am looking for jobs. Next week I will intensify it. This week we were all sick at home and my strenght is just not there. I am so tired.

I was thinking today in making a list of all the things that he has done that hurt the most and keep it handy for when I go to plan B and start feeling sorry for myself and for whatever trick he may try to use to break me. I will just read it and remind myself why I am doing Plan B so I could see pass the tears and pain of the moment and bring myself back to the reality of the situation and why I want to stay in a safe place for myself (plan B) away from their craziness. I am not sure it may work but I am going to try it.

Thanks for your support. Was it hard for you going back to work? How long were you out before going back? I always work since I was of age to do it. Been SAHM since baby was born 18 months ago. The hardest has been being supported by WH. I was used to support myself before. Now I am scared becuase I make some numbers that do not add up now. I used to live alone, renting and no kids. Now Mortagage is higher, daycare is expensive and good paying jobs are hard because I can not work all hours like when I had no kids. I wish I lived closer to my parents for help. If I had the kids in daycare and needed to work odd hours they would at least pick them up. It would be a big help.

Oh well. One thing at a time. I will see what happens.

I was watching Barney today with the baby and they mentioned how "mommies and daddies" work out and were getting home from work, etc. How do we explain to our kids that things are not like that at home and it is OK too. He is just a baby but kids pick up quick what goes on around them.

LOAL