My name is Cindy and I'm the WS. I have been married for 11 years and have 3 wonderful children. I started my A back in May '04. I ran into the OM at the local grocery store. I wish I had kept on walking by. The OM is someone I dated before I met my H. I really liked the OM back then, but he didn't reciprocate the same feelings. I had met my H during the time that I was dating the OM. He {my H} had been a good friend to me. I started dating my now H when things fizzled for the OM and I. After dating only a couple of months, my H moved in with me and soon after that I became pregnant. We thought the right thing to do was to get married. My H says that he was in love with me the moment he saw me. When I married him, I was not in love with him. During the course of our M, I came to love him in the sense that I really care about him. To this day, I don't believe that I've been in love with my H. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
I was married only about a month when I had my first A with the OM. The first A was back in '94. I had oral sex with the OM while I was pregnant {about 6 weeks along or so} with my H's unborn child.
My second A started in May '04. It was with the same OM { the guy I was dating before I met my H}. My H and I have had our fair share of normal marital problems, but I actually wanted out of my marriage back in March '04 {2 months before I ran into the OM}.By no means am I justifying my A. I can't believe the amount of hurt I have caused my H and children. Yet I kept hurting them time and time again. I can't believe how much I have totally messed up our lives. The second A had gone on for 9 months. It just recently ended. I have lied to my H and children before saying that it was over, but it really wasn't. I didn't want to let go. I need and want to let go. I have 3 great children and a H who has been standing by my side. They deserve so much better. I need to be the mother that I used to be and I need to give my M a fair chance. I have never really given my M a fair chance.

I'm sorry for such a long first post, but I wanted everyone to have a better understanding of my sitch. I need support to help me through this and any valuable advice.

Hi Cindy,
Like you, I'm a former WW. My A ended in early January and this board has been very helpful in getting me through the last seven weeks. It's been very hard, but this is a great place to hear other stories of how they are handling the problems of A's, what your spouse is probably going through, etc.

The first thing I learned, is that immediately after the A ended, I had a very warped image of whether I ever loved my husband. In the fog, your perspective is very wacked out. You probably loved your husband far more than you are remembering right now. Give that some time to fully assess. He obviously loves you very much and that is a blessing. I'm already feeling totally different....I've been married for 19 years and know I love him very much - but around D-Day felt some very awful feelings.

And give yourself some time to get through the withdrawls of no longer having the OM in your life. If you are feeling that now, you know it's painful. It passes afterwhile - weeks but maybe a few months. Be strong on this - and at the end of every day feel good that you didn't contact him. Replace old habits with new ones that involve your husband and family.

Counseling is very helpful I found, as well as anti-depressants. Never had either one before last month, but hey, guess my time was now!

Write whenever you need strength. It helps!

Good luck to you and know that in the end of a long journey, it can all get better than it was before. My husband and children are glad to have me back and I wish the same for you.

Hi Cindy,

You have found a good place here.

Have you been totally honest with your husband? Thats where you need to start.

There is a lot of information on this web site, and alot of great books ae listed on her ethat can help you recover your marriage.

If you want to give your marriage a chance then do a good non contact with OM...cut off all ties with OM forever...

cindy..

the thing is if that if you started having affairs one month in to your marriage....and then picked up the behaviors and actions here and there along away...

the thing is ...it's like you've (YOU) have never really ever plugged yourself in to your marriage...

you've kept the OM parachute with you...sometimes placed in the closet...and then sometimes taken out...

affairs take a lot energy...all energy sucked away from our marriages...primary relationships...and family...

also affairs take a lot of energy to justify and deny..and our brains are heavy protector of oneself from pain...

all that energy invested outside the marriage/family...
and even when not actively involved in an affair..you're still carrying around the baggage of your actions of the affairs...it's kind there in the corner....peeking at you....
weighing you down....

our marriages all of them are not entities that exist outside of our actions...
our marriages are exactly what we create them to be...the good and the bad...
and they are a direct creation of the energy and type of energy we put in them..

few if any have an affair...and while the affair is going on...create a better or great marriage...
the marriage always suffers during an affair...it is the nature of the beast...

so your husband knows...of all the affairs or just the recent one...
and what is his plan about it...

ARK

Cindy,

Welcome to MB, you seem to be on the right path, congrats for that. A few things that will help you and your H.

A no contact letter, to ensure OM knows you are done with him, and want no further contact with him for the REST OF YOUR LIVES. Add that you love your H and you want your M. This will give your H peace of mind as well. There are many letters floating around for you to get ideas from.

Also, read and understand the dynamics of A's. Read this sight, read books, anything you can get your hands on. This will help you in your personal journey to recover yourself.

You must find the reason why you chose to have this affair, and from their go about changing your ways, to enusure that it doesn't happen again. (this does not mean, because my M was in such a state, I was lonely, my H didn't meet my needs, it means seek your soul, and find out what led YOU to make the decision)

Your marriage can be saved, but you need to take action, not just talk the talk, but action to save it.

Search book suggestions also.

Good luck on your journey.

Recovered Wife,
KY

Cindy, welcome to MB. I too am a FWW, I am also a BS. Been on both sides and can tell you how painful both aspects of an A are. Are you in IC? MC? I agree what the others told you about a NC letter to OM approved by your H and mailed by your H. Sounds like you want to do the right thing by your H and children. That is a good place to start.

Hi Cindy...The following was posted by Suzet in December and I think it might be helpful for you to read.

You are going to be going through some MAJOR WITHDRAWALS from this 'wrongful romance' with the OM.

I take it he is the one that broke things off? That probably is making you feel that much more guilty that it wasn't your idea.

Hang in there; it will get better as time goes on...You will NEED to tell your husband as this will help you NOT to be tempted to get together with OM again...
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here is Suzet's messageAuthor Topic: To Arjdad (and others who are interested) - A quick start guide about WITHDRAWAL
Suzet*
Member
Member # 35606

posted December 08, 2004 05:43 AM
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Arjdad,

I've read through all your posts and saw you've asked many questions on different threads. I’ve compiled this post to help answering your questions from my point of view and experience as a FWW. Some of the info is from posts I’ve already sent to other members. I’ve also included quotes from Dr Harley’s Q & A columns.

First, here is a list of the most important questions you’ve asked on your threads:

How long for the fog to lift, and see some progress from 'both" sides?

How long the w/drawal? Is there anything else I should/could be doing?

How long after Dday and NC should I wait for the WW to be able to make a serious effort to try to rebuild?

How am I supposed to find the line between backing off and being patient and giving her some space, as opposed to smothering her and telling her ily and practically groveling?

How am I supposed to act while my WW goes thru w/drawal? I read someone say that you can't meet there en's while they are in w/d. Is this true? Should I only be trying to avoid LB's? I just need to give her some time?

Is it too soon for me to expect her to make a serious commitment to our M and to expect some effort? Do I relax, and back off and quit expecting anything so soon?

Can a WW be in the recovery stage while she is still in w/drawal? I am trying to avoid LB'S and meet her EN's, but how for how long?

I’ve addressed most of your questions on the headings below. I’ve classified it to make it simpler for you to read:

‘FOG’ AND WITHDRAWAL

In my experience as a FWW, it’s possible for the ‘fog’ to slip back from time to time during the withdrawal period, especially during early, intense withdrawal. Often early withdrawal and the ‘fog’ go hand in hand and it will be normal for your W to have a ‘foggy’ thinking pattern during this stage. The 'fog' lifts gradually as the withdrawal lessens and it will get better with time and patience.

An A IS an addiction and it does affect the brain chemistry of a WS/FWS. It is a feedback system where some behavior causes good feelings (chemicals) to be released and gradually you become dependent on those feelings. So thinking of the OP is sort of self-medicating when the FWS feels a little down.

It can take weeks to months for this to pass an that’s why No Contact is so hard because some of the residual feelings and response linger for a long time. With time, the "feelings" attached to remembering the OP will fade.

It has been suggested and even done that when the FWS start to really think of OP, that they call or talk with the BS. This behavior will start to replace one set of feelings and memories for another, sort of like quitting smoking. This is something you can discuss with your W.

LENGTH OF WITHDRAWAL AND EFFECT OF WIHTDRAWAL ON THE FWS

Withdrawal is not the same for each person and it affects each person differently. For some people withdrawal is very long and intense, and some people don’t experience any withdrawal at all (no withdrawal is not very common, but it does happen to some FWS’s).

I believe the length and intensity of withdrawal depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A and the emotional involvement; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; ‘sensitivity’ level of the WS etc. A good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. According to Dr Harley (see quote beneath) the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, but in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. As I’ve said, it’s not the same for each person and every situation is different.

I think the time of withdrawal also depends if the WS were friends with the OP before it progressed to an A. It’s more difficult to recover from an A where it started out as friendship comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning (like a ONS) and have not yet get emotionally connected and learned to care for the OP.

IMO it also depends if the FWS suffers from depression or any other mental/psychiatric disorders. In my situation, ‘real recovery’ from my withdrawal started after I received medical help for OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) with associated depression and anxiety. I also had unresolved issues regarding my childhood and myself at the time and I believe those things also had an influence on my personal recovery.


quote:
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From Dr Harley’s Q & A column:

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.
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HOW TO ACT AND HELP THE FWS GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL

It’s ‘important for your W to let her feelings out if she wants to heal. Bottling up and repressing of issues will eventually lead to depression. I’ve received the help from a wonderful, woman, Christian Counselor (who have also became a great friend and confidant of mine), but in spite of this I’ve developed depression and was put on anti-depressants. It will help if your W to goes to a professional, outside, trusting, Christian person like an IC (woman) or pastor if necessary. If she start develop depression, medication can be very helpful... The medication really helped me tremendously during the withdrawal period.

A MC is very valuable for the recovery of a M, but many times the help of an individual counselor (IC) or any other professional, outside person (like a pastor), can be very helpful too. The MC can be used to have one-on-one sessions with both the BS and FWS. An outside person is not emotionally involved and can help with personal recovery and to get feelings out. The IC can also address other personal issues the FWS or BS may have. I believe personal recovery and marital recovery goes hand in hand and sometimes it’s necessary to address personal issues first. A FWS in withdrawal don’t always have the courage to be totally honest and open in front of the BS about their feelings (out of fear that they will hurt the BS again) and this is the other reason why it’s important for the FWS to find a trusting outside person they can talk to.

It will also help if your W can read and post here. It will help her to get her feelings out. Support and help from experienced members here will also help her through this difficult time. While I was in early withdrawal, these boards also helped to clear my ‘fog’. Although I was still in withdrawal, these boards helped me realize that my ‘bond’ with OM wasn’t such a special and unique ‘friendship’, but in fact a very sinful and damaging emotional betrayal towards my dear H.

Here is some suggestion on how to help & support your W through withdrawal:

1. Be your W’s greatest friend and confidant. Encourage her to confide in you and create an environment & atmosphere that will allow her to feel safe and secure to reveal her innermost feelings to you. Maybe you can start to be honest with her about you innermost thoughts and feelings and in the process encourage her to open up towards you too without the fear that you will Love Bursting or criticize or judge her.

2. Be you W’s ‘sounding-board’ during this difficult time. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to her with empathy, understanding & care. Continue to communicate your negative feelings too, but do it without being judgmental or love bursting. I know this is a lot to ask and will still be hard to do sometimes, but you WILL receive the benefits, especially when both of you are further in recovery!

3. Realize that your W will go through stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. During this times, try to let him feel accepted, tell her that she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times like this remind her that he is forgiven by both you and God.

4. Assure and tell your W that she must feel free to talk to you whenever she needs it of feels like it… Encourage her to speak to you whenever she feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you, ask her about her feelings and show interest and concern about her feelings out of your own. As a FWW it was very difficult to overcome my own pain, loss and grief and on the same time dealt with the pain I've caused my H. I know it would have meant the world to me if my H could ask me about my feelings, without me initiating the subject.

5. If you W needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage to tell her that you really want to listen to her, but on another time when you feel stronger and ready to listen. At the same time your W must also have the understanding and care to allow you to be honest towards her too. This is really a give and take situation. Your W must also encourage YOU to speak to HER whenever you need it or feels like it. On this way both of you will help each other to heal and recover. On this way you will become EACH OTHER’S greatest friends and confidants.

Remember, the pain “deserved” for your W is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both you and your W and give it time and patience.

WITHDRAWAL, RECOVERY AND MEETING THE NEEDS OF THE FWS

Recovery starts as soon as there is NC with the OP. During this time the BS is advised to only fill the EN’s the FWS ALLOWS the BS to meet. This is so because the FWS is in withdrawal and won’t be able to concentrate solely on the BS and relationship. However, this will get better with time and as the fog starts to clear. I think you must give it time for at least 6 months. Don’t put pressure on your W with too much ‘relationship talk’ during this time. Give her some time and in the meantime, continue with a good plan A. No LB’ers. Also concentrate on yourself and do things you enjoy. As soon as your W is ready, she will start to open up towards you and you will start to notice some efforts from her. But give it TIME and PATIENCE. BE there for her when she needs you (the guidelines I have posted above), but try to keep things uncomplicated, unemotional, light and pleasant.


quote:
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From Dr Haley’s Q & A column:
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.
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I hope this could be of some help and insight. Anyone who wants to add extra advice and info on this, please do so!

Blessings,
Suzet

:

As to this "I'm not 'in love' with my H, but I 'love' him": Every WS here has said and every BS has heard it. It isn't particularly original--in fact, it is pretty banal. (If we had a dime for every time that was written on this board, we would all be rich.)

So, you've had 3 kids with your H, deeply care for him, hate that you've hurt him, and consider him a wonderful H, but you don't love him? That is nonsense--so get off that issue, and move on to the real problem:

You deserve to have your needs fulfilled within the M. You have to identify what you want out of the M, and the you have to work to have those needs fulfilled. What was the OM giving you that you wanted? What aren't you getting from the M?

First and foremost I would like to thank everyone that replied to my post. All of you gave me some very insightful advice. I am actually surprised by the support that I received.


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john3479 asked: Have you been totally honest with your husband?

No, I haven't been totally honest with letting him know everything. I know that I need to and it would probably make me feel better not carrying around a secret, always wondering if he found out . Sometimes I'm afraid to tell him because I'm afraid of how he will react. He hasn't always made me feel safe in telling him everything. We get into some really bad fights where we're yelling at each other, things have been thrown and broke, we have gotten physical.


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ark^^ asked:so your husband knows...of all the affairs or just the recent one...

Yes he knows about both A's with the same OM.

and what is his plan about it...

His plan all along has been sticking by my side and wanting to save our marriage. He wants me to be 100% honest about everything in order for him to move on.


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faithful follower asked: Are you in IC? MC?

No I am not currently in IC, but think it may be a good benefit for me. We are not currently in MC right now. We did go to about 6 sessions back in Sept to Oct '04. We agree that we need to get back to MC.


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Blessed TIME asked: You are going to be going through some MAJOR WITHDRAWALS from this 'wrongful romance' with the OM. I take it he is the one that broke things off?

It was a mutual break, but I have kept the contact going in some form. I'm the one having trouble with the no contact.

The contact has to stop.

Cold turkey. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Period.

Contact = failure.

Writing a no contact letter with the help of your husband can be tremendously therapeutic - for BOTH of you. Do not underestimate the symbolic power of this gesture, along with the intuitive practicality of it.

Do you realize how lucky you are to have a spouse willing to stand by your side? Perhaps you should visualize the opposite.

Please consider printing out this thread and asking your husband to read it. Invite him here from me so that he can also begin to tackle the tasks he'll have.

You said, "He hasn't always made me feel safe in telling him everything. We get into some really bad fights where we're yelling at each other, things have been thrown and broke, we have gotten physical." (Seems rather odd coming from someone who is willing to stand beside you 100%...)

If you can't tell H everything because you are afraid to, then you need MC for a couple of reasons. First, a MC can act as a buffer to help tell him about different things. Second, a MC can help teach you and he how to talk and argue with each other without it escalating into a nuclear war.

You can't learn that basic kind of skill without help. You and he really need MC. There aren't any shortcuts here. It will probably take a year to work through all of these problems, so you and he need to make a long term commitment to following through with this.

Hi Cindy,

Maybe you never were "in love" with your H because you always had one foot out the door. I think it's possible that cheating on your H so early into the M may have affected you this way.

An anthropologist named Helen Fisher has a book, just out in paperback, called Why We Love, that you may want to check out.

Here's a link to look at:

http://homepage.mac.com/helenfisher/Release.htm

The bottom line... you can be in love with your H. If you choose to love him, and you put as much into your M as you would like to get out of it, it will happen.

GC

Thank you so much for the new responses I received. I am truly thankful for all the useful thoughts and advice.

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Jimmy Mac asked:
You deserve to have your needs fulfilled within the M. You have to identify what you want out of the M, and the you have to work to have those needs fulfilled. What was the OM giving you that you wanted? What aren't you getting from the M?


What I want out of my M:

1. to be treated as an equal
2. to be truly appreciated { I feel I am taken for granted}
3. to be able to carry on a conversation
4. to be best friends
5. to spend quality time with me { I used to feel second rate to a on-line game he used to play. I felt the only time he wanted anything to do with me was when he wanted sex.}

The OM was giving me everything my H wasn't .


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worthatry asked: Do you realize how lucky you are to have a spouse willing to stand by your side? Perhaps you should visualize the opposite.

I truly do realize how lucky I am to have my H stand by my side. I have said all along that not many men would stand by the WS's side as long as he has. He has given me so many chances to end the A before. Time and time again, I would contact the OM.

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Hi Cindy,
The first steps are hard - At the risk of oversimplifying, it means facing your A, telling your husband about it, having no contact with the OM, going through withdrawls and working on your marriage. Each step is huge, but when you finish a step it means you are closer to being a healthy wife and mother again. Read everything on the Marriage Builders info pages. It helps!

1st step - Tell your husband about your A. If you are afraid of physical harm, then get into MC together. You will probably need/want individual help during this time too. IC is great. Search for good therapists - and don't necessarily settle on the first ones.

2nd step - No contact with OM. Write a letter together with your husband to the OM. This board can help you find some good ones. Get ready for withdrawls and NEVER give in and contact him, no matter how much it hurts.

It's the only way to break free Cindy. It's been hard, but I'm doing it and I feel so much better than two months ago...crippled by an A, feeling like scum and deceiving everyone around me. Once you stabilize, it's wonderful to rediscover your huband and family. But, you can't get there until the OM is gone and the A is out in the open.

Hang in there...

Update:

Hi Everyone! A little while ago I sat down with my H and told him the last of my secrets. God! I feel so much better now telling him the truth about the secrets I was hiding. It's such a good feeling not having to carry them around anymore.

I truly believe that in order for us to move forward , I needed to tell him the truth. It's a clean slate. A fresh start. I have said before that he hasn't always made me feel safe in telling him the truth. I felt safe. I know some things may have hurt him, but he listened and didn't get upset out of control.

We had hit rock bottom. At this point in time, we can only move up the ladder. I can not believe how good it feels to tell the truth. The truth shall set you free.

Good for you - atta girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The truth does indeed set you free.

Sounds like he took it well. Feel the admiration for your husband when you think about that. He loves you like no one else on earth can.

Keep talking Cindy. He'll probably have more questions as time progresses and he processes what you told him. Answer all his questions as best you can. Do not lie, even if you think it is to protect his feelings. Try and get into MC right away to deal with all this. You both need it.

Read, read, read all you can on this web site. Order the books. Encourage your husband to do the same.

Feel proud of yourself today - that you are facing your problem. Then, start thinking of no contact letter to OM.

OK, I'm done being a bossy pants. Congrats again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cindy... was thinking about those things you say you want to get out of your M. It's fair for you to want those things.

Now the hard part. You've put yourself in a position where, in order to get those things out of your M, you're going to have to put some faith in your H.

The reason I say that... if you just expect the desired generosity from him right now... you're likely to be disappointed. Not because he doesn't want to give you those things - it's evident that he does - but because he does not trust you and has doubts about your suitability as a partner. I think you probably see this.

That comment is not meant to chasten or humble you, Cindy. Just trying to encourage you to see something that many WS seem to have trouble "getting" when they're where you are: how profoundly you have hurt your H. It would take something extraordinary to top this experience as the worst thing that's ever happened to him. It's miles, miles, miles worse than anything he's ever experienced. I can about guarantee it. I'm telling you from my own experience... the pain is simply staggering.

I'm sure you can get everything you want from your M, but you have to have faith in that right now and focus on trying to make amends. In MB jargon... it's time to lock your Taker in the closet for a while and get your Giver into shape. You've committed a grave offense against your H and family, and it's going to be a while before you're in a position to make any demands.

But have faith that when you have taken the right steps towards acknowledging what you've done, hearing your H's pain, and trying to understand the profound damage that your actions created, your rewards will be similarly profound.

GC

Cindy,

I have just read this thread and first I want to congratulate you on telling your H. Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Secondly, I can see you are confused with the concept of love. I want you to have a better understanding of real love and what it is and the differences between real/true love, romantic love, infatuation etc. Currently you are also in a fog because of your involvement with the OM and because of this, you confuse the fog with love.

The following threads will be of much help to you and give you some insight and understanding. Please read it:

Real/true love, romantic love and feelings of love

The difference between the Fog and Love

The difference between The Fog, Infatuation and Being In Love

What is love?

Cindy, for some time I also felt that I were in love with the OP. I felt confused about my feelings for XOM and started to question my feelings for my H. This was all part of the ‘fog’ and my own lack of knowledge and understanding about the nature of love and the differences between infatuation; “falling” in love and mature love in a M. I didn’t understand how it could be possible to develop such deep “in love” feelings for another man while still loving my own spouse… I thought it couldn’t be possible to have feelings for two persons at the same time. However, I have read and researched a lot on this topic and discovered the following:

People and especially WS’s often confuse real, stable & mature love (which can only be obtained through a long, committed relationship like a M) with the first stages of immature, puppy love when people “fall” in love and when hormones and chemicals are running high… These are 2 completely different types of love (mature & immature). When the WS then gets involved with someone else and experience those early stages of love & feelings with another person, they start to say to their spouses: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. I thought the same thing after my near-EA ended, but I have learned and grown and realized that I was indeed “in love” with my H, but in a more mature way. I have learned there is a difference between “falling” in love and “being” in love: Spouses don’t stop to love each other, but instead, love transforms and develops into something more mature and stable.

The following is from a website link and very insightful: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Falling in love is obviously not confined to infidelity. Most contemporary marriages start out with romantic love. But, therapists say, couples have to grow up and understand that "feelings of love are neither steady nor constant but travel in natural cycles," as Abrahms Spring puts it. "If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideas about love, the problem may be not with your relationship but with your ideas," she writes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope this will help,
Suzet

Thanks again everyone for your insight!

Suzet: I don't think I have ever read so much! Thank you for sending me those links about love.

Graycloud: I realize how much I have hurt my H. I can't believe he has stayed by my side. He has been very strong throughout this A, although I know it has worn him down. If the roles were reversed, I honestly don't know what I would do. I tend to think that I would have taken the children and left him. However, he has not done that. I truly believe that he loves me and believes in our M.
My focus is on making amends and not demands. I know we have a long road ahead of us.


The H and I have had a good day today. It is a very pleasant feeling to get along with one another and not have an argument. I used to dread coming home from work and dealing with everything. I really dreaded being home for the weekend. I only work M-F, but I sure would rather have worked 7 days a week. That's how bad it was here for us. I felt bad for the children. I have a lot to amend with them as well because of all the damage I have caused. They have really suffered too. I sure have my work cut out for me, but I am willing to pay the price for my actions.