I know it is a little long but would like your suggestions so it can be most effective.
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I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I foolishly pursued my career and other selfish needs without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I took you for granted - the one thing you asked me not to do when you committed yourself 100% to me. I rejected you sexually and was too independent instead of focusing on our partnership. I tried to control you and nitpick everything you did. When we were dating, I focused my attention on you, considered your feelings and did things to make our relationship an inviting place for you but when we got married, my priorities shifted and I settled into the security marriage provided even though I was not nurturing it to be everlasting. I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to love unconditionally. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and now we are both suffering for my mistakes.
In considering the things most important to me, I have re-evaluated how I demonstrate my priorities and even though you feel they are superficial I am making them permanent and improving myself and my life. I am a better person. I make mistakes every day, but everyday I strive to be the best person I can be and the best wife I can be to you. I am learning for the first time that I can only control my actions and I am trying not to manipulate and control you by my own actions whether emotionally or financially. I realize this was part of my selfishness and I try to think more before I act. Watching what I say has been hard for me especially growing up around very vocal and confident women who pretty much spoke their mind but I am trying to following the motto, "If it ain't nice, don't say it". Everyone is this world is trying to bring us down, it is my responsibility to be there for you and uplift you. That doesn't mean I don't share what’s on my mind but I am trying to be more considerate with how I approach you, how I respond and resolve conflicts with you. I have broken down the walls I had when I thought doing things for you was actually belittling for me as a woman if you didn't reciprocate. I actually enjoy cooking for you, taking care of our house and doing other things for you without thinking that you are taking advantage of me. Going out and having activities together is an important way for couples to build a relationship and continue to have fun together but also I've realized that just as important is the love and security I feel when you draw me near to you and put your arms around me just relaxing in bed on a Sunday morning. I'm learning not to take anything for granted. I cannot sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can, however, honestly say that I have learned a lot about respect, honoring, cherishing and companionship. I want to learn even more about how you want to be loved and how to be a supportive, unselfish and loving wife. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife and/or the mother of your unborn children; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband.
I married you for life and I want to stay married to you. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. I have been trying and am willing to continue to do what it takes to be the wife you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage. Since December 2004, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you and a better person overall. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together.
But the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. You have chosen to spend your time with this specific woman and possibly others. You have told me you are still in contact with OW, care deeply for her and that I cannot stop you from seeing her. The dilemma is while I've been trying to focus on the things I did to contribute to an unhealthy marriage, I am continually distracted, stressed and anxious when I think about my H sitting across from OW and enjoying her company and then the next night sitting across from me and doing the same. Even if you think this is on a friendship level not a romantic level, you lied to be in this situation so it is a fantasy and involves you further building an emotional bond with OW and deliberately continuing a relationship which you know hurts me. Think about how the relationship started in the first place: from going on dates together e.g. lunch and getting to know each other and sharing your troubles with work and relationships with each other. That led to the physical relationship and as long as you continue any kind of contact, there is a risk that physical relationship could reignite. I feel disrespected knowing that my H choose to be in these situations. I feel ashamed that I accepted less from my husband and I let you hurt me this way because I felt this is what I had to do so I could continue to be with you.
As you and I both predicted, I have reached my limits, I cannot continue until you end your relationship with OW once and for all. I cannot work on rebuilding our marriage while there is someone else constantly chipping away at the foundation. You're a strong and confident man and you deserve a strong, decent woman who will not compromise her values. The emotional affair/neglect/rejection/insensitivity/disrespect is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. Therefore, in order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you and avoid seeing you or talking to you. I feel it is best that you find another place to stay while I stay in our home. H, please understand that this is very difficult and not meant to punish you or threaten you with any ultimatum but rather to protect my feelings for you and our chances at a real reconciliation. I know that I risk loosing you forever, but I cannot continue to be you without putting pressure on you to make a decision and I don't want to make any demands on you. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way.
You married me of your own free choice without any pressure, blackmail or bribery from me. I cannot force you to stay any more today than I could have made you marry me in 2001. The choice is again yours. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW, demonstrate it in a credible way and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation and most of all committed to me and our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to deliberately hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly the moments have been, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Healthy relationships are based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being.
You are my first and the only love I ever expected and wanted to have when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply and are the only person I will continue to love until we reach a resolution whatever the outcome may be. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you chose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you even above my own and do not wish any harm or ill to you.
I love you H and you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I chose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I am trying to forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I hope we will be together again one day and find the key to each other's everlasting happiness.
Your loving wife,
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