I am a betrayed fiancée (BSF) and Dday was 12 days before X-mas ‘04, after living with my WSF for 1 yr. and 7mos. I walked in to my WSF’s best friend, G’s house and found him hugging OW. OW is G’s daughter, and WSF’s ex-GF from 7 years ago. OW lived 1300 miles away but had been in touch by phone with my WSF for the last 6 years, and he’d always claimed that they were just friends. After all, her Dad was his best friend and it was normal that they remain in contact.
On D-day, I confronted WSF immediately after leaving G’s house and he told me that he’d been a dog, that OW had come to town twice when I’d broken up (for a maximum 2 wks. each time) with him and that they had sex (actually, he said, “I f****d her!) He claimed that since we were broken up, he’d done nothing wrong. I knew he was lying. I called him every name in the book, and actually punched and slapped him a few times. What I see now as a long distance EA throughout our R had also become a PA along the way.
I soon found out through G’s second wife that OW had flown in for Thanksgiving week, while I was away on vacation. I also found out that OW, with WSF’s help, was planning on moving to our city and had been looking for a job. She was staying with her Dad and his second wife. In the meantime, OW claimed that her BF was also planning to move into the area as well and they’d live together.
I left our house (his actually) 2 days after DDay and went into Plan B – with no letter -- immediately. I moved back into my apartment (which I was selling to completely move in with him). I knew about Plan A, but I had no strength to implement it, and my first instinct after learning about all the lies and betrayal was to protect myself. Two and a half months prior to DDay, I also realized that my WSF was a cocaine addict and his best friend, G, was his supplier. G, along with his second wife, OW (his daughter) and his son are all substance abusers. WSF denied he was an addict and refused to get help.
For the last 2 months, I have focused on healing myself, have gone to IC and am also on AD’s, have continued to work except for taking a few days off, and have gotten such great support from family, friends, and God. Throughout this time, WSF would call restricting his phone number and leave silent vm’s on a pretty regular basis. At work, I didn’t have caller ID so if I picked up the phone, he’d just remain silent for about 10 seconds while I said, Hello, hello, hello, and I’d hang up. I received about 40 of them during this period – at home, my cell, and even at work. I knew it was him. He’d done the same when I’d broken up with him in the past and when I questioned him, he admitted to making them because he wanted/needed to hear my voice.
Last Valentine’s Day, to my shock, I received the following e-mail from him:
xxx,
I don't know what's going on in your life but I truly do wish you the
best. You were always a decent human being and always will be.
I just wanted to wish you a happy valentines day because I really feel
you deserve to know that there are people that think about you have good
wishes for you.
All the best thoughts,
Xxx
It brought tears to my eyes but I didn’t respond. The following day, he called my office and thinking it was a client, I picked up his call:
WSF: Hi, did you get my e-mail?
Me: Who is this? (I swear I didn’t recognize his voice!)
WSF: I want closure.
Me: I don’t know what you want from me. I got your e-mail but didn’t think it warranted a response. I’m fine, I’m happy, and I have nothing more to say. Goodbye.
Fifteen minutes later, I received another e-mail:
XXX,
I'm sorry I called you as a follow-up. I wasn't sure if you got the
email and I just needed to know if you did. I realize now that it may
have been selfish of me, and for that I apologize.
I don't know if it was the holiday or just enough time passing that made
me reflect on you and feel like I owe you some words, regardless of
petty things that kept me pissed off at you since the break up.
It's just clear to me that you are a good person at heart and I should
have fight harder to keep you as a friend no matter what. All this is in
the past now and clearly, I can only be a disruption in your life now.
Please accept my apology and be well, which is all I wish for you.
I won't contact you again.
Best regards,
XXX
Again, I didn’t respond. (I have since gotten about 6 more of unknown/restricted calls but no vm’s this time.) The e-mails brought back so much of the painful emotions which I guess I’d managed to put away in a box. Since then, what I have realized is that I too need my closure – but I need to see and feel his remorse, which, up to now, I haven’t. At some point, I’d like to e-mail him back and arrange a meeting so I can let all the pain go. I feel it necessary for me to move onto a healthy relationship in the future. However, I’m afraid that I will be disappointed – that he’ll never own up to how his selfish actions, and therefore hurt me even more, just at the point when I’ve made such progress in feeling good about myself. I also didn’t want to open any communication with him and find out the extent to which our whole R was a lie.
I have read Harley’s SAA, and Dobson’s LMBT, along with other infidelity books. They talk about withdrawal symptoms exhibited by the WS’s when they go NC with the OP’s. Do this symptoms hold true for BS’s – i.e. When in Plan B, do WS’s get and feel those withdrawal symptoms, depression, addiction, etc.???
I have no idea nor have I tried to find out if WSF is still with OW. I’m not sure if I’d be ready to accept that he was. At the same time, I feel the need to confront him and free myself of him totally, and release all the betrayal and hurt I feel inside. So, should I e-mail him back and arrange to meet?
WS’s or anyone – I’d love any advice or thoughts on this.
Allegria
BSF– me, 44, I’ve left him
WSF – 37
Kids – his, from previous marriage, son – 11
D-Day: 12/04
OW: 28, has SO
