W informed me on Sun nite that affair was over and she wasn't going on cruise with om. I haven't been able to find out what happened, who let who go.<BR>She is blaming me for their their relationship failing. She called on Mon and blasted me, saying I got my wish because now she had nobody in her life. That my constant harassing phone calls and my fights with her over the children drove om away. She said that for somebody that says he loves her, that I did far worse to her than she had done to me(yea, I was enjoying thsi day at the beach!). She said she would never forgive me for what I had done to her !<BR>She came to see the kids today and was as cool as a cucumber. She cornered me outside and complained about the high child support payments my lawyer had calculated. She suggested taking less of my pension and then she added if I still wanted a divorce.<BR>I told her I didn;t know what I wanted. A friend suggested I should have asked her what she wanted ? That I was still in protection mode, which I am. <BR>So I'm not sure what I want. I have a lot of doubts but I guess I need to consider whats best for the children.<BR>She is staying at a friends till om goes on cruise on Thurs. I called her their twice to pass on info and she wasn't there. So I'm assuming she is seeing om trying to salvage that relationship. I guess I shouldn't try to read between the lines .

Hi RWD -<P>I'm sorry that this is so painfully up and down for you......<P>You're right....we have to help you figure out what you really want.<P>You're also right in that you seem to be in protective mode!!!!<P>So, let's start with:<P>Do you love your wife?<BR>(put aside her actions and words since the affair - look at the woman who you married and have been with up until that time)<BR>Now - answer the question!!!<P>If no, then proceed with divorce and end it.<P>If yes, and I think this is the answer only because you are feeling so much emotions through all of this. We'll move on to the next question.<P>Can you follow the Harley Concepts and fully understand the "fantasy" aspect of an affair and what is needed for you to do to achieve the goal of rebuilding?<P>Let me know and we'll all help you with how to proceed.......Follow Chris' MB principal thread!!! Understand the temporariness of her emotions with OM and stop taking her zaniness so personally (which is hard cuz to you it is personal) to her it's not something that she can allow herself to look at realistically because of guilt and a need for justification.<P>Have you worked on yourself and your part in the marital breakdown?<P>Hope this helps and know that I'm here for you,<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba<P><BR>

So she is saying she will never forgive you for causing the OM to break it off with her.<P>Nothing about an affair is funny, but you got to be amazed at a betrayer's thought process sometimes.<P>More power to you if you did break them up, but really now, I think she's a bit confused.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL - <P>Ain't that the truth?<P>See RWD - she's very confused and what she said is a very good example of this mindset she's in right now.<P>

Isn't it amazing how the betraying spouse can forget who they are married to? Every aspect of an affair is irrational. Sheba has some good advice here...

Jeez, I guess I'm gonna get the blame for my Wife moving across the country for 8+ months too then! I can hardly wait! <P>You have to protect her from yourself, which means zero lovebusters. I started reading SAA again. The first thing they advise to do is the Rule of Protection - Do not be the cause of your spouses unhappiness. Gotta do it and it'll be tough at times. If you do lovebust, stop yourself and apologize. Tell her you know it was wrong & you're working on it. Do not let it happen again for the same thing.<P>Here is the MB Principles thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007167.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007167.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

RWD - Unfortunately, I think that your W's behavior is not uncommon at all. My W cancelled a "date" with OM to attend a symphony concert on Sunday and blamed me for it by saying that she knew I had a problem with it and I would be giving her grief about it forever...<P>I tried different analogies to try to show her that in weighing the consequences of your actions, you really cannot place the blame on someone else when you decide against something you want. However, no amount of logic will work for a person in this state.<P>The way you described things, I don't think that your wife would have admitted to you what she really wanted even if she is playing with the idea of getting back together. If she is like my W, she probably gets some kind of satisfaction in keeping you in a fog concerning what she is thinking.<P>If you give her enough time, she might turn around(towards you). The big question for you is how long to wait.......

RWD- How long has the affair been going on? Just curious.

Christian<BR>Physical affair started in Mid May, she moved out on July 2 into a hotel, then into an apartment a week later with om moving in a week later.<BR>I'm not sure when the emotional affair started. She told me they had been friends for years. I never heard her mention his name before. She also told me last night that she has a private investigator friend. I have no idea who that is either ! It seems she has this private life at work. I don't think she was seeing these people any place but at work unless it was during the day.<BR> Everybody else:<BR>I should point out that I was not calling her and harassing her, I hardly ever called her at all. The problem was I felt she was neglecting the kids, and also taking advantage of me. I tried to prevent her from having the kids around om, but I didn't want her hanging around the house either.<BR>She agreed not to have om around but he always was, so she didn't make much effort to see the kids,plus she ws in that initial fantasy faze. I kept pointing out that she wasn't seeing the kids enough and I can now understand how she would take offense to this as it was questioning her motherhood. <BR>As for now, I am trying to avoid love busters. I even invited her to eat with us last night which she declined.<BR>Sheba,<BR>SAA was the first book I read, and i then came to this BB, so I am aware of all the things that go on in an affair and tryying to rebuild a marriage.<BR>As for me, I have been going to counseling weekly since July and last week started going to 6 week Rebuilding AFter the Divorce workshop. I am aware of my shortcomings and how that contributed to our marriage problems.<BR>However, in talsk with my counselor and my w's counselor, I've found she has a lot of"other " problems. She is a very insecure person that is searching for happiness. As her counselor said "she is a high maintenance person" that needs constant affirmation of being loved and appreciated and he feels that no one can supply that 100% of the time. Everyone tells me and I believe it, that you have to make your own happiness, that no one can make you happy.<BR>Her unhappiness caused her to be angry, and since I'm a conflict avoider(which I found out during counseling)I withdrew and ended up neglecting her which help lead her to the affair.<BR>Now the hard question, do I still love her? Its easier hating her right now, and its hard to overlook what has gone on the last few months. I was available to forgive her for the affair, but the continuation of it all has floored me. This from a woman who claims to be a borne again Christian.<BR>She has become so selfish that I don't find her attractive. Also I want her to change her job, but she won't do that either. She works afternoons and therefore misses a majority of the kids things. <BR>I feel that she has made the job her number 2 priority after herself. I don't think the family should be # 3 especially the kids and I don't want to be # 4. <BR>So there are a lot of problems that need to be corrected as I see it:<BR>1-her lack of love for herself<BR>2-the job<BR>3-om, he will still be around at work<BR>4-my lack of trust and faith in her<BR>5- her lack of love for me.<BR>I am open to all suggestions.<BR>Thanks!<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited September 22, 1999).]

RWD<P>I wouldn't pay too much attention to what your wife says to hurt you right now. Today the affair is over, tomorrow it may be back on again. Your wife is vey mixed up. Atleast something is changing.<P>You know you have to figure out what you want for you and the kids. I would continue with the no lovebusters and protection mode. Even if you want to get divorced you want it to be as amicable as possible for the sake of the kids. Remove thoughts of revenge, retribution and punishment, but do what you believe is right.<BR>

I just wanted to get thsi back to the top. There is so many posting that things don't remain up very long.<BR>Thanks for all your imput.

RWD, <BR>She doesmnot understand that it was doomed to failure because it is all based on a lie. Anything based on a lie never works out in the long run. Only the truth works for the long run. Hang in there.<P>Her logic is much more screwy than the logic she used to start the affair in the first place.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

W stopped in to take our daughter to counseling today and came and appologized saying it was not my fault that the affair ended. She said he never really did care for her.<BR>Now I am really confused?<BR> Now what ?

Hi RWD -<P>Just breezing in for a minute - will respond better later.....<P>Wanted to tell you to try not to swing with her emotions.....<P>Who knows why she said it!! Could be that she realized it was ludicrous or could be she doesn't want you doing anything with lawyers about the money, etc.<P>Just try to stay on an even keel - it's hard.....I know - I've got a whack-a-doodle remember!!!!!<P>Hang in there and I'll be back on tonight.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

hi rwd, i am not at all surprised by her reaction. You are the dog in her eyes right now. I played that role too for a short while. There really was not a lot to say to h when he said it was all my fault! I sure was not going to argue or try to convince him-it was too off the wall for me! So, that was one instance when I told him that we would have to agree to disagree if we expected to talk much. It did go away....and he did apologize profusely. <BR>I sure feel for you rwd, not a pretty place to be. (((hugs)))

RWD<P>It is amazing what you are going through. I will never forget my wife's uncontrolled rage at me for tracing one cell phone call and driving past the OM's house to find out she was there. "How dare you snoop around? And who did you tell? How did you know?" She was furious. At the time I felt kind of bad, but then it was like, "Wait a minute. You're cheating, lying, and sneaking around - and mad at me about it?!?!?"<P>There is a level of insanity in infidelity that is something to behold. I agree with many of the posts. Wait, be kind, be firm, search your own heart. If you are a Christian, you have grounds for divorce, but no obligation to divorce. So if you do not feel released from this marriage, hang in there till you are. I am in a very similar place. It is excruciating. Read a lot of C.S. Lewis. Not about marriage, but good stuff. Blessings.

Just hang in there and don't try to reason with her. It's coming apart, as affairs generally do. <P>My H has managed to make me responsible for every thing that has ever gone wrong in his life. Frankly, he wasn't the happiest guy when I met him, although he put on a good show. He had blown a year of school and gotten shingles from the stress the year before we met. But he would like to believe that I'm at fault for everything he doesn't like about himself. It's mindboggling how much control he thinks I have over his life.

RWD,<P>If I were you, I would sit back and watch the fireworks for a while. Just keep going down the same road legally, although there is no need to rush. She is going to need a while to cool down before she starts thinking strait and sees things for what they are. You can't expect any better from her until she sorts herself out.<P>If you rush in too early, she won't have to look at what she has done.

Hey, RWD. I see you live in a glass house. Drove your wife away, didja? I'd rather be gullible.

Hi RWD -<P>Came to check on you....How ya doin'?<P>Any new developments or thoughts?<P>Sorry I didn't get back here the other night....kinda going through some times with my emotions and thoughts.<P>I'm feeling a little better now though and can maybe stop being awnry.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba