I promise everyone. Once I get everything sorted out, I will have something to contribute instead of asking endless questions. <P>I need some advice. After I found out that my husband has been cheating on me and is leaving me (he's still undecided and cool to me, but I'm pretty sure), I can't stop trying to catch him. I've gotten into his car to read credit card slips and found letters/pictures from his lover. I've gone into the room where he's staying and found pictures. Called his cell voice mail and retrieved messages and gotten into his "secret" post box to get his secret bills/letters. While I know that this is my poor attempt at controlling what can't be controlled, but I'm afraid I'm turning into the woman from Fatal Attraction. All I can think of is that he is leaving me with all the bills and responsibilities and no love, while he is moving right into a loving relationship, free of responsibility. Even though it absolutely kills me to read his letters to his lover and from her, I can't seem to stop...Advice please!

Hi. Know you are not turning it to the woman from Fatal Attraction. I hope you are normal because I did the same thing you are doing. In fact when he left I went through his clothes before he came back to get them found a note and took his journal. I have them hidden and yes I read it but I did that while he still was living at home, that is how I found out what was going on with him. I only stopped when he moved out. I hunted even through the trash I found the receipt for her abortion. I know it hurts believe me it hurts. Everytime I found and read something I would swear I wouldn't do it again. Then I would start wondering and I started again. I really have no advice but I wanted you to know you weren't alone in your snooping.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

thanks, but if I start talking about rabbits and knives, you have my permission to call 911

Hi Kate 31<P>I did exactly the same that you are doing, and also could not stop even though the affair is over and H is home with us I still occasionally go through his things, I tell myself it is just to reassure myself that the same thing is not going on again, but I know that that might not be the truth, it does hurt when you find things out that should not be happening, and to a normal person (hapily married or single like most of my friends) it is hard to understand why you would want to hurt yourself like this but you just can't stop I know that feeling all to well, I have no advise but just wanted you to know I suffer from the same complaint as you.<P>Jenny<BR>South Africa<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Hi Kate....I have snooped and told my therapist at individual counseling about it. She told me that sometimes you just have to do that...to insure that if your spouse says that affair has ended....that it truly indeed has ended.<P>Although it has been a rocky road, we are in 6 months of recovery. I will never trust my H in the same way as I did prior to the affair (blind trust, that is)...but I have slowly grown to trust him again.<P>I no longer find evidence of the affair and gradually stopped snooping on him.<P>I don't know if others will agree with me, but I think that your reaction and behavior is normal.

I think it's normal too. You'd have to be superhuman to resist the urge when you KNOW something is going on and can't prove it -- and also KNOW that if you just look a little harder, you'll find something.<P>The proverbial vicious circle, and I did it for 8 months straight. Became a nervous wreck too! I've slimmed it down to about once a week now, when I can't resist the urge to go check his little friend's homepage to see if there are references to him.<P>What I need is a week on a desert island with no internet connection!

Morning, Kate: If snooping makes you certifiable, then I guess most of us here are in the same category. Just by reading your post, I would assume you never really suspected your H of cheating, until after the fact? I was in the same boat. My H never admitted his affair to me, so there were a lot of questions that I needed answers to, and if he wouldn't give them to me, then I had to find them for myself. I took his truck keys, and found his bank boo/store receipts/ATM receipts, etc. In one month alone, he had withdrawn over $900 from his account. Coincidentally, that was the month my H was repairing my sister's car, and I had just assumed that she had purchased the parts herself. I have since learned, never to assume anything!! On the Easter weekend of '98, we went to my son and DIL's hme, and they were kind enough to invite my sister as well. They even made her up an Easter basket, as she was having difficulty dealing with her divorce. On the day before Easter, my H and I went out, and he bought me a case of Corona (for S and I to share) and when I found his ATM receipts, I discovered he had gone to bank near my son's house, and withdrew $100.00 Easter morning. Myself/son/grandchildren didn't see the money, so I assume that sister did! When sister would arrive at our home every Friday, distitute, with "just enough gas to get home" I could never understand how she could afford to go on a shopping binge to the mall on Saturday for new clothes/hair products/lingerie/sheets for her bed (all of which she couldn't wait to show me) Guess I figured that one out!! Did the truth hurt me? Damned right it did. BUT, I needed to know what that truth was, and if H was not going to tell me, then I had to find it out for myself. I have discontinued my snooping now, mainly because H has not given me a reason to distrust him, but, if I suspect him of anything, I wouldn't hesitate for one second to "help myself" to anything from his truck to find out what is going on. What is it they say? Once bitten, twice shy!!!<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

I snooped, too...although I discovered the affair by stumbling accross receipts. Anyway I searched the house, garage, cars, computer...everything.<P>Once I started searching my H's shirt pocket, but he was still in it. That was a little embarrassing.<P>Although I did not conduct my searches in front of him, he knew I did it. <P>I'm just able to curb the impulse now, 8 months later, but if I see a scrape of paper with his writing...I'm there.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Don't feel bad, I think everybody in our situation has done it. I got up in the middle of the night and went thru w's purse finding cards, phone numbers and the ring he got her.<BR>I listened to her late night phone calls to him and then wondered about what he was saying and promising.<BR>I was trying to find out how to tape the phoen calls. !<BR>ABout the only thing i didn't so was follow her, although I hid outside her work one night after I knew she and om were meeting so I could see who he was and if he say her off to work.<BR>I don't know if it helps or not, but it did for me. Just don't get caught as it is a major love buster.

Faith Hope and Love:<P>Oh dear that was a good chuckle this early in the am...."checking his pocket with him still in it"...doesn't give them a minute to destroy evidence does it? I have checked things too and told him and will continue to do so until I FEEL THAT IT ISN'T NECESSARY ANYMORE!

Hi Kate<P>To hell with feelings when it come to snooping. Being a cheater also means being a liar. People who are being betrayed feel like they are going crazy. Your brain and morals get ripped in two. One half your instincts are telling you theres something wrong and your other half (influnced by cheating spouse) is telling you that everything is fine and stop acting this way. Living with two halves makes ya crazy. By snooping you are getting rid of one of the two halves so you can live a normal life.<P>When to stop snooping? always depends on the individual person. I stopped 2 months after discovery which is also when I felt comfortable that the affair has ended and that I was trying my hardest to meet my W needs. Beyond that is just a waste of resources.<P>Never stop snooping when your personal life is effected by a cheating spouse, ie; your money is being sucked out due to affair, or your health (STD's) is in question. As long as they are cheating they gave up thier rights to privacy. If the cheating spouse has left the relationship ie; moved out then I wouldn't bother snooping.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on my feet than live on my knees"

Ok, this is just too weird. This is my first post and I couldn't believe it when I read this thread. I was having my own guilty feelingsthis morning. I went through my H's wallet for the first time in our married life last night. I feel such overwhelming feeling of guilt. I also found a phone card that I am so worried he bought to call the other woman. So what did I do. I took it. Now I feel like I should have left it there.<P>Then I am torn. I feel like I should tell him because I want to be doing the honesty thing with him, but a previous post said that would be love busting if he found out. I am just having such a hard time it has only been a week and half since I *caught* him. I know he is getting angry that I am so scared all the time. He keeps say that he promised he wouldn't call her. He was just acting weird last night that is why I checked his wallet. I don't know if it was because he had worked so many hours or if he was up to something and hiding it.<P>Now I don't know what to do about the phone card I found...put it back or wait and see if he asks. I am so confused!<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and if I shed a tear I won't cage it<BR>I won't fear love<BR>and if I feel a rage I won't deny it<BR>I won't fear love<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"<BR>Sarah Mclachlan<P>

I snooped so much, that it became a habit also. Almost an addiction! <P>It got so bad, that like FHL, I started doing it IN FRONT OF HIM!!!! I'd hop in his truck when we were going somewhere, and I'd start picking up trash out of the passenger side, and go through that!!! <P>One time he asked me what the heck I was doing! It had gotten so bad that my 6 year old would instruct me when I got in the truck to leave Dad's stuff alone!<P>FHL - I understnad completely.<P>I guess what I've learned, is once you have decided he has had an affair, then it is time to stop snooping and start working on the relationship. In my case, I'm sure the affair is over - and I'm not likely to find any evidence anyhow. But, that doesn't mean that I still trust him. I have to pretty much triple check everything he tells me - in a coy way, so I don't get caught snooping.<P>

JadedHeart:<P>I did the same thing a few weeks back while my husband was mowing the yard. I found the phone card and hid it. I wasn't going to say anthing to him about it and just wait to see if he said anything about it missing (which I knew he wouldn't). I am bad about keeping secrets and finally asked him about it. He said he bought it to call me from convention he went on (after the affair was discovered)and that I was the only person he had called. Well, told him that I could check (and you can)and that after I USED THE REST OF THE MINUTES..I would check and WILL!<BR>It will cost me the same amount that the card cost, but what the heck...I dont work and will use his money.

I hate phone cards. She have him his first. I found receipts for two his/hers? in an empty coffee can in the garage and then a phone card he apparently forgot to leave at work...then two months after I thought there was not contact, a phone card in a little zipper pocket in his coat I searched when he was napping.<P>I checked that one out and he had bought it several weeks after I took active one, so there were probibly others I didn't find.<P>I had not problem with snooping. We are married. My life is an open book to my spouse...as his should be to me. <P>I have to add one search turned about cologne wedged under the seat in the car...his Christmas gift. After I confronted him about it and he said it was only cologne and why should it go to waste...this was after it was over...I said wrong and disposed of it in the doggy do-do bag. Appropriate because the whole mess is a bunch of *#!* anyway!

I have to agree with all of you. A year after discovery, if I feel anxious, I still go on "search and destroy" missions when my H is not home.<P>In fact, this past Sunday my husband told me he was going to be at a certain place all afternoon (job related). I couldn't help myself! I just had to drive by to make sure his car was there. (It was, thank goodness) I told him about it that evening and we were able to laugh. He said he understood why I would do that after all the extremely sneaky things he did last year during the affair.<P>If this is the worst we do, I think we are OK!<BR>

I agree that snooping is normal, but what I found was what drove me crazy. I had transcripts of ICQ chats and over 600 emails between H and OW. For 2 months, I drove myself crazy reading them over and over. I still have lots of it memorized....But I finally realized that I had to get rid of it. My H stayed with me and I had to stop dwelling on the past. Burning that stuff was the hardest thing I have ever done, besides getting through the first week after discovery. Don't hold on to those things...get rid of them

Man, I'm glad to know I'm not a psycho. I discovered my H's affair (only by suspicion only at the time) by his cell phone bills. He was dumb enough to call her on his cell phone and run up $500 cell phone bills a month. I would be obcessed sitting down color-coding pink would be calls to me - yellow would be calls to her and I would actually add up the minutes that he talked to her and would just be sick at my stomach and would do it over and over. All the while he maintained they were just friends- "she's keeping our child for heaven's sake!" Oh the bull %^*& I've listened to and tried to make myself believe when my gut told me different. I have searched also in the trash (in the back of his truck) and found a Wendy's bag with a receipt for food for two (2) people and it was when I didn't go to lunch with him; I have followed him; I have called *69 from my office phone and discovered him at a hotel and left like a maniac going over there . . . it is just endless. I'm still doing it - not to that extreme - but still doing it. Because I can't believe him. Each time we make an agreement - he breaks it - I find out that he's lied (again) and it puts me back to ground zero.<P>Starr Dazz: You mentioned you could find out who the calls were made to on a phone card. I tried a few months back and couldn't. Do you know some way to do that - I have 2 phone cards that my H had and I confiscated them and he says he "found" them laying at a phone booth. Yeah, I was born yesterday.<P>------------------<BR>

Just had to add a few things here. <BR>Jadedheart: If I were you, I would run to the nearest phone booth, stick in the card, and see how many minutes are left on it. Then I would replace it in his wallet as fast as possible. Keep track of the calls he has made to you where he would have had to use a payphone. Then, next week, I'd snag the card again, and do it all over again. If you want to know for sure, that's the way to do it.<P>Dear trustntruth: So, you do the garbage thing as well, do you? Hmmm...Have you ever taken his used coffee cup from the cup holder, taken off the lid, and stuck your finger into the cold remains, to see if there was sugar added? (H takes sugar, OW doesn't) I did that in front of him, and he pretended not to notice it. <P>What we are doing/did sounds so extreme, but if the truth was made available to us, we would not have to snoop to try and find it. My H went away a few weeks ago, for 15 days, and I didn't have a problem with it. Only after I went through the garbage bag containing the remains of his "truck cleaning." The only thing that showed up, was a receipt from a drug store, for aspirin and a large bottle of mouthwash. Well, he's back, with the aspirin, but, minus the mouthwash. I am assuming that it is in the truck, behind the seat. If so, why? Last night I had the greatest urge to retrieve his truck keys, and have a look, but, thought better of it, and also, 'cause it was just too cold outside. I don't think it hurts in the least to do some snooping, if something doesn't seem quite right. It's either going to put your mind at ease, or keep you on your toes. Hey, is anyone aware of the lucrative business we could have if we all started a P.I. service? In the past year, I have learned more in the "art of snooping" than I could ever have imagined!<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Kate, now you know snooping is done by everyone.<BR>After discovery I was obsessed with snooping, it was the only way I found out how much I was being lied to. Even now I find myself making a mental note when they are together. Now snooping is not necessary. The other night she returned with her underwear hanging out of her purse, another clue, I just politely asked her to be a little more sensitive if she really didn't want to hurt me.<P>Back to your situation, it is not clear what you are trying to discover. Is he still denying anything is going on? What do you really think? What would you do if you found out something is going on? you do know something happened, has anything changed to indicate it has stopped?