Just a quick rundown of my story.......<P>My H and I have been together a total of 14 years and I always thought what we had was indestructable. Up until I found out he was having an affair, I thought we were happy. <P>We had a heck of a time having a family. Our whole marriage was consumed by pregnancy and miscarriages, the last one in May / 99. Out of all the mess, we have 2 healthy, beautiful boys. The oldest is 6 years and the youngest is 9 months.<P>Now to the fun stuff. My H started an affair with my brother's wife when my youngest was about a month old, (Feb. / 99). They have both torn the whole family apart. My brother left when I told him and my H left after he told me. He returned once, in May and has since left again. He says she has been his best friend for a long time and she makes him feel young, alive, happy and she looks at him with want in her eyes. Now this woman was my maid-of-honor, is Godmother of my boys not to mention she is thier aunt. I should mention that my brother and her have 2 girls as well. The kids are blood related even if they are just in-laws. Anyway, they say that this is meant to be and it's destiny. My H says he is infatuated with her.<P>Since he has left I have said and done all the wrong things, even to the point of beating the crap out of him and her. I have called him all the names I could think of and her. It's to the point now where he won't even talk to me because he says I'm mean, bitter and angry....DUH!!! Wonder why? He says he wanted to be civil and be friends. How the heck am I supposed to do that?<P>Now we're down to the nitty gritty. He has contacted a lawyer today. He says he's not ashamed of what he has done because I have made him miserable for so long. He also says he will only keep the boys out his sick affair for only 3 months as there is nothing wrong with what he his doing. He has also claimed that I am a psychopath because I beat him up. <P>His whole family wants nothing to do with the OW and has expressed to him that she is not welcome in thier homes. His mother has told him that she will never accept her. The OW has always hated my kids and now tells H she misses them. She also tells him everything he wants to hear and pushes all the right buttons. She has been pursuing him for along time and he won't even acknowledge that now.<P>My oldest boy is broken hearted and mad at the world and my H doesn't even care. He gets teased at school that he is his own cousin and I tell my H this and he says that I'm responsible for everything. He has even started to go to councelling with this tramp....what gives? He wasn't willing to do it with us, his family.<P>Somebody tell me something.... I feel like my head is in a vacuum!!! Any advice?<P>Thanks,<BR>Deb

Hey Guys......<P>I need some advice, please! Don't know where to go from here!!<P>Thanks,<BR>Deb

Deb....I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. What a horrible mess that your H & OW created!<P>I don't have much advice to give. Perhaps others can jump in here....<P>What I can suggest is just keep showing your sons lots of love and let them know that despite all of this, they will survive this trauma. Is it possible that your Sons go to therapy? I'm sure it will help.<P>You also need to go into protection-mode. Have you seen an attorney yet? If you haven't, maybe now is the time, since your H has already begun on his end.<P>Also, take care of yourself. Do things that make you feel good. Buy something nice for yourself, even if it is a small item. Take a bubble bath...go out to dinner with a friend....go to a movie, etc.<P>Stay strong for you & your boys....I know you can do it!

Deb,<P>Although there is no excuse for your husband's affair, there's also no excuse for your behavior. It's likely that part of the reason that your husband had an affair was because you were either lovebusting or not meeting his needs.<P>You've responded to this affair by doing all the wrong things. And now your husband wants a divorce. There's no surprise in that.<P>What advice are you looking for? If you want to try to recover the marriage, you've got a lot of damage to undo---and I'm afraid that you're going to have to carry the ball on this one. I'd suggest that you start some serious counseling to learn "MarriageBuilder" skills (preferrably with Steve Harley here). I'd let him know that you don't want the divorce, and then I'd start ACTING like you actually love him, as opposed to him being your worse enemy.<P>You're going to need these anger management skills, regardless of how your marriage is going to end up. You've got to deal with this for your own sake, as well as the sake of your children. If this situation continues to take a toll on your children (for longer than 6-12 months), I'd suggest you move to a new location. Your primary focus should be on the kids at this point.<P>Good luck---I am very sympathetic to your position. But I really do think you need some counseling to deal with your anger and abusive behaviors.

Hi Deb, I was wondering where you went off to. I haven't seen any of your posts in a while.<P>I'm afraid I'll have to agree with K on this, in that you have done some serious love-busting in the past, and currently too. I remember we were talking about this before. I know it's very very hard to do. But remember this - every single love-buster that you do just drives him closer to the OW. That is true.<P>You should be looking into Plan B most likely. Since the idea of your husband with the OW so enrages and hurts you, you should have no contact with him. Of course with the kids and everything, you need to work out visitations and stuff, but maybe you can do that through a third party. Or if you do deal with him, keep strictly to the subject. And above all, no more love-busting!<P>I agree with K that you might need some councelling to deal with your anger. You need to start dealing with yourself, improving yourself, helping yourself, making yourself feel better. If you do that, I believe it will be easier not to love-bust.<P>good luck and keep us updated!<BR>--andy

Deb1<BR>well now DEb, you are married to one sick son of a b----. anyway, first, get on your knees and pray to God for help, then call yuor husbands boss and tell him you have a family emergency and need to talk with him, then go do it. then call his pastor if he has one and do the same, then call his parents if able and tell them about the situation. what you have done by doing this is get a lot of anger out of your system so you can think a little more clearly. You husband is addicted to this woman who is filling his emotional and sexual needs. call her and tell her you have a terrible infection that you are going to the dr. for and until you know what it is, she should not have sex with him for her own safety. <BR>talk to you kids and pray with themand get theminto therapy of some kind as well as yourself. it sounds like your family has jumped on your bandwagon so they will be a great deal of help to you too. ill pray for you.

Hi Deb,<P>I am sorry for what has happened to you and understand why you would be angry. <P>However, simply because your husband and sister-in-law have chosen to do something so thoughtless and hurtfull does not mean you can not conduct yourself with dignity and a remnant of pride. Do not get down to their level.. <P>Someone must show some control here and have concern for the children. I cringe to think of what they may be seeing and feeling. I hope you are protecting them from ugly yelling, screaming and destructive comments about their dad. He is after all their father in spite of the wrong thing he is doing. <P>Can you get your wits about you and start to do the right things? Can you go to councelling? Can you do things that make your boys lives pleasant and cheerful? This situation will play itself out but I don't think you are making it much better. I don't know how you can restore your husbands love for you this way. I do know that you can punish everybody and everyone in your path. That may make you feel better but I think it is making your situation worse. <P>I would temporarily have nothing to do with your husband or sister-in-law at the moment. Communicate through the lawyer if you have to. Take a break to get your anger under control and to help you children stabilize.

Deb1<BR>I can understand your pain. All of us have gone thur what your are, with the onlt difference with the OP being a relative.<BR>Your h is acting the same way all our spouses have and are so you are not unique from that standpoint.<BR>Others are right about the lovebusters. You have to eliminate them, that just proves to your h that he is right in what he is doing.<BR>The fact that you have your family's support is a plus. Whenever you are mad at your H, call them especially any counselor/minister you might have or vent here, not on H.<BR>My w wasn't ashamed about her affair and was trying to get everyone to accept om. I think the pressure finally got to him when our kids got into the pressure and he realized that he was going to have to be around them on a regular basis.<BR>Eventually, your h will miss his kids and OP will resent them and he will start to resnt her kids. You may want to plant the seed about him raising her kids but not his!<BR>It just takes time and prayers, there is nothing you can do but change yourself and wait for the truth to sink in for your h.

As always, you guys are right and quite helpfull. I know my anger has been bad and believe me, I haven't exposed my kids to it....thank heavens!!<P>I will pray and do what ever I have to to improve myself!! I am in councelling and so far it has not been much comfort, but I'm sure it will be. <P>How do I mend things between us now after so much has gone on....I'm at a loss!!!?<P>Thanks, <BR>Deb

Deb,<P>Before you think about mending your relationship with your husband, I think you should think about yourself. I know you know about the Plan B stuff right? If I were you, I'd think about doing that. Then concentrate all your energy on improving yourself! Start practicing the marriage-builders habits, etc.<P>I think if you do that, then everything else will fall into place. And even if you cannot mend your relationship with your husband, you'll be a better person.<P>--andy

Thanks Andy,<P>Once agian, you're right. <P>Yesterday I was kinda panicked, but today I'm doing fine and I've realized that I deserve better than this. I will be friends with him for my kids sake, but I just can't handle the pain and the worthless feelings he has given me. <P>I know I will mend. I feel it already. I have gotten through my anger phase now and I even called him last night and appoligized for my behavior and I actually meant it. Tonight, he called and I even chatted politely with him. I am making progress by leaps and bounds. I have made it up in my mind that I'm moving on and leaving him behind. My kids are first with me and always will be. <P>I don't really know if I could handle living with him again because I find what he has done very distasteful. I don't think that I could really forgive him because he has been down right cruel.<P>I just hope that my future brings happiness and healing and, maybe one day, a decent man to be a part of my life. For now, I'm not looking and I won't be for a while, I just want to enjoy my kids and provide a stable home for them!!<P>Thanks again Andy!!<BR>Post again, I'd like to know how you're doing!<P>Deb

Hi Deb,<P>Wow, you sound so much better than yesterday! That's great! Sounds like you have the right attitude. It's good that you were able to actually have a pleasant conversation with your husband. Remember that, and keep it up. Fighting and anger only hurts the situation as you well know. This new attitude of yours will be the best thing for you and your kids! <P>Since I started my new job, I haven't had a whole lot of time to post, but I've been thinking of posting some sort of update pretty soon. Look out for it...<P>--andy<BR>