My story is probably the most unbelievable story you will ever hear. Its the most pathetic behavior I've ever exhibited. My family has been hurt beyond all belief, and I feel like the biggest failure ever. I initially contimplated suicide. I want honesty from people, and I want advice more than ridicule. I of all people know how wrong I am. I know how pathetic I am, but I dont<BR>know how to repair my life. About 12 months ago, my wife and I started having troubles. After a vacation to visit my family out of town(which she refused to come along) our fighting and troubles escalated. While I was<BR>out of town, she was hitting the clubs. I brought our 2 year old with me. Anyway some time had passed and she eventually asked me to move out. I did. It crushed my world, and she knew it. After some time... we decided to get back together and try marraige counseling. Marraige counseling turned in to a psychoanalysis of me and issues that I needed to work on. Throughout the whole sessions she hardly spoke a word. Looking back now, she admits that she didnt take the counseling serious. To make a long story short, things were no better, and we were both miserable. One night I went out with my sister who lives out of town. I drank too much. I received some attention from a girl at the bar, and I made the biggest<BR>mistake of my life. I cheated on my wife. I didnt have a condom either, so I only had sex for a minute before I realized how insane I was behaving. I honestly went home that night and sat in the driveway crying because up<BR>untill that night, the only person I'd ever slept with was my wife. As time passed I didnt mention anything about what I had done. The more time that had passed the more guilt I had felt. Untill finally I broke down. I made my self sick. This is the honest truth. I missed a week of work, and couldnt even walk. I had a nervous breakdown. I began to think that I had caught a disease. I contacted a relative of the girl, and asked how I could reach her. When I spoke to the relative he mentioned that she (the girl) was having surgery that week. This escalated my concerns. I had an HIV test done. The results would not be in for two weeks. I couldnt wait that long so I called and asked if everything was o-kay. I told her I did not feel well. She said that she had been sick but with strep throught. I was really scared because a sore thought is a symptom of HIV. I asked her if she'd ever been tested? She said no, but she would. Two days later, her boyfriend called me and said he needed to talk to me because she had gotten her results back and the results were serious. I immediatley freaked out. I didnt want to see the guy, I thought she'd given me HIV. I almost passed out. I called my wife, and told her everything. I really thought I had HIV. 4 days later, I got my results... NEGATIVE. That was the longest most dramatic 4 days of my life. My wife stood by me. She was hurt, but she agreed to stand by me. I didnt deserve her. I've since re-tested and have come to find out that I was the brunt of a bad situation. Six months later, my marriage is falling apart. I know what I did was wrong. I know how pathetic I've behaved.<BR>BUT... Above all else, I love my wife and son more than anything. Im deeply sorry for what I've done to my family. I try to block out my<BR>experiences with this situation, because its much to hard to deal with. Im not a coward, I just struggle with the enormosity of my situation. My wife is sick at the sight of me, and I dont know if there is anything I can do. I could easily give up on everybody and myself. But I dont want to. I want to<BR>know what to do to repair my situation. I want to fix my life, and move on.Im actaully a very loving, caring person. I have the deepest respect for my wife for staying with me. But I need to know what to do to keep her. She has stuck with me up untill now, but she has tried (successfully) to make me miserable, and to not allow me to forget what I'd done. I know this whole story may sicken some people. Its wrong what I have done, but the bottom line is... I really am a good person, I just made a HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake. Should I give up and let my wife walk away from me? Is it wrong for me to want to fix things? She admits that she loves me, but I<BR>know I have created circumstances which has broken down our relationship. Please give advice, and be honest. Again, if your only<BR>purpose is to ridicule me, please save it... I know how pathetic my behavior was, I just want to repair my life.

Hi Path<P>Well sorry you had to be here and welcome to the board. You are not in a hopeless situation and never give up. Read as much as possible here and you will understand what you need to do to help rebuild your marriage.<P>Some suggestions first... Control your behaviour and this includes everything from being too needy on your W (like a puppy dog) to being to distant to your W and family needs. There are alot of books to help you better understand your W and your needs in a marriage.<P>Never give up. You have a W who says she loves you, thats a good start. You also have a child who needs you and your W. You will need to be strong and take your lumps. Your W will want to say alot of nasty things and just listen to her feelings, become her best friend in this matter so that she will tell you everything. DO NOT LOVEBUST, just listen and try to understand her. Once you build a "friend" relationship and hear everything thats on her mind then you can start to tell her your side as one friend to another. It is important to build this friendship first. <P>Tips on building a friendship.. do not be needy or demanding of her time. Start a routine around the house so that you dont start following her around for acceptence (like a puppy dog). Help W out with whatever she needs help with, ie; take out the garbage, dishes, laundry, child care, shopping, cooking, everything. Just do it before W has a chance to ask for help.<P>Friendly contact, NO SEX, stop thinking about SEX as a way to get acceptance from your W. Back rubs, foot rubs, comb her hair and dont do this in hope of getting sex, do it to be close with her.<P>Flowers, notes and little trinkets are a fun way to show you are thinking of her.<P>Be patient, careing and loving. You need to show strength and have a aura of self confidence around your W so she can see you the way she saw you when you two first met.<P>Never lose sight of the long term goal. You have one life to live, you are raising a child and your are loving a W and keeping a family. Things may seem to get worse before they get better, do not give up, do not lose control, stay focused of what you want and you will get it.<P>Take Care

Pathetic---the psychoanalysis obviously didn't help you with your self-esteem issues, did it?? <P>Seriously, your story doesn't even crack a top 10 in "pathetic". Both you and your wife have made mistakes and bad choices in your marriage, and it appears that you both realize this.<P>I'm a big fan of the MarriageBuilder's phone counseling. This is done through Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's son): it's been very effective for me and others. Steve is a "behavioralist"---if you find the principles of MarriageBuilders comfortable (protect your spouse from lovebusters, meet their emotional needs, be honest), Steve is a great coach to teach you these behaviors. I'd suggest that you call (888-639-1639) and set up an appointment. This will be your fastest and best way to fixing your marriage.<P>If you want to try this yourself (and I don't recommend it), I'd suggest that you order several of Harley's books---Give and Take, Lovebusters for starters. You need to first concentrate in eliminating lovebusters for your wife: you have to learn what these are (dishonesty, angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits), you need to have your wife identify which of these cause her the most pain (and how), and you have to make a plan with your wife to eliminate them (and to hold you accountable). With the current state of your marriage, this is going to be tough. That's why I suggest Steve.<P>After you eliminate the lovebusters and establish a consistant track record of new, loving, respectful behavior (plan on 3-4 months at least), you need to start the same process with identifying and meeting your wife's important emotional needs, in a way that she wants them to be met.<P>To identify needs and lovebusters, Dr. Harley has placed the emotional needs questionnaire and the lovebusters questionnaire on this website. But again, before you start this process, you need to have a clear understanding of the underlying principles involved. That's best done by reading Give and Take, Lovebusters, and His Needs/Her Needs (all available from the Bookstore section of this website).<P>

First...breathe....<P>Hang on... there are people here who will give you valuable advice. You are not pathetic, you are human and made a terrible mistake.<P>The best thing you have going for you is that your wife loves you. When love still exists there is still hope. I can't offer much because my experience is different, but there are people here to help you. Wait and you will see their replies!<P>------------------<BR>Joan

I can see that everyone is mentioning my low self esteem, low self confidence, and Im aware of this. Honestly I was never like this in the past, its something I've acquired in the past few months. The worse things have gotten, the worse I feel about myself. I tend to look at everything I do, and view it under a microscope, I've questioned, "What type of a person am I... to have done such a terrible thing." <P>Anyway... my point is, with so much negativity in my life... its hard to be upbeat and confident. In order to exhibit positive, confident behavior... I must first be positive & confident. Its a "catch 22". <P>I do appreciate the advice, but my family is my life, and loosing my family makes me feel like a failure. I do need to work on some issues, and this is probably on the top of my list. Its just hard.<BR>Thanks

<BR>Whew! It sounds like you and your family have been through a year of he#l! But don't give up hope yet. As K said, you have a long way to go before you top some of the stories that have been told here! <P>It sounds like some sort of counseling is going to be a must for y'all. Since there were big problems before the infidelity, it will take some time to sort things out - that is, if both of you are willing to sort things out. Forget about the counselor you worked with before. Some of them are so bad! The first one we saw (before my H had an affair) told him that he had to make himself happy and if that included sleeping with another woman, so be it! What a loser she was! We are now seeing someone who is interested in putting our lives back together. We see her separately to work on our own issues and together to get to the practical heart of our marital problems. <P>Your wife needs time alone with a therapist to express feelings that she may not be able to express in front of you right now and you need the same. A good therapist can also give a nonbiased viewpoint and practical suggestions to work on with each other. <P>You may also need some antidepressant or antianxiety medication to help you over this immediate situation.<P>Just don't give up hope! As horrible and life-changing as this whole infidelity thing is, you and your wife can rebuild your marriage. You have a great incentive, too, because of your children. Roll up your sleeves and get ready for the hardest work of your life. There will be ups and downs, but if both of you start communicating, it can be done.<P>Good Luck, pathetic (and think about changing that username, ok?) <BR>

You know, sometimes therapists can learn from us too.<P>I made very clear very early on with my therapist that I was NOT interested in divorcing my H; and that we had to work from that...and she respected that decision. She doesn't have an internet connection, so I couldn't direct her here, but I've talked to her a bit about the principles and she's cool with them.<P>10 years ago, when my H was suicidally depressed, and I was ALSO not interested in divorce, I went to my friend's therapist, and she told me to leave him.<P>This is NOT a therapist's job. A therapist is not there to tell you what to do, he/she is there to help you make the right decisions for YOUR life, unfettered by your emotional baggage.

<BR>Pat, (I like that name better) I couldn't stop thinking about your situation today. I talked to my husband at lunch, and told him about your letter and what I had written back to you. He said that I had left out an important point.<BR> <BR>Right now, you probably would like to just fix everything back up to the way it was because that would be the most comfortable. That was the mistake we made after our first bad counseling experience. It was so much easier to just let things go back to "normal", but it left the real issues simmering under the surface and led to him having an affair. He said that it's important to realize that now you have to take your marriage apart, sort out the good parts, cut out the bad parts, fix the broken parts and put it all back together into a new and stronger form.<P>Clearly both of you have been unhappy for a while with the marriage you had. Use this as an opportunity to now create the marriage you both want, using the MB principles or whatever form of counseling works for you. We are still working on it, but what is emerging is a LOT better than what we had before his affair.<P>Sorry to blather on, I just wanted to make that point.<BR>

I don't feel comfortable calling anyone pathetic, so I'll go with Path,<P>As K stated, your story is far from bizzare and unfortuately all too common. We all make mistakes. Understand that your wife is justifiably angry at what you have done. The good news is that you and your wife can BOTH heal from this mess. The bad news is that it's not going to happen over night. <P>To give your self a little booster in the self confidence arena, take heart that you have recognized your error and are willing to make things right. You wouldn't believe how many people never get to that point. <P>Now is the time to pick yourself up, throw your old behavior in the dumper and work on a new you. You need a plan to recover. <P>You can get there with lots and lots of reading. K mentioned some books, starrt with those. There are many many others that will help too. The first order of business is to stop beating the poop out of your self for making a mistake. It's over, forgive yourself and show your wife real change ovr a long period of time. That's when she will be willing to forgive you.<P>You can make it - but it's going to be a long tough road. Are you willing to make the change for yourself and your wife? I hope so. We are here to help.<P>SHA

Pat (I don't like Pathetic either),<BR>You are sooooo not pathetic! I am a wife who betrayed, and felt much like you. I'm waiting to take that last gawd-awful medical test (next month) but had every other STD test known because I also felt sick and scared and I physically hurt. It is very, very scary, I know. Add to that the emotional pain of knowing you did something terribly wrong that could have put your entire family in jeopardy, and you've got a mixture for attempted suicide and/or a nervous breakdown. I never wanted to kill myself, but I sure wanted someone else to kill me - a plane falling from the sky on top of my head seemed appropriate! I had what amounted to a nervous breakdown (at least it felt like it) and the doctor prescribed anti-depresants to get through it. <P>My H and I also went to a therapist who's only goal seemed to be to psychoanalize my H and be on "my side". It turned into a big mess all the way around. <P>Please, please find a way to forgive yourself. I don't know if you're a spiritual man, but if so - PRAY. It works miracles! It's going to take time, but you are worth it. Finally, give your W the time she needs to heal also. <P>Most important, you are NOT pathetic. You are human and you made a mistake. If only we could forgive ourselves as easily as we forgive others. I have spent many hours on this board saying just the kinds of things you have. I hated myself, I hated my life, and I took responsibility for my problems. Although I chose a REALLY poor way to cry out, that is what I was doing. I did that because there were problems in the marriage that went back YEARS. I suspect it is the same with you. Rarely do we hear of someone having an affair "just because"... rememeber that. You WERE HUMAN AND MADE A MISTAKE. It hurts, but you will survive it. I have to tell myself this all the time. I understand.<P>Best wishes to you and your W as you continue forward in your marriage!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Hi Path, My wife & I have gone through, what others have said, our marriage would be gone. My wife left with my "best friend" for 4 months. While we were separated, my wife got pregnant. I would say that's a formula for disaster, wouldn't you?<P>My wife looked me right in the eyes and said that she would NEVER come back to me. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with this other guy! <P>We were both Christian's and loved each other. My problem was, I was too busy with work and even church responsibilities. Our story is an absolute miricle, a real testimony of what God can do in a situation. If you or anyone else is interested in reading about it, send me an email and I'll send it to you. mford1@home.com<P>A word about listening to your wife. I learned that you HAVE to listen to your wife, even if it hurts. At least then, you know where your "starting line" is.<P>May God Bless you as he did me!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mark Ford <+><<BR>