Hi guys,<BR>Just returned from a camping trip to the High Sierra alone. Could not of asked for better ( actually a warmer sleeping bag would have been nice )<P>So to my point and question... The W keeps saying she sees the only thing to do is get a Divorce. I disagree, I want to make this work and I am willing to do anything. She knows that. My question is do I help her with the Divorce papers if that is what she wants, or do I politely tell her that is not what I want so if you want to Divorce then you go file and I'll pay half??? I don't know what to do....<P>I want to be the good guy but I don't want to divorce..... This can still be a great marriage if she will let it. She knows the ball is in her court. If it'll make her happy to file then I guess I should sign. Any suggestions or past experiences that would help me......... <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi there stranger<BR>welcome back I am glad you enjoyed your trip I hope you got all your thinking and sorting out done. I have no passed experience on this matter(divorce) but I would let her know with out a doubt that this is not what yo want at all, leave no doubt in her mind about that !<BR>This is only what I think and I am far from an expert on these matters I mean look how messed up my life is again!<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Thanks Jenny,<BR>I did do alot of thinking and I found my true feeling for my W. I can't believe all this was just below the surface all these years..... Wake up call to say the least. Big lesson learned.... When you love somebody so much that it hurts, Show it over and over and don't just say it or assume they know......

Hi Rutger<BR>I am glad that you have found some thing positive out of this really I am but in my experience it generally comes too late I hope this is not the case with you and your wife, if you feel so strongly about your wife please let her know that divorce is out of the question, a thought that you will not even contemplate !! <P>Going home in a few minutes so I will check in tommorrow e mail please lets talk.<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Rutger-<BR>I am struggling with the same thing. My H filed for divorce last week. If I cooperate, it will take 90 days, if I don't it will take a year. I haven't decided whether or not to cooperate. I truly believe we can work this out. But he says he doesn't want to. <P>For 8 months, he's been pulling away and I've been hanging on. I suspect that opposing the divorce won't stop the divorce, it will just be more of the same. It might feed my sense of self-rightousness and victimhood. But in the end it will leave us both bitter and angry. <P>I'm struggling with how to let him go with love instead of with anger. See my thread 'divorce papers' from a few days ago for the responses I got from others on this topic.

Rutger<P>It is clear you don't want the divorce. This does not make you not a "good guy". I would make it clear what you want politely, that divorce is not the only option, and continue to show that you love her, but do not be needy. The divorce may still happen but by only doing what you have to for the divorce will not make you a "bad guy".

Dear Rutger, <P>This is a very personal question. So for you, the answer may not be the same as for someone else.<P>For me, I wouldn't agree to a divorce. I would do everything I can to stall it, and I would do everything I could to communicate to my husband that I am not sending mixed messages. I want to be his best friend, and I want to be his wife. But I do not want to be his x-wife and his best friend.<P>I would tell him that if he filed, that he could expect me not to cooperate, but that is because I don't want a divorce, and is not to be perceived of me trying to get even or anything of the sorts. <P>I would take the responsibility to communicate that to him, but if his understanding is clouded - that would be his problem, and I would hope that with sending the same message time after time after time, that he would someday get it.<P>I also would need to do this because I would need to live with myself afterwards. If I caved in to his wishes, I would feel bad for not sticking to what I believe in.<P>If my husband would get angry with me because I wouldn't jump off a cliff, I would have to just let him know that what he wanted for me was not what I wanted for myself. And I would hope he'd get over it.<P>I think that when the spouse that is betrayed, can decide what to term an affair, then that is okay. But, lovebusters can't always be determined by the spouses perception. If it would be a lovebuster because I didn't jump off the cliff, then that is definitely a wrong perception on the part of the spouse, and that is because he is one messed up puppy. <P>Am I making any sense to you?<P>This is my logic.

Rutger<P>If SHE wants a divorce, then SHE can go file and pay her lawyer. YOU don't pay half. If she files, YOU pay YOUR lawyer - and be sure to get one after you receive papers.<P>Annie<P>Geeze... thanks for posting that; I needed to read it. I am so there... And it's so hard...<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

I'd take THAT a step further and if SHE'S the one wanting a divorce, you need to DEMAND that she pick up all the costs, including your lawyer. <P>Get the kids (are there kids?) and have HER paying child support. I'd make this a tough thing for her to get thru. This will continue to let her know you don't want this.<P>Afterall, if you don't want it, why should YOU pay your lawyer????????

Rutger,<P>I don't know if you remember anything about my story (no profile anymore)...but DON'T DO IT!<BR>If you don't want a divorce, don't "help" in any way.<BR>Like others have said...it doesn't make you the "bad guy" to not want a divorce.<BR>I will probably go to my grave regretting that I got divorced...not ever knowing what may have happened if I stuck it out.<BR>Love her...let her see that you love her... and WAIT.<BR>-- Time is our worst enemy or our best friend!<P>...coming from a hypocrite like me...huh!

Rutger,<BR>You can check divorcenet for your state regulations. <BR>When my w first started talking about d, I went to a lawyer to see what a lawyer is. Her lawyer then sent him the disillusionment papers. I haven't paid anything, but my w has paid a bunch.<BR>w wanted a simple quick d, but when I got the papers she wanted half of everything and for me to pay all the costs associated with the d and anything else negotiable was in her favor.<BR>I countered with a even split, she came back with with a different split. The killer is that she is under reporting her income that determines child support. It kills me she wants what she s entitled too, half the house and pension, but doesn't want to pay for what she is responsible for, namely the kids. She has admitted that her lawyer has lied about her income and also padded some fees she wanted me to pay.<BR>For that reason you may want to get your own lawyer. I can't imagine that that doing nothing will keep you from getting a divorce if she pushes it, you do need legal help because either yor w or her lawyer will take advantge of you. And DON'T USE HER LAWYER ! She has already paid him so he is working for her.

Well thank you all so much for your responses. I think we are all lucky to have this place to bounce ideas and feeling around. <P>I think I am starting to see the light. If she wants a divorce then she will have to file and pay for it on her end. I will do nothing to help her divorce me. <P>This is her divorce, not mine. It is still up in the air as far as what she will do. Actions are louder than words. She is short on cash so it may be difficult for her to file. I think if she brings up the subject again I will merely say that I do not wish to discuss any terms of divorce because I do not want to do it. I live in a no fault state and regardless of who files it will be final in 6 months, with or without my signature. <P>I hope that when it comes down to it and she is standing in line to file the papers that she can't do it, I can only hope that she will see how much I love her and that this is the wrong thing to do. I feel like I cannot suggest anything to her because this is something that she needs to discover, And if she does come back I want her to do it because she wants to and not because I want her to. <P>Anyway, Thank you for your insight. You all are so great and helpfull. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>