<BR>It's amazing how our emotions can change from one moment to another. I have been feeling so good about my SO and I commiting to take things slowly and that we both wanted to work on us. We both decided we didn't want to see anyone else during this time, but I sense from him today that he is weening slowly from us maybe to lessen the pain. I haven't had an anxious feeling when we're apart because I've hoped that we were doing the right thing.<P>He mentioned he's got into a conversation about relationships with this new girl at work (she's fresh out of college so she's a bit younger than he). I didn't think much about it until I sent him an e-mail today telling him I I'm here to energize him on gloomy rainy days such as today (I love rainy days) and he replied saying thank you but he was getting energized from an unknown source. We were suppose to meet for lunch and he said he was too busy today and maybe we could tomorrow.<P>I'm crushed! And I feel like I'm back 3 weeks when he first ended things. My stomach is in knots and I feel desperate to hang on.<P>I hate having emotions. Why couldn't I be cold hearted and callous?<P><P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

Lady K,<BR>I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in these feelings. I know how crushing it can be, but maybe he is just taking the "take it slow" really to heart. Giving you both a little space to try to stick to it.<P>Right now I am still haveing a little of the scrambled eggs for brains syndrom about my H contacting me and telling me he loves me. But, I know he talked to his lawyer yesterday.... just don't know if he's still planning to counter file for divorce yet (I filed for legal separation a month ago). <P>My thoughts & prayers are with you,<BR>B<P>PS- thanks for responding to my thread.<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Butterfly (edited September 22, 1999).]

<BR>Thanks for taking the time to respond. <P>I'm starting to feel as though I've been trying to play it "too cool" thinking he'll get an overflowing urge to run back to me and pick up where we left off.<P>I want so badly to be in his arms and to start our life together under one roof. I guess I've been waiting for him to really prove himself to me and do the things you do when you are first dating, i.e., flowers, sexy messages on the answering machine.<P>I've been resisting him sexually and I think that's right, but I think I need to start making more subtle gestures so he knows I want him, but I won't be throwing myself at him.<P>What do you think? I feel like playing it too cool makes him think I'm not interested. I invited him over for dessert after his choir practice tonight and he sounded glad I asked. I am too. I feared he was going to tell me he had other plans.<P>Thank you for sharing.<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

hi ladyk,<BR>Why would you play at the 'too cool' game? Relationships are built on honesty and openness, and this playing has me a bit confused! If you want him, tell him!<BR>Let him know that you were hurt by his change of lunch plans and his comment. And let him know that you would like flowers, candlelight dinners, etc. He may well not know any of this! Or maybe he needs a gentle reminder.<BR>Seems to be a communication issue that the two of you could work on? I get a funny feeling that he is punishing you?

<BR>CL - My SO came over last night and I bared my heart and soul. I told him how greatly I loved him and that I was so scared I was going to loose him. I cried and told him I've been waiting for him to come to me and tell me how much he loved me. We have both been waiting for the other. I know a relationship needs to be based on honesty, but he runs from love. He doesn't think he's worthy of such great love and stability. He had an abusive upbringing and he needs to create chaos in his life to feel stable. When things are great between us and we get into a comfort zone, he needs to stir things up. I recognize this and I've tried so hard to bare with the chaos he creates and not take it to heart. He threw the towel in and stayed at his mom's these past few weeks to stir up the stability we had gotten into so I would prove my love to him via tears and anxiety. I have tried not to do that but I did last night. <P>I want to do some research on how I can help him with this and also help myself from the roller coaster ride and chaos. I love him with all my heart. He needs to know that so intensely all the time, yet he runs from it.<P>I do hate the games and I want to build a more healthy relationship for our future as well as for all the kids (we have 2 boys each from previous marriages).<P>He's starting to recognize his issues and I do want to help him subtly if possible.<P>Thank you for your response.<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P><BR>

Lady K -<P>I am so sorry that you are going up and down with your emotions.....you had sounded so strong and committed to realizing what steps he must take to overcome his problems.<P>What you just said about the chaos and his troubles MUST be kept in the forefront of your mind right now.<P>You know that nothing will be wonderful with this relationship if he does not completely work out his issues. I know that you know this!!!<P>You can not make it happen for him...Your support needs to come in a different form than what you have been doing.....it hasn't changed anything by just keeping separate living conditions.<P>He has work to do!!! Is he doing it or do you feel that just being apart somewhat is work? <P>How is his counselor? What did your counselor and pastor say about his issues? Have they offered the correct guidance to him? This is a specific problem that requires specific techniques for him to get to the root of and conquer.<P>You have not really backed off that much Lady K.....Seeing him and talking to him so much does not let him realize what he is doing and take the bull by the horns to fix it properly and for real.<P>Now, you are playing games? What's that about? Lady K, you can't be afraid of losing him......I know that you don't want to and I pray that you don't.<BR>But do you want to live like this? Do you want your boys to have this for an example? <P>Do not settle out of fear!!!!! It's up to him and God.....Not you. You deserve a man who knows himself and is honest and consistant with no need for games.<P>If your SO matures into one - than all the better!! But if he doesn't learn and grow within himself, than I'm afraid he will be a perpetual gameplayer with double standards.<P>You can only help him by reinforcing what he needs.....not what you want!<BR>Pulling back does not mean you don't love him and trying to make sure that he knows is reinforcing his way of creating chaos!!<P>The fact that he said that to you about the girl and lunch......I'm sorry Lady K but that is a sign that nothing has even begun to change with him.<P>You didn't give him the love overflow so he struck out at you by saying things to hurt you. That's not good!!!<P>It worked for him though, cuz like you said you fed into the cycle by the tears and love pouring.<P>I'm sorry to have to say these things to you....I care about you and the boys and don't want to see you go through such pain, misery and confusion. Please don't let yourself keep going on this merry-go-round - at least not without the music changing, if you know what I mean.....<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba