A quick overview, married 18 years, found out 7 weeks ago my wife was having an affair, which had only been going on for 3 weeks. I went to battle to win her back. I did, she droped the OM, we both read Harley's books, and have tried to put them into practice. We both are really trying. However, because of the amount of pain I'm going through, my love bank is drain out faster than she's depositing. I don't think I love her as much now as I did a week after I found out about the affair. I'm starting to fall out of love with her, and that doesn't make sense. I fought so hard to win her back, I did a 180 in my own life. But the fact of what she did to me, is eating away all my love for her. It's effecting her too, I am constantly staring at the wall, I get misty even in public, and overall I'm down all the time, and that causes her to be down, and it's the domino effect. I'm on anti-dep, but that hasn't helped much. I know these things take time, but it seems like time is making it worse. I've even thought about making some female friends, not to have an affair with, but just for backup in case the relationship ends. I've had a big trust issue problem and I woke up the other morning and realized I wasn't going to worry about trust anymore. If I found out something was still going on, it would almost be a relief, than I could let her go, let the pain go, I find someone who loves me. I guess maybe thats part of the problem, she says she loves me, but actions speak louder than words, and I she's faking some feelings, hoping someday they will come back. I know she is my soul mate, but why am I starting to fall out of love. I want to tell her how I feel, but she is so emotionally drained now, and I'm not sure how strong her love for me is, I don't want her to give up. I'm afraid she might if I told her!

RWC I think what you are going through is normal. You have let down feeling after working so hard. You put alot of these emotions on hold and now they are coming to the surface. Trust take time to build. Stop and think why you feel in love with her in the first place. Think about why you wanted to keep your marriage going. Think on these things not the past, think on how to make the future better with her. Anti- dep. med. take time sometimes a month or more before they really take affect. Also you need to be seeing a counselor not joint by yourself to help you sort things out.They won't give you answers but it will be a place to talk out what you are feeling with someone. Also these is a good place to vent. Just don't give up yet You have worked hard to get this far. I don't think you really want to let go of her, and some of your thoughts on having a different relationship with someone else may just be a thoughts of getting even. Don't it never works. Good luck<P>------------------<BR>di<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited September 22, 1999).]

Hi RWC<P>Wow.. I feel the same way. I just thought I was jealous because of all this talk about feeling "great" while being with the OP. Seems like my W had a break from the marriage and got to "experience" a new person while I held the fort. I told my W right away that I was vulnerable to having an affair now because of these feelings and I felt better. <P>Sort of SUCKS actually. What I mean is you had to "win" her back and now to keep her you have to treat her like gold.. I am laughing while I type this because if we treated them like gold in the first place they would not have left.. BUT thats no excuse. This whole issue takes a BIG blow on a man's machismo and we need a self image boost from our wives.<P>Talk to your W, let her know how you feel. I think part of the problem is the feeling of not being wanted or desired. It feels good to know your W wants you and that you did not "trick" her into coming back.<P>What ever you do DON'T have a revenge affair. It does not work and the time spent looking and entertaining female friends would be beteer spent treating your W better PLUS the payoffs are better.<P>Good Luck Bro....

SDS & toronto_m_29<P>Thanks for the advise. It's not revenge I'm after, It's just for so long I thought I didn't need love, it was my way to live with<BR>not being loved. However, when my whole world fell apart, I realized how much I needed love and needed to love. Now my wife is doing nothing wrong, she is loving, affectionate, and everything else that a wife should be. The problem is everytime I look at her, I remember what she did, that has drained all my love. I want so bad to forget! But my love bank is dry, and I don't have the luxury to let time heal. The reason I started making female friends, is that either the hurt is going to pass very soon or I will end things, I can't go through this kinda hell for 1 year, 2 years, 3 years. Because I know I need to love. If I ever do give up. I do not want to be alone for even one day. I want to know I have someone else that I can love. But don't misunderstand, I would not start a relationship beyond a friends only basis, until the marriage was dead....I know it's dangerous, and you people are right. Damn these emotions!

You thought your marriage was worth fighting for , so it is worth giving your self more time to heal. I know emotion are sometime hard to handle, but instead of thinking about what she has done,etc. Think good thoughts about the good times and what you can do to make things better. Don't let your self dwell on your anger and hurt. You wanted this to work and no one said it would be easy or quick. You have only taken the first step in saving your marriage and there are alot of steps. You have invested all this time what is wrong with a little more. Think about why you wanted to save it in the first place and then work harder at gaining her. Court her like you did the first time or if you didn't do so now give her your full attention. Listen to what she has to say, be romantic. Do the things you would do with your female friends I know your love bank is depleted but in order to have some thing deposited we have to work at it. I don't know if I making sense or even explaining my self very well. Just don't give up yeat. Just remember you thought she was worth worker for to begin with isn't she worth somemore of your time.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Hi RWC<P>The problem with purposely obtaining females frineds is that you will compare them to your W. Plus sub-consciously you will think about a relationship with these female friends. <P>Could it be that your "man hood" is suffering and you want to "see" if you can still "pick up"? or that overall this seemed like a "game" and now that you won it is anti-climatic? (put your W on a shelf like a trophy and try and get another?.. kidding).<P>Seems like a dangerous game, if you think you'll be single then you will be single. I agree that I also felt the same way, lasted until I talk it over with the W. I know I will never go through what I did already, once bitten twice shy BUT I can not hook up with female friends and use them as "back up" and "recovery" plans (tech geek talk).<P>Talk to your W, tell her now that the rebuilding process has started that you feel you suffered in the "macho" department. She needs to know your "needs" for being desired and wanted. Give her a chance to fullfill your "needs" because she did come back to you afterall.<P>Grab the guys, go out for a beer at some pub and take comfort that you have a W that loves you and wants to be with you.<P>Take Care

RWC<P>I know what you are going through. I, myself, went through about the same at about the same timeframe. This must be worked through by the two of you not just yourself. I have gone through several periods when I was in the same mind frame. Knowledge is Power, so the best thing to do is learn as much about the processes and learn from others. You have been in the fight of your life and need a 7th inning stretch. Take some time away for the two of you to be with each other having fun and not just a time to work on your relationship. The two of you need to spend an extended time playing. Take a weekend and just lock yourself in a Hot Tub Suite and have fun together. <P><BR> Check out the following:<P>http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com/com014.html &<BR>http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com/com008.html<P>I made the decision to start to live my life again. <P>Your friend <P>John

You both are right 100%....I'm just so emotionally drained that I think I've lost half of my IQ! I really think that if my wife ever decides to hurt me in the future, I would prefer a bullet!