We're a year separated now and husband has had an OW this entire time. Twice now I have asked him why he hasn't filed for divorce. Six weeks ago he said "because I'm lazy". Last night he said "I'm the world's biggest procrastinator". Apparently, this trait is the only weakness he's willing to acknowledge (shows no remorse for walking out on us with a newborn and describes situation as "hopeless", entirely my fault).<P>Is it really possible that he is being honest with me and himself with this explanation? It seems that if he really wanted to be in a committed relationship with the OW he would be filing for divorce. He hangs out with the family alot and we do fun things (I've been focusing on recreational companionship as his primary need). He enjoys himself and I do extremely little lovebusting (although I lost control and did some disrespectful judgments last night, which I apologized for this morning). I asked him again to attend joint counseling with me and he said he would consider it (no breath holding here).<P>Is this just betrayer-speak while the affair continues or should I take it more seriously? It seems that actions would be more telling than words, but it could be that I'm just reading it the way I want to.

Distressed - <P>I'm certainly no expert but your H's excuse that he's lazy is a cop out. Right now, he's having his cake and eating it too. He's got the best of BOTH worlds. Seems to me that you are still in Plan A. I might suggest that it's past time to switch to Plan B (NO contact) and see if his tune doesn't change. If he's still getting all his needs met with OW AND you, why would he rock the boat and file?

Shattered:<P>I did Plan B for five months earlier this year. It gave husband an excuse to completely withdraw from the family. He never once saw our baby the entire time and barely saw/talked to our son. I decided that the price of Plan B (husband's ditching of children) was too high for the potential benefit to the marriage. It also didn't have any effect on his making a decision. I popped out in early summer.<P>I personally think that husband is in a severe midlife crisis, combined with affair. Until the affair ends there will be no progress on the marriage. He WILL NOT end the affair, in fact I think he's incapable. It's either got to fall apart or she's going to have to get impatient with his lack of commitment TO HER. She's never met the kids or his parents after a year and he hasn't filed for divorce. I think that says something too, although it's likely he's telling her lies (as he has done with me).

D - <P>OK. Please don't take this as a suggestion...but have YOU considered filing for divorce? You cannot do it to try to wake them up - you should only do it if you can carry it through.<P>What reason do YOU want to stay in the marriage?

I have asked myself the "why wait" question for months. I've stopped the self analysis - it doesn't matter. I want my marriage back with something close to the "old version" of my husband, who was a sensitive man, a wonderful father and a committed husband.<P>I sometimes think about filing for divorce but am committed to file only if I truly want the divorce to go through. I'm nowhere near that point. Right now, he's such a conflict avoider. If I filed myself, I think it would be a tremendous relief to him. There's almost no chance that a divorce filing would wake him up. Instead, it would be the route out of this mess on a silver platter. I also think it would be the end of any chance for him to become a decent father again.<P>The "having his cake and eating it too" point is well taken and upsetting to me. I just don't know what else I can do at this point. My lovebank is not empty and my love busting is minimal. I know I need to spend more time on self development so I've been headed that way.<P>Like so many other long-timers on this forum, I'm here trying to wait out the affair. I don't think I can do much except bide time, but wherever I can I try to make lovebank deposits.