I just posted to your wife's "nervous breakdown" post. I also am a betrayer, and have felt all the feelings you are feeling. I also thought I would never have that spark with my H again. Actually, there was a year where I could not even have sex with my H because of how strongly I felt for the OM. this was a very long and intense affair, deep love and intense feelings, yet my H and I are finally rebounding from the pain and rebuilding the feelings we had before the affair. It can be done.<P>BUT I need you to know that this process would not be taking place if I had not left the workplace where the OM was. The constant reminders and contacts (even if 'the affair is on hold'- ha, I've said that a hundred times!) will not allow you to focus only on your W. Every time you are in the same room with OW, you will notice her and think of her and obsess about why you can't be with her. Eliminate that from your life, and you will see (after painful withdrawal) that relationship for the reality that it is- an affair like every other. <P>The reason you are torn between your W and the OW is because OW makes you feel things your W does not. Bring it out in the open. Actually tell your W what those feelings are- what OW says to you, does for you, all of it. Bringing it out into the light of day will be a good first step at eliminating the 'mystique' and 'specialness' of the conversations you have with the OW. Instead of discussing how you may or may not end your marriage with the OW, which only brings you closer to her and further from your W, discuss with your W the relationship with the OW. this will bring you closer to your W emotionally and may help you discover what needs you have that are not being satisfied by your W at home. <BR>ps to dhj- I am not trying to say this is your fault for not satisfying his needs at all, sorry if it sounded that way. I'm just trying to help your H realize why he thinks he needs this OW.

DHJ,<P>Buddy, you went into this thing for pleasure. You like her to walk into the room for pleasure. You want both your wife and your affair partner to have pleasure.<P>Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. Not just sexual pleasure, pleasure of happiness, etc.<P>You want a quick fix solution where the pleasure continues for everyone involved. Your hoping that there is some magical formula...a religious conversion...a new level of understanding...a fantastic concept or suggestion...that will somehow not cause any pain to anyone.<P>The reason the counseling is not working is because there is no sign of a commitment to anything. Ouch! That's painful, change the subject.<P>I like this pleasure. Can't we keep the pleasure somehow? I don't want to give up any morsel of pleasure.<P>Friend, how can I say this...that's your d*** problem. There's gotta be some pain because of your action. This act of adultery was NEVER intended to cause any pain but that's precisely why it is so wrong. It does cause immense pain in spite of people's intentions or feelings.<P>Step 1 is to wake up to the pain and the price that people are going to have to pay regardless of what happens from here. You can no longer be on an ego trip of both hero to your lover and faithful husband. You goofed. You are showing signs of being decent about this. The first step is to stop enjoying the staying in this limbo state of dangling morsels in front of two women who want things from you. Sure, it's fun, it's easy, you don't have to nail anything down, but you should be a better man than that by now. Face the fact that pain is in the future and start the long process of dealing with it. The people is this forum will be there to support you.<BR>

Cuckold, this is a great post. Direct, to the point, perhaps abrasive, but great. The equivalent of grabbing this boy by the lapels and shaking sense into him.<P>Paste this post in a text file and keep it on your hard disk somewhere. I have a feeling you'll need to post it again.

dhj's H<P>You are right... you are the only one that can make this decision and remember you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. <P>I am new to this site and I have to tell you that just a couple of months ago I was in your shoes. I can remember the desperation of needing to make a decision because how unfair I was being to everyone. On one hand I loved my wife, on the other I loved my "girlfriend." I knew I had to choose, but I kept asking myself, what if...? A hundred of those what if's. The big one was what if it is the wrong decision. Only time will tell. <P>The only way I was able to make my decision was to weigh the pros and cons, I have realized how selfish I was. I took so much from my wife, she was such a giver, I was a taker. My last priority was family, I almost paid the ultimate price. <P>We have two kids and I kept telling myself they would be fine that they were younger than I was when my parents split up. The bottom line... I did not want to take that chance, especially if I thought there was any hope to recover those special feelings my wife and I shared. Over time we became so comfortable with each other. It seemed like we were just friends. That was what we had to actively change. I had to look at her differently to remember what we had once shared. We had to take some chances: spend time together w/o kids, and nuture ourselves as a couple.<P>I can tell you from experieince that it will take time. It has been a couple of months. I was lucky because my girlfriend worked with me, but she put in for a promotion, she got it and it took her to another state. The withdrawal I felt from her when I ended was terrible, but it has gotten easier since she moved. I will remember her, just like anyone who has an impact on your life. My wife and I are open and honest about it, that helps. It sounds like what I have read that you have a wife who will make the rebuilding easier than most. <P>I also had fears about how my wife would react over time. Would she throw it up in my face everyday, or every time we fight? Well, it has only been a couple of months but so far so good. Is our relationship perfect yet? No. But I can feel that I made the right decision... now. I still wasn't sure at first. I can tell that we are closer in most ways and I look forward to making the rest "right." It is not easy, but who is to say that you will really get it right with the other person? In the long run (I think from what you have typed here) that you will be happier with yourself if you do the right thing. Maybe that is why you are having such a hard time making a decision. You don't want to give "her" up, but you know that is what you have to do. Maybe you are prolonging the situation to prevent having to hurt her. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by tfu (edited August 17, 1999).]

djhH, Just have a couple things to say. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If I start over with something great I can do it right form the beginning <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Not possible, because it has NOT been right from the beginning. It has been a lie, it has been deceptive, it has been pain causing, it has been anything but right.<P>Second, you don't want to hurt either one of them, but which one did you make the promise to that you would be together till death? Which one has given you years of her life, unconditionally? Which one carried your child for 9 months? Which one cares for that child daily and has the capacity to love him as much as you? Which one is still standing by you, even though you have put her through the hardest time in her life?<P>Last, do you think you are walking into this relationship with OW without the problems you had with your wife? Wife was only 50%, so you are taking 50% of your problems(+guilt) with you if you leave. Do you think a new relationship will be immune to all of bad habits? It won't, but your wife has shown you that she is willing to stick by you, bad habits, affair, and all.<P>It might not be clear to you right now, but it really is a clear choice. Good luck to you and your wife & son.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>