Haven't posted for awhile. Things were going ok and progressing - baby steps - but still progressing. More importantly husband has been willing to work at things.

So why am I here now. Well, big bomb blew last night. This weekend is the Ca. Thanks Giving. Like most other couple, one day was planned to spend with his family (sisters, mother etc) and the other day with my family.

Well, he gets a call from his sister who is hosting the dinner. Apparently the family had a discussion. They feel awkward about our situation and would feel awkward if I attended the dinner. So they gave my husband an ultimatum - either he comes alone or they are going to cancel Thanks Giving dinner. (Oh, but they want me to know that they do like me).

He has decided to go.

So, how am I responding to all of this? I told him that their feelings are valid but the decisions they are making (saying I'm not welcome) based on those feelings are not right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And more importantly, him not sticking up for me was the bigger issue.

I told him I realized that this put him in a difficult place, but a each spouse has to make the other the highest priority over everyone else. He does not agree with this point. He thinks each of our respective families should be placed first. Obviously this is another issue we will need to discuss with the MC.

I'm not sure who I am angry with more. My husband for not having the courage or desire to tell his family where they could stick their turkey. Or his sisters/mother for trying to drive a wedge in between us. I am full of a lot of emotions right know. And I want to call each one of them and tell them how cruel they are being - but I won't.

I am simply in shock and at a loss of what to do or say to convince him that they are behaving poorly. Ok, I've rambled. Sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Is your husband Christian? The bible says that a man must leave his mother and cling to his wife. His wife must always be his first priority. Your husband has a serious problem standing up to his family.

His sisters/mother could not drive a wedge between you if he put you first. So your anger is better placed on him. The message of his actions is that he is only partially trying in your marriage.

I haven't followed your story, so why exactly does his family not want you there? Are the other spouses attending?

zorweb,

I used that line last night, but it fell on deaf ears. He was with very little religion. He has always been open to it and has attended churdh with me in the past but his knowledge is none existent.

To answer MAMAC's question, yes all other spouses, kids etc will be there. Why they don't want me there is a mystery - "They feel awkward".

So, this is the half-[censored] backward solution. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry, I know I shouldn't call names, but this is still very fresh.

How do I express that this is unacceptable behaviour without LB?

2Hope

I'm sorry but I do not recall your story...
Did either of you have an affair? I assume there is some difficulty in your marriage, could you share the short (or long if you wish) story so that we can understand their point of view?

There are few reasons why it would be acceptable for his family to exclude you. And if he is staying with you, there are really no reasons why his accepting the invitation is all right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2Hope:
<strong>
To answer MAMAC's question, yes all other spouses, kids etc will be there. Why they don't want me there is a mystery - "They feel awkward".
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What on earth do they have to feel awkward about? You are your husband's wife and no matter what has happened in the past, nothing can change that fact!!

We have some dear friends who have a similar problem. The reason they do not accept the wife is because she is about 5-10 years older than their son! What kind of lame excuse is that? The in-laws won't even have anything to do with our friends' children.

Ok, here is our story.
No affairs.
M -2 yrs. Lived together for 2 yrs prior to that.
A few months ago Husband sat me down and told me he was unhappy and had been for at least a year. Said that our marriage was a mistake from the beginning and that he never really loved me and he wanted a divorce. I was in very surprised (and told him this). I knew we had some problems but I never thought our marriage was a mistake and I told him that I loved him.

He argreed to marriage counselling. We started immediately. Our problems were fairly typical. Poor communication and none existent sex life were the biggest issues. (Part of the reason why the sex wasn't there was due to health reasons on my part. And the poor communication probably made that situation even worse).

My husband also has some of his own health problems that have been recently discovered. Of which some symptoms are depression and low sex drive. Its hard to say how much they have played a part.

Our counselling has gone well. We went together for awhile, then decided we would go separately. He has many past issues that he needs to first accept and then deal with. Our counsellor sees this as very important for our marriage to succeed. (Some of his isseus are - low self-esteem, internal anger, extreme sensitivity).

He has been making progress and for the most part we have been getting along better than ever. Our communication or should I say conversation is good. We have fun together. I thought we were ready to address the sex issue and was hoping this holiday weekend would provide a good moment.

He admits that he doesn't want to upset his family and cannot tell them that their request is unacceptable. He just doesn't seem to get the difference between having emotiona and decision making based on those emotions. I understand their "akwardness". I feel it too. But how a person decides to handle those emotions is the important factor here. At least that is what I believe.

I should also mention that before any of this cam to light I hadwhat I thought was an excellant relationship with everyone in his familty. We have never argued etc..So I am at a loss.

Thanks for the explanation. I don't see anything in there that would justify this.

I know that one time I told my sister that her fiancé was no longer permitted in my home. But geezz, as a joke he help a butcher knife to my 10 year old niece’s throat. My sister excused it as funny. If I’d been in the room when it happened I would have called the police. Now that’s a reason for banning someone from a holiday get together.

Didn't he do this same thing on his birthday??? Or do I have you confused with someone else?

Until he can stand up to his family he is not mature enough to be married. His family is way out of line on this one.

Try to get a joint counseling session and discuss this in there.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

AHHH!

Sorry I needed to scream.

Yes this did happen on his birthday. This time is definitly worse. Since this time we were both invited. On his birthday no one had been invited to anything yet.

Both instances painful, but this is definitley stings more. If he thinks it better to side than his family than with me waht can I possibly say to him?
It would be different if he agreed that he should put me first but felt the pressure from his family etc. Then we would have something to work with.

We definitely need the counsellor on this one. But in the meantime this weekend is going to happen.

Here is something else I should mention, he is still willing to coming to my families dinner on the next day. Go figure.

Ask your H how he would feel if he was excluded from your family because they felt awkward around him. Would he "allow" you to choose your family over him? It's the same thing! I can't see where either one of you have done anything terribly wrong so I don't see how his family can justify this.

MAMAC, we did discuss the reverse situation. I told him that I would never allow anyone (family included) to 'not include him'. It would be the both of us or nothing. (I am lucky that my family would never behave in this manner - so it's not even an issue).

The problem is he said he it would be ok for me to choose them over him. "he would understand".
As you can see he is just not getting it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi there, I'm so sorry for what your going through!

You said you asked him how he would like the reverse situation where your family didn't want him. What about asking him how he would feel if his father was given the same ultimatum by his own family (your DH's grandparents) and picked the grandparents over his wife and his children? Maybe it would make it clearer to your DH? Would it be possible for you two to have thanksgiving by yourselves?

I'm sorry if what I've suggested is of no use, I hope you find a way out of this. It sounds like you two were making good progress before thanksgiving!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2Hope:
<strong> As you can see he is just not getting it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thoughts exactly! It sounds like he's in denial. I don't think he "gets" how this is affecting you. He can say it would not bother him if your family did the same thing, but in his heart he knows they won't so he can't relate to your pain. I hate to see this cause your marraige a setback when you have been doing so good!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

tgirl, that is a good perspective to bring up. But I think I have to face up to the idea that my H is emotionally immature. If this is true then I don't think there is anything that I might be able to say to make him understand.

I have called our MC. I'm hoping they can get back to me today. However I think I have to accept that this weekend is going to happen and we won't be able to work thr'g this until next week. UGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Maybe you should ask your husband if his father spent Thanksgiving only with HIS family and left his Mother at home??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I dealt with my h choosing his family over me for 11 yrs. The big difference is, is that his family verbally abused me and he sat there and let it happen all the while I was supposed to let him handle it. He unfortunately never did handle anything he didn't want to make waves, but I couldn't just sit back and take that and then be the happy loving wife when we returned home. They could do and say anything to me and they wouldn't have anything said to them and I am a woman will stands up for myself in most situations that need standing up for.

Well in your situation I can see where you are extremely hurt. The problem is though that the two of you are still repairing your marriage and you have to make a choice to let him go and poja that it won't happen all the time, or to make him stay home and allow resentment to build up inside him for you since things aren't as strong as they could be at the present moment. I think even though it is definately wrong you should let him go, show him how much it hurts you and then act as normal as possible when he returns. He will feel out of place at his families once there and you're not there but if you fight or argue over it he will only feel like he is rubbing it in your face.

My h once vistited his mom and I refused to go because we had a huge falling out, and the whole time he was there all he could do was to think about me. He missed me, he felt wrong for being there when I couldn't/or wouldn't go because of the things that she's done. He knew I didn't feel welcome and now he is on my side, he went it's over. Yes you should come first, but they are still his family and if they keep this up they not you will end up forcing him to make a choice. Unfortunately that does happen I hope it doesn't escalate to that in your case, I see a whole lot of immaturity going on here with you h and his family. Resume counseling when it's all said and done, don't go too deep into this unless it continues. I wish you 2 the best of luck.

Take Care...Toni

Wow this is so unbelievably rude that it just about takes my breath away. It is also very manipulative. Notice it was not "Please come alone or not at all", No it was "Come alone or we will cancel dinner" subtext - do what we want or you will make us all miss Thanksgiving Dinner.

The equally manipulative thing to do would be for him to wait until the last minute, call and say "Nope I've changed my mind I'm not coming 2hope and I are having pizza, cancel the dinner."

Now I'm all in favour of preserving a marriage, but in your shoes I would think carefully about the standands that apparently operate in him family of origin.

Have as pleasant a long weekend as you can.

Your husband needs to (pardon the expression) GRAB A PAIR and stand by his CHOICE to 'leave his Father & Mother to cleave to his Wife' period. If his parents want to act like little children - 'waaaaah we're not coming to Thanksgiving with you if you don't come to our Dinner' then FINE! Well, Mom and Dad, I'm really sorry, but I guess YOU will be the ones missing out on our company for those Occasions. My wife and I will just go somewhere else for our Dinner or have a nice quiet dinner at home, sorry to be missing out on your company. Perhaps next year.
Love, XXX (whatever his name is)
Think if you show him this post he'll listen?
Best of luck, Harold

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask your H how he would feel if he was excluded from your family because they felt awkward around him. Would he "allow" you to choose your family over him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, he said it would be okay. YOU aren't going to put him to the test on it. YOU'RE the one being ostracized by his family.

I agree with Harold. He needs to stand up and be a man by standing by you. My x always put everyone, including his friends--other women, in front of me. He could go help his friend (a woman he worked with--no funny stuff, just friends) but he could never do squat for me. He never defended me to anyone, never told anybody that I should be treated with respect, etc.

As soon as I met someone who DID do those things..(I was separated at the time)I left him standing there looking stupid. My husband has had words with his mother on my behalf---now, I don't condone this but he did do it. He's told my grown son that if he couldn't be respectful to me, then he wasn't welcome in our home. In short, he may have his faults, but not taking care of me isn't one of them. I have no doubt that if the situation warranted it, my husband would turn his back on the world for me. And that's how it should be. My sister treated my husband deplorably. Consequently, she and I no longer speak. My loyalties lie with my husband. And yours should treat you the same way.

Prayers.