<BR>The majority of posts under this topic deal with infidelity that has occured during the marriage. What about when a couple separates for other reasons making the opportunity for infidelity a risk? Should a couple who is separated and trying to work on their marriage continue to have sexual intimacy? <P>My husband gave me a choice several months ago. I could either do things his way or leave. Well, I chose to leave. We have been separated for about two and a half months now in hopes of going to counseling and working on our marriage. Not a lot of positive things have happened.<P>Because of his controlling nature, I had very little imput into the marriage. His demandingness and temper actually caused me to either not confide in him, or be secretive to keep him from exploding when things did not go HIS way or when I had a differing opinion.<P>I am very hesitant to return to the marriage the way things are and I really do not want our marriage to end all at the same time. <P>Now I feel there is a strong possibility that he may have been with another woman out of frustration and impatience that I am still not at home.<P>Any feedback will be most appreciated.<P>I do not want a divorce, nor do I want to lose my husband to another woman. <P>

In my case, there is no such time as infidelity. Our separation agreement has a "Non-Interference" clause that basically says she can sleep or live with whomever she wishes and I have no right to say anything. In return, she does not care with whom I sleep or live with either. Most separation agreements have something like this, so if your agreement is signed, he didn't do anything wrong.<P>One of the risks you face when you "separate" or threaten divorce to get something you want, even if it is an "improvement" in the marriage in your mind, is that sometimes what you get instead is the divorce.<BR>

Abigail -- This is exactly what happened to me. My W had a physical affair after she left me for totally unrelated reasons, see my profile for details.<P>I don't really have time to give you any real advice since I am at work right now, but will try to reply when I get home. Feel free to E-Mail me at MB_Empty_Shell@hotmail.com or my W at hopeful1771@hotmai.com.<P>God Bless

nonplused, thank you for your input, although I must say, I have a very difficult time allowing myself to feel my husband's physical, sexual involvement with another woman would be not "doing anything wrong". He is mine as long as we are still married. And I am his. Sexual intercourse is such a personal, intimate thing. It is taken so lightly these days. So much of one's self is poured into another during such intimacy, not to mention all the emotion that goes with it. It is quite a step to experience this with more than one person during a lifetime.<P>Empty Shell, I feel your heartache over what has happened in your marriage. I would like to hear more of your reply when you have the time. It sounds like everything in your marriage is on the mend though. That's encouraging.

I also feel for your situation. My husband had started his affair before out legal separation (at least emotionally and possibly sexually). As a religious person who had hopes of recovering our marriage, it hurt me that he would take our relationship so lightly to jump right into another relationship before ours had ended. I think it's worse because we, as the offended party, are in so much pain. Both over the break up of the marriage, and then wondering what is happening with your spouse. Are they happier, is the OW prettier, is she better in bed, will our friends/family accept her and reject me. <P>

I don't have any advise to give but I'll just let you know about my experience. My W had a one night stand and left me the next day. We were seperated and moving nowhere if not further apart. My needs were not being met at all and I was feeling lonely and discouraged. I got very drunk and had a one night stand of my own. God what a mistake that was. I may have flushed my entire life down the toilet. I still am not sure why I did it.<P>The difference I guess is that I was chasing after my W and she was running away. I am still chasing her and now she is running further away. <P>I hope this is not the case with your H. When I figure out the true reasons behind what I did I may be of some help. Until then my thoughts are with you and I'm sorry for what you are having to go through. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Abigail -- Sorry it took me so long to get back with you. Yes things are on the mend between my W and I and that is encouraging. It is this fact which made me reply to you in the first place.<P>I'm being rude here, I should have started out by telling you that you have come to a place where you are welcome. You will find help and friendship here.<P>Let me try and answer some of the things you asked and comment on some of the things you said in the first place. . .<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What about when a couple separates for other reasons making the opportunity for infidelity a risk? Should a couple who is separated and trying to work on their marriage continue to have sexual intimacy?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>With my W and I this was not an option. I don't know if you have looked up any of my old posts or not, but when my W left, she immediately filed a restraining order against me. Any contact, sexual or otherwise, would have been at the risk of jail.<P>From many of the stories I have heard here, I think I would tend to say YES, that sexual intimacy while seperated could have a positive benefit.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My husband gave me a choice several months ago. I could either do things his way or leave.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I didn't have this type of option in my situation. While I probably should have seen that problems were developing between us, for more reasons than I care to go into here, I didn't. I only found out the severity of the problems when I came home from work to find my W and our daughter gone.<P>Again, from the stories I have heard here, I would have to say that when a spouse goes to such extremes as ultimatums, then counseling should be the first recourse.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am very hesitant to return to the marriage the way things are and I really do not want our marriage to end all at the same time.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can understand this feeling very well. During the conversations my W and I had when we first started to work on our marriage, we talked a lot about correcting the problems which existed in our marriage prior to my W leaving.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Now I feel there is a strong possibility that he may have been with another woman out of frustration and impatience that I am still not at home.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I wish that in my case my W had been able to use frustration and impatience as an excuse. But that definately was not the case.<P>I did not find out about my W's affair until almost a year after the fact. For me, the affair may as well have happened 10 minutes before I found out. I don't know if that really makes sense to you or not. Going under the assumtion that you and your H are able to reconcile, if you find out later that he did in fact have an affair while you were seperated, you will know exactly what I mean.<P>Does a good excuse make having an affair better? Absolutely not. For the betrayed infidelity hurts more profoundly than any physical injury ever could.<P>I have heard similar stories to what nonplused said. I do not agree with the "logic" that many people and many laws try to use in justifying infidelity. (no offense intended nonplused) I agree with your response, Abigail, when you said that as long as you are still married, then you belong to your spouse. I don't mean that in the sense of being property, but the marriage vow says something about "forsaking all others." I for one took that vow literally.<P>So Abigail, I hope this long winded rambling story was able to help you some how. As far as useful advice I can offer you . . . It is pretty much what others will tell you while you are here. . .<P>Read everything this site has to offer. Not just this forum. Read the articles as well.<P>Find a way to get into counselling. Go by yourself if your H won't join you. You will learn things about yourself you never knew before. It will also help you to prepare for the possibility of having your marriage end in divorce. I know this is not an option you want, but anytime infidelity invades a marriage, divorce is a very real possible outcome.<P>Continue to come here to this forum. Read the stories of the others who are here. Ask questions. Everyone here understands the pain of infidelity, and most everyone will help you in any way they can.<P>Lastly, my offer still stands. If you want, feel free to E-Mail either myself or my W. We will help you anyway we can, even it that means just giving you a willing ear.<P>God Bless

Empty Shell,<P>Thank you so much for your warm and in-depth response. Your words were insightful, having gone through deep hurts of your own.<P>Abigail <p>[This message has been edited by Abigail (edited September 30, 1999).]