This quote from Dr. H. (available on the site) is one I absolutely agree with and endorse 1000%:<P>"The question I am most frequently asked by visitors to this web site is 'how can I survive my spouse's affair?' After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. It is worse than physical or verbal abuse, worse than sexual abuse of children and worse than all sorts of other forms of criminal misconduct. To be convinced of my rather radical conclusion, you only need to go through it once. It is absolutely devastating to most people." <P>"And yet, more than 50% of all spouses are victims of infidelity, which means that one spouse in most marriages will suffer the greatest marital pain possible at some time during their lifetimes."<P>(Bolding is added by me.)<P>Amen, amen, amen, amen, amen, amen, amen, amen, amen, amen.... (Here comes the marinated part.) I'd add to what Dr. H. says that it's much, MUCH worse than having a spouse with a drinking problem (which is frequently, I suspect, DUE to spousal infidelity!) Why O why didn't I stick with W#1 who at least (first time around anyway) TOLD me who the OM was. Who at least just upped and went on a 1-week Carribean sailing cruise with her doubles tennis partner instead of sneaking around trying to convince me nothing was happening?! Comrade Smirnov, pour me another round! She's not here and maybe that's just as well. Sir Hurts Alot, Chris, all you other cheated-on GUYS here, I'm thinking of you as I wash my life down the drain with fermented potato juice. (Wait, she just drove in. She hasn't left me for good!)<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex <BR>

<BR>Wex-<P>I will cast my vote of approval. It's certainly the most pain I've ever experienced. I hope everything turns out ok for you Wex, and all the rest of us that are struggling.<P>I'm not a drinker, but I've been closer than ever before as a result of this terrible ordeal. I was "this close" last weekend. I might go on a bender this weekend. I might not, too. Who knows? It would be soooo nice to have just a few minutes of pain-free life. Even a hangover would be a welcome distraction.<P>InSane<BR>

Well, I don't recommend it the next morning! That's the only problem. If you must, weekends are, indeed, probably the best time. Look before you leap, though. I would strongly STRONGLY recommend NOT going on a "bender" like you're thinking about. The whole trick to alcohol use as opposed to ABuse (as a Texas uncle of mine once taught me) is to titrate your intake. Titrating means drinking just enough to find the edge you want, where the pain of whatever emotional crap you're going through is sufficiently dulled, but you're still with us (as opposed to falling down and blacking out).<P>Though I used alcohol heavily during my 20's and 30's and into my 40's, I was never what I consider a "serious alcoholic." Never had blackouts or forgotten weekends, never got "falling down drunk," never drank continuously, was never stopped for DWI. (Thanks, unk!) Did end up doing alcoholism therapy. But after I stopped drinking the first time, I never fell off the wagon until much, much later, after years and years of "clean and sober." I did go to some AA meetings and listened to stories of people I consider SERIOUS alcoholics and they were so much worse than mine that I really felt I was out of my league. So I went back to thinking about what my uncle had taught me, which was that there IS a real difference between heavy drinking and alcoholism.<P>Now I reconsider myself (if you want to get into labels) as a "heavy drinker" not an alcoholic. Being a heavy drinker means essentially that you can stop any time you want to and stay off until there's some real reason to start again, such as dulling the pain of realizing that your W is balling another guy. (Yo, comrade! Want to trade a couple of shots?! I know she was out with him this afternoon. You leave me freaking breathless, big guy.) Which is what I've been doing of late. But I don't go on "benders," never have and, from what I've seen and heard, don't recommend them.<P>In fact, I would recommend being alcohol free if you can do it. I always feel much, MUCH better doing my alcohol-free periods. You don't have to freaking WORRY about it, for one thing. And you know you're going to wake up the next day and actually be able to get out of bed and go to work.<P>Let me tell you a story. When my teenage kid came into my apt. one weekend with this evil grin on his face, I noticed he was carrying a half-gallon of Teacher's (my favorite scotch) sneakily under his jacket. I think his idea was to get drunk with the old man, who he knew was an "alcoholic." This was shortly after my divorce from my 1st W, his mother, and I know that he was in a lot of pain over this. Know what I did? Snatched the bottle from him, poured the whole $20 down the kitchen sink and gave him the standard lecture! He does drink now, but now I think and hope that HE knows how to handle it too.<P>I guess the upshot is this. Before my present pain, I wasn't drinking. Didn't want to, had no plans to, thought I'd exorcised this particular demon. (Demons are often named "comrade.") The pain of knowing that your W is cheating on you IS that bad! Gotta have an anesthetic. Booze is my drug of choice, I gotta say! Tried pot, tried other stuff, tried antidepressants. Think I like AD's least!<P>But anyway. No, don't go on a bender. That only opens you up to being labeled an alcoholic. If you feel you HAVE to drink, titrate your intake (as my wise Texas uncle advised). But try and not start in the first place.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Hey, Wex. It's Why Me, Success Story, Sandy, whatever you want to call me. Just call me a friend. Are you okay there? You're sending me out vibes of Glenn, and it's making me a little edgy. I think you've had more than you're "wise Uncle" recommended. You've given us more about you're identity tonight, than you have in the past six months.<BR>The last "bender" I went on, was in August, when we went to a morning wedding. THE sister was there (what else is new?) and during the course of the afternoon, we all had to form a circle around the happy couple. I was on my H's left side, and we were having a fun time, until SHE broke into the circle. She moved in on his right side. Like, there were at least 150 people there, and she jumps in, right beside him. She really does have an "in your face" attitude, sometimes!<BR>Soooo, being the smart? person that I am, I decided to have beer, with wine chasers. Ouch!!! Last think I REALLY remember was sitting in the lounge, with another sister's arms around me, the two of us crying like idiots, with my H , in his usual avoidance mode, trying to sweet talk me out of there, before I had anymore to drink. Well, just for that, I had two more glasses of wine. <BR>He drove home, with me laying in the back seat, moaning about how hot it was. I crawled up the stairs to the bedroom, and tried to undue the zipper on my dress for 10 minutes, before I realized the dress didn't have one. After tylenol, and gravol, I finally got to sleep.<BR>The moral of my story is this: While my sister went home and no doubt got it on with her man, I was the one with my head in the toilet half the night. Not getting any, I might add!! Ultimately, the only one who got hurt, was me. <BR>Don't do this to yourself. I know how you're hurting, but don't cause yourself any more pain. Besides, it's just more ammo she can use against you. BTW, my H never did mention that day to our counsellor, but then again, that would have opened the door for me to tell WHY I had gone overboard.<BR>Take care of yourself, I need you, hey, we all need you around here for a long time to come.<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Hey Wex,<BR>I beg to differ, there have been many times over the past 14 years that I wished my H were having an affair... at least there would have been a reasonable explanation for the alienating behavior. There were times when I would have been relieved to hear that he was having and affair, or even that he was gay, at least it would have explained his lack of interest in me and our marriage.<P>Not trying to get into a pissing match about who has it worse... it's all bad, when a spouse chooses to live in their addiction rather than live in their marriage. My h is a "heavy drinker" too. <P>Just because you are not an alcoholic doesn't mean you can't find some peace from the 12 steps... they work for anyone... think about it Wex, and take care. <p>[This message has been edited by yy (edited September 23, 1999).]

I'm a drinker myself, but I prefer to drink when socializing and having fun with people. But I can understand the pull that occurs when an emotional crises hits. It certainly happened to me when my marriage ended. Sitting out in the garage, reading self help books, drinking wine, and chain smoking. Yuck, what a mess that was!<P>When it starts to interfere with your ability to perform your duties and accomplish your goals, you have a problem. Oh ya and never drive drunk and all that.<BR>

Hi Wex<P>I don't have a drinking problem.. I drink, I get drunk and I fall down.. NO PROBLEM!... kidding...<P>I started smoking ciggs when my W let me down. Ciggs became my dependable friend. Always there when the need came, never to let me down. I love a stiff drink every now and then but I hate the thought of drinking to get rid of my problems. I am the kind of person who faces problems head on and squash them like a cockroach.<P>Take care and deal with the pain in a productive mannor. <P>

Wex my good friend, <P>I see you were having a pretty bad night. In reading your first post, I certainly will AMEN to what Harley wrote. The only thing worse that I can imagine is to have to go through it twice; which I see you are doing. I remember reading a quote from one of the many books I read that said, "the pain was so intense that when I got out of the chair I was sitting in I was surprised to see I wasn't sitting in a pool of blood." Ain't that the truth. <P>Prior to this mess, I wasn't much of a drinker, but like many I sought alcohol to numb the pain. I know that it's not the right way to handle suffering (I think we all know it), but the intensity is so severe that we seek something to release us if for only a short time. So, I understand your suffering. <P>Hang in there my friend. Don't get lost in the bottle. We are all here for you.<P>SHA