How can I know for sure that he is not in contact w/ her? He says it's over w/ her, and since she is thousands of miles away, I know they can't see each other. He SAYS he hasn't spoken to her or been in contact, but I don't believe him. I threatened to call her...but he said he'd leave me if I did. And right now I don't want to push to hard. He is so depressed about so much, not just the withdrawal symptoms of ending an affair, but money & other family problems ( his parents).

It's driving me nuts!

Until recently, I didn't really take it personally, but now I can see that all this is starting to affect my self-confidence in my ability to get through this.

I want to KNOW it is over! I want to call HER and give her a verbal beating! How can someone say they care (love) when they are doing something so hurtful?

Hi victorianspice...

I know I'm not going to be of much help to you, but I do have a few thoughts.

"I threatened to call her...but he said he'd leave me if I did."

I don't understand his response??? Did he say WHY he didn't want you to call her? His response would make me so suspicious.

Also, if you call her and she tells you it is indeed over, honestly, are you going to believe her? I know I wouldn't.

If it's NOT over, she could tell you that it IS over, because her and your husband have it planned to tell you that.

Or, if it IS over, she might tell you that it's NOT over, just to hurt you more and cause more problems in your marriage.

Also, as far as a verbal beating goes, she won't care. It would mean nothing to her. She may even laugh at you or hang up on you. I think it might send her the message that things aren't going so great for you & your husband. I would NOT want her to know that.

Nothing good would come of you calling her, and you'd still feel the same as you do now, if not worse.

IMHO

Isleepwithacat
Iseepwithacat@yahoo.com

What makes you think, calling her will give you the truth or the satisfaction you think you need? U need t/b convinced by the WS not the OP. The OP maybe boinking lots of guys and give you the skinny on the wrong one or just want to mess with your mind and make up stuff or tell you the truth. Would you be able to tell the difference?

Think..... use your brain and not your heart on this decision.

L.

Hi victorian!

It's up to your H to prove to you that he is in NC with the OW. His life should be an open book now. You should have access to his emails, voice mails, cell phone, etc. so that you can check all you want for assurance of NC.

Is he willing to do that for you and recovery of your M?

If not, I'd be suspicious of continued contact.

What else are are you guys doing? MC? IC?

Take care.

sss

Victorianspice, I vote you call her up and have a nice chat IF you think you can do so without exploding. Harley has often counseled folks to do this. He counseled one man to VISIT the OP and ask what his intentions were for his wife. It puts a face on the BS.

What you will probably find is that they may still be in contact and that your H is feeding her a load of crap about you.

He is probably lying to her, too, and that is why he is SO ADAMANT that you not call her. In my case, contacting the OW resulted in the affair ending THAT VERY DAY. My DH had told her we were separated and she was quite incensed when she found out the truth. It is not uncommon around here for an OP to dump the WS when he/she finds out that the WS has been lying to them.

So, call. But lay out some talking points so you can stay focused. And don't lose your cool.

And whatever you do, don't forewarn your H.

p.s. I second stillsosad's recommendations. He should be an open book to you in order to restore trust. You should be checking everything!

I third stillsosad. The burden of proof is upon your WH.

I told my FWH at one time that I would assume the A was ongoing unless he showed me proof it was not. There was no more questioning him after tha, he had to be forthcoming with information or I would act as though the A was still on (i.e. prepare myself to move on to Plan B).

I moved to Plan B even though I had NO PROOF the A was ongoing. He had said contact had stopped, but he was in such serious withdrawal, and was nasty and abusinve to the whole family, I aske dhim to leave, and he left abruptly. After recovery started I learned that contact had never ended, he was just craftier at hiding it.

It is likely, by his response to you about contacting the OW, that there is some sort of contact still going on...or he left the door open for her...

This is the answer for you as indicated by STILLSOSAD.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's up to your H to prove to you that he is in NC with the OW. His life should be an open book now. You should have access to his emails, voice mails, cell phone, etc. so that you can check all you want for assurance of NC.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After going through two false recoveries, this is your only answer. My FWH continues to do this and I continue to check. Calling the OW will give her an excuse to try to call him. I recommend staying away from the OW period. They are nutty, as Orchid is great about emphasizing.

Steve Harley did state to me to assume ongoing contact unless your H is willing to prove to you that there is not!