Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at
mbrestored@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 687
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 687 |
I had copied this from a year ago and had it in my email draft...It is a GREAT list and I know it will be a great help to many. THANKS Zizzycool.(I went ahead and numbered your list as it had question marks before each paragraph.) zizzycool
Member
Member # 30296
posted February 16, 2004 05:59 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the plan A of dos and donts. I copied it from others. You can add some more to the list if you like. I have to admit i was lousy at plan A. But there was prove that it worked when my WS said to me once that he prefered if i was raving jilted wife than a calm one. It does confuse them you know and that is what we want.
1. Do a 180 degree turnaround. If I feel angry for whatever he is doing and he is expecting angry, I will try to be happy. Must be consistent.
2. Get him to come home often so it will give me more time and opportunity to make a difference
3. Stop asking for more time, stop asking for truth, stop asking for honesty, stop asking for affection or any other emotional needs because he cannot give it now. He is in the fog
4. Asking and asking will push him farther and farther away.
5. If OW is being a friend that makes it possible for him to relax then I must also do the same trick as OW is doing.
6. Leave him alone and don’t asked about OW or any other personal thing
7. Be nice and look attractive.
8. If he talks about OW, I must be happy and not let the angry get in the way. Of if I feel that I cannot take the information then I will change the subject.
9. He is eating both cakes and there is nothing I can do about it. Resistant is futile.
10. If I am nice then he has nothing to complaint about and OW will start asking and he will have to tell her that we are getting along better. OW will not like it and may herself start to LB.
11. OW does not know about MB and I have the upper advantage.
12. OW is an angel in his eyes so I must fight to be better than her. Beat OW at her own game.
13. Every time I get upset it only pushes him to OW.
14. He is still here so I still have a chance to save my marriage but I must do an excellent Plan A.
15. Be his friend and not his wife. He needs a safe person to be with.
16. All affairs will run its course and end. I will strengthen my marriage from this experience but I must have some faith. I must be smart and use my head. Must be focus and not lose to my hurt and pain. Be patience.
17. If I lose it then I will be back to square one and all the effort that I have put it will not be any use. I have lost it once. DON’T DO IT AGAIN. Remember that one serious love busting can completely wreck 6 good months of Plan A. In his foggyland he only remembers the bad episode and not the many good episodes.
18. Remember that what you are doing now is also getting back at OW so stick to the plan. It is payback time.
19. Don’t push because the more you push the more he will dig his feet in. Pushing will make him feel like he is being control.
20. Plan A is to show him that there is happiness in this marriage before proceeding into Plan B. Must create new memories of a loving, committed, dedicated spouse.
21. Don’t punish him or make him guilty
22. Don't do a Plan A expecting something in return. Do Plan A because you love him and that you'll be there for him when this fantasy fog lifts. Don’t expect anything to happen so soon.
23. Don’t remind him of his sins and guilt. Don’t talk anything that reminds him of his guilt. He is still undecided and reminding him of his sins and quilt will not help me.
24. You can’t make him love you. He is struggling himself and trapped in his addiction. He cannot decide. Pushing him will not help him to decide but only to push him further away.
25. Give him all the EN. It will built his love for you so it will match that love he has for OW. This will confuse him.
26. Give Plan A two weeks and do a good Plan A
--------------------
BS age 38 WS-age 38
Known 19 years Married 10 years
DD 6
Sep 03 DDay
Have had 3 False recoveries. Done
Plan A & Plan B
25/11/04 Minimum contact.
June 05 Plan D I would add just one thing...Have your home neat and uncluttered...Let it be a HAVEN to come home to....just as the OW is probably quiet and peaceful. I hope this list helps and I put it in bold print as I think it would be a great message to print and study. Love, Julie and thanks again Ziggy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,719
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,719 |
Thank-you. Needed that so much this am.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 35
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 35 |
I like your post a lot.
Would you say we could boil it down further to:
- Best the best person you can be, taking care of yourself and acting in a postive, kind way
- Ignore the A and everything related to it
- Express feelings about A and continuance, but don't bring it up
- Wait for them to come back and initiate physical/emotional contact
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
BLESSED added: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> would add just one thing...Have your home neat and uncluttered...Let it be a HAVEN to come home to....just as the OW is probably quiet and peaceful </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is extremely important! FWH has repeatedly stated that OW provided a "SANCTUARY".
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,042
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,042 |
This is sooo true. I did all these things and it worked! FWH dumped OW and came home. I never asked about her, never even brought her up. When he came over I was pleasant and always made sure the house looked great. If he stopped by unexpectantly and I already had plans, I kept my plans and left. I'd make chocolate chip cookies for my Mom and give him the extra's (at least that's what I told him, I really made them just for him). I went on vacation and sent him e-mails telling him what a great time I was having. I did everything expecting nothing in return. That way if things didn't work out, I would be left with a clean conscience. I would have known I had done everything possible to save my marriage. I would not have to look at my daughter with shame when she asked why Mommy and Daddy didn't live together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 16 |
Great post.
Can someone also summarize Plan A for me please? I'd appreciate that. It seems similiar to DivorceBusting.
Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 687
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 687 |
Hi 'Seperated Hubby'. The first post on this thread IS a summary of Plan A...I would advice anyone trying to do a GOOD Plan A to print it and follow it closely. Would you happen to mean you would like to see a summary of Plan B? If so, I imagine it is on the Home page. Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> P.S. Is your 'story' posted somewhere?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 687
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 687 |
Hi 'zizzycool'. I noticed this morning that you had posted yesterday. I was wondering if you had noticed this thread with your wonderful Plan A list. Thank you from MANY for summarizing Plan A. Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
|
|
|
|
1 members (BillTages),
220
guests, and
65
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,491
Members71,965
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
|
|
