I have had 2 false recoveries. Each time H says he is breaking it off with her I want to roll my eyes. Last night he told me he told her to move out. She cried for days and is now trying to show him what it will be like without her. Such as she stopped cooking, cleaning, and so on.
He said he didnt care. He is looking for a place for her to live. I asked why was he doing it. He said becuase if he doesnt she will never leave.
That I really do believe!

We have had 2 false recoveries. Im afraid it will happen again. First time was June 04. I even gave my 30 day notice and 2 weeks before I was to move home he casually mentioned he was seeing her that night. I got angry and he acutally said" Your not moving home for 2 more weeks, why cant I see her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I wanted to kick his dumb head off. I didnt move home and scrambled to find a new place for son and I.
2nd false recovery was Sept 04. This time I didnt make plans to move home right away. He told her it was over. She actually cause the break up with her drama. Suicide threats, storming out, crying if he talked to me. He promised he was through and would never even talk to her again. So he and I decided to make it work. One Friday he was sitting on my couch and I asked what we were doing that weekend. I had a friend over here at the time.(meaning I have a witness that Im not insane) He said " oh son and I have other plans" I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT! THE OW WAS BACK. Of course I asked and he confirmed. I couldnt believe it.

So now Im feeling gun shy about his latest talk of them breaking up. I dont want to LB this and I dont want to be stupidly naive either. I know I need to have him send N/C letter and make sure we are on the same break up page. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

UGH!!!!!! This is making me crazy.

cookie, reading your bio I am wondering if your H believes in monogamy? Some folks don't believe there is anything wrong with adultery. Is this the case with him? If he does end this current affair, what would lead you to believe he wouldn't just start another one?

Cookies,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I got angry and he acutally said" Your not moving home for 2 more weeks, why cant I see her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm no expert but I have read some of your posts.
Does WS think he can just jump back and forth between the two of you?

I think you need to do something to let him know you are serious and this is NOT ok!!! Plan B maybe?

from another of your posts:
[QUOTE]He thinks that if he is a big enough jerk that OW will leave, then he isnt the bad guy. Can we say passive-agressive? Yeah baby, make that OW leave you and lets save our M, that is the way...be a big idiot and I win you! At this point he is looking like a booby prize./QUOTE]


This makes me so mad to read this. My WH did something similar. His OW had told him to stop contacting her after I found out about the A, but he just kept right on anyway, for about two more months.
He has no self control at all and I am just realizing how addictive his personality is. (After 12 years of marriage.) I now realize how blind I have been. I realize all the stupid financial mistakes he has made, spending above our means. I never spoke up, just figured he knew what he was doing! ***NOT***

It seemed he felt best if OW ended it I think. Then he didn't have to make that move and always be left to wonder if he'd made the right decision. (Picking me or her.) I do feel like I am his second choice. He basically told me that I am his second choice - 3 months ago when I found out about the A.

We've come a long way in the past 3 months. He only truly stopped contacting her 9 days ago but in spite of that, our relationship has grown a lot in the past 3 months, and I am hoping he is feeling that I am the right choice.

Either that, or he is a damn good liar. I know from experience that he is actually a horrible liar because he couldn't keep too much from me.
Either he'd admit a lie later, or OW would tell me the truth and he'd have to admit the lie anyway. There were some very angry moments!!

I just want to let you know that you don't have to stand for this. You can be a strong person. It will go on a long time if you let it. That is the key. Do not let it.
best of luck to you!!

Suzy

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: suzychapstick ]</small>

Ask him to explain how being 'nice' to the OW is going to get her out of his life? If he says, if I don't she will threaten to hurt him or his family, tell him to take that risk. You can always file an RO.

If he insists, let him know that his words and actions tell you he isn't commited to his family and he needs to follow through with the D (providing you are ready to accept it). Let him know he will have to work hard to end the M or save the M. Either way he will have to put forth effort. No open arms will await the WS. Only waiting for your H to show up.

R U up to that? BTW, mine did similar. More than 4 false recoveries. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> With each time, my standards for return went up, not down. Told him it could get sooo high he could never come back. That was the chance he took each time he went backwards.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid~ You are so right on. I will let him know his breaking up style <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> isnt cutting it with me. I just hate having to explain why being the good guy and making this break up drag out and making sure she is ok is making us NOT ok. DUH H!! Her feelings or mine. Simple as that. Well you would think anyways. WS has a way of justifing everything he does. Im the one always at fault.

Melody~ I dont believe he is a serial cheater. I have known this man since we were 13. I can look back now and see what happened. Im not making excuses for him or myself but I totally see what happened. When he is actually being H, not WS, he sees it as well. Maybe I will have to sit and write out the story so it all makes sense.

Suzy~ I dont know what WS thinks. H seems to know this is wrong and can rationally discuss it. WS cannot. Your absolutely right. I dont have to stand for this and my love bank is slowly draining. I will be going to plan B if their break up continues like this. My H does not lie to me. He is brutally honest. If I ask a question, I make sure I really want the answer.....Now he does withhold info, but if I ask he will tell.

So from the way things are looking I will be going to Plan B. If he thinks that moving OW in with his grandmother or another friend in our area is working on reconciling, hes wrong. I need to make it very clear what I need.

IMHO, until he is willing to carry his share of the guilt (which s/b most of it)...... he isn't ready or worthy of recovery. So for him to get any recovery benefit (even ego stroking, reassuring stuff), he needs to give you proof that can be put to the test. That is undeniable proof to convince you he is genuine.

The problem is that the BS often shows he/she are tooo anxious to get their mate back and take back a WS instead of an Xws or spouse.

JMHO,
L.