Hello Everyone!

This is my first post to this site and I will try to sum up my story briefly.

I found out 12/6 that my 27-year-old WH had been having an EA/PA with a 36-year-old married mother of three. The PA was only six weeks old at the time. He went NC with her on 12/7 and agreed to try to work on the marriage for the sake of our baby. We started therapy with our first MC immediately.

On New Years Eve, I asked him to leave as he had spent the previous three weeks moping around the house and generally being unremorseful, doing very little to heal me, and generally not accepting responsibility for what he had done. For example, he would say, "I'm sorry you are hurting," NOT, "I'm sorry I hurt you".

He moved out to his his parent's house on New Year's Day and re-estabilshed his A with the MOW. During this time, I felt that our current MC was doing more harm than good, so I scheduled an appointment with a new therapist for just me, since things were not going well and WH's A was on-going. He asked if he could join me and I said yes. On 1/26 MOW's BH confronted my WH at work over the phone. WH ended the A again with MOW. To my knowledge, he has neither seen nor spoken to her since 1/27.

At that time, I went NC, talking to hiim only about our baby and finances. We continued to see our new therapist individually and this week, I decided that I was tired of living in limbo, and at my IC's (who is also my WH's IC and our MC) suggestion, I pushed him off the fence to see where he would land. WH said that he wanted out. He said that he was still "in love" with MOW and was not "in love" with me.

Here's the thing. His words and actions are totally inconsistent with one another. He has NEVER said the word divorce to me. When he called later that night, he said that he was torn, and very hurt, and eat up with guilt.

I have given him the e-book from aftertheaffair.net and also some other infidelity related articles as he had done no reading on infidelity and believes that his situation is one in a million. He is still very deep in the fog.

So my question is this, do I Plan A him now? Sweetness and the whole nine yards? What specifically should I be doing? Or, do I Plan B to show him what life would be like without me and the baby?

Your help, time, experience, and expertise are GREATLY appreciated!!

If I were you, I would read here about Plan A and decide whether you are able to and want to commit to it. I don't believe it's too late to do Plan A in your case but just make sure that you understand what it entails since it can be very hard to do.

It sounds to me like you haven't really done Plan B since Plan B, to be effective, should be preceded by a good Plan A. IMHO what you have done is more like what Dobson recommends in "Love Must Be Tough", precipitate a crisis and force WS to decide.

In what way was MC doing more harm than good?

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: legato ]</small>

Plan A, plan A, plan A! He needs to be attracted back to you by meeting his needs and avoiding lovebusters. I would get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and read it as fast as you can. It will give you some good insight about what has happened here.

He is very confused right now so it will be important for you to show him a path back to you.
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Has he ended all contact with the OW? Have you spoken to the OWH?

What is it about the OW that you think attracted him to her? What was your marriage like before this happened?

As a comparison between our new and old therapist, I can see just how bad our former therapist was. For instance, she never did any IC, and at one point in our MC she said, "So AdamsOnlyOne is BEGGING", and I cut her off and said, "I am NOT begging", to which she replied, "Did it sound like she was begging?" I knew right then that she was not the one for us. Also, she did not offer any advice contructive information, NOTHING.

Our current therapist met with us first together, and then said that he wanted to meet with us in IC. He said that we both needed to work on ourselves before we worked on the M.

I sent an e-mail to the MOW's BH, reaching out to him as another human being and as a BS. His reply was spiteful and hate filled. I realize now that he found it easier to be angry at me than his WW.

I though our marriage was good. At d-day, we had a 17-month-old daughter. We had considerable stressors in our relationship in the two years prior....unplanned pregnancy, trip to Europe, birth of our daughter, due to nursing our baby, had to go off my anti-depressants, bought our first house, I lost the grant funding for my job, accepted another job which paid $12K less, financial stress, WH didn't receive a promotion that he had wanted. He said that he was unhappy and had bottled it up for years. I read "Not Just Friends" and found that I was a stingray--I stung with my words while he clammed up. I have also read "Love Must Be Tough". He never said a word about being unhappy. At that time, I was eager to get back to "us" after having focused so much time on the baby.

Since then, I have gotten back on my AD meds and it has made a world of difference.

Oh, we are high school sweethearts, and until he defiled himself with this MOW, were each other's only sexual experience. That was special about us and what hurts me the most.

I think my WH has a "Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome". I have been told that the MOW pursued my WH heavily and fed him sob stories of how her BH had moved her and their three children all round the US while he had moved up the corporate ladder, how unhappy she was, ad infinitum, all while stroking my WH's ego, telling him how attractive, how special, how much she respected him, etc. Worthy of note....she is the physical equivalent of me.

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: AdamsOnlyOne ]</small>

My compliments for your perceptive analysis of bad therapist. It seems that a good therapist is hard to find.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, we are high school sweethearts, and until he defiled himself with this MOW, were each other's only sexual experience. That was special about us and what hurts me the most.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So sorry for this. That's gotta hurt.

Good advice from Mel (Mel - we've got to stop meeting like this). Arm yourself with knowledge. Develop a plan using the tools available here. Lots of good people here. Keep posting as to developments and any questions you have.

AOO, do you think the OW made your H feel admired? Often that is the underlying need behind the knight-in-shining-armour syndrome. Do you think he feels admired by you? The point I am trying to make here is that it will be important to determine what his key needs are in order to start meeting them. That is what it will take to attract him back into the marriage.

Does that make sense? It is hard encapsulate this principle in a simple paragraph, though, and that is I would hope you would get the book I recommended. This is a very effective principle that could be a great benefit to your marriage right now.

Has he ended contact with the OW?

And why was the OWH hateful to you? What did he say?

[howdy legato! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

Melody and everyone!

Yes, I think she did give him his need for admiration. Additionally, she provided sex. Unfortunately, I also admired him very much, and would have been thrilled with more sex....he just never asked and I never pursued.

He has said that he loves me, but is not "in love" with me, which through our conversations, has made be believe it has something to do with sexual desire.

So I don't know what to do to make him feel admired or what to do to desire me sexually.

I have been asking his opinion on a variety of things, and especially those he has some expertise. But here's the kicker....how do you admire a cheater? Especially without it coming off as false?

And how do I fill his sexual needs when he seems disinterested?

Please help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AdamsOnlyOne:
<strong>At that time, I went NC, talking to hiim only about our baby and finances. We continued to see our new therapist individually and this week, I decided that I was tired of living in limbo, and at my IC's (who is also my WH's IC and our MC) suggestion, I pushed him off the fence to see where he would land. WH said that he wanted out. He said that he was still "in love" with MOW and was not "in love" with me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In effect, this IC "landed" you right in Plan B, perhaps prematurely.

Have you spoken with OW's H?

I suggest you do to get the lay of the land on that side of the fence. DO NOT believe anything your H says about it.

I did e-mail OW's BH...reaching out to him as another human being and betrayed spouse.

He spat venom and hatred back at me through the e-mail. My only guess is that it was easier for him to be angry at me than at his wife, who, by her affair, "invited" me and my WH into their lives. I said nothing hateful and was actually quite compassionate in the original e-mail, and sent no reply.

I check WH's mobile log daily, as when the affair was ongoing, he called her daily. This, along with other signs, lead me to believe/know that the A is no longer ongoing.

So yes, I went prematurely into Plan B, and now that the A is over, I would like to plan A it.

I baked brownies for him Friday night. He had a look of stunned disbelief on his face when I told him that they were for him.

So, what to do? How do I make him feel admired? What do I do to rekindle sexual desire if we are not living together and he says that he doesn't think of me "that way"? How do I Plan A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I make him feel admired?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Walk down memory lane with him and admire things he's done in the past pre-A days.

If he says something very direct and honest, praise him for his candor ... even if you do not like his message, you appreciate his willingness to speak openly with you.

Catch him being good. For instance, playing with the kids ... say "When you play with the kids, they are so joyful. It really makes them feel special when you play horsie on your knees."

Become a little less independant around the house. Ask him to help you do some manly things... not the usual 'take out the garbage' but ask him to explain to you how something works.... perhaps something about the car.

Let him catch you looking at him sideways ... and then suddenly look away. When he asks you "What?" .... say "The curve of your mouth is so inviting." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

just some random thoughts~~~~

Pep

Pep,

I love your ideas!

Do you think admired=needed?

I have been thinking about sending him something to his work--flowers/candygram/something. Everyone at his work knows about the A (small town), but says nothing to him about it. By doing his, I would want him to know that I want everyone to know that he is worth it and I will fight for him. Is this a wise course of action or too much?

Keep in mind--he's leaning toward D and we are separated.

Anyone else with ideas on reclaiming sexual desire? We have a baby that I nurse and our therapist said that often times, men stop looking at their wives sexually once they become mothers. I think that if this is the case, it is exacerbated by my nursing (something he whole-heartedly supports), because my breasts--formerly a source of eroticism and pleasure for him--for both of us--now has a baby attached!haha!

I think, perhaps, I can work to use admiration to build up sexual desire, but would still like concrete examples.

Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I think, perhaps, I can work to use admiration to build up sexual desire, but would still like concrete examples.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have some sexy phone conversations with him ....

Call him late at night ...tell him you are touching yourself. See what happends! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Pep

I did it!

This morning, I sent an e-mail to WH, mostly discussing business, but the last think in the e-mail was this:

"I miss you. I think the part I miss the most about you is that place on the front of your hip, where the skin is very smooth...you know where!; )"

Pray for me and keep your fingers crossed. I want to make him feel admired and to know that *I* at least, desire him sexually, and hopefully that's half the battle!