How long did the A last once it was exposed?

This might mean counting from d day or some time later.

Dr. Harley has stated that As normally end within 6 months of being exposed. Some might take longer and up to 2 years is accepted by him. Let us find out what the experience of the people on this board.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: cc46 ]</small>

I came over from IR as you requested. Could you have made a spot for NC began on DDay? May give you a better picture. I checked the "less than one month" but NC from me was immediate.

Sorry Racer. I have no idea how to edit the poll question or answers.
BUT there are 2 situations: when the A immediately ends on d day and the ones that don't. I'm interested in the ones that don't, because they are the ones that are referred to as ending in less than 6 months of a natural death according to Dr. Harley.

If somebody tells me how I will add an option for d day NC.
Thanks for your info.

I exposed my ww's A in July and went to Plan B in Dec and now A is over and she is begging to come home..I was a mess but I walked in on her job one friday when she was talking to OM, She came home to a Plan B letter ( SORTA ) and me and the children moved out. so I would say six months or a little less for me..


Good Luck

cc46,

I don't vote b/c A is not yet ended. It is still going on after 3.5 years from d-day and about 2+ years after my Dv was finalized.

Just to give in my 2¢ about this ... it depends on many variables !. How long A is going on before D-day ?. How good the M before the A ?. Any kids ?. How bad was your contribution to the mess ?. How good OP is fillin WS's ENs ?. How bad the WS's fantasy is ? How much good BS avoiding LB's ? ... etc, you get the picture.

-rh-

I am with Racer, my H's affair ended the SECOND I exposed it.

Unfortunately, I am with redhat on this one...My xh had simultaneous affairs...one with "soulmate" ow, and another with OW much younger who got preggers deiliberately. I did not discover affair with ow2, because he was also seeing primarily ow1...ow2 was rather "hidden" but when it came out and she moved in with him, it was within 3 weeks of ow1 breaking up and me finally seeing everything...

So far, he married the ow and they've been married a year and almost 2 months. According to accounts from his secretary and her H, he has been cheating with ow1...or other ow...for approx. 8 months.

His whole family knew about affair #1...A #2 ws not in their opinion, straw that first broke camel's back, but the whole "hey your son is having an affair" thing didn't have the "punch" it would have had if there was only 1 ow...so my scenario is a bit wierd.

I do see the whole affair marriage breaking down. X is still outta control from accounts given to me...and trust me, I don't ask. It's just told to me.

I go weeks without contact with my xh. If I do, it's about my son or residual finances. And then every so often, he will force contact...this week for example, sends me funny political email and photo to me because it used to be an inside joke to me. I delete it. Can tell by the frequency of contact that things aren't so great in affairsville for him...it's sad but what can you do? When you get enough space from somebody fogged out in lala land, you truly learn to appreciate the peace.

I think most affairs die out for one primary reason...If somebody moves out, divorces, for ANOTHER person, without first mourning the marriage, learning anything about their downfall or contribution to end of marriage, or is in any way not accountable at all for their actions, they carry this crud into this new relationship and it's that much more toxic. Thus, it's an uphill battle all the way.

Even if EN's are met, if op marry ws, unless there's been true self reflection, changes in life/behaviors, and real accountability in person, new affair marriage doesn't stand a dog's chance...

I would give affair marriages a max of five years.

Thank you for the answers. I know every case is different and it is interesting to see how they differ. It is interesting that of the first few answers we already have 2 cases where As have lasted more than 2 years.

I agree with JustPeachy that no marriage can be good when born from an A, but then some marriages aren't good anyway. My niece was married for 1 year and that was the first divorce in the family after my grandparents! In her case there was no A.

I think this poll will have interesting results and extreme cases are to be expected.

I won't vote either, as my now XH's affair is still going on and he and OW are engaged. It's been 1.5 years for them, and I exposed the A to everyone I could think of as soon as it went to a PA (11/03).

But I think it depends on what type of M you had prior to the A, morals/beliefs of the WS, and a host of other things.

In our case, while I loved him dearly (still do care a lot), we had a rocky M. He is an alcoholic. I tried to change that and make him someone he's not. He found out things about me after the DV was filed that go back a long way, but I found out today from my daughter that they caused him to not try and stop the DV.

So there are a lot of factors for us. I think if the M was fairly healthy before the A, there's a good chance the A will end and the M can be recovered.

LL

I exposed H's affair the minute I found out on March 2, 2004....it is still going on today...now with a new baby...he tried to end it with OW many times, but always went back to her...

If you are trying to find out how long your Hs affair will last, there is no answer to that question...Many BS's want to go off of what others experience and go off of Harley's data of 6 months or whatever...then are disappointed when that time comes and goes...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If somebody moves out, divorces, for ANOTHER person, without first mourning the marriage, learning anything about their downfall or contribution to end of marriage, or is in any way not accountable at all for their actions, they carry this crud into this new relationship and it's that much more toxic. Thus, it's an uphill battle all the way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here, here.

I voted, because the A has been at least two years, and no matter how bad the data look, he is still in her hovel (which complicates leaving; he has no place of his own and does not like uncertainty).

In my case, the WH has a mountain of pre-existing problems, including sexual addictions and "falling in love" addiction and heaven knows what else. Problems I couldn't begin to touch.

I take no credit for the break-up of the M. I had shortcomings, sure, but I loved him to pieces and did the very best I could. I couldn't overcome his 10,000 devils. Wasn't my job, really. He's made his own hell. OW is bonkers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>I voted, because the A has been at least two years, .... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And still going.

I beleive cc46 is looking for A that ended after 2 or more years.

-rh-

Cancel my vote, then.

All answers are interesting. I don't know how to cancel a vote but even if it could be done I wouldn't. I would like everyone to answer the truth because that would guarantee a more trustworthy picture of the length of As, although we have to take into account that it is referring to the people who frequent MB. That means that the results refer to people who at least have made an effort to recover their marriage after and A. There are probably lots of people out there (most people actually) who do not even try initially to save their marriage and there are lots of people who live with the A without exposing it or doing anything about it. I know people like that, willing to remain with their S in spite of an affair.
So yes, there are many different situations but it would be nice to confirm Dr. Harleys statement.
The logic for As to end is "very logical".
But reading on this website one sees many cases where the A lasts longer than 6 to 12 months and I hate to draw conclusions from impressions. That is why I decided to ask the question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong> Cancel my vote, then. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't mean it that way, as in any poll, there are margin of err.

-rh-

cc46:

It took 3 months after D-Day to get my FWW to quit her job which then ended all contact with the OM. Ending all contact finally ended the affair, which was crucial for our recovery to begin.

TooSoon

Well, I guess we are in the ending immediately category. He ended the affair and only talked to her via IM cuz I insisted it be clear that HE ended it.

My first husband was a different story though. Exposure seemed to force the two them together more, it was them against the world. He married her and then commited suicide.

Tiggy

I won't vote either. As far as I know the EA was 2 months and the PA has been ongoing for 11 months in March. It's very difficult to determine whether the affair will turn to marriage, but knowing the OP is truly in love with my husband (my husband tells me that he doesn't know if he's in love with her, but is with her!?), it's difficult to gauge.

hoping for more votes to support Dr. Harley's data

bump