Ok - I need some advice. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. Some of you know I write H a letter once a weeks or so - news from home, light, entertaning, end w/ love you. That's it. I've been good and not discussed our relationship since the night he left home. I also don't talk about Sweetie (except once - I asked if he wanted to marry her to which he replied "H*** no, I'm a married man" - whatever that means) Through the grapevine, I've learned that Sweetie's cut him off from contact w/ EVERYONE - including his family. I've also learned that the few times anyone talks w/ him (he has to sneak phone calls - in fact he called me Monday night and whispered "I'll be by to see you guys tomorrow night, but he must've gotten caught - never showed. ), he DOES talk about me and d. But he's still having problems and feels as if he's trash (sometimes I find THAT one hard to argue w/, but.....I know he's not inside). He told me on the phone Monday morning that he could never come home again - out of the blue. I asked why and the answer was that I told him we could not afford cable - HUH??? Like I said, he's stressed and not making sense. MIL says that he doesn't feel worth anything and that he can't look back because he doesn't feel he's worth forgiving. It's hard to let someone know they're worth a lot when you hardly ever see or talk w/ them. I keep wanting to write him a letter, not really about us or her or our marriage, but about HIM as a person and what kind of person he REALLY is in my eyes (the old H, ya know) and about the power of forgiveness and love. Trouble is, I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Is this a lovebuster? Is it too much pressure? Should I just let Sweetie keep isolating him until he's destroyed or gets mad and fights back? I'm still having trouble believing that my strong independent and macho H is being so controlled by a little girl (19 - but way more street smart than most of the people I know put together!!) Just stay w/ my light and airy letters? I don't know why I all of a sudden feel so strongly that I need to remind him of the man he really is.<P>I posted a similar thread, but only got Cheryl's response. Can some more of you tell me what you think?<P>Thanks,<P>Lori

lostva, I admire your fortitude. I would have given up in the face of what you have to contend with. You've done great, and you probably only have to keep this up a while longer...from what I've read of your situation, it sounds like she's taking her toll on him, and the bloom will soon be off the rose.<P>Stay light, and let "sweetie" isolate him. He should get fed up with it soon.

Oh, Lori - this a hard one.<P>What usually happens when you trust your instinct? Are we sometimes fearful of our innervoice?<P>He is isolated from everyone but still contacting you? Why, is he isolated? Guilt? Because of disapproval from his family? He must feel safe talking to you, or he wouldn't be contacting you. It is just he doesn't have the privacy to contact you openly? <P>I don't know if I would bring that stuff up, unless I felt really strong about it inside - like a little nudge from God telling me to take a chance. Then, if I decided God was giving me the wisdom to do that, I would do it.<P>Nellie seems to have the same sort of situation that you have. Her husband will contact her and speak freely about certain issues with her, from his work, when OW is not around. But he is not free to make his own decisions when she is. She pages him when he comes to the door just to pick up the kids.<P>In this case, I would say this OW is putting many demands on the husband, and you wouldn't want to do the same. Demands are lovebusters, and that is what we want the OW to do, right? Not you. But if you give him some sort of encouraging words, and no lovebusters or demands, disrespectful judgements or blame games then it seems it would be okay.<P>Only you know in your heart what the best approach with your husband is.<P>Sending prayers your way! ((hugs))<P>TNT

HI Lostva -<P>This is exactly the kind of thing that I have been mulling over.....I am (like you) not sure if I should or not!!!<P>I HAVE to communicate something......We have gone so long with just everyday stuff or addressing an inflammatory problem that I have no control over, that nothing has been looked at about anything!!! Do you understand what I mean?<P>I want to tell him the good that I appreciated and the growth that we accomplished together.......<P>My tenth wedding anniversary is nextweek and I was supposedto be in Disneyworld!!<BR>I've been stuck in Fastasyland - so Iguess that's as close as I am getting!!<P>I hope you getsome good responses - if you don't mind I'm going to follow alongwith you!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

CiNYC - Thanks, I think, unless "admire your fortitude" is synonimous with "I can't BELIEVE how stupid this woman is" which is how I think of myself most of the time!!! LOL!!! I've written 3 letters and stopped myself from mailing them in the last 3 days! I've managed to confuse myself - not a difficult task these days, I'm afraid!<P>TnT - I NEVER trust my innervoice anymore!! <P> Sweetie sold her car one day and now has NO transportation w/out him. After he left that Saturday he spent all day w/ us (talking a LOT about how he should just come home), he's not been able to get away from her at all. Can't leave her w/out a car w/ a 2year old to take care of, right? (she was angry he was here all day while she just had to sit home - her little one got sick and she couldn't take her to the doctor!!)He was calling his mom and dad and stopping by to see them, but mom won't have Sweetie there so now he won't come (although he was by himself before a lot when he came and one of his sisters lets Sweetie come and he doesn't return HER calls either). When him mom calls there, Sweetie gets mad - makes rude comments in the background. After his siezure friday night, he took an hour off work on Monday am to call me at work - partially blasting me, partially worried about himself and partially blasting not being able to breath or go anywhere.<P>It's a nagging feeling - enough to get me to start writing, but then something stops me from mailing. I'm just starting to feel that God is LISTENING again, I don't trust myself to interpret signs at all.<P>6 months ago, I'd trust my judgement w/ him. Now, it's not him anymore - that darned alien!! You're right - this IS a hard one. Hey, that's why I turned to you guys!!<P>Sheba - doesn't it just drive you NUTS???? Needing to say things and not being able to. I write and re-write a thousand times to make sure NOTHING is misinterpreted. Our anniversay is 10/12 - I'm dreading it! I always though fantasyworld would be more fun than this, didn't you??<P>Thanks for the input, guys.<P>OK - I could use some more.<P>Lori<P>------------------<BR>-Lori

Rewind to 1996.<P>We were separated, and he was pretty much in la la land. Kind of like your husband. He called everynight the last 4 months, he was in MN I was in CA.<P>I had forgotten about this, but maybe this will help you. I wrote him like crazy. I finally decided to write him all the things I wanted to say to him in a spiral notebook. I dated everything, and would write everything down.<P>I even wrote my prayers for him that day. I had gotten the idea, because a friend in college was a Christian, and a virgin - and she was keeping a prayer journal for her future husband that she hadn't yet met. She gave it to him on her wedding night. (What a gift, huh?)<P>Okay, so I did the journal/letters/prayer deal, and revisited it often to measure the progress in my prayer life for my marriage and my husband. <P>I remember that when I moved here, that I threw it away - as kind of a closing of that painful separation.<P>Maybe this would help?<P>Don't throw your letters away, just yet!

OOOHHH - good idea. I've tried to sit down and journal - used to do it all the time, but I always wind up writing to him anyway. He's the one I want to say things to. I won't throw away the letters. Start keeping them. If nothing else, it'll give me some insight into ME, which I'm really lost on these days.<P>Maybe I'll keep writing him the normal things and add an extra meaningful sentence - if I can say it right without sounding - uh, you know.<P>Thanks.

Hi Lori,<P>You probably don't want my advice again <P>Love ya,<BR>Cheryl

Can’t afford cable? I thought I was the only one with a weird spouse. She told me I didn’t buy white bread!<P>Sorta tells ya’ what frame of mind they are in.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Lori--<P>I've been keeping up with your posts. I obviously haven't had much to say, thus my silence, but I've been mulling over your situation. <P>I agree, the journal idea is very, very good. Besides, how do you know he received the notes you sent? Sweetie is capable of blocking. Unbelievable...selling her car then upset when his wasn't available; my take on that is a great manipulation--if she's selling her car = money troubles = probably wouldn't have taken baby to doctor anyway. I'd certainly feel bad if her little one genuinely was sick enough to see a doctor, but with her cutting-off-family techniques I just don't think that was really the case. She's sending him down a guilt-trip road and it's working!<P>With your psychology background, could your H have latched onto this situation in an attempt to forget the "bad years?" As in, propelling himself back to a time before his bad experience occurred? Almost seems like she and her little one are substitutes for you and your daughter, but younger versions, therefore, HE is younger? Reality avoidance. I do wonder if jolting him with a visit FROM you, there, would do any good. And I'm referring to Deb's visit to her H while he was living with OW...waltzing in under a helpful guise. <P>Two ways to look at this, and only you can assess which you think is more helpful. I feel you're doing a remarkable job at remaining in Plan A. He knows you're there and waiting. There's comfort in that. Playing the waiting game could very well do the trick; he's GOT to eventually feel claustrophobic with her terms of no family contact. But, since I'm questioning his motives for wanting to be with her in the first place (his own inability to face his terrible experience), this may not play out in a normal manner.<P>Have you considered a Plan B? <P>Let us know what's happening. <P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Thanks, guys.<P>Cheryl - see my email, ok?<P>Chris - Can't believe some of the reasons! Actually, they've been a little helpful. I've been able to sift a little and see that during my mom's illness and after my dad's death, there were a couple of emotional needs that I was ignoring. If he hadn't been over-worked, worried and grieving as well, my temporary lapse might have been ok - as it was, our emotions kinda AMPLIFIED everything. But it's hard to think of REASON when they're not thinking reasonably, isn't it?<P>Lucks - I send the letters and cards to his mom's house. Up until the last couple of weeks, he was stopping by mom's and ASKING if there was anything. She said he'd sit and read them over and over, then talk to her about the things I said. Now that he doesn't come by anymore, Pop takes them to his office and meets him there in the afternoon - personally gives them to him. Sometimes there's one from his mom as well. Now, whether he reads them or not - no I know he has because he's talked about some of the stuff with me and that's how he gets news of our daughter's life. <P>When he talked w/ me Monday, he rambled a little about his family trying to run his life- he's always been VERY close to them, so close it could've been a problem a couple of times if I weren't so wonderful! LOL! The things he was saying sounds like they're from someone else, not him. He's easily manipulated when he thinks someone NEEDS him - that's his big weakness, always has been. He's constantly taken advantage of.<P>You know, one of his sisters says that Sweetie STRONGLY resembles H's h-school, early adult girlfriend. They were actually going to marry at one point, but realized they were just kids. You idea that he was trying to "go back" is a pretty good one. Everyone here feels that way too. The weird thing is that no one sees any love or affection - in her or in him. He just talks about having to keep the promises he made (and why they are more important than the ones he made to us - well, alien again, I guess). <P>He already feels imprisoned. That's obvious. Why he stays is not so obvious. He looks awful, tired, not sleeping, not eating, losing weight, had some kind of chest cold since a week after he left (8/5) - can't even talk w/out wheezing. Last Friday had the first seizure in more than 20 years. (Set up for a physical w/ our dr next Tues.) Hard to imagine the fantasy affair "high" when he seems to be struggling so much - and always has - even before he left. He gave up the business he had been building, stopped taking college courses, even tho he's an "A" student. Stopped fishing w/ his brothers. Everything. So difficult at work that he's been called in and warned about his attitude. (Thank heavens for in-law spies!) <P>I've been trying to be there, even though his contact w/ us is minimal (almost like he's plan B-ing US!). I try to make this the safe, comfortable place, me the understanding friend. Could be a mistake, I guess, but I'm not really angry. I can't get angry - I just feel sorry for him. The therapist says that this "emotional crash" shook his very core, mostly because he's the kinda man who's always been so strong for EVERYONE. Who knows? But I know THIS is not the man I've known all these years. In fact, that's one of his statements "I'm the man I've always hated!". At least he's not talking about killing himself anymore.<P>Not ready for Plan B yet. Don't think I could do it. The time will come, I know. Set a 6 month time limit, I'll re-evaluate every month or so.<P>Thanks for the input guys. I'm home sick w/ the flu today - Yuk! Maybe I'll go write another letter!!!!!<P>Lori

Lori--<P>I applaud your efforts. You're holding down the fort, and keeping lovebusters to a minimum (actually, none!).<P>Hang in there. Take comfort in knowing you're truly doing the best that you can. We're here for you, listening ear style. <P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>