My lover gives me the attention I've longed for but yet I'm so confused. My husband knows of the affair and still wants to try and make our family work. Why can't I let go of this affair? The lover has nothing to offer me. please someone help get me back on track.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chtr:
please someone help get me back on track. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really want to be back on track? Nothing helps until you really want the affair to stop.

And .... step ONE is to STOP refering to the OM as "my lover". Send your brain a negative message about this OM ---> start refering to him as THE OM. And if OM is married, refer to him as ---> Mrs. so-and-so's HUSBAND.

That'sa a start.

Pep

Of course your lover has nothing to offer you. The entire relationship with this person is built on lies and deception. There is tons more to it that you will have to explore, but the first concept you need to understand is that by reading your post, you have admitted an unhealthy addiction.

Just like an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Once you see what you are doing is an addiction, then you can begin to understand what decisions a congnitive person makes.

You want to be sober(Husband) and not drunk(other man). You know its what you want. So, understand it is a addiction... identify the problem, and then begin to fix it.

This will take time. From where you are now, to weened from this affair and back to a trusting marriage with your husband. But you have to see OM for what he is. A very bad thing. And not who you love. You love your husband right?

break the addiction and realize that if you leave your husband and run off with the OM, you are tossing yourself into a lying, deceptive and shallow relationship.

Is that the kind of fulfilling relationship you want to have?

True the "OM" in my life is not married he is a 42 year old man ( I am 32) met him at my work. "OM" is a chef. Marriage was already on the brinks of destruction and our paths seemed to connect. I was just with him last night and couldn't break the news that I was going to stop seeing him. Right now I love my husband but I am not in love with him. We do have two small children together. Even though I still want to be with this "OM" I feel I need to try to make my marriage work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chtr:
Marriage was already on the brinks of destruction</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in an abusive marriage?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chtr:
Right now I love my husband but I am not in love with him. We do have two small children together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aren't you in love with your children??

If so - love for and in love with your kids, plus love for your husband VS. just in love with om (moreover, who cannot offer much)...
Don't you see??

chtr:

Okay, that's a start. The next thing you need 2 do is remove the "" around OM. He's not sort of an OM, he's an OM, with all the irresponsibility and cruel self-indulgence that term implies.

Next, you should read the articles about infidelity on the home page. Your "I love my H but I'm not in love with him" statement is a product of your A (affair). You feel this way because your affections are divided. It's a common cliche heard often here.

You should be willing 2 do whatever is necessary 2 remove yourself from the presence of the OM. That probably means changing jobs, or the OM changing jobs. Changing phone numbers, blocking emails, that sort of thing.

best,
-ol' 2long

This message was written last year to a lady named 'Sally'.

I have a feeling the words may help you also;
I sure hope so as we all know that WW also go through 'withdrawal' to become FWW (Former Wandering Wives.)

I hope you succeed in breaking it off with the OM....it will be for the best as you know in your mind; maybe not yet in your heart.
Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"You know Sally,

The hardest part about ending an A is how black and white it really is.

You said that you do not want to leave your H. But in reality, you know you cannot live the rest of your life in an A. So now you are at a point where you must choose. And it's very difficult to know that you will need to give up that very emotional support that OM is giving you.

But when you really look at the future, having H and OM both there is not a viable option. Truthfully.

What you are living for right now is the moment. And moment by moment, you are wishing just once more for that reassurance from OM. Because you "feel better" for the moment. But look at how torn you are now. You feel empty. You feel scared. You feel guilty, yet needy for OM all at the same time.

It's remarkably similar to a drug withdrawal. Drugs make you feel good for a little while. Then when you start to feel bad again, you can hardly wait until the next time - knowing you will feel good again - even if just for the moment. But then, as you get more addicted, you need more and more to get the same feeling. And the longer you have to go without it, the worse it feels. Even as you can see it destroying your life and your family, you don't want to give it up. You can't see giving it up. It seems as if it is a part of you. It gives you what you need when you need it. Yet you can see (and now even feel) the devastation that it is causing.

Sally, your A manifests much like an addiction. Would you let an alcoholic or a heroin addict have "just a bit?" That would be like trying to remain friends with OM. That "little bit" will lead to more and more, and soon you are right back to where you started.

My guess is that you really know what you want. And that is your family. But by living in the moment, you are craving that one "fix" - the one opportunity to feel again. Yet you know that it is not anywhere near what is "good" for you.

You know how people stop an addiction? By stopping it all together - all at once. Not thinking about it. Not waiting for the "feeling" to go away. Not truly by "weaning" themselves. The only way to beat an addiction is to stop the activity altogether.

The cravings....the urges.....will be strong at first. But you must believe that you can get past it. The hard cold truth is that you can't keep going on like this forever. You know you can't. And yet, the longer you continue this, the harder it will be to give it up.

The trick is that you already know all this, don't you. The only difference is that you haven't done it yet. Partly because you are scared to. Partly because you just don't want to. But you know you need to.

If a 20 year old boy started smoking....wouldn't you tell him that he should stop? You might use reasons that he could get addicted. The longer he smokes, the more addicted he will get. The harder it will be for him to give it up. The more damage he will do to himself. And if he really was addicted, you would know that he couldn't pick up another cigarette for the rest of his life. Because as soon as he picked it up again, all the old addiction would come back, and he would be right at square 1 again.

Think of it as an addiction, Sally. Because that's really what it is. I'm not going to say that the feelings are not real. But that they are misrepresented. You probably did connect very strongly to OM. I don't doubt that. But sometimes in life, we give up what "feels" good for what is right, and what will benefit everyone involved in the long run.

And believe it or not, you really can find happiness with your H again. Just look at some of the success stories on this board. Many times, you will find things with your S that you never had before. Many end up with a better M than before.

I don't think you are a bad person at all. After all, I had an A too. And one thing I have had to accept is that we all make mistakes. I'm having trouble forgiving myself with that one right now. But we can own up to them, and start to do what we know is right. Start to live in an honorable way....

I think you can find much guidance here....definitely keep posting, and if some people seem harsh, know that it is purely out of their desire to help you and to guide you."

I don't even know who wrote this as I had it in my SAVED FOLDER.

Love & Caring, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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<small>[ February 26, 2005, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

My husband has been very mentally abusive -- never has a nice thing to say about me. He has left bruises but yet never actually hit me -- more like grabbing real hard or pushing. And it always hurt because he knew I had been in an extremely violent relationship in the past.

chtr...we were posting at the same time.
Be sure you read the message above yours as it has VALUABLE insite for you.

Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And choosing an OM instead of fixing your marriage, is once again ... choosing to put yourself in harms way .....

ever think of that?

Pep

Julie - That letter is perfect. It just sucks that I have to hurt another person I care about right now. What do I tell him, the OM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chtr:
<strong> Julie - That letter is perfect. It just sucks that I have to hurt another person I care about right now. What do I tell him, the OM? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">chtr, here is a sample no contact letter:

<OM>,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for <BS> and <D>, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that <BS> did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay <BS> for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me or my family. <BS> is going to know everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
<WS>

Here are some others at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

Wendy,
While having an A should never be acceptable, neither is accepting a husband who pushes and grabs to the point of bruising and who verbally abuses you. After the OM is out of the picture, you will need to address that in counseling.

You deserve to be physically and emotionally safe in your marriage. Don't settle for anything less in that regard, o.k.?

If your H is mentally abusive, why would he want to work it out with you and what exactly working it out with you mean from his perspective and then from yours? One thing is to make sure you both understand what each other means. Don't assume.

As for the OM, he is now a part of a triangle you created and allowed. It isn't fair to him and as you can see you are already questionning your judgement. You can't love but not be in love with someone. So you have to decide which it is and then move forward.

Right now you have been bitten by the selfish A bug. You have a choice to leave that stinger in and destroy your family or really buckle down with your H, a good MC and work on your M. You already made a commitment to your M so that is already ahead of your A.

JMHO,
L.