Well, about Thursday, evening FWW....got me to answer the phone. Was crying told me of missing me, etc., so I began letting her call me at bedtime that night...and yesterday morning she asked if she could see me this weekend? I 1st told her no that...would be thew way she has done to me in the past...and if she wanted to see me she could attend church with me and lunch after...she decided not to go. Stating that " the church you have been going to...doesn't have what I need", She also told me that her work week starting Monday was crazy and she didn't want to face any stress this weekend dealing with all this stuff. Well...I slipped abit last night...had a friend, take me to a few bars where I ran into W's old girlfriend...that asked about us...then pretty much trashed what I was trying to save....and as a friend to me...tried to convince me that I should move on...that she was'nt going to change etc...after that...I broke the silence by leaving messages about wanting to file etc. She phoned this morning and told me...I was stupid to listen to junk that came from a bar...and she didn't want to get worked up....cause of her job, etc. but I had to do what I needed although she wants to 1st get happy with herself...and see what's becomes of us later. Well....I guess I can't make myself stop loving....and when the Lord lets me I'll know I'm done. Anythoughts on how to regain my Plan B....I hate trying to not be there for her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she wants to 1st get happy with herself...and see what's becomes of us later. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BIG old red flag.

She's not even close to choosing to act like a married woman.

sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anythoughts on how to regain my Plan B....I hate trying to not be there for her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your are behaving as committed to Plan B ... as your WW is behaving committed to the marriage.

stalemate....

Pep

Well, I just got a very nice phone call, she said she hates to keep hurting me. That she truly doesn't want to end our marriage....we talked, and I explained again...that by going "dark"...NC, she could maybe realize being without me. She then asked if could take me to dinner tonight? I replied that she should get her stuff done at work and call me later. I questioned if, dinner was to let me down again...she laughed and said "no"....she missed me. Pray for us...and thanks.

Big ole' red flag? I do understand...that she has plenty troubles other than just our marriage. FWW was in a very abusive relationship prior to meeting me...8 years ago.

Well, dinner went very well....W stayed the night...has made me a vow to work things out and moved home. She asked me to make a counselor appt. for us also. Thanks for the prayers.

Welderboy,

I sincerely hope this time things will be different for you. I know you can't continue to go through life with the abuse Deb heaps on you with her selfish, immaturity.

Really wishing you the best this time, and that she will grow and become the wife you need and deserve.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Welderboy:
<strong> Well, dinner went very well....W stayed the night...has made me a vow to work things out and moved home. She asked me to make a counselor appt. for us also. Thanks for the prayers. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">blink blink... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Has she agreed to the terms in your PBL?

John

Well thanks Weaver...There is something different about her this time. On the way home from the dinner...I noticed just the way she looks at me? I know the eyes are our windows to your soul. We spent yesterday watching movies and holding each other. This not being the 1st recovery...she had tried a couple times before, she said she felt as if she didn't deserve to be loved the way I love her after the mistakes she made. I need to find and do more research on recovery....as for the PBL...she wants to sit down and work on boundaries for both of us. This morning I called her at work, she said she is going to start loving me the way she used too. Wow.

Welderboy, I think you're letting her back in too easily, but of course I hope she's serious.

GC

What do you mean? GC...is'nt getting back together the idea of this? Tell me more.

What do you mean? GC...is'nt getting back together the idea of this?
The idea of Plan B is her ending the affair.Once she ends it and agrees to the "terms" in the Plan B letter, then you discuss getting back together.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

She ended the affair and started NC...end of June 04...our 1st recovery lasted July 1 thru Oct. 31st. FWW bounced back and forth with emotions of guilt....afraid of me having not changed and treating her badly . She had never been around OM during those times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She had never been around OM during those times. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? How do you know?

Pep

Because I beleive her...and she was either with me...or was down recovering from a kidney removal she had...she then lived with her Mom and Bro., and either spoke to me each day or spent it with me....she would beat herself up badly about what she had done.

OK if you are 100% positive there was NC for months and months ...

then WHY did you need to go to Plan B ???????

I don't get it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Pep

Well....I really don't get it either, but the counselor I'm seeing said that she was fighting guilt, confused....double minded. Deb told me, she actually tried to stop loving me, thinking I deserved better...when she left this last time...hugging and kissing be goodbye, she said she was trying to seek the Lord, and if we was meant to be together, she would be led back. I don't know...but the difference in her is amazing...she has'nt taken any nerve meds...just her AD and seems so happy...how can I argue with that!!

Welderboy...

What I think we're getting at here is this: your W should be bending over backward to get you back. All she had to do was ask for a goodnight call, and you gave it to her, then you gave her more.

What did she do to earn it? What amends has she begun to make that you're convinced it's safe to open the door? What has she done to demonstrate that she's not going to hurt you again?

For this relationship to be saved, she has to make amends.

GC

Maybe...I'm too much of a forgiver? I don't know? There is somekind of comfort...in us being together...that even after everything, the 1st hour we are together things just seem great. Something has changed in both of us....I think God meant us to be together...and we had to face some trials to get there. We love each other...and she said she tried to stop "loving" me...but couldn't. Kind of like why did we fall in love to begin with?