My husband ended his affair and for the most part is trying to prove through is actions that he is ready willing and committed to making our marriage work. I have read the many books suggested on this site but I need to know how people deal with something like this.

My husband is in France (I know not a good idea - could not change) He writes in the morning and calls during the day but he has on several occasions made a committment to call at a certain time and has not, or he said he would be at the hotel at a certain time but when I call he is not there. I know I am suppose to avoid love busters but I cannot help but think that he should have followed through when he said he was going to do something. Ultimately after a pretty good day we end up on a down note because I say something and he throws his hands up and says I cannot do anything right ( I have made sure he knows that the things he is doing right that I acknowledge them) but I feel like he is taking no responsilbiyt for making me feel comfortable while he is away!

How do I approach differently. I hate being mad but I cannot tell you how frustrated I get when we talk about it he says he is sorry and a day goes by and he does something similar. Am I expecting too much? Should I lower my expectations....

HELP BEFORE I BLOW IT!!

LL,

No, you should NOT lower your expectations. You are not responsible for the fact that trust has been destroyed. Rather than lower....I say RAISE your expectations. Let your husband know that you are. He needs to understand that the choices he made have created a loss of trust that can only be rebuilt by consistent effort on his part. That doesn't mean you get to yell, scream and love bust...but it is very okay to say it's not enough for you and only consistent effort on his part until trust is rebuilt is going to save this marriage. However, it will help you greatly to let go of the outcome. You can't MAKE him call. You can't MAKE him follow through. You can only MAKE yourself CRAZY by trying to check up on him when he fails....stop it. First of all, it won't change a thing. Oh chere....I remember those nights of calling the hotel, pacing the floor, being unable to eat and sleep....all the while my H was suffering at all. Step back. Let go of control....you can't control this. Control what you can...your own state of mind.

Star*Fish

Thank you for the response. I have been love busting and I know that is not right I just seem to keep doing it. It is early and I just hate the distance eventhough he seems to be here when he does call I hate destroying our progress but think he should know. You are right I should not try to control anything other than myself. I have done a lot there but sometimes need the reminder. thanks

LL,

I have SO been where you are!! And truly, the thing that helped me most was to concentrate of my own changes and detach from the desire to control my husband. Again....that doesn't mean you can't confront him with your feelings...but I would suggest NOT doing it when he is away.

(((((((((((lucy)))))))))))))))))