I haven't been on this board for awhile. I've ordered the books and read them. Still I'm not quite recovered....

I have forgiven h for the act....however, intermit things have triggered me.
I have mentioned things over the last 8 months that I would have never even felt before d-day. One such item is that Lance Armstrong is a mean guy. Cheated on his wife many times, she took up running to heal a broken heart...his yellow arm bands have a good message but I think he should have a Scarlet letter A across his chest...Watch out Crow or you'll be eating it, too.
H thinks I'm crazy, and maybe I am, I sould grow up. not only forgive but forget!

Yesterday, I ran into one of his buddies, I had a weird reaction. Cordial with him friendly but left the diner in a hurry and started to shake in the car. The only thing I could think of is that this guy knows that my H cheated on me, I know that he cheats on his W. (and have found out that she deals with this by cheating on him) CRAPPY right?

Anyway I told my h about my reaction and he got really defensive started asking and asking why why? (which is what happens all the time, things bother me I keep them in and he keeps asking and asking what's wrong, and I know he knows but I still get goated into telling him)And then I told him. Boy is he pissed, says I'm a drama queen. Why don't I just leave him if he's so bad? He said by my reacting like that about seeing his friend and other comments that "I'm damaged goods"

Got me thinking why is he so pissed, then low and behold it's because he did book the next golf trip, he’s going....I have to make some decisions. Can't bring myself to go the way the other man's wife did.
Any insight into what to do would help a lot. Am I the crazy one? the last trip he went on we both had to take antibiotics!!!!

oh sweetie--how could you be recovered....hes still disrespecting you?

you need to figure out why you are allowing it and what is your bteking point? boundries and consequences. he booked his trip with no concern for you (or himself obviously). he expects no consequences....

weekends here are slow---be patient, others will come along. in the meantime, how are you doing really. and what have you been doing. i was just thinking of you the other day...

thanks nikko for thinking of me. I am trying to change...to not let others, mainly my H, to disrespect me. I have changed somewhat, but I feel I'm slipping back to the pathetic person I was.
I've changed from a sales position,commission only. to a full time guarenteed salary person, I try and take care of me first. I joined a gym & my son & I go together now. Very cool.

I have to take ownership of my triggers. Even if he does disrespect me....it's my responses that will kill me. It's the fast heartbeats the unbeleivable pain the loss that will kill me. I need to take ownership of that. Why should this bother me so much. His body, his mind, his actions. I may have put too much faith in him. too much of me depended on him. too much, too much.
We have wonderful times. Sneak home on lunch to be together....like excited lovers. Go away to a fun place and not even leave the room...like honeymooners.

I just read noodle's post and all the replys....boy you could just insert me there.
My H just dosen't understand, he'll just say, as if words are enough "you have nothing to worry about" I'll never do that again. Let's not focus on the past let's move on"
I asked if he'll seek MC with me but he won't. Dosen't want to relive that past. be productive, be positive.

He straight faced asked me "Why couldn't I just say "well H, go on this trip and relax, have fun, you deserve it after the rough year you had" Did he forget that we had a rough year because of the last golf trip he went on?" Apparently he did.

till later bye.

re