</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FH:
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There is, in my humble opinion, a HUGE difference between a spouse who is "caught" in an active affair and one who has realized the error of their ways and recommitted to their spouse and set up their own STANDARD that they will NEVER again engage in adultery. To "confess" years after such a change and decision may be cathartic for the FWS, but sometimes for the FBS there is truth in the statement, "ignorance is bliss."
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OK, I'm definitely on board with 1-5 but this #6 one is where I'm having some difficulty.
Even if the FWS realizes the error of their ways, and makes appropriate steps to behave and love differently - in a healthier way......can't the 'skeleton in the closet' create a rift between the H and W? And if the A was discovered sometime in the later future, won't the BS usually feel even more resentment and have more difficulty forgiving b/c of the years of deceit?
I ask this thinking of JakeB and Recom's situation. They were posters who were helping MJR and I back when we first started. And JakeB really had trouble processing Recom's A because even though she had realized the error of her A and ended it(consequently becoming a better W), his resentment was so strong because of her deceit in hiding it from him for 4 years before finally confessing.
We also see many BS here talk about a 'second blow' by finding out that the A their WS is involved in is not the only A.....that there was an A long ago in the M. All this does is cause more pain.
Finally, with regards to a FWS whose A was not exposed to the BS - but who completely changed (in a healthy way) their committment and actions in the M.......I cannot imagine that their own self guilt would allow them to be healthy in that relationship. It might cause them to be more giving , but I would imagine it would still remain as a mild form of disease for the M. An illness not quite having run its course.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">L.I.T - Certainly there is NO "one human answer" that is correct for EVERY situation. That's holds true for MB principles as well as "Don't Tell" answers. IF we want to talk about "one answer" we can, but that answer is to DO "God's will," not our own will, thoughts, desires, if they are in conflict with God's will.
So let's talk a little about the questions you raised in response to "point 6."
"can't the 'skeleton in the closet' create a rift between the H and W? "Certainly the "possibility" exists. But so much of any "possibility" is dependent upon the ACTIONS of someone. Were this NOT true, not one single BS would be able to recover their marriage because for most of them, upon initial discovery, there is "NO POSSIBILITY" of staying married to someone who could inflict "that much pain" upon you....by their choice! Yet, many BS's choose recovery attempts despite the seeming impossibility of the task. LOVE covers over a multitude of sins.
And if the A was discovered sometime in the later future, won't the BS usually feel even more resentment and have more difficulty forgiving b/c of the years of deceit?"Again, the possibility of "more resentment and more difficulty forgiving" exists. BUT, again, our reactions to "bad things" are most often predicated upon our history of experiences with our spouse. A spouse who meticulously attempted to live as God intended with their husband or wife and who "affair proofed" and focused on fulfilling the spouse's Emotional Needs, would build YEARS of actual experience to contrast with their "time of insanity."
L.I.T. - I am NOT saying that disclosure at some future date would not be painful or call into question all that someone thought about their marriage and spouse. THAT is a consequence of Adultery. But just as we tell BS's going through the trauma of discovery and whether or not their marriage CAN be saved that their broken marriage CAN BE SAVED, I am telling you that YEARS of CHANGED and SOLID behavior WILL be thrown onto the scales of "late discovery."
IN this particular case, with God's help, forgiveness would flow and I believe the marriage would survive with LESS trauma, not "no trauma."
For the FWS to confess out of guilt, I can understand. But the caution is that if "guilt" is the ONLY reason for confession, then the "motives" have to be questioned. "Guilt" is NOT reason. Reasoned thought is not "emotional reaction." If the sole purpose is to "purge" the WS's feelings of guilt, then go see an IC and confess. But don't USE the BS further for "getting what the WS wants even if it hurts the BS.
L.I.T. - JakeB and Recom are examples of exactly what I am trying to say. NOT everyone CAN, or will, process the adultery the way anyone else would like, or hope, that they will. Adultery IS the "nuclear bomb" of marriages, no doubt about it. But as with all nuclear bombs, there is also "fallout" to deal with. It's NOT a clean and surgical strike weapon. It affects a much greater area and others are hurt who may not have been the "primary target." L.I.T., without God's example of forgiveness and restoration to lean on, follow, and simply obey while the devastation is all around you, it IS going to be harder for someone to deal with the level of personal betrayal that adultery IS.
But you cannot use JakeB's reaction to govern YOUR action anymore than you can use a spouse's affair to "justify" or "excuse" a "revenge adulterous affair." THOU SHALT NOT....does NOT come with a qualifier or modifier. It is absolute and binding on each individual regardless of personal circumstances.
L.I.T. - Admittedly I come at this from the perspective of a BS whose wife was deeply involved in her affair when I finally discovered it. The "fight" I faced was to END the affair AND reestablish her love for me and her choice to spend the rest of her life with me. THAT is a decidedly different "starting point" than the scenario you painted in your question.
L.I.T., let me simply tell you that, as a BS, there are some aspects of an affair that I will never forget. Yes, they can lose their intensity, as some of them already have, but they will never be totally forgotten. They are now a part of my experience and memory, lodged in their own little nook and cranny of my mind, waiting as so many other little "past memories" for the right circumstance or "trigger" to find their location in the gigantic "hard drive storage device" of my mind.
L.I.T., they hurt. They will continue to be a source of pain until the day I die. But I CHOOSE to love despite the pain. I KNOW that in heaven there will be no marriage, no pain, no sin. In the meantime, it is HOW my wife changes and shows her love for me that, over time, eases the pain and allows TRUST to grow again. THAT behavior by her is a sacrificial gift of love that is the direct opposite of the selfishness of an affair. It is HOW I keep the promises I made when I said "I forgive you" that help or hinder HER healing process and allows her to gain trust that I really DO forgive her and love her. It's a journey, complete with bumps and prickly thorns, that we choose to make together from the perspective of being obedient to God and from a posture of Servanthood toward each other. "Me" is easy. "Thee" is hard, in the face of how hurt WE feel.
"Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, mind, and soul," and "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
LOVE. It IS the "ONE ANSWER" that we all are looking for and it is the one quide that should determine "to tell or not to tell" IF the FWS has truly repented and put that time of sin and insanity in their past.
Think about all the hateful and hurtful things that a WS often spouts at their spouse after discovery and while in withdrawal. Think about all the tortuous thoughts that cascade through a BS's mind when their whole world is turned upside down.
L.I.T., when Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, HER eyes were immediately opened. Ever wonder why she STILL offered the fruit to her husband Adam? It's because (or so it seems to me) that sinners want others around them who have also sinned so that THEY will feel better. But you KNOW that Eve, who then KNEW what was good and what was evil, did NOT have her husband's best interest at heart or she would have withheld the "knowledge" from him. Sin IS pervasive and sin has many faces that tempt us and tries to get us to accept it as "okay." We MUST examine our motives and whether or not such knowledge is good for our spouses when WE have realized the error of our past ways and have CHOSEN anew to follow God.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But it does evoke strong emotions in me. And the only way I will be able to come to peace with that is to finish resolving this roadblock in my own recovery.
Again, I apologize if this offends anyone. I am merely trying to explore my own reaction to this topic.
I do feel very strongly about it. And in essence, I think that's good. I shows that I have made changes from the inside out, and that I am not just 'going through the motions.'
But having been a BS also, I do feel a large amount of resentment for my H not being honest with </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">L.I.T. - No one is going to get offended by your honest searching. Most of us are also "searchers" trying to make sense of our own devastated lives and trying to "learn from our mistakes."
Resentment, L.I.T., is the "long term cancer" of marriage, and it doesn't matter if it's in a pre-affair marriage or a post-affair marriage. Resentment is self-centered and destructive. Resentment hold and nutures a grudge. Resentment can try to raise it's ugly head from time to time in all marriages, but if LOVE is present, if concern for our spouse's needs comes before concern about our own needs, resentment is stopped as a molehill instead of faced as a mountain that may or may not be scaled.
God bless.
