Bumping this up for myself. So many of these questions with me again. Will they ever go ? * sigh *

Bob, so sorry for the way things are right now. Not much to say that you haven't heard already. I pray for the day that Bob's EN's get met too.

Bob, I didn't know you were still struggling so. I thought things were going pretty well for you -- ?

Does it have mostly to do with sincere apologies? That's what I struggle most with. "I'm sorry I hurt you" just does not cut it for me. As long as these actions are looked on by the FWS as fond memories of a great fun time, to which the BS is merely overreacting, I do not see how any real healing can begin.

Mulan

Yes, they will go away, Bob. Do they seem to ebb and flow in any kind of pattern as mine did? Are you having a rough day?

Not to change the subject, but it just occurred to me who FrederickGirl probably was.

Hey ML,
You won't see me post very often but I noticed you came in on this thread after mos. of no replies. I think I have a post or two out there but not sure anymore.
I noticed in one of your replies that you were heavily involved in AA.
I don't mean to thread jack here, but, I have a lot of questions. I didn't use AA but spent 16 years sober up until DDay. Since then I broke out big time and have not looked back. Do you think I'm sabatouging(sp) any real hope of recovery with my WW??
Jerry

Jerry, heck yes you are sabatoging yourself. At a time when you most need to be on your toes, you impair your intellectual and emotional capabilities by drinking. It's about like willingly tying your right arm behind your back for a fist fight. Don't you have enough problems in your life without adding this one?

Additionally, what spouse would want a drunk? ugh.. Why don't you stop now and get to a meeting?

Sorry,
I guess I knew the answer before I asked the question. The very odd thing is I originally quit for my wife and family, but now, it seems WW doesn't even care if I drink. She almost expects it! I was told a long time ago that you have to quit for yourself and no one else. I never bought into that and I quit for wife and family. Now I see why I could not maintain after DDay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Thanks for your reply: for the record, I did do a detox agin in Sept 04 and remained sober for 4 mos. Nothing changed and I'm coming up on 3 yrs. since DDay. I'm losing more and more hope every day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.
Jerry

Jerry, do yo want your own thread so you aren't buried down here at the bottom of Bob's thread?

Yeah,
Soooooooooo very sorry for the thread jack!
As far as my own thread, it would be completely OT from MB site and pricinciples, right?

Jerry, it will be ok! Do you want to start it?

How?
I'm so very confused. It took me two mos. to figure out how to post here again, Duh.

hehe, ok, I will start you a thread titled "Shinethrough's Thread." How's that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bob .... I'm not kidding ... real recovery is so much harder than anything else. Why? Because there is nothing to measure success on a day-to-day basis. In Plan A or Plan B you have tasks to do .... like exposure, or meeting EN's ... and it pretty much has a faster pace than recovery ... which can seem like running in waist-deep water against the tide. Recovery is slow, and exhausting and there is no rush of accomplishment as there can be in the earlier stages.

And recovery is sneaky too. You think to yourself "There ... I finally have that behind me. Now onto something new." ...

Then W H A M

the pain will hit you like a lightening bolt ... and you doubt you are really getting anywhere...

but you are getting somewhere Bob ... albeit slowly

It's tiresome, and it's mostly unrewarding day-to-day ... and there are no road signs along the way to announce ---> YOU are HERE

You feel lost and sluggish and yet.... it happends ... very quietly ... and without fanfair ... you actually feel stronger, and more serene, and more balanced .... and life feels normal again.

Years Bob .... yes, years....

Love to you and yours

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



Years Bob ... we're talking years .... a marathon of recovery.

I didn't know you were still struggling so

Mulan I'm not STILL struggling, but great tides of trouble and injustice washes over me from time to time, triggered by something...in this case Squids seeming return to selfishness over her sport.

I'll be OK. Just needed to vent here.

Still haven't gotten the articulate heartfelt apology I wanted but I did get a tearful " sorry". Don;t know if thats the best she can summon right now.

We do well mostly. But I won;t deny it when things aren;t going well. Thats old pre- A Bob and that wasn't good.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mulan, all blessings to you.

Pep I know...I know...

I get sick of it thats all. With all the strange dynamics going on there never seems to be time to take a stand for ME and MY needs.

My wound is near a year old now and still seeping.... I've walked wounded for longer than I ever dreamed possible but I need some serious investment soon, and sheet like this karate selfishness just makes my wound throb.

Thanks pep.

FF, thanks hun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel, I agree with who fredericksgirl could be but the posts are a bit too articulate to be HER don;t you think ?

You're right about the tides of hurt.

Yes the hurt ebbs and flows, and in truth the distance between hard times is greater now. Maybe greater each time.

Like Pep says theres no 'picture on the box' to say when this is over. Maybe it will never be over and recovery continues for life like for a recovering alcoholic.

Yes this was a bad day, but through realisation that Squid was selfishly manipulating me once more. That must stop. Now.

No more CA for me.

Ah well, gotta take DD12 to school then start my working week.

thanks ladies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Bob,

Most of the Qs you have are similar to the Qs that my H has. I dont know if actually getting the answers are really going to help you becos I have sat with my H and tried to answer each and every Q he has and I dont think it has helped him much. I can even detect the change in his facial expressions and I keep on hanging on to him to know what is bothering but whatever I do does not help him much. I understand these are Qs that most BS have. I have actually begged for forgiveness but the loss that both of us have experienced is immense as we are childhood sweethearts.
My H also gets obsessed about killing the other man and I also would like at least to see him beaten up now but I realize it is as much my responsibility as it is his.
I am very sure your wife would be feeling sorry for her actions and deeds but she might not be very expressive with it.
My H also would get mad thinking how low I could fall to go out with the kind of man I went out with. I guess I suffered from deep self esteem issues and self worth issues. I can tell you if I loved myself even a litle bit I would not do this to myself.
I have read some of your posts and I feel you both love each other. But I dont think her constantly telling you how sorry she is, is going to help you. As I really have been truly sorry each awake moment for the past 5 monthsand I have repeatedly told him so but my H still feels very mad, very sad sometimes.
I understand there are triggers, but sometime i too fault instead of supporting. We were shopping last weekend at BJ's and we saw the National Enquirer picture of Camerron Diaz kissing some producer. My H showed it to me and i did not take it in the right spirit. We both yelled at each other. I think our kids are tired of us now.
I know for one thing surely though answers to your questions might not help you but if you can discuss the A without any tension that will help.
I hope God gives you more good days than trigger days. On a more spiritual level your mind has the capability to give you all answers you are searching for.

But I dont think her constantly telling you how sorry she is, is going to help you.

Once. I want a heartfelt apology once. Just once.
" I am sorry I had an affair, it was all wrong and I regret it. It was not justified in any way ".
And I could leave this sack of rocks by the side of the road and walk on.

bob---it took my hubby almost three years to get there----he did and he truelly meant it.

Bob,

I'm 18 months into RECOVERY and continue to struggle with your questions if you will note my PTSD post.

I've accepted that this will take years.

Every so many months or so, though, I notice major breakthroughs in my FWH. It's like lightbulbs go off in his head, major breaks in the fog.

We recently had a laugh about a lie he had been repeating, rewriting history. I said: "You really believe that happened that way?" He said: "I had been saying if for so long I believed it".

What I've discovered is that his ACTIONS SPEAK MUCH LOUDER THAN HIS WORDS. I try to focus on what he does for me and our boys moreso than what he says.....

Hope this helps....