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Mr_NTL Offline OP
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I'm a WH hoping for a chance at reconciliation with my W, and have decided to send an NC letter, not just for my W's sake but because I truly believe that for everything that's transpired, permanent NC is best for me regardless of whether my M can be saved.

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This letter is to notify you of my intentions and expectations related to the total and final end of our relationship. After months of mistakes, soul-searching, reflection, and therapy, I have concluded that everything about our past relationship was a grave mistake. I do not believe there were ever feelings of true mutual love for one another by either of us. I am certain that I was simply caught up in a very typical and common pattern of emotions and responses. These emotions I experienced and actions I took were predictable, unhealthy, immoral, immeasurably painful to our families, and without lasting meaning.

From this day forward, my place is either with my wife or, should my marriage eventually end in divorce, with someone else in a relationship born in honesty and not deceit. To be clear, though I intend to whole-heartedly seek restoration of my injured marriage and family, should that fail to succeed there will never be any future for us together under any circumstances.

I ask you to please respect my request that there be no further contact between us in person, by telephone, by email, or by post. Any future issues that need to be pursued should be handled through my attorney, ______, who can be contacted by telephone at ______ or via email at ______.

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The "future issues" clause is included because OW is pregnant and the baby is 99.9% likely mine.

Feedback and opinions greatly appreciated!

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Sounds good to me. What does your W think? Have you shown it to her?

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How about the "I dearly love my W and hate that I have hurt her" part?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember?? That's the part I wish my H had said....

Can you add that somewhere in there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Mr_NTL Offline OP
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Not yet, MelodyLane. I'm in a quasi-Plan B* state with her, I think, and we have spoken very little since she filed for divorce two weeks ago. Today I steered our phone conversation about parenting time and our upcoming friend of the court hearing toward talk of reconciliation, including the fact that my job is being downsized (I work with OW) and that I was drafting an NC letter that I wanted her to at least read and mail for me (certified mail at my expense).

___________________
* By this, I mean that I know my wife is familiar with MB principles, but as far as I know is not directly working the MB process as much as she is acting on the advice of friends and her attorney.

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Mr_NTL Offline OP
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Nerly, you got it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here's my new paragraph two:

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I truly love my wife, and I thoroughly hate the unwarranted and unimaginable pain I have inflicted on her. From this day forward, my place is either with my wife or, should my marriage eventually end in divorce, with someone else in a relationship born in honesty and not deceit. To be clear, though I intend to whole-heartedly seek restoration of my injured marriage and family, should that fail to succeed there will never be any future for us together under any circumstances.
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<small>[ February 26, 2005, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

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I was going to say that I don't think you should put the stuff in there about the possibility of your marriage failing, but since you aren't really sure of what's going to happen, I changed my mind. It's a good letter I think, I like the addition that Nerlycrzy suggested about the "pain".

-Caren

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Hello Lost71,

I just wanted to welcome you to GQII.You don't "know" me but I spent a good deal of time reading your whole story the other day on the Preg board and I think it's a step in the right direction to be here and getting together a NC letter.I have seen a change in you since your first postings and I have hope for you and for your marriage.I hope you will stick with it.

O

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Mr_NTL Offline OP
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I know what you mean, Caren. I think given my W's current state of mind, hopefully she sees that not as a lack of hope or resolve but rather a difficult concession to the fact that up to this point, she has not been very receptive to reconciliation. I do want my W to understand that this is not only a letter for her benefit, but an action I'm taking because it's what's best for me and my own personal growth and healing.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

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I like it though it sounds a bit like a technical manual (the lingo) but OW must know your verbage by now.
You should leave out the beginning of the line 'From this day forward' since it might confuse your OW into believing it is some kind of marriage ceremony to HER!!!
Just say 'My place is with my wife and I seek to wholeheartedly seek resoration of my marriage to her, etc'

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I like it, pickles -- done. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yeah, I think she knows my style. We've spent too many years reading legal and professional documents. She'll at least know I wrote it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

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Thanks for the encouragement, Octobergirl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Talking to my W today, it really blew me away to realize that it's only been two weeks since she told me she filed and I first posted here. Feels like months. I've really taken everyone's responses here to heart, and of course my buddy Flukeboy has been a tremendous support and cheerleader for all this. He's in a unique situation, since he's also in pretty regular contact with my W, and I think he's done a good job so far keeping the communications separate. Honestly, I have no idea what he tells her... I know he's a big MB believer, so I trust that it's at least not "take Lost to the cleaners." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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OK, for your consideration, here is my latest complete draft.

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This letter is to notify you of my intentions and expectations related to the complete and final end of our relationship. After months of mistakes, soul-searching, reflection, and therapy, I have concluded that everything about our past relationship was a grave mistake. Though I realize you do not agree, I do not believe there were ever feelings of true mutual love for one another by either of us. I am certain that I was simply caught up in a very typical and common pattern of emotions and responses. These emotions I experienced and actions I took were predictable, unhealthy, immoral, immeasurably painful to our families, and without lasting meaning.

I truly love my wife, and I thoroughly hate the unwarranted and unimaginable pain I have inflicted on her. My place is either with her or, should my marriage eventually end in divorce, with someone else in a relationship born in honesty and not deceit. To be clear, though I intend to whole-heartedly seek restoration of my injured marriage and family, should that fail to succeed there will never be any future for us together under any circumstances.

I ask you to please respect my request that there be no further contact between us in person, by telephone, by email, or by post. Any future issues that need to be pursued should be handled through my attorney, *****, who can be contacted by telephone at ***** or via email at *****.
----------------

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Hi Lost,

Just checking up on ya.Did you send the NC letter? How are you?

Enquiring minds want to know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

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Hi O,

Yes, my W sent the letter last Thursday, and OW received it Friday -- I know this because she started calling my work cell phone like crazy, left a couple messages, and called my attorney too, in hysterics. My friend listened to the messages, wrote down the content, and sent them to my attorney for future use if necessary.

OW then decided to write my W a nasty "apology" full of what appears to be the typical stuff -- talking about the lying, my job situation, etc. W seems to have taken it in stride, not a total surprise, and sent a copy to our attorneys as well, again in case future action is needed against OW.

Since then OW had left me alone, until today, when her neglect of her job duties (while "working at home") left me a ton of extra stuff to do, which she had to tell me about in emails. They were mostly work related, and I responded very briefly and to the point when necessary, but of course she soon took it upon herself to volunteer information about her OB checkups, ultrasounds, etc. So she's now blocked totally from my email, with her messages going to a good friend who will edit them for content and let me know anything important for work. This should get me through the next couple weeks I have to endure there.

Good grief. To think of 18 more years of dealing with this woman...

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Hi Lost,

Glad you rebumped this thread.The OW sure will not like there being an intermediary for e-mails(does she know about that yet)? But who cares.

The OC might not be yours so we shall see how long you have to deal with all this but even if it is,there are ways around it to allow you and MrsLost the chance to recover.You know,all the ladies and men on the Preg board can help you out with that.

Any chance you can get a new work cell phone? I am looking forward to the day you leave your current job and OW is on her own there.She won't like that either but too bad.Sorry to be so cynical but I have a particular disdain for OW's.

Keep up the good work.You do sound much stronger now then in your first posts long ago.I like to hear that.

O

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IMHO, you should ax this part:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not believe there were ever feelings of true mutual love for one another by either of us. I am certain that I was simply caught up in a very typical and common pattern of emotions and responses. These emotions I experienced and actions I took were predictable, unhealthy, immoral, immeasurably painful to our families, and without lasting meaning.

From this day forward, my place is either with my wife or, should my marriage eventually end in divorce, with someone else in a relationship born in honesty and not deceit. To be clear, though I intend to whole-heartedly seek restoration of my injured marriage and family, should that fail to succeed there will never be any future for us together under any circumstances.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sentiments (positive or negative) about feelings and the future and the longevity/survival of your marriage have no place in this letter. Its purpose is only to end the relationship with the OW.

You might make the last paragraph indicate that if and only if paternity is established, she may contact you through your attorney.

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Everlong,
You will be glad to know that (although the mutual love paragraph stayed in) the Wife paragraph was removed at my request. Frankly, OW is too psycho, I don't need to be on her hit-list as the reason she can't have my STBXH/DH/FWH (whatever he is today).
Thanks!

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Mr_NTL Offline OP
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Hi again O,

I actually got a new personal cell phone, for which no one at work will EVER get the number, not even my boss. I keep the work cell phone in my car at night and in my jacket pocket during the day, just in case a work-related call comes in (of course, no calls from OW are work-related as far as I'm concerned).

OW has no idea about the email intermediary -- it should be invisible to her. It seems to be working, since Flukeboy has received an email and passed on the necessary information, and I never saw her email at all.

And as far as leaving her with all this work... I have to admit, I'm starting to really enjoy the idea. "You want this cushy job? Here you go." Her job has been cushy because she delegated all the work to me. Literally. I do so much more daily work than her it's not funny, and now it's all going to be hers. And she has no idea how to do most of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

In fact after the way my boss gave OW information that she included in the poison apology to my W, I'm seriously considering confronting my boss and letting the chips fall.


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