Hi All,

Just got off the phone with my brother, he has a pretty good understanding of what I am going through. He knows everything I know about my WS and I was telling him I was trying to work things out.
He decides to tell me about a night we (all three of us) were out that she told him she was willing to have sex with him.
Now, I remeber that night, there was lots of flirting going on, my WS says that the brother just got it wrong, but this is the second time that my brother has brought this subject to light.
Question ? do I stick with plan A?

If you need details see "need advice" in just found out

Elocm,

Where do you stand with your feelings. Remember plan A is implemented by you and for you. Not for the WS. If your W is solicting herself, you'd better protect yourself.

What have you read from here (Harley bookwise)?

L.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 03:50 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi elocm....

Yes, if you are in Plan A, stick with it. The fact that your WW flirted with your brother does not change the plan. I am glad your brother told you this. One thing you need to understand: as a WW, your spouse is not really in contact with reality and will deny things that may have happened.

Plan A is designed for YOUR benefit: YOU work on YOURSELF, get rid of any LBs (Love Busters) that you understand that stand between you and your spouse, Second, you work on filling ALL of the ENs (Emotional Needs) that youe wife may need from you.

I have to warn you, and I had a GREAT DEAL of experience with this (ask anyone) - your wife probably won't respond to the ENs that you are trying to fill for her.

THAT'S OK! What you are doing is 1) planting seeds: she sees you doing these things, and she remembers them. 2) You are doing the RIGHT THING. No matter how your spouose treats you, you owe it to them to protect them from any Love Busters you may present to them, and the love that you pledged to them

What they do with it is up to them. I speak from experience here, it is not always easy. But hey - just think of it this way:

Your wife has been taken over by an alien. That's not your Wife you are dealing with, it is your Wandering Wife.

Plan A is for you. It gives you a good, solid foundation of self improvement and the knowledge that no matter what happens, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

Do NOT go to Plan B - a very wise vet here told me - you will know the time. Until then, KEEP ON THESE BOARDS! VENT WHEN YOU GET ANGRY, CRY WHEN YOU GET SAD, do WHATEVER IT TAKES to calm you down, spo that when you face your Wandering Wife, you can present a man she SHOULD be loving - and if you are successful, you will steal her heart from her lovers and both of you will come out winners.


If I could make a suggestion: buy the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley - you can find it cheap anywhere - I got if from half.com for about 10.00. It is worth every penny you spend, and will help you grow as a person.

Just about EVERYONE on these boards can relate to someething you may have to say - this is the biggest family you will ever find. Stay here with us....

From someone who knows what it's like, and truly cares.

David

I have stggled through a whole year of this sh?t, I can almost gaurantee had I found you guys last February I would of saved things easily..oh well, hindsight eh?
Thanks for the support, I'm still having doubts about the proposition to my brother, shewas the only sober one there that night and she admits that she was flirting but finds the idea that she would proposition my brother ludicrous.
How did you guys handle the dishonesty, my WS lies about everything, even in the face of proof. She claims she has done it all her life and only to the people closest to her.
An example if I may.
The second A; I find Candles and a Lighter in her bag, claims she was bringing them to work? I ask where they are now, she lies " in my dresser".
One week passes
I find a note in her bag, she claims it is an e-mail fling from the summer (she was addicted to the chat/sex rooms while we we seperated). Says she will stop agrees to MC.
next week
We have heated discussion about why we are so angry at each other. We end crying and hugging saying we will talk to MC about it.
She goes for the shower and then manicures her lower lawn.
Next day
Says she has to work off site this aft but we will meet after and go to a movie. We exchange e-mails saying that the discussion last night was good we are both glad and love each other.
Iy dawns on me that lat few times she was sent offsite were friday aft as well? I call her work and she has gone home because of a sick child.
I confront her, says she was shopping, I push, says it was the first time she met him, I push, third time and just met to tell him goodbye, I point out her hair is all matted in the back, which it wasn't really, she coughs up about the hotel room etc..
I ddin't intend for that to be so long, sorry
Any experience out there with this type of lying, (she does it every tme she screws up something)

Very characteristic of a WS. If this was her style b4 any known A's you have a deeper problem.

Since now A's are in the mix, you need to get yourself and your family to a safe place first.

Emotional, mental, physical, financial and spiritual safety is importnat. You are dealing with a liar and a cheat one who is willing to make others her accomplice. Right now there is nothing you can trust her with. That is what makes her dangerous to the family because trust is vital to keeping your family safe.

So you need to strengthen your resolve as to your boundaries. Identify and implement them. Get with a good MC or better yet, schedule a session with Jennifer C @ MB. Phone counseling with her w/b very helpful. Read Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson, read Surviving an affair by Dr W. Harley and later read: His Needs/Her Needs also by Dr Harley.

Ok, enough homework for 1 day? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I'm debating speaking with her tonight, we go to MC on thursday so I was hoping to see if she was willing to accept some of the ideas put forth on this site. I'm just not sure that this would go along with the plan A strategy though...should I just leave it? She claims to have had no contact with the OM but I find it very hard to believe, I mean they had sex on Friday afternoon, and I know they write sexy e-mails to eachother so what are the chances tha one of them hasn't written.
If she was a better liar she should have just said he wroye and she didn't respond.
Any suggestions on how I obtain proof that there is no contact with the OM, obviously her word will not do at this time
Any experience with reswtoring trust would be welcome as well.

Again I can't thank you people enough.

Welcome back...sorry it's happened more.

Let's do an alien translation of what your WW kinda says to you:

" I am working off site"
trans: "I am back on the mother ship. Going to go to hotel room with the lighter and candle".

"I went back to say good bye...it is the last time. I want to go to MC".
trans: I am going to tell you anything I can because I want to EAT MORE CAKE. If you believe I do not want cake, then you will not question if I am EATING CAKE again.

She is cheating and lying and saying what she can to continue the behaviors.

Let MC know before...maybe have an IC with her before going. Also call and connect with Harleys or others here at MB like Orchid suggested. They are experts at translation...I couldn't even get my xh to speak to one of them...my xh was too fogged to do that and I'd been at rope's end for some time.

While your W is an alien for now, she is getting concept of right vs. wrong. After all, she's lying about what she is doing...lying, covering up..is due to shame. So she knows what she is doing is wrong.

I am sometimes here more worried for the WS who is so openly brazen about OP, affairs, etc...They don't feel shame or guilt. Maybe it is a small hope that your W is doing that is good.

By all means, continue MC with her. But get the MB experts here in the mix and follow their advice too...relay their advice to MC so you can work together..

And get tested for std's. Playing games with people from sex chat rooms is not very smart these days. She's gonna get herself in a whole lotta trouble more than the affair...she'll get a lasting "souvenier" if she is not smarter.

I can't thank you guys/gals enough, even though I have only reading the site for about two weeks I'm amazed at the difference in myself. I finally fixed the baseboards in the kitchen and put the shelves up in the garage, any other weekend, while this was happening I'd be moping around killing a tweleve and feeling sorry for myself.
I just want to let you know I so appreciate the time and effort you people put into reaching out, when or if I get this worked out I will stick with the site and someday be wise enough to offer advice.

Thanks all

E,

U made my day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Glad you are feeling better. MB is a hard place to be but it helps us improve.

All the best,
L.

elocm,

Keep reading and keep posting.

I know how painful it is to go through this but your situation is not unusual. Sounds so much like what we have all been through.

Read up on your Plan A and keep up the good work!! You're doing good!!!