I've got a 15yr old boy and an almost 14 yr old girl who's world has been shook up to no end. How do you explain to them that eveythiNg will be ok, when you are not even sure yourself?

Make sure that you tell them it is not their fault and that you love them. Then prove it to them. Talk to them how they feel. Don't confide your problems to them.

Go and get the book "Parenting with Dignity" by Mac Bledsoe ISBN 0-02-864425-5. You should be able to read it in a weekend, but study it for some time after.

Kids that age are pretty much formed, so their ability to "handle" this is almost defined.

As to how to explain it to them? They should be pretty cognizant. I would take the "different" isn't necessarily "bad" approach.

Explain that things will be different. Tell them how. Tell them PROS and CONS. They should be aware enough to know that there is no perfect choice to all this.

DO NOT BASH YOUR SPOUSE. Just explain it to them. Also, do they have friends that are from a divorced family? Call their friends and invite them over for a dinner where they can talk about what it is like. School counsellor may be able to help. Pastor as well.

Don't lie or sugar coat it, they will resent it later. They need to see WHY the decision was made.

NCWalker

Here are some tips I have been researching, as I have two children myself. I don't know if you/spouse are living together now (sorry, I'm behind in my reading), but perhaps some of them may fit with your situation:

1) Children need to be told before any changes occur.

2) Don't go into great detail about your marital problems with children.

3) Tell children about the changes that will happen (moving to a new house, moving to a new school, or beginning visitation). Parents need to listen to children's questions and concerns.

4) If possible, parents should tell children about big issues together. Agree ahead of time on an explanation. This is not the time to argue. This is the time to be very supportive of your children's thoughts and feelings. I realize this may be especially hard if your spouse is gone or you are in Plan B.

5) Tell your children often that they are in no way responsible for the problems. Children need to know they are not to blame for what is happening.

Children cannot understand all the issues involved. Be sensitive to their loss and don't expect them to behave like adults.

Some warning signs to look for at your children's age (young adolescent/teens)

1) Feels angry and hurt and does not accept the reality of what is going on between you and your spouse.

2) Feels cheated and unsure about trusting future relationships.

3) Is highly moralistic and critical.

4) Is more rebellious and acts out in uncharacteristic ways.

5) Has different friends.

6) School performance is declining.

The following are ways parents can relieve some of the stress children feel.

1) Reassure your children you love them. Provide a safe, warm and loving home.

2) Encourage them to share their questions and any feelings they might have.

3) Let them spend time with another adults of the opposite sex. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, or trusted friends are good choices.

3) Children need consistency. As much as possible follow your usual family routines. Routines give children a sense of security and may help to ease fears of abandonment.

4) Never speak badly about your spouse in front of your children.

5) Avoid using your children as a way of communicating with your spouse, especially about visitation, custody, child support etc.

6) Don't depend on your children for support. Speak to adults about this. You can also seek help from a counselor. Children can become scared if they feel a parent can't take care of him or herself.

Hope at least some of this helps.
GS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> I've got a 15yr old boy and an almost 14 yr old girl who's world has been shook up to no end. How do you explain to them that eveythiNg will be ok, when you are not even sure yourself? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU LIE!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Period!

Anything else is incredibly selfish.

You have the world permission!

Tell them everything will work out!!!

(actually that's not a lie, everything will work out, it always works out, one way or another)

Now is the time for you to show them how adversity must be handled, fortitude, resiliency and selflessness. You can do it.

Tell them they are loved more than any other children on earth, I forgive you for including me in your assertion, DO IT ANYWAY. GO OVERBOARD! Tell them you love them and reinforce that the changes, issues in YOUR marriage have absolutely nothing to do with THEM. They will tell you they know you love them, they will tell you that they know the problems in the home are not their fault...
Uh HUH...yeah yeah...

IGNORE THEM and continue telling them it's not their fault ANYWAY...

GO OVERBOARD!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

then run out every chance you get and do fun things together...


ESPECIALLY

if you don't feel up to it...

It works!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drainedinfl:
<strong> How do you explain to them that eveythiNg will be ok, when you are not even sure yourself? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have got a lot of good advice ... I only could add the important of minimizing any other changes in their life. I kept my 2 D activities in-tact as before d-day and I kept them 2 more years in private school. They has been accessed by MFT, "A has no immidiate and short term impact".

-rh-

Thank you.