Just wanted to ramble for a minute. Just needed to talk...

I am trying to apply what I am learning here. I really am remorseful. I really have followed NC and was lucky enough to quickly break my addiction. Very quickly. I realized on DDay or the day after(in the midst of system shock and reboot due to being found out) that I had been apart of the greatest mistake. It became very clear to me very soon after DDay what I wanted. No 'I still want to be with OW' fog. Only 'Wow, I really, really screwed this up. Hell, I don't even like me... how could she love me anymore?"

I had a habit of lying I still had to break. Am I there completely? No. But I am at a place where I still sometimes want a 'drink'(lie) but I know it is bad and I can make the cognitive decision to not sit at the 'bar'(once at the 'bar', you have made the decision to lie). I understand that honesty is paramount in a marriage and so, I will practice it. I will never have an A again. But I will not hide the truth either. Not anymore. She has all the ammo she needs to leave me... so if she does leave me, then I got what I deserved.

Have you ever know something to be true and been unable to convince someone that it is. Then, over time, this phenomenon becomes common place enough that you no longer see the point in trying to explain because it will simply be shot down? An analogy is if I was in prison, convicted of something I didn't do. The truth is I didn't do it. But, the problem is everyone in prison didn't do it. So, because most 'all' criminals are innocent.... none of them are.

My situation is not exactly that way, but it feels like it. What's the point of trying when my efforts will get snubbed? I don't want pity. I just want to be heard. Sometimes I feel like I am in a room full of people and I am screaming, trying to tell them something. As I look around, it's not that they are annoyed by what I am saying or wishing I would shut up. They can't even hear me. I don't exist to them.

Never a good day when you wake up and get redy for work, then look in the mirror and see the enemy. Not that I am the enemy now. But I was. And I hate that.

I could be trying more, but a household, our 2 teenagers fulltime, the 6yo on some weekends, the new job, the deployment to afghanistan, the canceling of that, her loving me, her pulling away from me in moments of intimacy, me trying to stand up and face my wrongs, her resentment of me in that God gives me what I want and not her, my resentment of me because for as logical as I am, I have no logical explanation for any of this. I have a very strong belief in one life is all you get and it is yours to live. Man, I feel like after 31 years, I have made a mountain of mistakes and been party to a load of pain. The worst is the pain I caused. I could deal with my 1st wife divorcing me. I could deal with the passing of my mother when I was a child. I could deal with favoritism shown to my step-brother and step sister by my step mom after dad remarried. I could deal with failure in a vast many forms.

Destroying the woman who is now my wife takes the cake. All of it. It is like I have neutered myself in that I no longer know how to react to anything. Do I stand up for the marriage by telling her to stop yelling she hates me? Do I let her continue to verbally attack me because I deserve it? SHe wants me to be close to her, and I want to be close to her, but we look at each other over a fence and no one knows how to open the gate. So, the longer the gate stays closed.. the more "distant" we feel.

bahh... screw the self-pity sh*t. I feel remarkably empowered right at this instant. I have HNHN to read(bought it and LB at B&N). I will not give up and anymore, I really don't feel like letting her either. One thing has always been true.

When she and I worked together, we were unstoppable.

thanks for listening. I just needed to carry on for a bit. I'm done with that now and I am setting this down to pick up something more productive.

pat

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: patriot92 ]</small>

Pat,

I'm a betrayed H and my ww had a ten month long A.

I just want to say this...


I'm impressed with your efforts and please don't give up..It takes time for us to forgive and forget and your right if you keep that gate closed distance will only destroy your Marriage for good.

Explain to your Wife that you are no fool and that you will do anything to make it right, But she has no right to verbally attack you, you have told her everything and seem sincere so she needs to either work on this or back off until she can.

rememeber, working on the Marriage does not include you being the target of her anger and her words. When she gets like this walk up and hug her, if she refuses then give her space and time but do not sit there and take it.

I did those same things to my ww and today I now realize I had no right...

And even a ww has feelings even if they are FOG induced..LOL..LOL

Please keep up your efforts and even in a prison there are a few that are truly innocent, they just have to be found and trusted.

Ok my wisdom has worn me out, time for a nap...LOL

A correction I wish to make.

She has learned to not attack me when we talk. We have figured out that being mean to each other is destructive, even if your filled with rage.

She and I have developed a few methods for communication.

Just wanted you to know she has made very great efforts in the controlling of her anger. It didn't used to be that way and that is the truth. But the fact is she has come a great distance in being better at this and I wanted to recognize it.

thanks for listening

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: patriot92 ]</small>

Hi patriot,

I was one of the first here to post to your W when she arrived.I haven't posted much to you both but have been following your story.

"They" say that recovery is the hardest and although I don't know what that is like fully,I am sure you will agree.It's tough work.Monumental.

What most of us know though,who have been here a long time,is that your repeated actions will tell your W how serious you are about your future with her in marriage.So "yelling" how true you think you are to your word is not going to change the perception.Your actions will and over time.That is how a BS thinks.

The fact that you are even here says a lot.We don't have many WH's posting here.You are learning,it's a process.A convoluted and painful one but your goal is,I think,the same as that of your W's and when you have two spouses actively involved in the new marriage building,the possibilities are endless.*Pay attention to what you have accomplished.

Each day is a new beginning and you have all the opportunity before you to have the life you want and can be proud of.It's your choice.

Stay Strong~

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P ,I wish my Squid was making the efforts you are.

Maybe she would if I was as mean as your missus ?

But I can't be that person. Its not in me.

Be patient mate, its a 'kin hard gig being a FBS. I know its tough being YOU too, but the timing's different. Not excusing your Ws abusive behaviour, just saying...well....I've walked a mile in her shoes and part of me wishes I had the grit to bawl like that. Don;t take it for ever though. You deserve credit for your actove repentence.

All blessings

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bahh... screw the self-pity sh*t. I feel remarkably empowered right at this instant. I have HNHN to read(bought it and LB at B&N). I will not give up and anymore, I really don't feel like letting her either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow Patriot, words like that are music to a BS ears. As long as you carry through with it.

My own WW just gives excuses. You offer hope and work, coupled with regret and remorse.

Like you said, if you both are working at it, everything is possible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MS says,
I'm impressed with your efforts and please don't give up..It takes time for us to forgive and forget and your right if you keep that gate closed distance will only destroy your Marriage for good.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BP says
I wish my Squid was making the efforts you are.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Froz has a lot to be thankful for. But she's had a lot of pain too. Patriot, you have to just keep telling her, and showing her. Eventually she'll believe.

My WW told me once. And hasn't said or done anything since.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Maybe she would if I was as mean as your missus ?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This line stood out to me. I never considered any of her emotional lashing out as mean. It was lashing out. Just like a hurt animal that doesn't know any better. My A has backed her into a corner, and her first response was to lash out. Quite natural I think. The point I will reiterate is this. What she was doing was not abusive. She has wanted to recover from day one. All of her reactions have been natural. Some things have been destructive. Some thing, constructive. That said, so have things I have done. She is not a mean person.

She is a hurt person. Hurt more than I can fathom. Maybe I could fathom it.... but wow, talk about a nightmare journey. She has proven herself to have the grit, as you say, because she is here even trying.

She is the most special person in the world and it makes me feel protective of her when people say she was abusive. She was not. She was hurt. There are better ways to handle things, but she has a kind heart. She is not contemptuous, evil or hateful.

She is just in extreme pain. The kind of pain that makes you consider death as a viable option for making it stop. And the one person trying to help her through it all is the one how caused all of it. Wow. If accepting help from the bad guy is not graceful, I don't know what is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
But I can't be that person. Its not in me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is a statement I disagree with. Anyone can have anything in them. I could be a serial murderer starting tomorrow. Or not. Everything is a choice. If you need proof of this, how about every time some teacher or other usually 'good' person that goes ape-sh*t and kills 15 people at the local Mickey-Ds and then some neighbor gets on tv and says, "But, he was such a nice man"... Anyone can be anything. That goes for good and bad.