Well...my husband and i sat down and had a heart to heart today.He explained (as i knew) his need for male company. I understand this. he has a lot of issues of rejection by males (including his father). However.... he went on to explain that the only men he gets along with are homosexual males ( not that ive seen him attempting to make relationships with anyone else!). he says that if we are to remain married that i need to give him the freedom to go out with his friends for a drink once a week or a month or whatever. He needs male companionship. hes an elementary teacher and lives almost entirely ina female world ( and was brought up predominently by females).

Well I am fine about him spending time with friends. If he wants to go to the gym that we belong to and go to teh bar afterwards im ok with it. My problem lies in that he wants to mix with homosexual males. He has made 2 local homosexual friends so far (through the internet). The first guy filled him in on how many men are performing homsoexula acts whilst appearing to be straight. The second guy offered him friendship and they ended up havign sex.

Thus I think that you can understand that I am totally not OK with his mixing with homosexual men to meet a social need. He tells me he is not looking for sex and i do believe him, but unfortunately by mixing with them he is simply opening himself up to temptation. If he had an adultery problem then mixing with adulterers (who say its ok) would not be a good idea for him.

In the end I am simply not prepared to go through the stress of every time he goes out with his friends of being afraid that he is having sex, or being encouraged to have sex.

Should this be the hill that i die on? We have come so far. he does want to remain married now. Am i being unreasonable? He says that i went and did what i wanted. I did leave him first. I am not justified and he is not justified through my sins.

As we were talking i felt very calm. he became very heated and asked me to divorce him. I did not love bust. I simply told him where my boundaries were.

Any advice?

Thanks:)

Debbra, I have no advice for your complicated situation. Just wanted you to know its probably complexity not lack of care that doesn't get you advice.

FWIW I have gay friends who I do not have sex with despite being raised in a largely matriarchal world.

Only you know if THIS is the time to quit.

{{{debbra}}}

Debra,

It appears to me that he wants gay friends to have a gay relationship. Personally I would not make a persons sexual orientation as part of my criteria for friends. If they are gay or straight it should not matter so his focus on it is a red flag.

This is complicated. Are you both in IC?

My problem lies in that he wants to mix with homosexual males.

ONLY homosexual Men? This could be your first red flag.

He has made 2 local homosexual friends so far (through the internet).

Did he go looking for homosexual men on the internet? This could be your second red flag.

The first guy filled him in on how many men are performing homsoexula acts whilst appearing to be straight.

So, this first friend is what? Trying to let him know that it is ok to perform homosexual acts while keeping a ruse of being straight...with no regard to him being married? This is your third red flag.

The second guy offered him friendship and they ended up havign sex.

So, he had sex with this second homosexual friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Forget the red flag...this is a BIG RED TRUCK!

You have to know that something is up with all this Debbra. At the very least he is bi-sexual.

He tells me he is not looking for sex and i do believe him, but unfortunately by mixing with them he is simply opening himself up to temptation.

He had sex with this second male friend...looks like he has already succumbed to temptation.

Please consider that you are at a higher risk of HIV since he is swinging both ways.

Have you thought of that?

JMHO
committed

Thanks for your replies.

Sometimes i feel really out of place here. I appreciate that although my marriage problems have similarities with others that they are also very different. Unfortunately all i can find on the net are groups of women who have divorced or are getting divorced because of their husbands homosexuality. I have been married for nearly 19 years and I want to stay married. I know this is not an easy situation but I do believe that with God all things are possible. Therefore i appreciate all the support that I get from you guys.

First of all i want to say that this is a major turnaround by my husband. He at least now wants to stay married.

I also want you all to know (as this has been misunderstood in the past) that my husband does not have sex outside marriage. he has had ONE homosexual liason (the guy I mentioned in my other posting). he felt very very bad about this, not because of the homosexuality but because he strongly feels that sex outside marriage is wrong. For a long time he kept mentioning divorce as the way forward (as he would then be single and able to persue homosexual relationships).

I have been doing PlanA for over a year now. I have been gettiong better and better at it. I can now say that our home is a pleasant place to be. It is relatively tidy (thankyou flylady!) whereas before it was always a mess. the children are much better behaved and disciplined. There is a peace and a calm that pervades the place. I almost never lovebust. I compliment my husband and we have regular sex. For him now to say that he wants to stay with us is a massive step forward.

When he forst started using the internet he met a homosexual man in a strait room. They became friends (just friends!) and things have gone from there. As m husband had never had a male friend before he began to relate homosexuality with friendship. Now I know , as most of you guys do who relate with both homosexulas and heterosexuals, that sexual orientation means nothing in friendship. Obviously my hisband is not going to relate to the macho type guy who is obsessed by sport and beer. To be honest Im not much enamoured with that type of man anyway! My husband is sensitive and in touch with his X chromosone. He has found in homosexual chatrooms that he meets other guys who are like him. Hence he thinks that he can ONLY relate to homosexual men. Although he did have an EA on the internet, he no longer talks sex online. He is truly seeking the friendship with men that he has never had. he has read many books and websites and he understands that this is his unmet need.

Some of you guys seem to have an image of the homosexual man as totally promiscuous and uncontrolled. Now i know that in many cases that is true and it is in this that my fear is founded. My husband needs friendship but i fear that instead he is going simply to be exposed to men who are following a lifestyle which is not compatible with marriage. I warn my children that we become like our friends. My reaction to temptation is that we must flee from it, no matter how attractive it may seem.

Atthe moment I have told him that I am not prepared to put up with this kind of friendship and explained my thoughts and feelings.

If anyone has any idea where i go from here I would be really appreciative.

Thanks for your support Bob.

BHINWI I think I have explained my husbands dilema above <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Ty for your imput.

committedandlovingit My husband is not currently looking for a relationship outside friendship...I know these seem like red flags but for me the red flags lie in the risk of his finding friendship and it turning inot a relationship.....

I really appreciate you guys

Thankyou.

Some of you guys seem to have an image of the homosexual man as totally promiscuous and uncontrolled.

Nope, not me. I KNOW that it doesn't mean that.

I do know that he will have needs that only another homosexual man can meet.

Do you think that he can stay in the marriage with you...and control his desires for another man?

There would be NO reason to pursue relationships with ONLY gay men unless he wants these gay men to meet his needs...whatever the needs may be.

I also want you all to know (as this has been misunderstood in the past) that my husband does not have sex outside marriage.

He did have sex outside your marriage...it was with a man.

he has had ONE homosexual liason (the guy I mentioned in my other posting).

Nope....let's not minimize it by labeling it a "liason". It was SEX...it was infidelity...call it what it is. Don't downplay it or it will be your downfall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JMHO
committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> have been married for nearly 19 years and I want to stay married. I know this is not an easy situation but I do believe that with God all things are possible. Therefore i appreciate all the support that I get from you guys.

First of all i want to say that this is a major turnaround by my husband. He at least now wants to stay married.

I also want you all to know (as this has been misunderstood in the past) that my husband does not have sex outside marriage. he has had ONE homosexual liason (the guy I mentioned in my other posting). he felt very very bad about this, not because of the homosexuality but because he strongly feels that sex outside marriage is wrong. For a long time he kept mentioning divorce as the way forward (as he would then be single and able to persue homosexual relationships).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Debbra. Too complicated for just a few brief comments, but since I don't have the time for a lengthy discussion right now, let me just say the following;

1. I want to stay married. Debbra, that is YOUR choice, not anyone else's. No "apologies" are necessary.

2. I do believe that with God all things are possible. This is VERY true, but also don't make the mistake of allowing sin to be "excused."

3. He at least now wants to stay married. Granted this is an improvement, but the issue is not "staying married," the issue is living with you as God has commanded, even if he is not himself a believer. The "rules" God has lain down are specific, as are the prohibitions.

4. he felt very very bad about this, not because of the homosexuality but because he strongly feels that sex outside marriage is wrong. Okay, this is how ALL WS's should feel about adultery, homo or heterosexual. So, will he live with you "as a husband," according to God's rules?

5. For a long time he kept mentioning divorce as the way forward (as he would then be single and able to persue homosexual relationships). Sure, and most WS's look for "excuses" to continue their adultery. Nothing new here.

Debbra, your situation is complex and professional help would be recommended. Aside from that, YOU are the Christian in your marriage. YOU have no choice but to obey God. Whether you remain married or not will ultimately be determined by your husband's actions and choices. He can accept Christ as his Lord and Savior, he can choose to live with you as a husband should according to God's design, or he can choose to leave.

Yet through it all understand that the promise that Jesus made to his disciples also applies to you...."And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." (Matt.19:29 NIV)

It also applies to your husband if he will accept Jesus Christ and also submit to His lordship of his life.

Debbra, part of recovering from infidelity is that CHANGES need to be put into place. Often it includes places you can't go anymore, things you can't do anymore, sights you can no longer see, things you can no longer read, etc. Those things were a part of the past and were often and integral part of beating down the resitance and will to "do right." They were the enticements, the "see everyone else is doing it" sort of excuses that made sin seem "okay."

These changes are all part of "affair proofing" a marriage and the radical changes that are both necessary and required as one "Turns From" a life of sin to one of love and obedience.

God bless.

Dreaded Double Post of preceeding post.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Debra...

isn't the question then how do you and your husband increase your friendship pool to include just male friends...that your husband LEARNS to relate to....

My husband doesn't have a lot in common in males that are extreme sports enthusiastes or avid hunters either....so he doesn't seek venues for his friend ships like that....

I guess I'm not sure I understand either of your extreme views of males...

Obviously my hisband is not going to relate to the macho type guy who is obsessed by sport and beer.

To be honest Im not much enamoured with that type of man anyway! My husband is sensitive and in touch with his X chromosone.

those are extremes....

your husband is pretty much staying within a comfort zone...and therefor is really limiting his own horizons and exposure...

why not seek out just friends not identified by sexual orientation in different venues...

why not seek together...
a local club or group that more encompasses interests..

ie
check out becoming members of thing in your local community together that can build friendships for both of you together....

seek out something that is not over the top macho...but interests you both...

tons of routes to go..

local boating venues...canoeing...nature interests...

wine tasting groups

local theater

BOOK CLUBS!!!

local college extension programs...

local art programs...etc....

even dare I say it....
a mixed bowling league....

a more even diversified group in which there are all different types of people to relate to...

for heavens sake join habitat for humanity...
it's wonderful and you meet tons and tons of different people from all different walks of life

he needs to stop being so one sighted on meeting his goal of male compainionship because all he is doing is living his life in a comfort zone of his own creation....

seek to increase the friendship basis together...

seek to expand his and your horizens together and see what grows from that....

ARK

Debbra,

Bisexuality poses special challenges for marriage. Before you resist that "label" I think it's important if you're going to save your marriage that you acknowledge the fact that your husband is attracted to men as well as women....and what kind of complex challenges that actually creates. Part of the involves and inability for either sex to completely replace the experience of the other. I am very skeptical that his friendships with gay men partially revolve around this need. You cannot offer him what a man can offer him...nor can a man provide what you do. That creates the need for good boundaries with BOTH sexes rather than only one. What I mean is that under most circumstances, sexual boundaries are only necessary for one gender...but in your marriage...you will need them for both genders. How does that translate into H having homosexual friends? Well, it would mean that he would use the same precautions and safeguards that most men would normally just use for women. Those precautions would include "not" going out socially with them unless you are present (I certainly would not feel comfortable if my husband went out with a bunch of women and not me). Friends of any sex in your unique situation are not safe unless they are also friends of the marriage. His sexual orientation makes it difficult for him to expect male relationships to be realistically as safe as they would if her were strictly heterosexual....they aren't...and you shouldn't be expected to treat them as if they are.

I will tell you as plainly as I can....that it is very difficult for bissexuals to give up the experience of either sex...so I'm finding it hard to be very encouraging...however...I don't think it's impossible if they are really committed to the marriage. He will have to decide whether having friends (who are potential sexual partners) to socialize with singly, or whether he can incorporate those friendships into the marriage...involving you, making sure they are also friends of the marriage etc. If he can't....I would be very very very cautious because the potential for more homosexual relationships is huge in this situation and carries special risks for you.