My wife who still lives in our home with myself and our two children keeps telling me that she wants to separate. I get her point, but she keeps bringing it up when the children can hear. She says that she doesn't want to proceed with any further counseling, is planning to move out, likely with the children. I told her that this is very disressing to me and that if she can't be civil with me, in front of the rest of the family, then she will have to leave. In a tough spot!! Please advise.

AC - is there an Affair invloved - anyway of finding out? Your situation sort of depends on that. My wife moved out - was devastatd for a while, but worked Plan A for a while - may be all she needs. Have you read thru the material on this site?

Stay in touch

David

There are no signs of her infidelity. I have read material on the site; what's the difference between plan a vs. plan b and where is it found on the site. Thanks for your prompt post. I am in a lot of pain and am currently in an intensive treatment for an acute depression.

If she wants to move out, there is not much you can do. BUT she should not be allowed to take the children and disrupt their lives further. Would she agree to go to family counseling for them? Often people talk themselves into believing the children will be better off when in reality they will NOT. If she could here it from a non-related 3rd party she might believe it.

If it's not an A, what reason does she give for wanting to move out?

kloe, she says that she is " done " because i was working long hrs and not helping out around the house or with the baby as much as i should have. I had been under a lot of stress at work and had been overworking to keep up the pace in my sales job. of late, though, i had been making an effort to get home earlier and help more around the house and with the baby. she constantly calls me a slob and ignorant. I would like her to go to see a counselor with me, but she is very reluctant and stubborn.

Ignore the affair possibility at this point, as it matters not to your issue at hand. Though don't forget the possibility - because it changes everything.

Your issue, RIGHT NOW, is that your wife is wanting to leave for whatever reason and you are concerned about the impact to your family. As well you should be.

She probably is not in the mood to listen to reason. She probably is in the mood to bait you to anger. She wants a release valve and wants to hammer you with all your shortcomings (which you may or may not deserve) and she is looking for the excuse to let fly and have it be your fault for starting it. Just a guess.

You are the MAN of the house. That carries with it some responsibilities, one of which is that you are supposed to be the level-headed one.

Do not go down the road of falling into the trap of the angry argument.

Watch the righteous indignation - the statements along the lines of "How DARE you do this in front of the kids.."

Time to disarm. Switch to statements like "Wow, you are really angry and I can see you have a right to be. Can we go somewhere where the kids can't hear and I will listen?"

Then SUCK IT UP. If you are really concerned with the kids, suck this up and LET her blow off the steam. DISARM DISARM DISARM.

THEN sort out what is really going on. DO NOT JUDGE HER. If she is that torqued up, she will NOT be listening to you anyway, so what will you gain?

Ask her if you guys can take a break to cool off. Ask her if you can take a walk before you get back in the ring. Keep the temper in check, it will serve nothing.

DISARM this situation NOW. Give us more information, then we will help/advise when we have more details.

NCWalker

Well, i did ask my wife if there was anyone else... she flatly denied it. I told her that it was inappropriate , wrong, unfair, and ? illegal to take our baby son out of the home tonight. She told me that it was unhealthy for her and " her boys " for us to be together and I can't stop her. In her anger, she told me that we probably shouldn't have gotten married as she should have known what she was getting into with my history of depression. I told her she doesn't have to leave immediately. I'm feeling panicky, scared, and abandoned. I called one of my friends to help me calm down and I'm going to a program for acute depression in the am. Is this the beginning of the end for us??? Please advise.

AV, whatever you do, don't fight with her. Try and be as calm as possible. Tell her you are sorry she is so unhappy but she cannot take the kids out of their home. Be firm about the children but just don't fight with her.

Again, there is not enough information to answer your question. And I am no fortune teller.

Is it the beginning of the end? It could be.

It is a trial, nothing more, nothing less.

The RESULT of this trial will be dictated by how you and your spouse respond to it.

There are some for which it would be the end.

There are others for which it would strengthen the marriage.

How do you know? You don't. All you can do is hope and do your best.

NCW

Melody,
I didn't fight with her; just told her she couldn't go with our child. She went anyway.She was beyond reasoning.


Thanks for your help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by acutelyvulnerable:
<strong> Well, i did ask my wife if there was anyone else... she flatly denied it. I told her that it was inappropriate , wrong, unfair, and ? illegal to take our baby son out of the home tonight. She told me that it was unhealthy for her and " her boys " for us to be together and I can't stop her. In her anger, she told me that we probably shouldn't have gotten married as she should have known what she was getting into with my history of depression. I told her she doesn't have to leave immediately. I'm feeling panicky, scared, and abandoned. I called one of my friends to help me calm down and I'm going to a program for acute depression in the am. Is this the beginning of the end for us??? Please advise. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know the reason why she is doing this but at the very least her responses seem "fishy". Some of them are right out of the " Handbook for Wayward Sposues ". I think the advice you have recieved so far is good. Blowing up and being angry will just push your spouse farther away. I would "lay low" and try and cool things off with arguments and conflict while you plan your next move. I don't want to be a negativist here. What does your gut tell you?

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NCW,

Thanks for your candor. It was somewhat comforting to hear that it possibly could strenghthen our marriage. I realize also that it might not be able to be " fixed. " She just seems so resistant to consider any counseling or discussion at this point. Maybe when the anger subsides, she'll be able to look at the situation more objectively.

av, is there anyway you could do some sleuthing and rule out the possibility of an affair? We can't really help you unless we rule that out. Because frankly, those of us who are reading your posts smell a rat. A BIG RAT.

Well, based on the limited amount of information I have at this point, it sounds like your wife is abusive. This could indicate an affair, but not definitely.

In either case, I bet this it's not helping. How long has she been like this? How long have you been depressed?

I don't know if I can/should advise you. On one hand I have a life-long struggle with depression and experience with an abusive (ex)wife, on the other hand you could say I'm a little biased.

Here's what I have to offer. Filter it heavily.

Some people, when they see weakness, feel compelled to attack. I don't understand why. But I do understand that even when they have 'won' the fight, established dominance,... whatever... they keep going. And for some people, depression is interpreted as weakness and it causes them to react.

My exwife was like this and for like 8 years my life was a hell it would be difficult for you to imagine. I could tell you the story, but I'd have to change bits so that you would believe it...

...anyway, the point is it went on and and on. It escalated the more I tried to make peace. It only stopped when I finally stood up for myself. And I don't mean a half-a$$ed standing up for myself... I mean the full monty.

And after her arrest, and the verdict, and the investigations, and two years of the silent treatment, we were finally able, for the first time ever, to start speaking as equals.

And I finally realized. Yes, she was a psycho. But the problem was not her. It was me. I allowed every thing I ever went through with her and it was only when I finally stopped allowing it to happen that anything changed. (Not that I need to, but I will of course mention that violence is unnacceptable and a sure sign that you've actually lost control, not gained it.)

As for the depression, do what you have to do. Get the right meds. Get the right counselling. Do what you have to do to get yourself on track and start doing it now. If you don't beat it, it's gonna beat you, so you gotta get to work. And these are words spoken (written) who knows all about depression.

So, to recap...

1) If you don't have respect for yourself, don't expect anyone else to, and don't be surprised if they exploit you for it either.

2) Get the depression under control.

If my writing sounds harsh, please forgive me. If you knew half of my story, you'd know that you have my sincerest sympathy... actually it'd be closer to empathy. But the fact is, sympathy isn't gonna help you right now.

Clarity might though, and purpose.

See a lawyer, know your rights and enforce them, take care, and keep posting.

John

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Melody,

what is the most suspicious thing that speaks for infidelity? Or is it just a number of things or the abruptness of it all?

Thanks

John,
thank you for your empathetic and wise take on the whole thing. I will take your advice and am already getting the help for my depression that I need.

Again, thanks

Hey, no problem.

The thing with depression is that it can very quickly turn into a viscous circle. With devastating consequences.

I'm also very concerned for your children. Your wife is acting like she has the right to make unilateral decisions concerning their wellfare. I think that while you take steps to preserve your marriage, you also make darn sure you don't get shafted.

Having been shafted, and quite thoroughly at that, I can assure you that it sucks. It has a negative impact on the kids too, which sucks even more and lasts way longer than the actual shafting.

What I'm saying is be prepared. I'm an MB poster and advocate of saving marriages, and I really hope you can save yours.

Truth be told, I have a sense that yours is saveable.

And I also think that the answer lies within you.

I think your wife is reacting to something. Could be an affair, could be your depression... I dunno... at this point I could be reading tarot cards and be as accurate. It's just a sense I have.

A sense that she doesn't respect you. (which is dangerous)

A sense that this is causing a short circuit in her brain and causing her to react in an inappropriate way.

But you can't really control her reactions, though, can you...

So it kinda comes back to you... and what YOU can do...

And I also get the sense that if you find the answer to that, and get to work on getting your own self 'fixed' (as in repaired, not what you do to the cat) and begin to rebuild yourself that many things will fall into place.

Hang in there,

J

Hey J,

Srong words from someone who clearly has been there. Your sense of humor will also go on a long
way ( fixed vs. repaired ).

Thanks

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Howya doin' today?

J