Im like you in same insane online affair.

I dont know if one of you have had sex with OM.
I did it. I feel sick about myself for did that.

My case is little different I was trying to quit this A. I couldnt do it.

I always look for him, he is like a drug for me )you can read my post "Avoiding an internet affair, and other that I cant remember like "help for stop thinking in OM"

He has been my confident, everything started slowly, we were just friends, we have a lot things in common.

But I know this is bad, he is married too.

My H doesnt know anything. Im so coubard to tell him.

(Im mexican, I dont write english as good as I wish)

Well, I could stop contact with OM for some days, and yesterday I looked for him AGAIN!!!

His wife is pregnant, I have a 2 years old daughter, and I feel Im the worst mother in planet. This behaviour is not a good example.

I dont know what to do, (no I have another post, OM, OW asking for a suggestion)

OM is interested in my more for have "sex" by web cam than for chat.

I was planning to take a flight and met him. He lives in another country, and thanks to this site I didnt do it. THANKS GOD!!

Im desperated.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ladies,
I'll keep saying this in case it helps: It DOES get better with time. If I didn't experience it myself, I wouldn't believe it. I was where you are...I was miserable, obsessing about OM, not sleeping, not eating and seriously hurting. Fought NC tooth and nail. I won because I didn't ACT on the feelings. The only way to get through it is No Contact. Then, the feelings fade and you can feel better about yourselves and your marriages.

Cards - yes, it's normal. I'd feel good for awhile then feel like I took a step back. I'd wake up sweating and disturbed. Waves of unpleasantness would hit me. Two steps up and one step back. When I felt bad, I'd redirect thoughts and put the books away. Remember when I stepped away from here for a couple of days? Keep focusing on the vacation and your children. It's hard I know, but it speeds your progress.

Hang in there and know any contact takes you back in a huge way. OK? I swear - it gets better! The OM will seem not so special in a couple of months, in fact, you'll start to realize his faults too. That took until week 10 for me, but everyone is different.

Good thoughts your way!
GS

Thanks Gentlsoul for your posts. Glad to know I'm "normal". I was OK on the weekend, but now, here again I find myself in thoughts of OM. I'm still linking certain days, times of the day, and places w/ OM. I'm realizing that I don't think of him as much, then it makes me sad. Sort of seems like another stage. First acknowledging it's over & fighting the loss of that; now fighting the loss of the memories. When I think about how much time has passed since we were actively in the EA (6 wks) it makes me sad. It's like I don't want to forget those wonderful feelings and memories of both of us wanting each other. It's hard to let go of the fact that someone was wanting ME, but no longer does (or can't).(sigh) WITHDRAWAL!!!

Hope you are all doing OK, Mary, Winbin, 2bnormal, luv2bad, curly, & anyone else reading here. Sharing our stories has been so helpful.

Gentlsoul, how did you NOT go back and read any of your letters, emails, etc from OM? I'm having a hard time with that.

cardsonly,

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. It's sooo hard to give up the thought of this and of the OM wanting you and the feelings associated with that! It is a daily struggle for me to make my mind think of something else! We have to come to the realization even though we have these feelings and enjoy the "feelings", that it was a fantasy.

One of the last conversations I had with the OM was that he struggles as well, but that he must admit that following the Lord is the only path for both of us. I keep thinking of that and know that it's true, but that both the OM and I HAVE to ADMIT that. I hope this helps you in some way as well.

Just thought I would reply about your emails and IM conversations. It is hard not to look at them I'm sure. I still have a few things I look at but as time goes by it is becoming less frequent. Does your H know you still have these? My H made me delete all of my emails when he found out, so there is not much for me to look at. That really hurt at the time, but maybe I'm glad now for that in that I can't struggle with deleting them since they are gone! Maybe think about deleting them a little at a time?

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

Cards-

Something I can kind of relate to...

My wife was smart enough to delete any emails that she got from her OM, because she knew that she'd get caught eventually. Same thing with voicemail from him. Matter of fact, it was NOT deleting them after he'd resumed that final contact with her was how I caught that he'd contacted her again!

But, here's how I can relate, in an offhanded sort of way. I have a copy of their last 5 days of IMs. It's how I got my "final proof" of what was going on. Towards the end, I came home a little early, and found that she was trying like crazy to close an IM window from him so that I couldn't see it (she had it minimized, and knew it would go to normal size as it closed). She got it closed so I didn't see the contents, but that was the final straw for me. The next morning, I logged on her computer before I went to work, hacked her IM account (had a decent guess at her passwords), and turned logging on. They'd been in the habit of checking that, but since I'd not "caught on" in the nearly two months, they got careless. And over the next five days when I recorded their IM's, that was when they got serious about trying to meet and "see if it was real in person". I wasn't able to check the logs until one of the next work days (my wife would stay in bed until I left, then rush downstairs to IM her OM). It was that morning (May 11) that I read the log, and was so crushed beyond belief.

Here's my point. I hada copy of the log for a long time. And about once a month or so, I would still find myself compelled to go back through it again, to find some reason why it happened. It wasn't until I deleted it that I could finally quit doing that.

Cards (and others), please, for your own piece of mind, delete those emails, ecards, and messages. Keeping them is a way of going back to what you had, and that is both tearing to your own heart, and still a way of holding on to your OM. You're still keeping that little bit alive...and as long as you're doing that, you're keeping that little bit held back from repairing your marriage. You're still betraying your spouse in that little bit of your heart.

I strongly suggest that you delete whatever email, IM screename, game names (like your profile on Pogo if that is where you played cards with your OM, Cards), and all of that so that it makes it that much harder for your OM to slip up and contact you. And it's a great way to reassure your husband...as long as you remain honest and give him access to whatever new accounts you create.

It does get easier friends. It really does. It takes time, and hard work (like what I'm suggesting) to help get through it, but it can and will happen if you put forth the effort. Hang in there...do what you have to now to make things right. It WILL be worth it.

Yes, you are right, OWL. I am aware that every one of those "little" reminders is another little "fix" for me, keeping a piece of him alive. And I know that sometimes I am doing it to myself on purpose, instead of making contact I suppose. I need to take the next step and delete anything remaining on my pc. I have a few saved "drafts" of e-mails I never sent. He's still on IM, but I don't sign on to that anymore, and if I do I have him hidden. His "name" is still on my game site and I see that. After H discovered IM conversations I saved them to floppy & deleted them off pc. So what I have is floppys, and 1 conversation printed on hard copy. I have these discs and papers hidden away, but accessible to me. I KNOW the next thing I have to do, is get rid of all of it, if for no other reason than if something would happen to me it would be horrific for others to find these things!

I feel I've come a long way in the 3 wks since I started this thread, but WOW, what a process. If only I had known how much energy spent & pain would be caused by my "harmless friendship"!!!

Cards,

Yes it's hard to let go of those things that we are hanging on to. Sometimes I think about if I were to go back into the full swing of the EA, how would I feel? Horrible! Sure the feelings and excitement would come back, but the deception and the lies we kept will make me feel horrible and awful! It's not worth it. I was living in sin and I do not want to go back to that as much as I miss the OM!

I found this about FOG on this site. I believe it aptly describes what happened to me:

The FOG is basically a catch-all phrase to define behavior of a person who suddenly stops living and acting like they did the day before and begins a secret, second life...with the central focus of the secret second life being an unknown or mostly invisible other person who is not the father of their kids, the mother of their kids, or their husband or wife. Suddenly the things that made life good aren't good enough anymore. You could have all the material possessions, a great spouse, and a contented life but something snaps...JUST SNAPS...and then they decide that they need more out of life and MORE comes in the form of somebody different. Somebody unusual. Life is shaken up and stirred with the arrival of this new person. The hormonal "in love" feeling is generated everytime this new person is near, thus confusing the former family man or mom that this person is "something special" and "different" and their "soulmate".

That "feeling" is simply a hormonal response that happens in the early stages of a relationship. After years of marriage, even in a good marriage, that hormone wanes...and it's normal. But when this "feeling" is triggered again...how the person responds to it is key. Honestly, I think most married people will feel that "feeling" during some part of their marriage but the decision to ACT on it is critical.

Once it's acted on, then the physical response becomes more of an addiction then. It overrides normal patterns of behavior and thinking at that point. A person is literally powerless until withdrawing from the object.

Cards-

Let me help you then friend. Please, post a message here today when you've deleted all of them. And be honest. You'll cry while you do it, but you have no idea how good your going to feel once you have done it. I mean that...really. Post here today, and tell me what you're feeling after you have deleted EVERYTHING. Same goes for changing your gamesite name, and your IM account.

You dont know it yet, but you're going to feel so relieved at having taken this step (if you do it honestly and completely) that you're going to be amazed and wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

Yes, 2BNormal, I refer to my list of "Things I Hated about My EA" fairly often. I added one just yesterday after going to church. Finally, I'm able to sit in church and feel repentant about what I did. For those months during the EA & after, I was so conflicted and uncomfortable I could hardly attend (I guess that's a good thing that I was conflicted!). On my list is also the feelings of deception & guilt. I have to remember how awful that felt, and also I felt withdrawal from day to day until my next contact. So all of those things just made me a mess for most of that time!

Sounds like you're doing well, 2BNormal!!

OWL, my friend & my H's friend!!

I cannot promise this for today, but I will work on preparing my mind to do this ASAP, knowing that this IS an important next step. Thank you for pointing that out to me and giving me a "shove" in that direction.

Cards,

I have been following your posts and I do hope you take the advice that has been offered. I would ask you one thing. Win's H has posted that he is done, and will file for divorce. Do you think losing your H will hurt you more than losing someone that "gave you cool music"?

You have not really factored in the reality that you may lose a long time marriage and destroy your family. Please rid yourself of the reminders you have of the OM.

God Bless,

JL

Cards,

Two thoughts for you...

The first is this...if not now, then when? The problem is pretty simple. You're never really going to be "ready" to do this...it's hard. It's an act of "faith"...you just have to do it knowing its the right thing. The longer you let this go on, the more you're going to prolong your agony...and the longer it's going to take for you AND your husband to recover.

The second is this...can you pray about this, and seek the REAL source of strength and faith and inspiration? Pray, and ask God what He wills to be done, here and now. Ask Him what He would have you do...and then do that. You may not have the Strength to do this, but you know that He does, and He gladly shares His strength.


Maybe you can go to your husband, and you BOTH can delete the files, destroy the disks, change the passwords together. Make this an act to build your marriage on...and an act of cleansing for you. Sister, I know it's hard, but I also know where you're coming from. And I really do just mean to help. Pray about it, and see what your answer is.

Darn these double posts!

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Owl ]</small>

Hello everyone,
Win's H has not filed for divorce yet. We are still hanging in there. I still have a great deal of pain and withdrawl I'm going through. Everyday it gets a bit easier I guess. But I'm left just with a big empty hole.

Cards, I think in time you will be able to delete all the reminders of your OM. Don't rush yourself, it might just make the withdrawl worse.

Cards,

I am not doing totally well. The weekend was particularly tough and I am still fighting my mind from drifting to the OM!

My H was looking at my current cell phone bill this weekend and saw a call I made to the state that the OM lives. This threw him into panic mode and made him feel horrible as he searched to find out who I called. (I was not home at the time). Well, I had called my brother who lives in the same state as the OM (and not far from him). But, I know my H felt horrible as he was seeking to find out! I know I have put him through so much and he doesn't deserve it! He has always been so faithful to me!

I am also struggling with my H not wanting or feeling like he wants to meet my EN's. He is still holding a lot of resentment for what I did. This is where my mind wants to go back to the OM! But, I have to keep seeking and trusting in God for my marriage!

I do understand how you felt about being in church when the EA was going on. I have dealt with that for over a year and a half and am now feeling better about that as I seek God. I also struggle with seeing friends that don't know the "real" me and what I did! I feel like such a horrible person and if they "only knew". We not only deceived our H's but also our friends and anyone that knows us if you really think about it.

You have received such good advice on here about those emails and IM conversations. Keep seeking and trusting in God. He will be your strength in this!

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

Win-

Sorry friend...I don't agree. You don't quit drinking or drugs by slowly backing off...even cigarettes really should be quit "cold turkey". Yes, it could make the short term withdrawl harder, but it also makes it shorter, and the odds of a relapse much less.

I agree with the other comment I saw on this thread...think about what you are risking by keeping this stuff, and by keeping this from your husband! You are STILL risking your marriage, your family, everything by continuing the deception. And this prolongs the withdrawl, it does nothing to truly help you get past the EA.

Your choice friend....I've made my suggestions.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Owl ]</small>

Yup, this H has not filed for divorce yet. It was a very difficult weekend, and it hurts to see my wife in so much pain. I cried a lot this weekend, and more this morning...some for her, and some for me just out of pure loneliness. But I think I'm doing better at giving her some space. I hope I am.

Also, thank you Cards for that post about Fog. That's a pretty accurate description of what it's like, from where I stand. I just hope my W can keep up this NC, which she is about a week into; maybe withdrawal will ease some day and we can start the work our R desperately needs.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: bassistist ]</small>

FL, I do intend to take the advice and destroy my reminders. There is no possibility of the EA starting back up, and I have no intention of losing my 18 yr marriage & H. It is over and my H knows this. OM has not contacted me in almost 6 weeks, and I have no reason to believe he ever will again. So, the struggle is within myself to put the thoughts at rest and completely let go.

OWL, you asked if not today, then when? Honestly, I have not given this a lot of thought before right now. I knew in the back of my mind that it's something I need to do, but had not committed myself to it yet. I felt as though I were fighting the battle of my life with NC! The least of my concerns were some notes & discs.

I totally agree that I need to destroy this stuff, and I feel that this is the next battle to fight. But it's a process, too, whereby I have to have resolve in my mind. I have gotten so much stronger, and I truly believe that I will be able to do this, too. I have never even read the conversations since I saved them over 2 months ago! I am beginning to look forward to our vacation and I know that a change a scenery and a break from PC's will be a wonderful thing. I hope it will be a turning point for me and everything will click (like it did for Gentlsoul).

I have prayed for strength over & over during this time. I WILL pray for strength over this issue. I know what His will is. I believe He was watching over me & my M and interrupted this EA so as to not cause further harm. I really believe that.

Thank you for your encouragement, FL & OWL.

Win, hadn't read your H post, but glad no one has filed. I am so glad you're feeling better today.

2B, I hear you. Just when you think you've moved past something else comes up. For me this weekend it was paying the charge bill. I was going through the charges and I remember specifically the days I shopped here & there, and I remember making phone calls in those parking lots, or conversations we had later that day. Amazing. Fortunately, that was January and by next bill there shouldn't be any more of those reminders.

We have the opposite with our H's. Yours was involved with your "goodbye" process but not working on the EN's. Mine is distancing himself from the fact that is was a "real" EA, but is trying to meet my needs. This is where I really need the strength, OWL, because it is all left to me and not pushed by my H (with regards to ridding myself of the reminders).

2B, I'm sure OWL can speak to how your H is feeling about wanting to meet your needs. He is probably angry & hurt & bruised. Maybe when both parties work through this early time period both can start meeting each others EN'S at the same time?