Well, wanted to let you all know that I am still alive...just had taken a few days off to concentrate on my wife and family.

I've read through the posts since I was last on...I've got to say that I hope everyone is doing well and that everyone had a good Mother's Day.

Cards-
I can imagine how both you and your husband feel. I am sure that your husband was really hurt at first by what he'd learned, but I'm hoping that he's using this as a chance to fix things as well...a chance to learn more about the both of you, and a chance to take this more seriously and to be able to begin working on meeting those needs.

Glad to hear you're getting good mileage out of the books I'd recommended too!

Keep being honest with your husband about EVERYTHING going forward now...THAT is how he'll re-build his trust and respect for you friend.

Sys-
Sorry to hear that the NC hadn't gone as well as you'd thought...I can relate. Remember, in my wife's case, it went on for a month, supposedly with contact ending each week...but it never came close. It finally went about 2 1/2 weeks, and then he slipped and emailed her again...but THAT was when contact was finally, completely ended. She never understood why she couldn't keep him as a friend...but the good news is that she absolutely does understand that now.

I've made it past a few of my 'anniversary' days...and things went VERY well. I've got to get some work done, but I'll post an update on that later today.

Owl - Glad to see you are still alive! Glad to hear also that you made it through those critical 'anniversary' days and that things went well!

Cards, how did your weekend go? I was thinking about you over the weekend and hoping things went well with you and your H.

Weekend went well for me. My H and daughters were very good to me yesterday and spoiled me for Mother's Day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sys-

I've re-read your last post. I know how you feel on the trust issue...and on the 'did I really know my wife' concept as well.

I've come to the conclusion that there IS something of an 'innocence lost' thing that happens as a result of an affair in a marriage...there are changes to how the BS views the marriage and their spouse that to a degree are irrevocable. You've lost the innocent belief that your marriage was 'special'...that something like this could never happen to you or your wife. You'd totally and completely trusted her with your heart and your feelings...but you've learned that if things DO get bad enough, she is willing to hurt you. I too have gone through this...and the truth is, you're marriage will never be exactly what it was before the affair.

I STILL have doubts occasionally...totally unreasonable, unjustified doubts. BUT...I don't act on them. I recognize them for what they are, and don't let them affect my actions or attitude. I can also tell you that I don't have them anywhere NEARLY as often or as strongly as I did when I was in your stage of things...so hopefully that will provide you with a little hope. The other good news is that once you get to the point where you ARE working through things, and you ARE talking about what you feel and the issues in your lives...your marriage can be BETTER in those aspects than it was before the A. Mine is.

I told my wife the day before our 'anniversary' of a family event last week that there were two days I was worried about...and I told her that I'd made the CHOICE to not to relive the past, but to enjoy today. She was glad to hear it...and even gladder to see me actually do it at that event, as well as yesterday during Mother's Day. (Last year, Mother's Day was horrible. She'd spent the whole day wishing she could be with him...the kids and I knew something was wrong, but couldn't seem to do anything about it...).

I took a four day weekend this weekend. My wife and I made a trip on Thursday to another city to take care of some family matters...and had a great time. We went to our event that nite...and I kept my thoughts of the past to an absolute minimum. I had a few moments...but shut them off completely, and it was a great nite. We had MC on Friday...and talked about it. She told our counselor that she had ONE thought about the OM that nite...and it was simply the thought of "if I had gone with him, I would have totally missed out on all of THIS". You can imagine how good that made me feel!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mother's Day was wonderful for all of us. Had a wonderful breakfest out of the house, spent the day shopping. We bought several nice, small gifts for her from the kids while we were out. And last nite, I opened "Spa Owl"...we've got a lot of good little things like a water foot massager, small parafin spa, etc... and I put them ALL to good use last nite. I spent three hours pampering my wife...and she was in heaven!! She loved it...and all I can say about thoughts of the past from last nite can simply be summed up in this....there was NO comparison!

So, wanted to share how things can be later on down the road...we're doing well. Actually, our 1 year d-day anniversary is this week...and I'm not dreading it at all at this point.

Hope this update can provide ya'll with some hope of how good things can get! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Owl - Interesting that your wife said that because that is exactly how I felt this weekend. It made me feel really bad about what could have been and I was a little down by it. I had gone to a Mother/daughter brunch on Saturday as well as a 50th anniversary party. Those events made me really think of how different things would have been if I would have pursued the OM. The events made me think of family and how important these things really are. My H and I discussed my feelings over the weekend. I'm trying to be open with this. He just told me...what were you thinking???? Meaning...didn't you think about all of these things when you were in the A??? I would have to say...I didn't really think!!

2BN-

Well, I knew that my wife wasn't thinking during that time. And I'd actually laid it out for her before she got on the plane...the rough part of our conversation that day was when I told her very clearly that if she went to be with him, she'd never be part of MY life again. And she'd envisioned this life of her living with him, and with me and the kids being some kind of extended family type thing, and we'd all be happy. NOT based in reality for sure...but that's pretty normal from what I've learned since.

This weekend was aweseome for us...and it's very clear to both of us that the 'stress' in our lives right now really doesn't have to do with my wife and I...it's all about dealing with our kids at this point! LOL

Sys-

I started to reply to your post on Friday, but ran out of time to finish. If it’s no longer timely or pertinent I apologize. I am so humbled by your post and it’s difficult for me to respond to your pain and anger. There is no justification for our EA's. I am sure your thoughts aptly express what my H must feel and I will have him read it. Have you expressed all this to your W? Maybe you should print it out and show it to her. I would love for my H to be able to verbalize his pain and feelings like you did.



I think we all deal with things differently. I have always been one to write in order to express my thoughts (hmmm it just occurs to me that our EAs were based on writing). Many people can't do that. My H can't and I don't expect that he will ever do any posting here. Last week I voiced my concern to my H about if my posting would be affected by the fact that he may read. Like you said, I don't want to hold anything back and have to word differently just because he may read it. Maybe your W would look at the info on the site instead? Maybe just reading SAA? That would get her on the principles at least. More than anything, I was relieved to know that the insanity I was going through was not abnormal.



No intent to hurt you and no idea of the consequences. She was not able to "think outside" the EA once it was going on. I know that is of little or no consolation, but that is the honest answer. At the time the EA was being "created" and pulling me in, my mind was still believing that there was nothing wrong with the R. There were no forward thoughts that there was any deceit or that trust would be broken. Later, at discovery, it was simply denial and backpeddling in order to not lose everything.

YES, your W and I will have to work hard to prove our trustworthiness. This is why I am working SO hard to understand what happened. My character has never been in question before. I am a church board member, our kids attend a religion based school, I work as a CFO - honesty and integrity have always been at the top of the list as my personality traits. What happened to my brain that allowed me to behave this way? Where did my sense go? It's like a separate being overtook me. Today I feel basically back to the same person I was before the EA, but during that time I was an alien. My sleep habits were messed up, I couldn’t focus on work or my family, I didn’t eat much, my thinking did not feel normal. It was as much physical as it was emotional. My point is, Sys, that I think almost anyone could find themselves falling into a mess like this. I want to believe that my lack of judgment was temporary and not the true reflection of me. I have to assume that I was REALLY starved in the EN area in order for this to happen. I didn’t make itself know until the EA, and I didn’t understand it until AFTER the EA.

My H & I spent a lot of time on The Five Languages of Love last night, trying to pinpoint which language we each receive love in. We were easily able to determine his, but having difficulty deciding on mine. We decided that my “love tank” has been empty for a long time and I was trying to limp along by putting other things in my life. I am having to dig deep to find how and what kind of love I need from my H. It was a great discussion in that at least we are getting it all out in the open and are able to be honest about it. Neither of us is blaming each other, in fact, we are both taking a lot of responsibility. I really am feeling hopeful.

Owl, I am so glad you’ve had a great few days! It sounds as though our M is really on the right track and you are feeling secure in your R with your W. She has been able to be honest with you, and while you haven’t always liked what you heard, that openness between you has allowed the trust to re-grow.

2BN-Glad you had a Good Mother’s Day as well. How else are you doing?

Wow, a lot to reply to after the weekend:

Owl -just to be sure, the NC breaking happened in the first weeks after d-day, before our MC and all. Since then she has been golden -I am certain of it and more confident in it with each passing day. In fact, I am so confident now that I really feel ike we wreally have a chance to get down to work on our M. I am barely thinking about OM anymore. I did get some second hand news that he left her old guild, so not that it matters, but it's one more step removed. My wife is also pretty much saying that she doesn't think she's going back to EQ1 at all -talking about cancelling her station pass. I think we've found a lot of satisfaction playing EQ2 together and it feels great. I finally feel like I understand that part of her life. It was a big part of her life for years, one that I never joined her in -probably one of the few things we never shared and I can't help but think that even that led to some of our drift. Anyway, wanted to clear that up. All of that awful venting was really just to let Cards know what the EA did to me and what effect it has had on my impression of both myself and my wife.


Cards-

I know it sounded very harsh -but it was a harsh experience. I hope it helped in some way.

It is hard to imagine the irrational state of mind the EA put you (and presumably my W) in, but I take your assessment at face-value. I can't be focused on what was anyway. I want to understand it, but I need to see what I and we can do now. As for my wife looking out here -hmmm maybe -as I mentioned, I had her read your thread and about all I got was "it was long". I gave her an EN questionnaire to go over if she would (she said she would ), but has yet to do anything with it -I didn't want to nag this weekend at all -trying to keep it a fun weekend. Hopefully she'll get around to it. I did mine but wanted to wait until she did one to go over it. Maybe if she doesn't, do one I'll just go over it with her anyway.


I can't help but wonder if this is some of the confusion my wife has described to me about being the kind of person she needs to be. I can't help but wonder how much trauma the whole affair has done to her that she hasn't gotten a handle on. I think this is another area I can help her with -I hope. I really wish she would come out here and talk to you , maybe gain some insight. We're due for a good talk, so this is on the list now too.

I did want to let everyone know though that we had a really great weekend . My wife says this was her best Mother's Day ever and had a great time. I hope though she doesn't see my effort as just another attempt to win her back (it is, but this is how it's going to be from now on ). It's going to take time I think for her to believe that I have no plans on ever stopping my efforts to be the best H I can. I think at the same time though, there is a lot of regret on both our parts that it wasn't like this all along. But we can't look back forever I hope this all helps build hope in her and hopefully, we'll get it all back together again.

The one thing thatI have noticed is that I still find that she responds to a lot of my efforts more with politeness than affection -maybe this is just the way she is going to respond for now. What I mean is, instead of a hug, or a kiss, or a simple touch, she'll say "thank you", or "oh, you didn't have to do that", etc. -it's all very verbal right now. Then again she has made it clear that she is having some difficulty with physical affection. She isn't really expressing what might be at the root of it ,but she's trying -I can tell. Any ideas?

Sys-

Just like your trust is going to take a long time demonstration of your wife's openness, honesty, and eventual willingness to work things out, HER trust of your intent is going to take a long time demonstration of the change in behaviors as well. I know it really isn't fair, but it's true.

Just remember friend...most marriages take years to recover from something like what we've been through. Right now, you're in a better spot than you were...and the odds are pretty good at this point that they're just going to get better. She's at least willing to try...and you're willing to do your part as well.


Well, I can tell you that we had similar issues, but for a much shorter time than in your case...but my wife's EA was a lot shorter as well. And realize that in our case, the 'fantasy' aspect was pushed quite a bit by the OM...and it got to a point where she thought about him during intimate moments...and that created a LOT of stress for her when we started to become physical in any sense. Perhaps your wife is dealing with something similar.

Another possibility comes to mind too. I hesitate to ask this, but...

How POSITIVE are you that they NEVER had the chance to meet in person? One POSSIBLE cause of this could be that this has proceeded to a PA, and she's dealing with issues from THAT...but I have no idea how likely that is or isn't my friend.

I'm sorry for thinking about that...but it's something I've seen here and on LS too.

Perhaps Cards or 2BN may have better insight for you my friend.

I'm 99.9999999% sure it could have never gotten to a PA -he lives 1000 miles away, doesn't have much in the way of money, by the time the EA began he was out of work and frankly my wife never gets away from the kids. I can't see how he could have come in and had a stealth PA with her. It just isn't logistically possible. Now, we were having physical relations during the EA and as much as it hurts to think about it, I bet she was thinking of him at the time. I imagine this could be part of what is holding her back. But I'm not even looking for sex at this point (although I have to admit, maybe it is the forbidden fruit aspect, but she has never been more physically attractive to me and it kills me to not be able to express those feelings). All I'd like is a spontaneous kiss from her. I do get them occasionally, maybe I'm just in too much of a hurry. But like I said, I'm a bit overwhelmed by my need for physical affection from her and beyond some cuddling at night, I'm not getting much more than the occasional goodbye-kiss/hug. I do try to initiate physical affection myself though in hopes that she will become more comfortable with it as time goes by and maybe can offer more herself. I can tell though that she's trying even if she isn't "feeling " it yet. I just hope that whatever is blocking her can be overcome.

This is occurring with me, too, Sys, but I had withdrawn and often rebuffed physical affection even BEFORE the EA. Likewise, I had not offered physical affection. So for us to solve this problem we have had to look some earlier in our M. If this is happening to you only since the EA, I can't really answer to that. I'm assuming you know that in general, women must feel an emotional & intimate connection before being physically intimate. If these needs have not been met for her it is likely to be part of the problem.

As Owl suggests, could there have been any type of a sexual R? I would think that even sexual conversations could have some impact on this.

Sys, no problem for venting. That's what we are all here for.

Nail on the head I think. My W has told me that her sexual desire for me had diminished a while ago, so like everything else, she never said anything and just "went along with it". So although we had what I thought was good, if not frequent sex, she wasn't really there. Now that it's all out in the open, we can't jsut go back to that. Besides I don't want to go back to that. The illusion was complete, but now that it's been shattered, I don't want anything but a meaningful physical realtionship with her. As you say, I think we need to get back to that emotional and intimate connection.

And yeah, I'm pretty sure they got to some level of sexual conversations -the one I saw that revealed the affair was pretty tame, but clearly intimate. I'm hoping that time will be of help here too. I jsut wish I felt like she was being more active in trying to work it out -seems like she's wating for time to do most of the work. Maybe with time she'll be more willing to "act".

I'm doing a lot of "nice" things for her and trying to fulfill her EN's but there are so many areas that I think we need to engage in that she has held back from me. I wish I could get to those places more easily. Talking about her feelings is a really hard place to go to. She is so hesitant to let me in still even though we are improving in our everday relations, the intimacy aspect is not coming along as well. Maybe we need to build to it slowly. But we're not going to get there without her opeingin up to me at some point. It's so exhausting trying to manage this situation by myself. I feel like she's doing what she can, but I'm trying to do all the active work. Part of it is that our MC is taking a very slow approach, where I'm anxious to get more active in terms of working on us. I'm not sure who's got the right approach.

Maybe I'm just tired from a weekend of really going on overdrive trying to make her feel special and appreciated and loved. I she really did appreciate it and I can't kid myself and expect one great weekend to fix the situation, but man, it is tiring trying so hard all the time to make things better and see marginal improvements if any. I just have this dream of a time when all of this effort pays off and. I ca't quite see when that will be yet -if ever. Still, I'm not giving up. I love her too much and too completely. She cares for me too, I know she does, she just doesn'think she's in-love with me.

Well, like I'd mentioned, I know that my wife went through some similar issues, but not for as long as your wife, Sys. And I too know that there was no PA involved...nor even a lot of sexual discussion...but that 'fantasy' element did come into play, and made it very difficult for my wife to be physically intimate with me for while.

I can tell you that for me I had no interest at all in any kind of sexual discussion with OM until later in the EA AFTER he was showering me with "feelings" which often came in the form of sending IM hearts and kisses. That is amazing to me that something that simple could create that emotional & intimate connection. I was receiving love - and that's all it took! That intimacy easily can EASILY lead to sexual intimacy for women.



Yes, I'm still feeling this way too, especially about the physical touch - all types of physical touch. Probably still some withdrawal going on. Believe, time is a huge aid here. I am doing incrementally better than I was even a month ago (since my vacation), meaning I have had very few down days where I've felt depressed and felt the loss. As this all subsides, the focus continues to slowly go back to life, M, & H. Let time help you. I do not want my H to push in this area. It's not about OM, it's about working on the issues and finding the way back to H.



Maybe you should back off a little bit if it doesn't appear everything is having an impact. I do not want to feel smothered right now. Notice what things she really seems to appreciate and thank you for. If you burn yourself out and get frustrated and stop, it may really hinder the process. I don't have a lot of advice on this because in addition to working on the M, there is so much in my head about what my individual issues are. I am thinking that it is possible to "over do" it.

I really would recommend the Five Languages of Love book that Owl recommended. It has been more helpful for us than most of the other books. It basically kind of groups the EN's into 5 "languages" - a little more workable than analyzing 10 EN's. One of the languages is physical touch, which we've determined to be my H's language. We pretty much decided that he was not loving me in my language of Acts of Service & Words of Affirmation, which led me to withdraw and not speak his language of Physical Touch. It is very enlightening.

Hi all,
Just thought I'd pop in and give my regards and an update. I lurk and read how things are going with you Cards and 2BN, saying a prayer for your continued success right after the prayer for my own.

Cards, congrats on showing your H this thread and recent disclosures. Between that and 2BN's disclosures, you guys have my admiration cuz I know how hard that is. 2BN, I laughed about the Friday comment from your H...he's obviously craving quiet Friday's at this point.

Owl said:


I'm there finally. All my efforts and thoughts are with my H, my children and our recovery. I made that conscious election and I control my thoughts. I decide where I focus my energy and thoughts...they do not control me. The only thing I think about OM is that it is over and he is not a part of my life. That is my closure.

I also have been focusing on the thought that marriage cannot make me happy. In fact, no other person on earth can make me happy. Happiness eminates from within me, and not vice versa. I have been thinking of the things and activities that create happiness within me....and from there it will eminate from me into my family. My happiness will be shared with my H, and the more activities I invest in for myself, can then be shared with him. We are creating a new life.

Cards and 2BN, you're doing so great. I "hear" things in your comments that were never there before. You're leaps and bounds farther ahead than when you first started...I hope you see it like I do. I hope you can keep looking forward. An angel sent Owl to you for guidance. You're wise Owl, and I don't care what you say about that! Owl stuggles too, I know, but we all do and will for some time to come. It's all for a good cause and we work towards recovery.

Things are going good for me. I'm only a couple of weeks ahead of you and am feeling good. I feel much more focused on my H instead of OM and more importantly, instead of me. I've put him through a lot and am ready to help him now. No more "me me me". I have moments, but time really helps.

Anyhoo, I wanted mostly to provide encouragement and say I admire your strength. By the end of this journey, I fully expect to be smarter, wiser and more savy about what it means to be married and what love is all about.
GS

PS - gave my H a wedding ring this last weekend. He lost his in the first year of our marriage and for the last 19 years never wore one. Didn't seem important. Well, this time there was no ceremony, no rituals, fancy clothes or planned event. But, I feel like I know more now what it really means to be married. A painful road to self-discovery, but I understand so much more know.

Good morning everyone! I wasn't able to get back on here yesterday and I just got caught up with everything.

Gentlsoul - It's good to hear from you! It's such an encouragement to see you and your H are recovering and doing so well! That was such a wonderful thing for you to do for your H with the wedding ring! I do remember reading somewhere that you H had lost it years ago. My H had lost his original wedding ring within the first year of our marriage as well! That very day we bought him a new one on our way home from where he lost it. (he lost it at the beach in the water)

After I read through what everyone wrote yesterday, I had some thoughts of my own and a few questions. It was touched by everyone about the sexual conversations with the OM. For me I seemed to have defined when the EA started by when the sexual conversations started, but now I'm not so sure? I felt a gradual liking and connection to the OM over the period of 6 - 7 months before we admitted any 'feelings' toward each other, but the very moment we outwardly exressed our feelings, the sexual conversations started. It was hard for us to refrain from these intimate conversations once we got started. So, maybe my EA was really longer than I thought? Any thoughts here? Also Cards, you had talked about the OM sending hearts and such through IM's. I know for me once our feelings were out, we started with hearts on our emails and 'I love you's' beginning and ending our emails. I guess for me, it was that 'constant' love and affection and words of affirmation from the OM that I craved. I also felt that both the OM and I needed this in our lives as I think about what he shared about his M to me.

Another thought. Cards you had mentioned that you like to write out things and your H does not. I had thought I had wanted some of this from my H as well, but I realize he is a face-to-face person. I had emailed my H several times, but he told me he prefers face to face. That is a big reason he is not interested in reading on these forums or writing on these forums as well. I have to accept that in him. The OM had told me several times that he and his W were not good face-to-face, but rather wrote out and emailed all of "their problems". He had actually emailed me excerpts of her emails at times. I don't think I would want a M where I couldn't speak to my H face-to-face regarding our issues. I'm sure they did at times, but they were able to verbalize better by writing for some reason.

Also it seems that most of you can 'remember' what your M was like before the EA's. For me, I cannot remember! It has been too long for me when all of this started, that I'm not really too sure what our life was like before the EA's. I don't remember feeling like I was missing anything in my life and I'm sure I was 'content' in my M. But, how did these OM make me 'feel' all of a sudden that I wasn't content?

Cards - I think you are doing great with being able to discuss your love languages with your H! You two are really starting to communicate so much more!

2BN -



MOST DEFINITELY!!!!! This = Emotional Affair!!!!

Sorry for the exclamation, 2B, but this was it exactly for me. I will write again later....... but had to respond to this!!

Good morning all!

GS- I DO believe that God has had a hand in guiding all of us in recovering our marriages...I KNOW for a fact that He's been completely responsible for recovering mine. There are too many things that 'fell into place', and too many things that 'just happened' to work out fortuitiously in our recovery for me to believe that this could have been anything less than His plan. I don't know what His plan is for me coming here, or for me providing my insight into things to others, but it's what I've felt compelled to do.

It was a year ago today that I learned of my wife's EA. And I remember praying hard...but I prayed for God to make happen what He wanted to happen...I didn't ask for anything for myself.

My M is FAR better today than it was a year ago today...it's far better today than what it was TWO years ago, long before the A. I wouldn't ever have wanted to go through what we've been through, but at least I can see the good that has come out of it.

2BN-
I would say that your EA did begin before the timeframe that you're thinking of...in truth, it began the moment you started sharing things with the OM(s) that should have been shared with your husband. But I would also say that it doesn't matter...because that's in the past. As long as you know NOW where to make boundaries in your dealings with opposite sex friends, and you and your husband are working to improve your R to a point where you're not at risk for another A, then it's all good.

I wouldn't worry about not knowing 'how your M was before the EA's'. The build your M to be what you want it to be NOW. You've learned a lot about your needs from all of this, use that knowledge to help strengthen your R with your husband then. And at the same time, use this opportunity to do the same thing FOR YOUR HUSBAND too!

Cards (and Sys)-
You're totally right about how the intimacy of FEELINGS precedes the sexual intimacy...and believe it or not, it often works that way for men too. So it's not really surprising to find that the emotional intimacy has to be built up first before the physical intimacy can begin to return after a crisis like what we've all been through here.


Well, I'm not going to let my d-day anniversary get me down. I've committed myself to focusing on how much better things ARE NOW, rather than how bad things were then. Here's to hoping we all have a great day today!

Owl, I was thinking this as well as I have reflected over this. I guess the hard thing for me to fathom, if this is true, is that I was having 2 EA's simultaneously then! I know this doesn't matter since it's in the past, but I never really thought of it this way until recently.

I also have not shared this before and I believe this is an important fact to mention. Before my H and I were married, I had an A with a married man for a period over 2 years and leading right up to my M. My H didn't realize anything physical had occurred with this man until after our first year of M, and I was quite vague to my H at that time. Now, jump ahead 15 years in our M, my H learned the entire truth of this A and it hit my H like it was yesterday! It was devastating to him and took alot to get over it. I don't really think we ever dealt with it properly our entire M, and then 2 years after I had exposed this A (which was prior to our M)...I started another A. I have alot of 'digging internally' to do here to try to figure out why I let this happen again and again in my life.

So, previous to these most current A's, there were still issues that my H and I were dealing with in this area.


This is great Owl!

2BN-

Have you ever done any individual counseling? I'm not bashing you here my friend, but it sounds to me like you should seriously look for something along these lines to help you sort out why you've behaved in the manner that you have.

It sounds to me like you've got a VERY strong husband to have weathered all of this...I do hope that you seriously look at what changes you both need to make, so that you don't lose him if this kind of behavior continues.

I'd forgotten...do you and your husband do MC right now? If not, I'd SERIOUSLY recommend that you both consider that as well...now that ALL of the truth is out there, I would think that it would do you both a world of good...and would help you both sort through a lot of this as well.

Owl, I've never done IC. I mentioned this to my H, but never looked into it. Right now we are so swamped with life that I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I hadn't mentioned the A prior to my M before because I didn't want that to play into what I've been going through, but I really do think it's all tied together somehow. Funny thing is that I told all of my failures regarding this to the OM, and he still wanted me! I don't get it, because I wouldn't 'want' a person who did what I did. But the OM had an A about 4-5 years prior, and I seemed to have wanted him. I guess we overlook these things when we are in the 'fantasy'.

My H and I are not in MC right now. We had only gone to a few sessions. We had told the MC about this A prior to our M, but she didn't really offer much help with that relating to the more recent A's. What we didn't like, is that the MC 'seemed' to know who this person was I had the A with. We didn't give our MC the name of this man, but only the context of where it happened. Our MC wanted us to reveal this man's name to her to see if she was right. We would not. My H and both felt this was very unprofessional of her.

My H is a very strong man. Each time, he said he could not take one more....but somehow he did. I really want and desire to make my life and M better, not only for my H, but for me as well.