Gentlesoul hangs out over on the recovery board, bless her heart. I'll post over there and see if we can have her join in our fun here.

I can understand your desire to wait so that you can provide support for your husband...but I have to tell you that what probably helped my wife and I come together after OUR d-day was the fact that we both knew how much pain the other was in, and at least did what we could to manage things.

I knew she was hurting, and why, even though I'd never read a thing on how affairs work. I knew it was an addiction, and knew she was in withdrawl tho I didn't have a name for it. What I DIDN'T know was any way to judge how long or short it would last, nor how to deal with it from my angle. But the fact that she still cared enough about me to actually worry about how I was doing made a difference for me. It actually surprised me...and it led her to see that she truly was still "in love" with me as well within a few weeks.

Like I said friend...you can come up with tons of 'reasons' why not to come clean now...but the truth is there is no better time to do it. I DO think God has a hand in how this is to work out...I think that He is talking to you now.

Since you believe...stop now, and pray. And ask God what He wants you to do right now. Ask for His guidance, and His support. Listen to what He tells you. If you don't hear it...go to the Bible and read it. My honest thoughts are that you're already hearing what He is telling you to do...you're just scared to do so. But remember this...He has nothing but the best wishes for ALL of us.

Pray, plan, and then act.

I didn't expect that you HAD a plan right now. What I'm asking you to do is to MAKE your plan now. And bring that here.

Please, give this all some deep thought. And prayer.

Mary - Ok, now I do remember you writing that you met the OM.

You mentioned you want this "perfect" timing to tell your husband of the OM and that you want to be somewhat healed first. Let me share a little about what happened to me to help you understand that yes, in your mind, you want it that way, but it's really NOT the best way.

I'll back up to July 2003. This is when the 1st OM contacted me. He contacted me through classmates. NO I didn't go to high school with him, but I met him while vacationing with my family when I was 16. I was intrigued that this man...after all these years said he had feelings for me! Is this a little how you felt? Thoses lovey gooshy feelings like when you were a teenager? It brought me right back to those exciting feelings you feel as a teenager! Well, I fell for all his words and lines and within 1 month I declared I loved this man. After all I hadn't felt these feeling in such a long time and they felt good! My husband didn't ever tell me these things! It all "felt" so right. Then the "plan"! He found a way to get to my state (he lives 1100 miles away!) for 3 days. Wow I couldn't believe WE would actually be able to meet after 25 years! I planned, I schemed to make it work! However, when the OM came here, all my plans started to fall apart on the very first day! My husband just knew something was up but couldn't figure out what. It was an absolute nightmare over 3 days....but I STILL tried as hard as I could to be with this OM as much as I could. When he left, I thought I would absolutely die!

My husband kept searching and trying to figure out what was happening and he dug into my cell phone records to find out I had been calling someone. I confessed to my husband about this OM coming to see me and I told my husband I would tell the OM the very next day it was over!

I did tell the OM it was over! But it was devastating that everything didn't turn out as I wanted....(are you hearing the me me ME in all of this??) Well that lasted less than a week! I contacted the OM again and told him I still wanted to continue to email and talk and he agreed.

And my downward spiral of horrible events kept going on from there. I started to see that this OM was not the "ideal man", but I was still addicted to him. I didn't care that he was not my "ideal" after all I wanted to hear those words he spoke to me. I was miserable!

Then...I sought help on a Christian forum...which is where I met OM2. After about a month on there, I started to correspond with this man who was to become OM 2. Wow, someone understood me and wanted to help me! He prayed and listened to me everyday until I said good-bye to OM1. Well, OM2 and I were already attached to each other. What do we do? He did his job, but I felt that I still needed him because he "understood" me and he felt the same as well.

Less than a month of saying good-bye to the OM1, OM2 and I began our venture to where we should have NEVER gone. This OM was so much better with words than the first OM. I loved EVERYTHING he wrote and he was a Christian as well (the 1st OM wasn't a Christian) Within a month after I said good-bye to OM 1, I was declaring my love for OM2! How crazy is that????

Do you see that all I was seeking were the "feelings" I felt I needed and the "needs" I felt ONLY the OM could give me?? Don't get me wrong, I felt attached to this OM2 and even wanted to marry him. This is how I felt back then!

What I've learned is that these OM were really nothing "special". Any old OM would have done the trick!

But, my husband who I have been married to for 19 years...he is the one who deserves sooo much more than what I did to him! He has been committed to me for all these years! All during the EA's and even through the awful withdrawals, I still felt only the OM could provide what I "needed". I couldn't let go and give my husband the chance. I felt that if I did and give my heart to him completely, I would be betraying the OM. That's sounds strange as I type this now, but I really felt that way.

I sense this is where you are at Mary. You know what the right thing to do is, but you still feel a sense of loyalty to the OM. I completely understand that. And I feel if you don't tell you husband now, you are still going to "cherish" that sense of loyalty to the OM. This is why it's sooo important to tell your husband. I kept secrets for soooo long, and oh if I would have just not given in to write OM 1 again after he left, I would have saved myself alot of heartache and troubles.

I know you want to know about Cards and her re-contacting the OM...please don't use that for justification to contact the OM. What do you need to resolve with the OM that you feel you need to? I felt that need for closure as well as the OM kept the "door" open for 4 months after it all ended and we were able to discuss some things. But, in the whole big scheme of things, I don't think it was the right thing to do. If you tell your husband, you and your husband - together- can write a NC letter to the OM and end it once ahd for all.

OK - I've just written a book I think! Sorry for so much, but I just wanted to share a bit with you.

I'll be praying for you Mary that you will make the right decision!

edited to add: This OM is trying to pursue another relationship, but yet keeps you hanging on??? Mary - He doesn't sound like such an honorable guy....sorry to say that, but how fair is that to either of you, his new "friend"...let alone your husband? The OM needs to be free to lead an honest life. Don't you agree?

Mary - Here I am adding more for you to read! I forgot to mention about how you didn't feel and don't feel ashamed about meeting the OM and sharing kisses. I didn't feel ashamed either about meeting OM1! I cherished it and tried to remember every moment.

It's only now...looking back and seeing where I am now, from where I came from do I feel horrible and ashamed for what I did not only to me, but my huband and God! I feel horrible knowing that I wrote a "special" note in my handwriting to this OM the day he left. And I am sure he still has it as well as pictures we took of each other. Just knowing that they exist makes me sick!! My husband KNOWS all of this. I told him everything and today I love him sooo much! He has been a great help to see me through this.

Honestly, you will see it this way, ONCE you come through this! I NEVER thought I would feel how I do now. I just couldn't see it back than.

OK - ...enough for now...still praying for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am having to get on MB early before H gets on the computer for the day.

Thanks Owl. I must still have a 'working conscience' because your message sure made me cry.

And 2BNormal, this must be hard for you to be reviewing your
heartache from the past. Thank you so much for taking the time to care about me. You are SO sweet and kind and I am just so happy that you and your husband have healed; that he was able to totally forgive you.

I said earlier that I think some of us that turn to another man have a FLAW and part of it is a NEEDINESS to be NEEDED.
Even though our husbands appreciate and need us; we tend to want more.

It seems that you and your H have rekindled that first love and your H is filling that EN that OM once filled. GREAT.

I am wanting to hear from Cards of why she contacted OM after many months of not contacting him (if it helped her let go) not to have a reason to contact OM again. I promised in an earlier post that I won't. The only email I will ever send him will be a simple:
"Do not email to this address anymore, Thanks." That's it.

You are right in that he deserves to work on this new relationship and let go of me completely; close all doors.
(And windows.~lol~)

So Cards, we would love to hear more from you. I wonder if your H can read this thread? If so, it may not be a Safe enough Haven to really express your inner feelings.
I know the last thing you want to do is hurt him more.

Good morning Mary!

I would like to hear from Cards as well as what happened. I'm not sure, but I think it's hard for her to write on here much....don't know, but it seems that she got busy at work and that seemed to be why she didn't write much over these past months....but let's be patient, I'm sure she will answer you when she has the time to gather her thoughts and has the time to write.

Mary - I also wanted to let you know that my husband is not exactly meeting "my" needs just like how both of the OM did. It's different. I had to start getting the focus off of me and start to think of my husband. That really helped!! I try to see him how Jesus sees him and to love him how the Lord wants me to love him. It's only when I started to take all the focus off of me and "my needs" I felt entitled to that my love grew for my husband. He's only human and cannot meet all my needs so perfectly. He has done a great job though and we are still learning together. That has been the wonderful part. I KNOW he's trying and that's what's important to me.

Even after I failed the other day with sending that email to the OM, my husband was still by my side and I even sense we are closer now. We have had some really hard moments over this past year, and at times he still holds some resentment for what I did. It hasn't all been so great, but we are working together on it.

Anyways - Just wanted to share that with you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mary-

I have to honestly say that I'm not sorry that you cried. It does indeed indicate that you've still got your conscience...and that you probably still love your H very much too.

Again...so what is your plan? Have you done what I've suggested? Pray, plan, then act.

It's that simple friend. NOT easy...but simple. And you'll feel better than you can possibly realize right now when it comes out. Ask Cards, Gentlesoul, Dorry, Mrs Wondering, 2BN...they've been where you're at. I've not. They can help you understand better what you're in for from their viewpoint.

And I KNOW that God is talking to you right now...I KNOW this. Why else would you be here, on this site, RIGHT NOW...with all of these people who are ready to help you deal with things? That have been where you are...that have been where your husband is/will be? Realize that a vast majority of the time in our lives, that pain we feel is when we're resisting the path that God set us on. He doesn't expect us to be robots, but at the same time, He knows and wants the best for us. And we create so much of our own pain by fighting and resisting what we know we should do. And we give that pain up when we finally start taking the steps needed to fix things.

So, I'm not backing down friend.

What's your status? If you've not started, start now. Take some quiet time to yourself, right now. Find a room where you can go into and sit and pray. And listen to what you get back. Ask what you need to do, and LISTEN to what God tells you. Use that answer to make your plans...come talk with us when you have an idea on what you want to do, and we can provide advice and input on it...and then...ACT.

That simple...again...NOT EASY...but simple.

Mary - What Owl says is true. It's NOT EASY. But with the Lord as your strength you can do this!

Seek God. Submit to God. He will help you!

Here are a couple of verses to help you:


If you submit to God in this...His Word and His promise is peace!! Don't you want peace in this, Mary?



God is right there to uphold you and take you by your hand. There is nothing to fear. He will be your strength!


One more...I made this my prayer to help me submit my will to His:

Pray and seek the Lord, and He will lead you! He doesn't promise it will be easy, but He does promise He will be right there with you!

Mary, you out there? Hoping that you've taken some good steps forward friend!

Thanks Owl and 2BNormal.
Right now in my life, I think I am just in LIMBO.
(Edited to say, I did write on 'Lemonman's story' this
morning.)

However, I AM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT CARDS.

Something just doesn't feel right.
I am VERY CONCERNED that she is having some deep inside
emotional difficulty.

CARDS, ARE YOU OKAY? TALK TO US. WE ARE YOUR ONLINE FRIENDS. WE CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

Mary-

I really enjoy dealing with all of you...and Cards has been a truly great help for me.

But right now, please don't change the focus to her. You need to worry about YOU.

You're simply looking for a way to postpone what you need to do...again.

I'm not giving up on this friend...now is the time and here is the place...

Hi Mary - I'm not giving up on you either! I HAVE been where you are and I KNOW this attachment you feel for the OM. I KNOW you enjoy what he gives you in terms of EN's.

Can you tell us what you are in LIMBO about? What is your plan right now?

I care about you and want to see you get through this just as I have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> PLEASE keep posting on here...I'm VERY concerned about YOU right now!

edited to add: Are you praying as to what God wants you to do?

Mary-

There is only one way out of limbo...taking action!

If you do nothing, change nothing, then nothing will change.

They say that action speaks louder than words. And that is true. I hear you say that you love your H, that you want to do what's best for both him and yourself. But I don't see you taking action to make that happen. Please don't take this as an attack...but I KNOW that if no one goads you to do the right thing, you're going to just sit where you're at now...letting your H meet some of your needs, and your OM meet the others when he can. And NOTHING will get better.

And your husband will eventually find out what's been going on...and the damage to your marriage will be FAR harder to repair then as opposed to you admitting to what has been going on and taking active steps to fix the problems.

PRAY about this friend..ask God what He wants you to do here...and quit fighting it and start doing it.

2BN,Owl, & Mary

Mary, I am fine, thank you for your concern. I am not done with this whole EA issue, but I have spent this WHOLE year healing myself, H, & M. It’s been a long process and continues….. I will elaborate on what transpired with NC another time, it is not relevant to what you need to hear right now. I do have to tell you that watching & reading for the last couple days has been unexpectedly supportive for me. I meant to just check in and see who was around, but I am buoyed up by your wisdom & strength. It has been very helpful. I felt as though I was plugging away pretty well, but Owl & 2BN your comments came at the right time. I suppose I posted because I was feeling weak. Thank you for reiterating what needs to be said. I so appreciate both of you and your journeys. Thank you!

Mary - Owl & 2BN are right, you should be focusing on YOU! Right now YOU need help & strength to do the right thing, to not have contact and come clean. Please listen to the advice. I know that right now you’re in a fog and it's very surreal and very hard to believe and "see" how being honest and having no contact is really going to bring you happiness. You believe you felt so much happiness from OM, but dishonesty and deceit is a very dark place that will eventually wear on your soul. I know this to be true, as do most of us WS here. We know EXACTLY what you're feeling, so PLEASE keep posting and let us help.

As Owl said, you have the perfect opportunity, right now, to end this. The timing of your H working at home and the email situation with OM is not coincidental. These obstacles were put in your way - God placed them there to help you. Use those helpful tools to deter yourself.

Cards - I'm so glad you posted again. I think you and I didn't expect to still be dealing with the EA at this stage! You posted on here at the right time for me as well. God is good with His timing! I so needed to hear how you were doing and that what I was experiencing wasn't crazy! It's good that we can draw strength from each other's experiences to keep moving forward with what we know is right.

Mary - God's timing is right. Cards didn't just by chance write on here and I didn't just by chance look on this site when Cards wrote. God's timing for you is NOW....! I know it sounds like we are really pushing you, but I can remember many months ago when I was struggling so very much with the NC and how Owl pushed me to do the right thing...and Cards kept encouraging me to do the right thing. It helped me so much to have their support on here! I honestly couldn't have done it without them...and God of course!

This IS the perfect time! The more you delay, the more you will waver in this! I KNOW that from experience! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is so wonderful to hear from you Cards. It is obvious that you are still struggling from this EA. (You too 2BNormal)
If you ever want to talk more about it, you know we are here.

Owl, 2BNormal and Cards. Thanks for caring and not giving up on me. You speak of God's timing and it happened just now.
My H went into town for awhile so I had some computer time.

Om sent me this today (after 2 weeks of no messages) on my Yahoo acct I had set up last year, just to receive notes from him and I just couldn't stand it.
I know what all of you mean by back to square one in withdrawal & healing.

This is what he sent:
He wrote this:......tis true.......
http://www.alighthouse.com/day4.htm

I just had to stop this NOW. I want you to know your advice here has helped me; has given me the 'push' that I needed.
I just did something without hardly thinking about it first.

I wrote this reply:
"Do not send anymore emails. Thanks... This account is closed as of today...12-08-05"

I didn't want to just BLOCK his emails, I wanted him to know I would no longer accept or receive them. I am NOT mad at him; just think this is best for everyone.

I wasn't even sure if it was possible but I found the place in Yahoo to cancel the email acct by going to HELP. (It was called "cancelling your Yahoo Mail Personal Address Service") Was it HARD? Only God knows how HARD it was. VERY VERY DIFFICULT..(After I clicked on that CLOSE button, I went back and checked and it didn't work, I got sick. Chills and nausea.)

Yet I know in my heart it was the right thing for me to do. TO HAVE SOME CONTROL over this situation.

Ok I made the first step. However, on telling H, I will not tell him during Dec. I do not want Christmas to forever be a reminder. You can get on me again the first of the year. Ok Friends?

For now, please don't tell me again to tell him; it has to be when my heart is ready. I know the right thing to do.
I AM formulating a PLAN, I think I will probably write H and TRY to explain versus talking with him. (Then talk)

We are going away as soon as he gets back home from town.
So no computer until Monday

So thanks again and I hope I did the right thing to cancel my email account. I have a few doubts. (I am scared really of how it will be to NEVER hear from him again, REALLY scared.)

Mary....

Wow....I FEEL your pain, Mary. I emotionally & physically reacted just reading your post. I remember so vividly. You will feel sick and you will have withdrawal.

BUT....YOU ARE SO BRAVE!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! YOU took control....what STRENGTH!!!! I know you feel like crap right now, but in the long run you will look back and be proud of yourself that YOU took the stance and acted.

Be STRONG in the next few days....we will be here when you get back. It will be a tough few days, but you're now on the right path!!!

Bless you!

Mary!!!! I am soooo VERY PROUD of you for taking control of this situation and for doing the right thing! I have tears in my eyes right now! I really believe God gave you the strength to do this right now! You did the right thing by cancelling that email account!! Satan wants to give you those doubts that you are feeling...oh he's very good at that! Don't listen to those doubts...Listen to God! You did what God wanted you to do! Draw your strength in God!

I know how painful this is and how you feel right now! It hurts I KNOW! But you will make it through!

I do understand about Christmas and ruining it with your husband. Take some time to pray for the right words to tell your husband and the right timing to tell him.

We will be here when you return! I'll be praying for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mary-

I only have a few moments. I do want to say WAY TO GO!!! on the establishing a real no contact with OM. Very good first step.

I can understand your concerns about not wanting to make Christmas a torture for your H going forward. My problem is that putting this off gives you a MONTH to not take these steps...there is no way that this is the right thing to do. You'd be better served by telling him NOW...and by busting your butt these next few weeks showing him how much you love him.

There is NOTHING you can do to spare him pain on this, other than taking ownership of what you've done, and taking ownership of helping him to heal from this damage. It doesn't matter when it is, what time of year it is. If you wait till then, he's going to wonder if your whole Christmas with him has been a farce...a facade that you simply put on for his benefit. I realize you want to help him by holding off, but it won't help.

Give him a REAL Christmas, by showing him that you love him NOW.

And doing so now gives you a few weeks to start the recovery...waiting another month just increases your chances of failure.

You've started well...not keep it moving now while you have some momentum.

Above all...do NOT, in ANY way, resume contact with OM. That will be the WORST thing to do for all of you.

And...keep praying.

Mary - I know you may not read this till Monday, but I have to agree with Owl. Waiting a month can increase your chance of failure. I know how hard it is to tell your husband though.

When the OM's wife found our emails on Dec. 26 last year (I found this out on Dec. 27)...I waited 2 days to tell my husband about the affair. I thought I could hold it in. I didn't know what I was going to do! But I was sooo miserable that I knew I HAD to tell my husband soon! I kept trying to email the OM over 2 days..and finally his wife wrote me and told me to stop!! I wrote her back and told her I'm sorry for hurting her and that I would stop. That's when I couldn't take my emotions any more and I broke down and told my husband. Was it hard?? You bet! He had no clue and he also had no clue at this time that I had continued communicating with OM 1 for 9 months after he thought it ended. I had sooo much to come clean with, but I knew the only way for healing to begin with me and our marriage was to tell him.

I just want to encourage you to pray and seek God in His timing for this. I believe it may be sooner than you want.

Anyways...on another note. Mary I think you have helped me in something! I have 2 yahoo email accounts in which I used, one for each OM and I have NEVER cancelled them and closed them out. NOW is the PERFECT time for me to do that! They have been "empty" for soo long and there is no need to have them active! I plan on doing that as soon I finish up typing this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Both yahoo accounts are closed! Yipeeeee!!!!
I should have done that months ago!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />