Mary,

There have been many threads on this site written by WS's in an affair. The most recent is by Lora(I cannot remember the numbers behind her name) on the Emotional Needs section. It is NOT as uncommon as you feel.

You have been getting great advice from OWL, please listen to it.

God Bless,

JL

Mary-

I hope you didn't think I was asking for Cards or 2BN to betray your fonfidences???

By no means...actually I was hoping that YOU were still around and that you would respond.

I guess that the only thing I really have to say to you at this point is this...please remember that YOU have the strength to do the right thing here...you really and truly do. God gave you that strength a long time ago.

Let me ask you this...what advice would YOU, personally, yourself...give a drug addict who was responding the same way that you are? They know the addiction is wrong, they know that what they're doing is not only hurting them but the people around them, but they won't do anything to fix the situation simply because they still enjoy that high they get at each fix? What advice would you give them...what would you try to do to help them? (Imagine that they're married too...but their spouse doesn't know about their addiction...)

Would you give up? Would you allow them to continue along the path that they're on without pushing them to do the right thing?

The only other option anyone has in either case (yours, and the drug situation I described above) is to wait until the person who is addicted 'crashes and burns'. Until they're caught by their spouse, until the damage is so great that it's all out of their control...but given that, there's not much help to give them when they reach that point.

Still praying for you friend...still hoping that things reach a point where God is allowed to step in and do His part here.

Owl....

Your perserverance amazes me. You must feel like you're a broken record at times, but please know that your thoughts and advice are heard. Maybe not always followed immediately, but I am sure that you are helping more people than you realize by continuing to write and support and encourage. I know that what you say always gives me food for thought. I am sure there are people reading here that don't post, and I know your words help and encourage them.

You know that those of us that have been in this EA cycle have ups and downs. It is a long process for some of us to 'see the light'. I just want to say thank you for putting the time and energy in for us.

Thanks Cards...I've often wondered if the advice I've tried to give ever really mattered or actually made a difference. I know that I'm an opinionated SOB at times...and I really don't claim to know any more than anyone else does. It's just easier sometimes to 'get it' when it comes from an outside disinterested party, you know?

Well, regardless of anything, I really do only wish the best for everyone involved in the situations where people have come and posted here.

Owl - I would like to add that I've very much appreciated all the advice you have given us on this thread as well. I've posted alot of my struggles on this thread, and I've really come a long way since I started posting last March!

Alot of times I've posted on here with my problems/struggles knowing the right thing to do, but I always need that push to DO the right thing! You have helped me see many things from the perspective of how my husband views things.

I am really looking forward to Christmas this year! I was starting to worry about all the triggers and thoughts of what transpired last year during this very week, but I have to say I feel stronger than I thought I would!

Please keep us in your prayers that it will remain this way for me this week! Last year on 12/26 was when the OM's wife found our emails and on 12/27 the OM revealed that information to me and we had to end the EA. I am truly thankful it ended, but the thoughts of the pain I experienced then and after still remain.

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2BN...

I am in a similar boat as you....my EA was very "heated" at this time last year, spending lots of time together during the holidays. D-day (#1) isn't until January for me, but this it the time when the EA was really defined for me. Many events that we are repeating this year has brought back those memories. I know that the next few weeks will have me in the throes of what was happening a year ago....Amazing, isn't it?

We need to divert our attentions and make new memories with our families. I have put in my mind to let go of this year, so to speak. A year full of emotions & soul searching & personal upheaval. I am looking forward to healing and starting anew with a new outlook for 2006.

In case I don't post again this week....to all my friends here, have a wonderful Christmas!! Thank you all..

Cards - This is a great way to think. We are starting fresh in 2006! It is really important especially this time of year (for me and you) that we create new and special memories around Christmas with our husband and family. I know I am looking forward to having next week off from work with my husband! We hope to spend some time together...maybe go to lunch, shop etc...just the 2 of us.

Reaching out to my friends from this thread!!!

Hoping ya'll are doing well!!

Hi Owl -
Hope you are doing well! How was your Christmas with your family?

I'm doing well. The triggers I thought I would have over these days were very minimal and did not cause any distress to my husband or me. Yesterday - 12/27 - was one year since OM#2 told me his wife found our emails and we had to end our EA. Tomorrow is one year since D-Day that I admitted everything to my husband of OM#2 and other communication that he was not aware of about OM#1. My husband doesn't even think about it anymore, and if I didn't mention about these days, it wouldn't have even crossed his mind. We both have progressed quite a bit in a year!

We had a great Christmas and also kept pretty busy with having friends over before and after Christmas. My husband and I are off work all week and are doing some things together...shopping, movies and hopefully a lunch here and there.

Glad to hear that things are going well 2BN.

Christmas was nice...I don't know if I'd mentioned that we had a major blow up a few months ago and my DD19 was pretty much invited to go live somewhere else since she seemed convinced it would be better for her. Well she did, and has been living with another family since then...periodically calling or visiting pretty much when she needs something. Lots of strain in dealing with her since she tries to blame us (her mom and I) for ANYTHING that doesn't go her way. BUT...she spent Christmas with us, and we had a nice, easy family day.

I had glass-etched a pretty clear glass coffee mug for my wife in a motif I knew she'd love...haven't ever done that kind of work before, so she was very pleased by it. I'd also got her a beautiful set of bags, needle/hook holders for her craft work that she liked a lot. She had picked up a book she knew I wanted for me, and a CD with Celtic music that she knew I'd like.

I'm working this week, but managing to get some time off to spend with her and the kids...we're both looking forward to having some vacation time soon when the kids are back in school so that it's just time for the two of us.

Hope that everyone else had a great Christmas, and that things are going well!

Owl - Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas. I didn't know about your daughter moving out...Sorry to hear that, but it was nice that she spent Christmas with the family!

Hi everyone!

Been a while, but I do lurk out here from time to time to see how it's going.

Things are quite wonderful over here. Had a great holiday (2 weeks off to boot). Me and my W are doing better than ever.

That said, we are getting close to the 1 year anniversary of D-Day and it has dredged up some negative feelings in me. It's odd how I can be both simultaneously happy and secure in my M, yet still harbor some of these "man, if things had gone different..." kinds of thoughts. I assume that with time these thoughts will diminish. They aren't causing any serious trouble, but I'd just as soon not have them.

Hope you all had a good holiday and have the best year ever.

Sys-

Good to hear from you friend!!

And glad to hear that things are still going so well for you and your wife!!

The 'anniversary triggers' do suck...I was going through those about the time you were posting here my friend...so I understand how you're feeling.

The good news is this...as you make it through these, and discuss them with your wife and deal with them, you'll find them easier to deal with than you anticipated. It seemed that way to me, looking back on it.

We'll be coming up on some of the first of the two year anniversaries for me soon...I'm hoping that they'll be even easier to deal with this time.

Well, take care my friend...nice to hear from you again! If you get the chance...drop back over to LS so you can PM me, and send me your email address if you like!

Alright friends...somewhat off-topic, but still right up this alley...LOL.

So my 20 year old daughter who moved out a few months ago calls me last Thursday and tells me that she's either moving to another state to live with OR he's moving here to live with her...now get this...a guy that my wife and I knew from our online gaming!!! (NO, this is not my wife's OM...a very young guy we both knew from playing EQ).

Once again...she used to IM this guy a decent amount back when she lived at home...but that IM'ing cut WAY back once she moved out and lost the easy computer access. She hadn't talked about this guy at all until this day that she tells me this...and when I ask her how long they'd been talking on the phone, it had only been a few days!

TALK ABOUT DEJA VU!!!

Of course I was immediately comparing this to what Mom had gone through back in '04. Asked my daughter how this was any different from what Mom had gone through...and how her (my daugther's) advice to her mom about not knowing this person that well, etc... was different now. Anyone care to guess what her response was??? Yup, you got it..."but in my case it's different!".

Interestingly enough, my wife just told my daughter to remember all that she'd said to my wife back then...that it was something she should be thinking about very hard. When my wife and I sat and talked by ourselves, she made the comment that "Yup, they just started talking this week. After that first phone call, the fantasy is off and running BIG TIME!". We talked a little about what she'd gone through, and how she viewed it now. Was interesting to hear her finally use the word 'fantasy' in conjunction with what she went through...she's never done that until now.

The good news is that my daughter actually listened to the advice she got from EVERYONE...which mirrored what mom and I were saying. They're going to take it slow and easy...wait until he comes up to visit and do some dating then.

Downside was that I really didn't need this trigger for me. Been doing decent in letting the feelings slide, but it sure felt like I was talking with her mom that night.

Hope ya'll don't mind me sharing this here.

Hi Owl,
Wow that must have been difficult to deal with! How quickly your daughter fell for this guy too! I'm glad that you and your wife were able to use what happened in the past to help your daughter. I'm telling you, these things catch you off guard and take you by surprise and you are "hooked" so quickly! And of course, we think "it's different with us!". Well it is different in that they are not married, but still....!! How far away does this guy live?

Did this have some bad triggers for your wife as well?

Bumping up for Owl...didn't know if you saw my response/questions... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks 2BN...actually had missed it.

This guy lives about 600-700 miles away at a guess. As long as they decide to work on dating when he comes here to visit sometime (and not just moving in together), I really don't have a major issue with it.

This just really blew my mind on how she couldn't see how this was the exact same kind of behavior that she had tried to talk her mom out of.

My wife just doesn't 'trigger' on anything to do with her A anymore...she told our MC in the past that she's "buried it completely...just let it go and not let it bother me anymore". So she just doesn't seem to really give it any thought (or at least she doesn't show that she does, and doesn't discuss it with me). And in truth, I've quit talking to her about anything related to the A myself. Done a lot to let it go and forget about it...and I've gotten to the point where I don't see the value in going over it again.

How have you been my friend?

That's great that your daughter will take it slow and spend some time getting to know this guy.

It's good that your wife is able to put the whole EA behind her and not struggle as the rest of us ladies have.

I'm doing well...I think moving past the original DDay and getting past all of those reminders helped. My husband and I don't talk about the EA nearly as much as we used to and are really recovering pretty well. There are times we mention the EA and have some conversations, but they don't cause us any problems to talk about. Our focus is pretty much on our marriage and the kids right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Owl,

Amazin how this works isn't it? We just had 2 guild marriages split due to this same stuff. One couple played together, the other didn't. I don't have all the details, but there you go. If it weren't so close to home, I'd really be facinated by the sociological aspects of on-line communication and relationships.

I'm glad your D did the right thing. See, maybe there is a silver lining here. Your experience served as an illustration that she could look to. Sorry if it triggered anything. I know how that goes. I've come to the conclusion that for the short term anyway, triggers are just going to happen and take them for what they are and let them go.

Speaking of triggers, Sunday is the 1 year D-Day anniversary. I don't really know if my W realizes that or not. Frankly, I'd rather just let it pass, or maybe just do something nice without making an issue of it. In some ways, I see it now as the beginning of a major improvement in our relationship, no matter how devastating. Any thoughts?

Sys-

Nice to hear from you man! Glad to hear things are still going well for you and your W. I know what you mean about how it all seems so similar...we've resumed playing some, and I've seen several more marriages break up over the EXACT same thing you and I have gone through. I'm trying to decide how to handle one situation right now, as a matter of fact. There's a guy that I know from in game...but lives here in the general area, and I've met him and his wife in the past. His wife doesn't play, but understands the game well enough...but what's really got me 'bothered' is that he's 'married' someone in game...who is ALSO a somewhat local person. There's been a lot of flirting and such...but I don't really know how to contact his wife directly, so I'm at something of a loss as what to do from here.

On your plans for the 'd-day anniversary'...sounds like you're thinking of doing exactly what I did. Didn't make it a big issue...but made an effort to have a great day with my wife that day. Seemed to work very well for me.