Well, hope not to bring anyone down tonight. But I have been thinking about my relationship with WH who is still with OW.

I believe that in my case there was unrequited love - an intense but unwarranted attachment to my husband that made me want to stay with him, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship.

What I failed to see was how unloving my husband has been toward me, how shoddily he treated me.

I desperately tried to get my WH to come back, without looking to see whether he is good for me. My self esteem was so low, my sense of entitlememt so undeveloped, and my concept of love so limited that I didn't even think to ask "What are my essential needs and which of them are being met, or denied in this relationship?"

Now I know that the marriage I thought I had was all in my dreams. My husband was unable and not willing to meet my needs. That is who he is.

I am much happier now, and enjoying life without him. I'm just sorry that I didn't realize the futility of all of this sooner.

I've started to question myself on this lately, believer.

Unfortunately...I my reasons for loving my husband are not unwarranted. As long as we are still talking he is filling my love bank and it's making it difficult at this point for me to move on. There are so many good things...I just don't have the strength to wait for the bad things to overwhelm me.

I think I will eventually be better off too..just wish he didn't have the great qualities so it would be easier.

Wow....nothing like looking me in the eyes and saying 'BOO'...

Have I been thinking these same thoughts today? Yes....
Maybe I am holding onto something that never was...
Maybe I am trying to save something that has nothing to 'salvage'
Maybe WH is correct, he can't love me how I need to be loved...
Maybe I am saving something, with the hope of what it might be, but never really was.
Maybe I am just too scared to end the only thing I ever knew....

Maybe? Maybe not?

Danielle

SHAME SHAME SHAME believer.

Look at your screen name.

C'mon, you KNOW where your treasure is being stored.

So you learned a lesson a little late in life, so what. You have ETERNITY to enjoy the fruits of all the good seeds you planted down here.

And remember, God DOES have a sense of humor, just look at a platypus. Your last laugh will be a BIG one.

NCWalker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanigirlinVA:
<strong> Wow....nothing like looking me in the eyes and saying 'BOO'... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow. I'm glad to finally see some other people with the same issues I have. From most of the posts it seems that none of the BS had any doubt that they should fight to save the M. My WH said he was suprised I didn't kick him out on d-day and sometimes I wonder why I didn't. This just plain old sucks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I know that the marriage I thought I had was all in my dreams. My husband was unable and not willing to meet my needs. That is who he is.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, Believer. My STBX told me this almost exactly tonight. That she is unable and not willing to meet my needs. That she needs me to accept her the way she is.

I guess that is why I have been so perplexed as to why she said things, but never did them.

She never intended too.

.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Hey believer,

One cannot determine futility without effort, you have done so. I feel myself near that as well, in spite of the fact that my WW may be deciding to recommit to our family.

I went out with "the boys" after work the other day on the one Friday night I have without the kids every 2 weeks. One of the local "hockey moms" was there and introduced herself. I have noticed her before as she is quite attractive. She chatted me up and was overtly flirtatious. She is separated too.

Though the philosophical banter regarding the ring I still wear and separation vs. divorced came up, she made it quite clear she was prepared for far more than a chat over a beer.
I left, with the boys and am very glad I did.

It has left me feeling somewhat invigorated I must admit. I confess that the last 16 mos. have left me lonely and starved for some adult female companionship. It, at least, made me feel desired again and allowed me to see that I'm not dead, and If I choose to be alone....it will be a choice rather than an undesired consequence.

I gotta say, I'm feeling far more confident about my life these days, the efforts displayed by my WW will have to be proportional to return. Each passing day lifts the hurdle higher for her.

Silly girl.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Well, hope not to bring anyone down tonight. But I have been thinking about my relationship with WH who is still with OW.

I believe that in my case there was unrequited love - an intense but unwarranted attachment to my husband that made me want to stay with him, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship.

What I failed to see was how unloving my husband has been toward me, how shoddily he treated me.

I desperately tried to get my WH to come back, without looking to see whether he is good for me. My self esteem was so low, my sense of entitlememt so undeveloped, and my concept of love so limited that I didn't even think to ask "What are my essential needs and which of them are being met, or denied in this relationship?"

Now I know that the marriage I thought I had was all in my dreams. My husband was unable and not willing to meet my needs. That is who he is.

I am much happier now, and enjoying life without him. I'm just sorry that I didn't realize the futility of all of this sooner. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I unfortunately think there are many many many betrayed spouses who could recite your words above word for word with respect to their own lives. At least if they were honest with themselves they would. There was probably no amount of advice and 2 x 4ing that someone could have given you to make you "see the light" when you had this mind set.

It had to come in your own time. This is partly why I am **trying** to go into retirement with respect to my infamous 2' X 4' ing. It usually has no effect on the unfortunate betrayed spouse who is besieged with your mindset posted above. In their mind, their Wayward Spouse is "different". I guess this is why I think the "alien" theory is flawed. Sometimes the alien is the person who remined faithful for the short time before they went back to what their "true character" desired.

Believer........did the aliens ever deliver your husband back to earth? If this is alien behavior, then eventually he will come back right? DO you ever wonder when?

I think your post is such a sad, but real fact with many of the unfortunate souls here. For them I pray the most. I pray they find the clarity and self love to "heal" themselves IRREGARDLESS if their marriage is saved. ALthough I do not post to you much, I do "belive" you are a success story here.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I believe that in my case there was unrequited love - an intense but unwarranted attachment to my husband that made me want to stay with him, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship.

Oh boy, can I identify with that! And sadly, although I know I'm better off not being with him if he's going to continue to live as he's living now, I STILL can't get those darned feelings to go completely away!

And Tom Joad made the other comment that hit home:

My STBX told me this almost exactly tonight. That she is unable and not willing to meet my needs.

My daughter spent Friday night with my XH. She told me when I picked her up the next day that her dad told her that he misses me, that he has no bad feelings toward me, but that he just isn't the person I wanted him to be all those years. (That person, I guess, is the sober father and husband I wanted.)

So, whether we like it or not, we move on...

LL

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

So, whether we like it or not, we move on...

My ex-fiance is so much like yours LL, and yours Believer, WS's. If I had married him I would have faced years of what the two of you have faced. Of this I have no doubt.

Does it make it any easier that I ended it before the wedding? NO. It is and feels like it will always be "unrequented". He is willing to play games with me and probably would for a long time, but I am too comfortable and able to be alone to allow it. And I realize every time I open that door, an inch even, that he will thrust that knife back into my heart and twist again, and all the pain comes back threefold each and every time.

And every once in awhile I am compelled to open that door an inch anyway. I take his phone call, let him stop by for awhile and BOOM... here we go again.

These men are cowards of the worst kind. They don't even have the decency to fall of the face of the earth. If they were even close to being what we have projected onto them with our love, they would remove themselves from our lives never to be seen again. That would be the decent thing for them to do.

I have to believe that there is a lesson I am to learn from loving a man who is not fit to be loved and will only and always bring pain.

You go through it because there is no way around it. It must run it's course.

How do we fall out of love? Abuse apparently isn't enough.

I too am mostly very happy too, but I am ions away from being able to say he can no longer hurt me. And I am ions away from being able to fall in love again. I don't know if I can be in a normal relationship with someone who actually would not hurt me.

This scares me.

Our elevation of our partners is a natural aspect of our love for them.

I was talking to car4love the other day, and she was saying that she thinks OM is a chameleon, lacking much of an identity all his own. When he was with her, he was good people. Now, having removed her from his life, he has only the sparrow, and her influence on him is not having a positive effect.

Car4love feels conned. She thought she was with a decent, thoughtful man, but now suspects that what she saw in him was a reflection of her influence, and with it gone, so is his appeal.

I have a similar feeling myself.

GC

Feeling really low about my M today too. When do you give up? When do you call in the lawyers to sweep up the mess? When do you say you've have enough?

I've been on this horror house ride for 6 months. I don't know how people have done this for 2 years, 3 years, 4 years. I love him but enough to put myself through so much pain?

I've given my marriage to God. I've asked him for a sign. Will a flaming chariot with a divorce lawyer show up at my door? Will the clouds spell something out to me? Will God speak to my heart about this?

Must be very early on a Monday morning....

Wow, Beliver, are you sitting here talking about me?
It sometimes feels that way....

I sometimes think 'I can be ok' without my WH. Then I crack the door, give him an inch...
He takes a mile, and throws a knife at me on the way out. It is then that I think, I CAN'T ever get over him....I can't ever love again....

I honestly wonder if my WH is capable of loving anymore, is he capable of being in a real, stable, loving, honest relationship again?

Danielle

Morning all -

After more than 2 years of this, the pain is gone. Now I'm just going on with a happy life, but sorting it all out in my head. I've been trying to remember the happy times.

What I need is someone who is satisfied with the mundane things of day to day living. I don't need a "soulmate". The times I was most contented had more to do with watching TV together, talking about everyday things, walking along the beach, sitting across from each other at breakfast.

Lemonman - Don't think for a minute that your words go unheeded. Some of us just take some time to come around.