I am SO ANGRY!!! My STBX is trying to order me to sell our home. He's also trying to get full custody of our son. I don't know what to do. I am a good mom and I don't know why he is doing this to me. He seems to think that since he makes more money that he will get our son. Is that possible? I see my lawyer Wed.
I truly don't know how much more of this I can take. All I want is for me and my son to have a happy life and stay in our home. Why is that so difficult?
I just feel like I'm going to lose it. I really do!!!!
Please someone give me some encouraging words!!!!

Deep breath...

He is blowing off hot air. I am not an attorney but I really doubt he can take your son or your home.

Calm down, we are here for you.

Do you have an attorney?

I was told by a divorce lawyer in FL that I wouldn't be forced to sell our home until our youngest was 18 or 21 or something like that. That I would be eligible for both CS and alimony to keep us in the lifestyle that we were accustomed. Also, that the assets would be split pretty much 50/50.

Also, unlikely he'd get primary custody...unless some sort of abuse, mental instability, or neglect could be proved.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

Ok yes yes is blowing smoke. My ex had done the same thing. Until I looked him straight in the eye and said ok - guess what you can have them no fight. You can take them to drs when they are sick. You can stay up all night and take care of them stay home from work ect. Cook dinners wash clothes,clean the house, get babysitters ect. He ran and I mean RAN out of the house. You see they are just trying to hurt you. He is pushing buttons. First of all if you are a good Mom the courts will not take you son away. Second they want the boy to like in the home until he is grown. What state do you live in? Does he pay child support ? Does he see his son on a regulare basis? I kept a calender of every time ex was supposed to show up -did it for 3 years then all of a sudden I get letter from court stating I withheld visatation from him . Boy was I glad I had records to show he never showed up to pick up his sons.

Tree, why do you let him upset you so much! He is just threatening you and you let it bother you...Aren't you in Plan B? If so, why do you even know about this? Plan B he is supposed to go thru your intermediary and the intermediary should not be relaying messages like this...**SIGH**

Remove yourself from his chaos Tree! You will drive yourself insane! You know he wont get custody of your son...you know he cant MAKE you seel the house...you know all of this...so why make yourself crazy!

Have you read up on the Family code law in your state! I just went to the library yesterday and checked out a book on Texas Family law! I am educating myself to the bone on this!

Stop listening to his crap!

Tree, he's an @sshole. Confucius said " when you argue with an idiot , there are two idiots arguing."

He's scaring you and blowing hot air. Time to get some serious legal advice tree. Don't let him ruin whats left your of yours and Cams security.

I could pimp slap him I really could.... but I think I'm in an unusually 'angry with life' mood today ! need to get up the gym and take it out on some iron !

All blessings darl.

I am feeling better now. I do know that he is just trying to scare me. He CAN'T take my son away or my home. He is in lala land. I go see my lawyer Wed. I can hardly wait. I am so ready to take everything from this idiot! I've had ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so tired of hearing that I'm not a good mom and that I can't provide for my son. What the h@ll does he think I've been doing since he walked out on me?
Thanks for the support everybody!!!!

Tree,

Don't know what state you live in but in Georgia they like to award custody to whoever has been the primary caregiver in the child's life.

They also still frown *heavily* on adultery here, but I think we're "behind" in that regard.

Anyway, deep breath. He's NOT living in reality.

TreeReich,

I have had to engage the services of an attorney myself. And it was a priority with me to pick one that had strong Christian values. And I did so. In my meeting with him, he FIRST spoke to me as a Christian. But then he told me he would not be doing his job if he did not inform me about the secular laws and how they worked, regardless if they had any basis in the Scriptures.

Needless to say, it was a sickening afternoon.

I was frankly apalled at the conduct that happens when two people divorce. And there are some things (like an affair :-() that I will just NOT DO.

It does not sound like your WH has the same compunctions with how he conducts himself as I do. So YOU need to be CAREFUL.

BE CAREFUL BE CAREFUL BE CAREFUL.

Do NOT leave your house unless there is a sherriff with a court order. It is YOUR HOME TOO regardless of who is paying the bills. If he gets belligerent and you get scared call the cops.

Do NOT let him bait you into anger. "Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting." Learn it, live it, love it.

Absolutely DO NOT discuss your feelings or plans with him AT ALL. DO NOT. Your discussion with him should be about the needs of the DS and that is it. Nothing else is his business anymore.

Be careful. YOU are in (IMHO) the position of strength regarding the child. You have been the primary caretaker, he had the affair. There is a high risk that he is trying to bait you into an episode that will strengthen his position. This could be at the urgings or suggestions of his attorney. All within legal limits of course. (As I scrape the slime off of myself, what a YUCCHHY society we live in).

PROMISE US, and we will hold you accountable, that you are venting and angry on the board and NO WHERE ELSE.

NCWalker

Hold on here,

I have been reading your posts for awhile now and have seen a definite pattern.

You are not a person of ACTION, but rather a person of REACTION when it comes to your STBXH.

YOU have the choice of how you let your STBXH's words affect you, and you have allowed those words to spin you out of control.

Take back your life...be confident in yourself and your own truth and stop ALLOWING those words to knock you off balance.

Here's the biggie, STOP BLAMING YOUR STBXH FOR YOUR REACTIONS!!!! You are COMPLETELY in control of how you react to your STBX's emails and threats. Document everything, then let it roll off your back like water off a ducks back...don't let it stick to you. If you are paying a lawyer, takk all the paper and emails to him and let HIM (or HER) do the worrying and reacting for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't stress this enough. LET IT GO!!!!!

turtlehead...I'm in Florida. No fault state....SUCKS!!!!

ncwalker...I'm protecting myself. I come here to vent so I don't go over to the OW's house and rip his head off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank goodness for MB!!!!!!
I PROMISE....I will continue to vent here!

StillHereMakingIt.....Thanks...you are so right! I need to stop reacting and take control. I was just feeling so overwhelmed....I can't wait until this is all over with. I just want to move on.....well...I guess that's what I should be doing right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all for posting!

turtlehead...I'm in Florida. No fault state....SUCKS!!!!

ncwalker...I'm protecting myself. I come here to vent so I don't go over to the OW's house and rip his head off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank goodness for MB!!!!!!
I PROMISE....I will continue to vent here!

StillHereMakingIt.....Thanks...you are so right! I need to stop reacting and take control. I was just feeling so overwhelmed....I can't wait until this is all over with. I just want to move on.....well...I guess that's what I should be doing right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all for posting!

Start telling yourself (and believing) all those things you write on here about yourself...you are a good mom, you are a good W, you will be OK, you are strong, you CAN handle this. Stop allowing the creeping doubt...ignore the words, or print them out wihtout reading htem, read them in front of your lawyer.

I am serious about this...let it go...he has no more control of you, than I do...they are JUST WORDS!!!

But document everything. He is proving he is financially abandoning you and son. Although no-fault, will not bode well in court when alimony and suppor tis handed down...like to see STBXH prove he is a fit father when he has not been supporting the family and abandoned you both...

Trust that things will work out...a judge usually see what's going on and has a pretty good BS detector...

TR~ Smile and nod, smile and nod. In your case, file his note and go on about your day.

Dont let him bait you with his nonsense. My WS tried telling me all the same things. I felt so much better after talking to my lawyer and knew WS was full of crap.

Just remember, you are a good Mom. Dont let that idiot tell you different.

Hi Tree,

I'm not familiar with your exact state but this is what I bet your lawyer will tell you.

The courts will decide who is the best caregiver for the kids based upon past and recent history (ie who was taking care of the kids needs the most).

After they decide that the finances will be sorted out via child support payments.

So bottom line they will likely find that you are the better person to parent your children so you will have custody and they will then make your XH pay child support to you to take care of the kids. He also may have to pay you alimony in order to account for differences you have in salaries.

That's the way it works where I live, and I think most other places.

So yes he's blowing smoke. The fact that he makes more money likely makes no difference in custody.

Tree, do not let this man get to you. Ignore him (if you are in Plan B). If you do speak to him, make sure you are babbling back to him like you've never done before. He states that he is taking you to court for custody; tell him, ok, see u in front of the judge. But, in all honesty, do not speak with him at all. He is only trying to get a reaction from you. He thrives on it and guess what else...it shows that you still care. My very good friends from MB told me this little bit of info which I hold very close to me....the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Right now, reactions only show your husband how much you really care. Don't give him any more of "you"; he's taken enough. As difficult as it is (and trust me..btdt), do not get caught in the trap. Once you're tangled, it is a frightful struggle to untangle yourself. Steer clear from the net and you will eventually see the fisherman give up for the day....

Good Luck!

TR:

You're in Florida. WH has no chance unless you give it to him. Stay under the radar, offer nothing - absolutely NOTHING and agree to nothing! No fault only has to do with you & him, not DS and him. A will be an issue in custody hearing, separate from D hearing. Be slow and deliberate with every action. Be sure your attorney is proactive and do what they say.

Lastly - we care very much for and about you and DS. I cannot be sure about your passion when it comes to WH; but passion is evident. Please look inward and be truthful to yourself about where it's coming from. It's not a crime if you still desire reconciliation! It may be that you're still hurting by realization of it all. No matter - you remain impassioned by something! Most important issue: Be true to yourself about this. Take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FR

I like this comment Bob Pure made....

Confucius said " when you argue with an idiot , there are two idiots arguing."

Reminds me of another one...."Don't fight with a pig, you just get dirty, and the pig likes it".

Sorry your WH is being an [censored] TreeReich

Thanks for all the advice!

I think I'm back on track today. I don't know what is going on with me. I'm just having a rough time here lately. My b-day is Friday and maybe that has something to do with it.....don't know.
I can't imagine a judge giving full custody to my STBX, He doesn't even have a place of his own. He's living with the OW.
To be honest I don't think my son would want to live with his dad. Our home is here and our friends are here.....we want to STAY!

I'm just going to keep my chin up and get back on track of taking care of me and my son. Thank you to everybody for all the wonderful advice!

Tree
I'm from a no-fault state,too(Michigan). The no-fault, however, is related more to granting the divorce. In other words, no fault (adultry, etc.) on behalf of either party has to be established in order to get the divorce. Depending on the no-fault state, adultry can be taken into consideration when it comes to custody and parenting of the children. It's not usually grounds to give one parent total custody, but could be held against your spouse in terms of him seeking sole custody. Two other things in your favor: 1. You are the one living in the house currently. (tends to lend some weight to you remaining there since technically your spouse "abandoned" the house. 2. You have primary physical custody and parenting of your son at this time. This often shifts more weight in terms of recognizing your parenting capacity. As noted elsewhere, the court is more likely to have you and your son remain living where you are to continue consistency in the child's life. In no-fault, there is often a clause that states that when your child is 18 the house has to be sold and the profits divided, or the other x-spouse can buy out the other spouse's "profit" from the house, and keep the house. So the "equal" division of property/assets, as it relates to the house, occurs at the time the child becomes an adult.

When it comes to our children I think it's extra hard not to get sucked in by our WS. They know that's our vulnerable point. It's one thing that our WS's treat us like crap, but don't threaten us about our children!

I know for me, too, it seems like the WS has already impacted on my life in so many negative ways...ways that I had absolutely no say in or control over. Yet I have to deal with the consequences of their decisions everyday. When they threaten yet another part of my life that is so precious, my children, it adds to my sense of powerlessness. I think that this is where the action and reaction comes in. The only thing I can control...have power over..is my response to the threats. Usually what I need to do first is to "react" and express my feelings of fear and anger...ONLY to trusted friends or on this forum. For ME, it's important that I acknowledge my feelings...not stuff them..not ignore them. It helps clear some of the adrenelin out of my system so I can respond in a more controlled, "active" manner.

I hope things go well at your session with your attorney. Obviously that's where the legal advice will be most accurate.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>