Just curious...who knows about the A? Friends, family, work, everyone, nobody? When did they know and how did they find out?

My WH has told two people (both of whom told him he should leave me and be with OW). I haven't told anyone about A, just couple of friends that we are having "marital issues" that I need to focus on. I am afraid to tell anyone what actually has happened, especially about OC. I can't imagine anyone would suggest, or understand, that I stay in the M. Especially not my parents.

This is also completely consuming me. I can't work, can't sleep, unfortunately I CAN eat (A LOT). Today is one of the first days..oh wait, I was gonna say I didn't spend all afternoon crying, but here it comes.

How do any of you BSs focus on anything else?

NotToMe, I am so very sorry you are here. Typically, we tell close family members and friends about the affair. And this is done for 2 reasons.

The first is so that you will have support system at a time when you most desperately need it.

Secondly, exposure is one of the most effective tools in ending the affair. The affair cannot survive for long once it is exposed to the light of day.

And yes, some will tell you to just "dump the bum," but they are mostly supportive when you explain that is not your plan. For the most part, you will find support.

I just read about your experiences with the marriage counselor and am not surprised. Many MC are not pro-marriage at all. I would consider calling Steve Harley and counseling with him on the phone. He is pro-marriage and very experienced. He won't waste your time with alot of nonsense and will assess your situation and give you a plan of attack. He has counseled many people here and is just a splendid MC.

I would also suggest that you expose this affair to your family, his family, bosses [if applicable] and any other pertinent people you think might be influential in your lives.

The purpose of Plan A is to bring the affair to an end and exposure is probably the most effective tool you have. See, the affair survives in a fantasy bubble which is burst when exposed. It is like a big splash of cold water.

The affair cannot survive unless it is kept secret, so the worst thing you can do is help them keep their secret.

When your H and the OW are forced to explain this sleazy, sordid affair, they are forced to see how sleazy they look in the eyes of others. See, in their fantasy, it looks all beautiful, but when forced to explain it to others, they start to see how sleazy they really look.

So please consider exposing this affair to help hasten its end. If you decide to do this, I would caution you against telling your H beforehand. It is best to select just a few key people and expose to them all at once. Your WS will be furious about this, so it is best to get it over all at once. And he will get over his anger, so don't let that scare you.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

NTM
Disclosure depends on the circumstances. You need to do whatever it takes to end the affair.
If D-Day ends the affair then why bring the world into it.
If it takes the whole world or some fragment of it to end the affair then that is what is needed.
Only you can decide what is needed.
If you need support from someone that you can hug and will be supportive of whatever you decide then by all means involve them.
Involving everyone you know, and your spouse knows, will only bring problems in the future if you and your spouse reconcile\rebuild. These people may develop opinions of you and your spouse which will carry on after all may be well.
I guess the answer does lay within your specific circumstances and needs to end affair, with no contact, and what would work toward rebuilding your marriage.

SM

Not to me: When I found out about my Husband A. I was horrified.. I only told 1 person, someone I could trust and that would not judge me. What really suprised me was the fact that my H, told most of our friends. I was shocked.. but that made me really feel like he wanted to work this out. If I could have exposed the OW with a billboard I would have , But she is single. It makes me feel better to talk about it , so after I got passed the humiliation ( sp) I was ok with telling people ( My mom still to this day doesn't know) Know one told me to dump my H. There are days that I am so overwhelmed with all of this that I can not function, but it does get easier. Just talk about it , Your real friends won't judge you they will be there to help you.. that is what I learned. Hopefully I made since.

In my case everyone knows. Friends, coworkers, neighbors, her parents, his family....I spared no one.

In my case, WH called in May and told me he wanted a divorce. He had been deployed since September and I was at home with a 3rd grader, 1st grader and a 5 month old baby who I had just stopped breast feeding.

My hormones were wacky and my husband tells me he wants a divorce and I'm home with 3 kids, a job, a house and everything all of that entails. I basically had a total and complete breakdown.

I had to tell my boss. I worked in a very small private school and it was pretty darn obvious something was really, really wrong so I didn't try to hide it.

I told all of our friends....I desperately needed a support system and I must say I am totally blessed with the people in my life!

I called the OW's family....she was only 22 years old.

I told my MIL...who to this day has been the most wonderful supporter....and his siblings.

Had things worked out with us I honestly believe our friends would have accepted him back with little problem. His family would have rejoiced in his coming back to his family. My family....would have taken a lot longer.

But, in my case telling people was neccesary to simply getting by each day.

NTM,
I agree that each person should make up their own minds about who to tell. As for me, I tried not to tell anyone, b/c I was so humiliated and felt like a failure at the one thing I though I was really good at.
However, my mom could tell that I was really sad, and jokingly guessed what the problem was. I think she almost fainted when she found out that it was true. After she knew, my father, and brothers found out. Then I made my H call his parents and tell them. His siblings don't know. Our mutal friends don't know(except for one, whose wife cheated on him), but one of my really good friends does. It's funny b/c everyone said to me, "True, don't worry, we won't tell anyone." Reminding me that often the BS is the one who takes the blame for the WS stupid decision.
I wish that my Mom had not found out, and that he hadn't told his parents. Now, I have to deal with the hatred that is passing between my family and him. My family has always loved him and now they hate him. His mom has a hard time talking to him and is very ashamed. We think she feels like a failure, too. His A has tainted the love that everyone, not only me, has ever felt towards him, and now he feels more alone and rejected than he ever has before!
So, yes, you need support, but PLEASE consider what it will do.
I hope you find what you need! Take care!
True

truetoself,

Your family is rightfully angry at your H. That is the result of your H's affair and his shabby treatment of you. That is a consequence of the affair that the WS should never be protected from.

In my case, my mother and my sister were furious and hated him. I made him go to my mother and make amends in that relationship; he apologized to her. With my sister, it has taken longer, but that is ok. A WS should never be protected from the consequences of an affair.

Your H would probably help alleviate the - very justified - hard feelings of your family if he went to them directly and apologized for mistreating you and promise to not do it in the future. Our families are rightfully angry when they see us being mistreated and that is just part and parcel of an affair.