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I have read here for a month now and I am hoping that I can get some support here that I need. I am a bit scarred posting because I know I am the "enemy" in this as I am the "wayward" spouse but I have seen others post and receive help. I am going to be completely honest here.. I need to start somewhere....
I am involved in my second affair..My husband does know of the first affair(EA) and we went through MC for that and to be honest I think things were "fixed" and we went on. I am now involved with someone I work with(EA/PA) and I am in a complete MESS! I have no excuse for what is going on- I knew what this did to my marriage the first time but like an idiot stopped communicating honestly with my husband and have ended up here again. OM is married and just last week wants to slow down so he does not get caught. I want to stop all together- this has taken its toll on me ohysically and emotionally. I feel like a drug addict- I crave his attention and then once I get my "fix" I feel worse afterwards and each time the "want"/"need" gets worse. I am depressed or angry most of the time. This weekend my husband told me he can't take this anymore and he wants to talk about divorcing...He does not know of the second affair.
We have agreed that we seperate for a few weeks to think things out. I know that I can't think about anything else with having this going on and I want it to STOP! I have bought and read through SAA and know the guideleines but there is NO WAY I can leave my job right now- if there were I would quit tomorrow. Our contact at work could be eleiminated except 1x a day which would not be verbal- I would just have to see him. I have even thoguth of ways to get out of this but with my postion at this time I can't.
WHY DO I CRAVE THIS FROM HIM?? I HATE THIS AND I FEEL SO HOPELESS...
I fear I have lost my husband.. I am so sad and don't know if I can be happy after what I have done- TWICE!
As I ramble- I also had another thought of telling OM's wife because I know this would help stop the contact from OM. She does not deserve the hurt that I have caused her..
Again, I know most people here are the "BS" but I would appreciate any help/support and as I have seen here 2 x 4 's if I need them and I am sure I do...
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am involved in my second affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This weekend my husband told me he can't take this anymore and he wants to talk about divorcing...He does not know of the second affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please share why you think your husband should not divorce you?Welcome .... I am asking this tough question to make you think more clearly.... WHAT might keep your husband interested in remaining married to you? Pep
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At his time NOTHING! I don't even want to be around me. I know if my actions change things would be better but I first need to let go of this affair so I can think straight- I KNOW I AM IN THIS FOG THING! -
I hate me right now and don't expect anyone else to like me until I can change this...
THANK YOU for the honest question.. I need some honesty right now...
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What are you willing to do for your marriage?
Pep
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Give up this affair and get help...
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TryingToLetGo05:
<strong> Give up this affair and get help... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When?
Pep
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TTLG,
Would you be willing to be honest with your H to save your marriage? Would you be willing to explain why you have behaved as you have to him?
JL
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Edited for negativity, sorry.
<small>[ February 28, 2005, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>
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tomorrow...
Here is where I go worng because then he will say we can be friends and I feel "weak" because I can't be friends and not cross that line..
I KNOW I SHOULD NOT CARE ABOUTT THIS BUT EVERYTIME this is where I cave in and talk to him..
I have to do this for my marriage.. I want to do this for my marriage...
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he will say we can be friends and I feel "weak" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you willing to hurt OM's feelings to save your marriage?
Pep
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Intruder 800
I deserve it and maybe that is what I need to hear.. i have slowly lowered my morals with this and actually try to justify to myself why it is okay for us to stay friends- I know this is soo selfish...
JL
Totally honest would end my marriage.. it would without question. so .. knowing this why did I do it? So, if I do tell all he will go and I have no one to blame but myself... I know I need to tell him... believe me I know...
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Pep
I am going to be honest- yes I am willing to hurt his feelings but I also know it will be my feelings that will be hurt as well.. I don't think he will care..this hurts too.. I know how that sounds..
I guess I am angry at myself because I have invested my energy into this OM instead of my M and it has ruined so much....and for what?
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TTLG05-
Welcome to marriage builders but it's a sad reason that you are here.
It's not that you are the enemy at all, it's that at time WW's or even WH's come here expecting to hear what they want, not the truth. Most want to be "just friends" with the A partner but the reality is that it's not possible. Usually the WS will get upset at that, and other tough questions being asked and leave.
It takes a lot of guts to come here looking for help and that's a good step. I would seriously consider what both Pepperband and Just Learning have to say. If they ask tough questions try and step away from the emotions you might be feeling and think about what they are asking. Sometimes questions come off as harsh but it's only harsh if you let your emotions get the best of you.
One thing that I have learned is that affairs are based on emotions, not actual reality. Your emotions have gotten the best of you and if you want to fully recover you need to keep them in check with your will.
You have a long road ahead of you but you can do it!! Again, it takes guts for you to come here and ask for help, I think it's a good step.
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TTLG05,
Be of strong heart. You are being ministered to by two of the greats on this board. Pepperband and JL.
Allow me to step in and just interject a couple of comments. I am a male BS. My marriage has not worked and I am going through the DV right now. With that background, here are my comments...
1) I would have JUMPED FOR JOY if my WS was as willing to end the (1st) A as you sound. I had to end it. You are not a bad person, you have made a few bad CHOICES. It is not who you are. You can stop the PATTERN of bad choices. The sooner the better. Keep up a PATTERN of bad choices and you are a bad person.
2) FAR BETTER to learn of an affair from your WS than from any other means. He will probably be furious at first, but if he is as good a man as you say, he will come to the realization of how hard it would be for you to admit and see the hope in that. Try and steer him here.
With that I leave you in Pep and JL's capable hands.
NCWalker
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TryingToLetGo05: [QB] Pep I am going to be honest- yes I am willing to hurt his feelings but I also know it will be my feelings that will be hurt as well.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK .... aren't you really hurting NOW? Isn't this a living hell for you? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think he will care..this hurts too.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're probably correct. This MM will move on to the next 'one'. It is probably what he does. A life style. What about you? Is this becoming your lifestyle? Right now, you're existing like a prisoner ... you are your own warden with the key to freedom .... but you are afraid of opening the cell door and walking out of your misery. Pep
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Trying -
"he will say we can be friends"
This man is not your friend. Friends don’t try to destroy each other’s marriages.
"I also know it will be my feelings that will be hurt as well.. I don't think he will care."
Again, this man is not your friend.
God bless,
Rose
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Afraid of opening the door..YES.. I am going to be honest with you and myself because I want to get past this...
I am afraid MM will not give a s$!t that I am walking away.. yes.. I shared things with him only my H knew and I have to live with that...
Pep- I want to go through that door- how can I talk myself through it and not listen to those stupid thoughts in my head like the above...Those memories pop into my head...i try to replace them with what my husband/his wife would think and the hurt that it would cause...
I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> too late ... you've already arrived! ~LOL~ just a little joke to provoke you out of your all too well-fitting self-loathing funk ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You will be hurt. Expect to hurt! There is no affair that does not hurt. Goes with the territory. But this new hurt will be hurt in the direction of healing. You will have to admit (to yourself) that you gave yourself to a man who used you. That what you 2 have (had) was not 'special' but rather dirty and common. This will hurt. You were not so special to MM. And.....now what? Stay stuck or move toward living in the truth? Peace to you. Pep
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Maybe you do. I deleted what I said because of the negativity and the hurt I felt as I wrote.
I was dedicated to our M and our family. This hurts so deep and so far beyond her, I and the kids. As if that isn't enough. There are many more family members, including children (cousins and even friends) being very hurt by all this. I am very cold right now and don't mean to "attack". Hell it's been a year and a half of this. It doesn't get any better when my 5 year old Son holds me shaking, crying and asks "Why doesn't Mommy want to live here anymore? Doesn't she know we love her??!!"
Even without children, I made a commitment as a mature adult, I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING! I put a lot of thought into it. Does no one else?? I don't understand. You made a commitment to your H and to GOD. How is that going?? I do wish you the best, and especially your H.
You might read a recent post: Just Can't Seem To "Get It"!
I posted there:
"It is all SO selfish and all about "Me". These WS's need to take a second look at the whole "life" picture. It makes me sick! I am taking care of and loving two of the most wonderful children I have ever known, as she carries on a "single" life 3 miles away!! She has not seen her children since 1-9-05 (One of which I brought up since he was born 14 years ago, but is not biologically mine. And SHE collects child support!!). She hasn't spoken with them on the phone in two weeks, and then it was brief. She blocked our # from calling her! I would NEVER do what the WS does. Especially with children, THEY DID NOT ASK FOR A BROKEN FAMILY! Sacrifice, commitment, maturity for Christ's sake. All I have to say to the WS is GET A LIFE!! "
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Double post......Sorry :-)
<small>[ February 28, 2005, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]</small>
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