800- I am sorry... I know the hurt you feel is what my H would feel as well as OM's wife..
As far as my commitment to my H and God.. well I haven't seen myself fit to step into church in months.. I want to go back there.. i have some forgiveness to ask for..

Intruder800 .... are you willing to help this new poster in such a way that helps her end her affair-addiction and guide her toward healing herself personally and hopefully healing her marriage as well?

Pep

TTLG,

I went to Church the first time in a long time, with the boys this past Sunday. We plan to continue on a regular basis. I have my reasons for not going in a long time, but you are "Fit" to go to church no matter what. I am not a "goody two shoes" or whatever. I went to the OM house with a gun!!! BAD CHOICE. Just don't make excuses to yourself. If you know what is the right thing to do, whether with your marriage or whatever, DO IT.

Does OM & wife have children? Be honest, at least with yourself. My WW denies it has an effect on them. Let me tell you from the "front lines"....IT DOES! I am just trying to stop the bleeding. These affairs do SO much damage, WAY beyond your relationship with your spouse. With kids or NOT!

I gotta go, it is a very busy life as a SP and DS5 is sick.

Good luck

Trying -

You don't have to go to a church to ask God for forgiveness - you can do that in the privacy of your own home, or anywhere.

Do you know of a church to go to where they believe in (and practice) grace and forgiveness? That would be a good place to go if you want to counsel with a priest or a pastor.

God bless,

Rose

Intruder-
OM has 2 childern who live with his first wife. I recently found out his second marriage began from an affair he started with a coworker but he swears he has had no other relationships outside his marriage other than me.. not important I know..
Pep-
No-I do not want this to be my lifestyle but if I keep on it will be. How do I get the thought pattern to change.. just sitting here tonight I have went back and forth to YEs this will stop to thinking about certain things that hurt(ie things he said/done).
I want to be the one to end it before he does.. I feel like I will feel better about myself if I am strong enought to end it-is this a stupid thought? I have caught myself sounding so desperate? lately with him especially with the whole slowing down talk..
YUCK- I know I am better than this.......

Rose-
Thanks for your input.
I do have a church for which I have been a member of 9 years.. just don't feel worthy to walk in the door... i need to clean up... I know God will forgive but I also know I can't keep doing the same wrong over and over knowing IT IS wrong....

Pep,

I don't know what that means exactly. I probably should back out here. I would love to help, but I just don't understand the lack of commitment and maturity. I know temptation and all, I just don't understand the lack of ability to commit to the future of one's M.

I would love to help, but I think I am just not in the right frame of mind, too negative. Sorry, that's what this **** does.

Good Luck TTL05,
CJ

TTLG,

What do you think churches are for?? They are not for the "pure" as they don't need them. They are for all of us sinners, so step right up. If there was ever a time that you needed your faith and moral compass this would be it.

TTLG, you need to tell your H. The sooner the better. For one IF he stays he can help you in dealing with the withdrawal from the OM. Second he can offer you something you are going to need...forgiveness. It will take time but I am betting it will come.

But, TTLG, you need to face the fact that your H needs the truth so that he can evaluate his life, you and the marriage. You owe him the truth. Right now he is thinking of leaving because you have TREATED him so badly while you dealt with your guilt. He does not know the reason for your poor treatment of him and he KNOWS you must hate him for some reason. Hence the threat of divorce.

He may still choose divorce as this is your second affair, and you two do not have children. But, if there is any chance of saving this marriage it rests with honesty, painful, gut wrenching honesty. If anything will convince him that this marriage is worth some effort it will be your honesty to him.

It is too late to worry about hurting people. You have clearly hurt your H enough to make him want to leave, based on your actions and his ignorance of what has happened. OM's W knows about affairs, as their marriage is apparently the product of one. You and OM have a track record now, the only issue is whether it will continue or one or both of you will finally stop this and get your life straight.

This is very important whether or not your marriage survives. For if you don't get honest with your H, you will not get honest with yourself, and there is NO hope of saving this marriage or you.

You don't recover marriage by going around the issue, you get there by working through them. To get through them you must know what they are and so must your H. Right now he is very frustrated and he is about to leave. Honesty just might pull him back.

So you need to end the A no matter what, and you need to be honest with your H.

Having read what I have said, now go back and reread Pep's questions to you, and try answering them again. I think you will see those simple questions have enormous depth to them.

Must go, but I hope something that has been said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

Trying-

I know it’s hard to break the cycle of an A, and how “irresistible” the draw to an OM can be, but keep reminding yourself of what you wrote above:

“I feel like a drug addict- I crave his attention and then once I get my "fix" I feel worse afterwards and each time the "want"/"need" gets worse.”

Since this situation is wrong, it only has the potential to keep getting even worse.

Ultimately, you are the only one who can stop you from going back to OM each time. Right now, you need extra help and encouragement, though. Do you have any female Christian friends (or a sister or mother) who love you, would be willing to help you, and who you would feel safe confiding in?

An IC might also be able to help you - especially if you decide to tell your H – you will more than likely need backup support to get through the aftermath of d-day. An IC or pastor also might be able to help you decide how/when to tell your H, and provide a safe place to do the telling.

God bless,

Rose

TTLG ~
I am a FWW and know the pain you are feeling right now. My A ended only two months ago. You know what? It's getting better every day and I can honestly say, the only way out is to say goodbye to the OM and commit to your M. I feel so much better now than even a few weeks ago. The OM is totally gone and I feel so lucky to have this chance to improve my marriage. Still have a LONG way to go I know, but I wouldn't go back to December for anything. That first step is so hard though....I feel for you and what is about to hit your poor husband.

That OM doesn't love you. You know that in your heart, right? In a very warped way obviously, he loves his wife and that is why he wanted to cool it last week. He used you. The A is making you feel bad, right? That is because deep down you know you love your husband and your post is definitely saying to me you want out too. You are just feeling overwhelmed as to what you need to do and unfortuantely, you also have feelings for the OM. Those feelings are getting in the way of what your intellect knows is the right thing to do. Dig deep and realize that the relationship with the OM can never be - you both are married to other people.

Time to bite the bullet and be strong. It's time to start communicating with your husband about what has happened. MC and individual counseling are soon going to be your tools to recovery. Pick good counselors - it's really important. Perhaps your husband can agree to not separate from you right now.

Say goodbye to the cheating, scummy OM and start moving to address YOUR problem. It's going to be hard because you are addicted to the OM. The withdrawl is going to be intense, and I'd really really think about getting another job. You need a state of NO CONTACT in order to get over him. No job is worth your marriage, is it?

It can work out, but only if you are ready to bear some pain and follow the honest and good path. Self-loathing won't really help right now. Make a plan.

It's working out for me and a whole lot of FWS's on this board. And so I wish for you. You are not an enemy. Write if you need support.

Hi,

Welcome and I hope you accept all the wonderful advice being given.

Have you considered that by delaying the end of the affair, and by not exposing the affair yet (to your husband and to the MM's wife), you are ADDING to your guilt feeling?

You are worrying about how hurt and angry your husband may be. He probably will be. But isn't he already upset enough to consider divorce? At least he will know WHY you've been acting different. Maybe he already suspects you may be having another affair? I know that I always became worried and very unhappy when my WH's behavior would change because he was ahving another affair. I rarely asked or accused him of infidelity though. I would express unhappiness about his changed behavior and try to get him to go to MC. I would eventually find out he was having another affair. I would have really appreciated it if he had confessed to me just once. Instead he tried to pretend it was other things causing his behavior change. The few times I did ask him if he was having an affair, he denied it until I had evidence he couldn't deny. A
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that while your husband will be upset when he finds out, he will be less upset if you tell him.

Also, it's not only difficult for the betrayed spouse to deal with and heal from the betrayal itself. Every day the wayward spouse continued the affair AND/OR continued to keep it a secret, the more betrayal there is to try to forgive and recover from.

So ask yourself this, every day:

Do I want to keep making this worse each day?
Or do I want to end and expose the affair ASAP - TODAY?

Because the damage grows daily, you should do what you KNOW you need to do NOW!

I agree with the advice about having somebody (pastor, close friend or relative, counselor) help you with ending and exposing - for safety's sake AND to help you be accountable. BUT do not delay.

Slight t/j here. MM, you and I are on the same wavelength. If I can help ONE person turn from being a WW to a FWW, I'll do all I can. Thank you for what you do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ttoletgo, you can let go you know. I did it and if I can do it ANYONE can. It's a test of strength and character and love (for your H).

I'm 15 months past all this and I can tell you that the indifference to and the not caring about the OM is wonderful, wonderful. You feel whole again and happy again and redeemed.

My H IS very special in how he's approached our recovery but he's not unusual, most of the BH's on this board are special.

Jen (FWW but prefer R(recovered)WW

Trying....
you have given several reasons why you want the affair to to end and some are the "right" reasons; however, you also speak of your weaknesses and tendencies. Others may not agree but I believe the only way to end an affair and remove your "weaknesses" is to find disdain between you and the OM. Something has to come into play that makes the A and the OM repulsive to you. I can think of no better reason than seeing what this A is leading too. You are right you are in the fog.....but worse yet you are lost in the fog. Get some help either in IC or 'fess up to your H and get MC.....better yet why not both.