Is it "normal" for the BS to want to know such sexual details about the A? He wants to know who's better in bed. I slept with the OM twice and he never made me have the big O. On the other hand, my H always satisfies me. It's not that I think the sex was better with the OM. My feelings for my H and the OM were different. I can't seem to make him understand that. Can someone help me?

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 07:54 AM: Message edited by: Cindy1970 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My feelings for my H and the OM were different. I can't seem to make him understand that. Can someone help me?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion:

This is not a matter of your H misunderstanding you .... I think your H does not (yet) believe you are entirely truthful with him. Why should he believe you at this time? He's still in the space where he's going to throw all sorts of things against the wall and see what 'sticks'.

Just be 100% truthful ALL THE TIME ... and eventually, your H will be able to process this in a way that makes sense to him.

Good luck.

Pep

Cindy,

Well, let's look at this somewhat differently. If you told him exactly what you told us, then he understands your "words". I mean he can understand english right?? So the problem is not understanding what you say, it is believing it.

So let's look at this from the perspective your H MAY have.

First, he trusted you and believed in you, so for you a person he trusts and believes to break your vows to be with OM, means you must have had a very strong reason to do that.

So what would that reason be? It would be that he is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you and the OM was better.

How better? Well, emotionally, and obviously it must also be true the sex was better.

Further, you say "your feelings for my H and the OM were different." This comment may be true but right now it is reinforcing what your H feels about himself...he was NOT good enough and you choose OM because he was.

The problem here is one of self-esteem on the part of your H, and your credibility. You need to tell your H the truth and yes often the details are requested. Frankly, it is often stated that the details while awful to hear were less than the BS was imagining. You have done well to answer his questions.

He will NOT trust that your OM wasn't better in every way until his trust in you is restored and that will take awhile. You are just seeing the tip of the damage your A has done to your H. Trust me there is more.

However, being honest, being accountable, having your words and actions match will rebuild trust and as that happens, then what you tell him will be believed. This will take awhile so have patience with your H and your marriage.

I hope this helps you.

God Bless,

JL

Cindy

I agree with Pep and JL. Your H needs to hear consistent truth from you in order to begin to be able to trust what you say. It’s also important that you be patient about his need to ask questions. His ego has been severely wounded. Undoubtedly, he feels like his masculinity has been questioned because his W had sex with another man.

Consider your H’s feelings about OM to be more important than your feelings about OM. I don't know how far you are from d-day, but your feelings could still be clouded with “fog,” and also the strong need to defend yourself.

I’m speaking from experience when I say that the recovery of your M depends a lot on how seriously you consider your H’s feelings and really try to understand what’s going on with HIM, instead of mostly being determined for him to believe or understand you. You can't force him to believe you, or even to forgive you. All you can do is keep offering him the truth and behave in a trustworthy manner from now on.

God bless,

Rose

try this link on for size..

patriots question about BS need to know details

ARK

What if OM or OW really was better at sex?

Does the WS really tell the BS the TRUTH.

I'm not sure I could handle the truth.

TA -

Good question. I'm an advocate for telling the truth, but the truth can be told gently and tactfully. That's a good reason a BS should be quite sure he or she wants to know absolutely everything, and then try to be prepared for any answer. It's a very difficult and unfair position to be in, I know. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

God bless,

Rose

Cindy, you should be prepared to eventually answer all his questions, but an MC may help him make good decisions about what he really wants to know.

Being a man, I can understand why he'd want details. He wants to exorcise the demon that haunts him. He wants all of its power to be released. Any intimate secrets you share with OM make that monster bigger and stronger. Secrets aren't powerful for their content, they're powerful because they're secret.

He's tortured by his imagination. His imagination is probably worse than the truth. I think WS, when trying to patch things up, want it all put behind and forgiven and they just wish everybody could move on. They feel they're protecting their BS by not sharing details. But the BS knows there are details, and as long as you and OM know them and he doesn't, you and OM have a special connection. You take steps toward demonstrably breaking that connection if you give up the special knowledge that you and OM share.

I'm not saying you should dump it all out on your H right now. I suggest you consult a GOOD MC about this... but you should be willing to tell him everything.

As long as you don't, he doesn't see that as you protecting him. He sees that as you keeping something of the affair for yourself. And if you want to have a marriage to this man, you don't get to keep one damn thing about this affair for yourself, sister.

GC

Dear Cindy

In addition to the very sound advice you have received I will point out some more reasons why the BS may ask all these questions:


1) In “The five languages of love” the author (Chapman?) says that people with physical touch as their no. one love language is far more hurt by the physical aspects of their spouse’s infidelity.

Most males have physical touch and sexual fulfilment as their no one emotional need. Most females have emotional connection and communication at their top needs.

Perhaps you should do the mental exercise to imagine him in a deep emotional A with a female. Imagine that he was spending hours and hours in affectionate and concentrated talk with her, that he had lots of romantic walks in the moonlight, that he was sending flowers to her, and thinking of her 24/7. If you still decided with a heavy hart and much doubt in your mind that you still would try to rebuild your M. would you then be able to let his deep emotional connection to this other woman just be a part of the history, or would you have to explore it?


2) You have introduced a third person into the M that was supposed to be exclusively yours and his together. Afterwards you and other WS’s say the BS should not ask these questions because the knowledge will hurt him. The consequence of that would be that a huge part of the M still would be closed to him and remain the exclusive secret of you and the OM. What right have the OM to know secrets about the M that the BS is not allowed to know?

The BS has the right to know what happened in his or her M. To me that would be a deal breaker, a non-negotional boundary if the M was to continue.


3)Gold is tested with acid or with fire. Honesty is tested with questions that are difficult or embarrassing to answer. These questions are the best tool for the BS to see if the WS is honest and willing to work on the M.

This is perhaps the part that is most nessessary for the healing of the BS wounds. If the BS feels the Ws is sincere some healing will take place.


4) The WS's themselves needs to do the “public” washing of the dirty underwear to see the truth. The glossy shiny beautiful memories, when shared are proven to be dirty also in the eyes of the WS.

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 03:26 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TA:
<strong> What if OM or OW really was better at sex?

Does the WS really tell the BS the TRUTH.

I'm not sure I could handle the truth. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">would you rather be lied to......again? As tough as it may be to hear, honesty is the best policy. I was a firm believer that a BS's questions should all be answered. However, I am also a firm believer that the BS should be very careful with what they ask. How much information you want depends on each individual BS. But whatever you feel you need to know, balance that with whether or not you can live with the answer.
Michael

Oh, and another thing!

I have a question.

Let's say you and your H have a chance to recover, and it's difficult for a while. Let's say six months go by, and things are improved, but you still don't feel recovered. And then let's say some new man starts being real, real nice to you, and you start feeling attracted to him.

What do you do then?

GC

Thank you everyone for all of your helpful advice. I really do want to save my marriage and heal my family.

----------------------------------------------------

Frank57 wrote:


Perhaps you should do the mental exercise to imagine him in a deep emotional A with a female. Imagine that he was spending hours and hours in affectionate and concentrated talk with her, that he had lots of romantic walks in the moonlight, that he was sending flowers to her, and thinking of her 24/7. If you still decided with a heavy hart and much doubt in your mind that you still would try to rebuild your M. would you then be able to let his deep emotional connection to this other woman just be a part of the history, or would you have to explore it?

I would definitely have to explore it. I would have questions for him. Had my H had the A instead of me, I'm not sure if I would stick around. I have to believe that he really loves me and wants to save our marriage, even with everything I have done.

--------------------------------------------------

Graycloud wrote:


Let's say you and your H have a chance to recover, and it's difficult for a while. Let's say six months go by, and things are improved, but you still don't feel recovered. And then let's say some new man starts being real, real nice to you, and you start feeling attracted to him. What do you do then?


I want to have the chance for my M to recover and I know that it's going to be difficult. We have had some really good days and we have had some difficult days as well.

I realize that it will take some time and committment for my M to improve and recover. Afterall, I caused all this damage to my M over the course of 9 months. I have a lot to prove to my H. I am going to make damn sure that I don't put myself in a situation again. Hypothetically, for the sake of argument, if that scenario were to happen, I would not let that attraction go any further. I would nip it in the bud.

I want and need to concentrate on my H and my M. I need to repair a lot of damage. Believe me, I've learned that if you're having trouble in your M, having an A is definitely not the answer.

Cindy:

Goodluck with your marriage recovery attempts with Micheal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Hello Cindy,

I have been posting to your BH for some time.And if I may,I would like to ask you a few Q's.

1)Michael posted that on Feb 24th you had contacted the OM by calling him.Why did you do that and also how are you feeling about him now?

2)I have read how quickly you appear to be moving along to get back in the home and you have already unloaded a lot of information on your BH and you want to get things progressing.But,did it occur to you that maybe Michael wasn't ready yet? Many WS's rush things along and want to get past the A but for a BS it's not so easy.I am just curious if you stopped to think that maybe rushing things were not in his best interest?

See,I am not trying to negate that you want to reconcile.Not at all.But what I am looking for is a consideration of your BH's feelings in this instead of how YOU want to move ahead and get things going.I told your BH that I thought things were moving way too fast for my liking.We have steps to take when letting a WS back into our lives after such a terrible trauma and we have had more than a fair share of stories lately where the WS was let back too soon and without the proper plans in place and then the BS was hurt all over again.It's hard not to be encouraged and want to move swiftly but it's not the best approach IMO.

I felt that he was barely given a chance to think about what he wanted at this point and he was undoubtedly a very torn and hurting man.What I am always afraid of seeing is a return to thinking solely about your own feelings and not taking into account those of your spouse.

3) Can you explain WHY you think you would not stick around had the roles been reversed and your BH cheated instead?

Lastly,you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've learned that if you are having trouble in your marriage,having an A is definitely not the answer </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like that you have come to this understanding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope it continues.

Welcome to GQII

O

edited for typos

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

***What right have the OM to know secrets about the M that the BS is not allowed to know?***

Exactly.

Your having sex with another man was the ultimate rejection of your husband.

And as long as OM gets to know the details of this relationship but your husband doesn't, you are continuing to reject your husband.

That's how it feels to him.
Mulan

Cindy,

Thanks for posting here.
Thanks for doing the right thing.

Good luck with your recovery and don't get discouraged as it will be difficult for a long time to come.

But in the end you and your husband will be true friends again if you both work through the pain.

Good luck.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TA:
<strong> What if OM or OW really was better at sex?

Does the WS really tell the BS the TRUTH.

I'm not sure I could handle the truth. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ALWAYS tell the truth.
You can have some tact, though.

Maybe "I liked it that OP was willing to try different things" or similar.

Rather than a black/white yes/no "OP was better" response, give your spouse honest information they can use to improve SF within the M.

Octobergirl,

You posted a few questions and I hope to answer them.


1)Michael posted that on Feb 24th you had contacted the OM by calling him.Why did you do that and also how are you feeling about him now?

Michael is fully aware of the fact that I did contact the OM on Feb 24th. Michael was present during this 90 second phone call. The OM had something of mine and I really wanted it back.


As for how I am feeling about the OM now: The A is over. I don't even think about him unless Michael and I talk about him. I actually don't miss him this time around. I am that done with the A. I have a lot to lose if I was ever to contact the OM again. The OM is not worth it. Michael has stood by my side throughout this whole ordeal, even though I was hurting him. It's time to heal my family.


2)I have read how quickly you appear to be moving along to get back in the home and you have already unloaded a lot of information on your BH and you want to get things progressing.But,did it occur to you that maybe Michael wasn't ready yet? Many WS's rush things along and want to get past the A but for a BS it's not so easy.I am just curious if you stopped to think that maybe rushing things were not in his best interest?

Maybe I'm not understanding part of your question.
As far as unloading a lot of information on Michael, it has been Michael that has wanted to know everything all at once. I guess I am like any other WS wanting to speed up the progression. I understand that Michael isn't quite ready. I have lied to him time and time again. He has no trust in me. He has doubts. I have to be honest with him in order to build up trust again and only time will prove that.


3) Can you explain WHY you think you would not stick around had the roles been reversed and your BH cheated instead?

I just think the BS must be a strong person and I'm not sure if I would be that strong or forgiving.

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: StandingTogether ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TA:
<strong> What if OM or OW really was better at sex?

Does the WS really tell the BS the TRUTH.

I'm not sure I could handle the truth. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then we have to live with it. I know that OM were better than me in some aspects. First OM was a better listener, harder working and more succesfull man than me. Second other man (XBF) is a real good for nothing but partying. He is really good in bed (not that I slept with him) but from what I've heard and read on his e-mails he has no trouble in getting laid and women seem having trouble not getting it from him. It hurts me ego? Yes, but we can't pretend to be the best at everything, not even at what we want to be best at (sex for most men), we have to live with being second, third or even last at something. The only thing I want be is the one only she loves and not suck completly at the other stuff so that I can meet her EN.